(welcome to part 1 of issue 12, part 2 of this specially modified edition will be published on wednesday June 12th)
GENETICALLY MODIFIED POLITICS
Researchers at Citizen Genes Inc have patented a genetically modified device that will allow government agencies to see directly into suspect human beings DNA. This will avoid racial profiling, because instead of stopping people on the basis of skin colour or what clothes they are wearing, they can instead be detained indefinitely on the basis of their genetic ancestry.Theresa Maibee – Second Homes Secretary – said she was delighted with this uniquely British innovation, saying it would remind politicians of their responsibility to their constituents, “in particular the ones who want a return to smoking in pubs and think foreign people shouldn’t have jobs serving them alcohol.” The secretary then added “Naturally I mean after MP’s responsibilities to lobbyists and party whips have been undertaken first.”
Citizen Genes Inc make the point that they can upload genetic details of any politician who may be critical of their methods on a website backed by animal science laboratories. These labs, using click per view advertising revenues, can generate genetically modified caricatures of politicians simply by manipulating the DNA of leeches, rats, and other negatively metaphoric creatures. Not the sort of thing anyone would want at the top of their search profile come election time – after all, you probably remember this:
The opposition meanwhile say they don’t entirely oppose this new GM secret service strategy, but that doesn’t mean they back it either until they can reflect upon recent poll analysis, and decide whether winning the next election is actually in their long term interest, considering the state of the economy for years to come.
The Prime Minister has come under fire for not even being as popular as his own party – which means he now knows how it feels to be the deputy prime minister, or for that matter, the leader of the opposition.
People in his party don’t want to be in Europe, don’t want to marry gay people, don’t like Scotland, and don’t want him to be their leader either. They are increasingly leaving the party of Tori-lition government, and joining the party of people who stand around smoking outside of buildings complaining about people from somewhere else who serve them in pubs.
Maverick Tory MP, Naddy D – recently expelled from the celebrity jungle – is not out of the woods yet, although some of her fellow MP’s are more than happy to have her given back the party whip (while her stilettos, rubber corset and handcuffs are still pending review by the expenses watchdog).
THE QUEEN STARS AS HELEN MIRREN
The Queen herself carried out an unmanned solo flight into the full glare of the media recently, visiting BBC headquarters in order to keep her finger on the pulse – having spent the previous evening keeping her finger on her husband’s pulse, whose dodgy quips and misplaced cultural references have been sorely missed at the palace of late. Although she refuses to do interviews, when asked about the P of E being in hospital, she said she “didn’t even know he was ill”, before telling the Governor General of Broadcasting that her “consort was the sort who even when out of sorts could still sort out the like of you cheeky scandal ridden toffee nosed license fee beggars!” She then went on to sit through a cover version of a three minute pop song written by an antipodean bisexual, before entertaining the nation with her memories of being born to rule as a child…
ART IS IN OUR DNA
A new art campaign meanwhile is taking over the streets of Britain with the innovative idea of putting well known paintings by famous British artists onto advertising billboards in the hope of increasing the use of advertising billboards by much less famous people. The billboard exhibition organizer, Schticketu Maphundas said enthusiastically “We’re putting up the same old paintings that everyone remembers from school to reinforce the idea that art is actually what people think it is supposed to be, and not something that challenges one’s reactionary perception of beauty in any way.”
Here Politoons can exclusively provide examples of some pictured that will not be displayed in the new billboard exhibition:(for more information on prints click here)
tune in wednesday for part 2 of this specially modified issue of politoons
We’ll be be back with more promise and less com-promise shortly, in the meantime,
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