Water company share sell offs in Britain have hedge fund managers salivating so much their drool is being metered and knocked off the cost of their executive water use – in much the same way rich people can invest in cheap Chinese solar panels and get electricity at a discount unavailable to poorer consumers. “Water is the fossil fuel of the future” – said one commodities expert, “ and investors are keen to soak up the selling rights to clean water that governments think someone other than their own citizens should profit from.”
HACKED OFF WITH HACKS
Hacking scandals continue to clog up the newsrooms of the slowly dying paper format of modern day journalism. Celebrities have returned to their day jobs after making headlines for championing privacy and rejuvenating their flagging careers before applying for work as contestants on ‘strictly come dine in the jungle on ice with me’ While celebrity show hosts Pants and Dregs eye up the opportunity to become a Bruce Forsyth double act before some Doctor Who wannabe gets their “Nice to see you, to see you’s…” right.
MODIFIED RUSSIAN DOLLS
Meanwhile, Prince of Darkness and champion of minor cosmetic surgery, Vlad the absent dad Putin finally took off from his former Aeroflot stewardess of the past 20 years to pursue a more flexible relationship with a Russian gymnast whose child isn’t his. “I’m too busy being busy!” said the botox Judo master before going home to watch Pussy Riot Protesters starve themselves to death on GulagTube.
POLL OF POLES
New Polls show that Polish doctors and Hungarian puppeteers are favoured in Britain over BOTH the NHS and popular talent shows. People with private concerns are now going private with cheaper doctors imported from eastern Europe. It turns out to be no different in the world or UK entertainment, where talented brits are only popular if they have yet to undergo puberty. The talent Britain has got flew into Luton recently in the guise of Hungarian shadow puppetry. UKIP MEEP’s say they want to know two things: who pulled the strings to allow this lot into the country, and exactly how did a bunch of hungry puppeteers secure so much of the popular vote? A Farage of complaints has hit the hit series’s switchboard, while more people who like to complain stand around outside building up and down the country, smoking cigarettes and droning on about the number of immigrants who serve watered down ale in so many of our nationally recognized foreign owned pub chains.
Meanwhile in international news, Obama the lame duck drama of the western world stood up for everyone’s right to security at the expense of their own privacy recently, before jetting off to meet the new Chinese Chairman. Barrack was intent on to asking the new Chair of China to refrain from using American colloquialisms like “Obama’s ma beech!” and to please “like think about um, human rights and stuff?” The Prez sez: “Just because China owns most of our national debt, and we buy most of everything we buy from them, that does not mean that we would do anything to restrict the freedom of our own people, except like spy on them, for the sake of their own security… ”.When asked to comment on the dying protesters being held for over 10 years without trial in a part of Cuba called GITMO – that Cuba can’t be bothered to ask for back – the president replied “As mediated by the media and lobbied for by the lobbyists, and as I’ve told the American people many times since I was first elected: there’s a fundamental difference between the promises you do keep, and those you don’t.”
GENETICALLY MODIFIED IMMIGRATION
Back in Britain, a recent study finds, net Immigration rates are falling as emigration becomes the new immigration. Said one expert on Tuesday, “Emigration is actually the second biggest cause of people leaving the country!” When asked what the first biggest cause of people leaving the country was, the expert replied “Umm… death, mostly…”.
Veteran European Parliament pundits remember the relatively calm old days of the Common Market, when the only mountains to worry about were made of butter, or wine or cheese, and so on. Contemporary Europe has to struggle with huge mountains of massive debt, with previously solid rock capitalism teetering on the edge of collapse, and an avalanche of insecurity swamping the political landscape for the foreseeable future. “I remember thinking an avalanche of butter or wine had a certain charm to the sound of it” said one old European wag, who went on to say that “…nowadays I have to say, the wine is corked and the butter has curdled as far as stretching pointless analogies to breaking point goes.”
That’s it for this genetically modified special issue of Politoons. We’ll be be back with more promise and less com-promise shortly, in the meantime,
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