GOVERNMENT SPIES VERSUS PRIVATE EYES!
Whistleblowing world traveler Edward Snowden – the spy who came in from the cold of Hawaii, buggered off to a heartbreak hotel in Hong Kong and is presently sending a postcard from Russia with love – said today that he was neither a hero, nor dangerously irresponsible. “I’m just a geek trying to get the truth out there – along with a decent film rights deal.” He said, “I know how these things work, they come after you for your life story, and before you know it, someone like Ewan Macregor is playing you! I mean he’s got a lovely smile don’t get me wrong, but like Nick Leeson says, it’s not like being played by Vim Deisel… or even Jason Statham… I mean wow! That would be cool!
Julian Assange was heard shouting from a first floor South American window in central London, “I told Eddie –the eagle has landed – Snowden:‘ whatever you do, don’t work with the %*^&-ing Guardian!” . Then Assange proceeded to bash pots and pans together while screaming “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” before being dragged back through his looking glass into a secure unit called the Ecuadorian Embassy. * Pundits suspect Assange may be bitter about having been unable to attend the highly secretive Bilderberg Summit of World Bleeders recently held at the Grove Hotel in Watford. (for security purposes: you didn’t read that here!)
(* Newspapers that have exposed the secret of spying through the internet have put nothing else on their front page for days – apart from banner ads for online security firms and anonymous dating sites. When asked if there wasn’t something else going on in the world, the Guardian headline writer was quoted as clamming up faster than a conspiracy theorist who thinks his phone is tapped.)
PM JETS OFF TO PRIVATE BILDERBERG SUMMIT AS WARM UP GIG FOR G8 INTERCHAT CONFLAB
When it was suggested to British Prime Minister Cameron that attending Bilderberg might be a conflict of interest, he responded by saying “Look – I believe that my being Prime Minister is a conflict of interest in itself – but I don’t go banging on about it now do I?” then he whispered off the record “ However much my backbenchers do…”
The regular Bilderberg meeting of politicians and business breeders – that doesn’t officially mean anything – and doesn’t officially exist – also doesn’t happen to happen just before the G8 summit of world bleeders being hosted by the former Celtic Tiger cub of Northern Tigerland. Tiger-ish tao-sikh and other non-denominational Stormont members went public with their dismay at being associated with the 8 most exploitative governments on the planet, until they were asked to pull themselves up by their 4 cornered clover and zip their lucky leprechauns back into their overheated economy’s breeches.
The Turkish Police Theater began touring a new show based on real events in Istanbul. The new musical is based on the dance choreography of Attaboy Attaway, inventor of Turkish Delights and mentor to Ben and Jerry who famously have made ice cream a global must have for ex-Grateful Dead fans.
The new Turkish Cop show incorporates a chorus line showstopper where a group of policemen on holiday are confronted by water-cannon and tear gas wielding policemen on duty. The resulting melee has been compared to a modern day West Side Story except with more state violence against its own people, and without the love interest. It’s rumoured that Turkish Prime Minister, Eithinkikhan suggested that the innovative play be staged where real protests were actually taking place, giving the real protesters and police some entertainment, while reminding us all that there is still space for beauty amidst the chaos.
A similar street theater production took place in London’s Financial District too, with a spectacular cast of 100 demonstrating protest actors – complaining about the G8 “and stuff” – up against a supporting cast of 1200 policing thespians. Audiences of hedge fund managers, bankers and stock market short sellers were delighted at the distraction from having to continually count money, and watch helplessly as their profits rise while other people’s income falls. The police rehearsed arresting people for being close to where the police happened to be, and 32 protesting actors were taken away for further auditioning.
Meanwhile in Russia, the Yobbolshoi youth theater “Kickalez” were also rehearsing their new anti-democratic production on the streets of Moscow, where increasingly human beings are targeted if they refer to themselves as ‘homo sapiens’ (a phrase considered to refer to sexual preference in Kremlin circles). Police who knew of the theater company’s presence on the streets then began arresting the innocent people the Kickalez actors were hunting down and brutalizing. Pretending to mistake the gay activist actors for real gay people who were trying to exercise their right to express an opinion, and to expect protection from ignorant homophobic thugs when doing so. As in art, so too in life…
WORK AND PENSIONS SEEK RETIREMENT FUNDS IN THE UK
Back in the UK’s busking theater of work and employment, more and more older people are coming out – if only from retirement – and rejoining the job market in order to feed themselves, and to keep the heating on in winter. Christopher Sailing, the yachtsman turned work and pensions secretary said “I/we personally understand why work and pensions are bundled together into the same ministry – Its all about choice,” says Chris, ‘…if pensioners want to work because they can’t go sit in the Library to stay warm once we’ve closed them all, then that is their choice, and I respect the old farts for working themselves into the grave. Personally, I don’t want to have to start calling pensioners workshy, or scroungers, for that matter, so in many ways, the sooner they pop off, or get on their bike the better. After all, with all this new legislation, it’s far cheaper to give nothing to a young person just starting out in life, than it is to be handing out taxpayers dosh to O.A.P’s who’ve already worked most of their lives, and everyone currently feels sorry for… still give us time…give us time…”
Lastly, Nigel Farasimconcurnt, UKIP Managing Director and the new man on the Clapham omnibus,wants an inquiry into why a minister in her madge’s govern-mint should have the word ‘foreign’ in his job description. When told that Foreign Secretary, Mr. Wilhelm de Hague was in fact British, Mr Farasimconcurnt stuck his fingers in his ears muttering “blah-de-bla-de-blah-de-bl…” and requested a pint of Tetley’s from one of the pub landlords frothing over in his entourage.
Check out more info on Politoons here
and thanks for tuning in – follow us for regular updates, or leave a comment below, always good to hear what you think,
all text and images © M. Dunlop 2013
(please ignore the advertising below)