TAX HAVEN COUP BY INLAND REVENUE
The British government was forced to deny rumours that it was behind an attempted military coup on the Channel Islands. “ We haven’t felt so invaded since the second world war!” said the mayor of Channel Tunnel Town, explaining to the ranks of absentee residents for tax purposes that the Island government was still in control. An unconfirmed tweet from the former tax haven was sent to the United Nation’s saying: #whoth#uck#dothy#thnk#thy#r!
BOLIVIAN BAGGAGE CHECK FORCES AUSTRIAN INSECURITY COMPLEX
Bolivian planes are now being forced to land or face being shot down by the European Servility Services. “These people have no Morales”, said an embassy official “ Well, we’ve got one now!” quipped an Austrian stewardess disguised as a Vienesse security agent. “Bolivians seem to think they can simply NOT smuggle a person onto their plane who is charged with exposing the criminal activity being perpetrated by one of the most heavily militarized nations on earth!” Meanwhile there have been no reported sightings of a displaced private contractor employee who has been left to gather dust in a Moscow airport lounge. Rumours persist that Mr. Ed eats nothing but ferrero-roche and chats politely to duty free staff. One reader inquires: “How free is ‘free’?” The editor suggests asking a Pussy Riot Protester, or better yet, a Gay Muscovite.
NE PAS DE SAUSAGE, MONSIGNEUR EL PRESIDENTE’
France was forced to admit it was spying on its own people just the other day. While Carla Bruni faced an inquiry into getting free air travel without collecting nearly enough air miles. Apparently, she has been forced to travel internationally because it has become impossible to find home grown flat heeled shoes ever since her former president husband’s fall from power (at least he didn’t have too far to fall, reported one french wag). Bruni’s main concern is ensuring that her lower husband is able to enter a room with some modicum of decorum, as well as hide 1.5 million euros of election spending in the raised heel of his shoe.
“This is a great day to shift some bad news!” said the British Health Secretary, promptly slipping through his big idea to privatize the Health Service once he’d run it into the ground. Hunt continues to try to convince anyone who will listen that it is in fact the NHS that makes us ill, and not tiny little viruses that nobody can see, or rising malnutrition caused by increasing numbers of people slipping into poverty. His solution is to sell patient data to private medical and pharmaceutical companies, who will then target their bids for Health Service contracts only in areas they can expect to make huge profits from.
And I haven’t even mentioned Egypt yet!
ELECTED GOVERNMENT TOPPLED AS DEMOCRATIC NATIONS AROUND THE WORLD WATCH ON.
But, let’s be clear, 1.3 billion dollars per year being given to the Egyptian military has nothing to do with the coup. Surprisingly sage advice has come from several Western Governments: “Um…like, try not to be nasty to each other n’ that.”. Britain meanwhile has mounted a relief effort, flying out 2 plane loads of “Keep Calm and Carry On” posters and other related tourist ministry merchandise.
MANDELA’S GRAVE MISTAKE
Former SA President Nelson Mandela is not yet turning in his grave, however some of his children and grandchildren are, following the reclamation of their bones by the courts yesterday.
A hole opened up in Toledo and swallowed a car as the earth fights back against man-made climate change. Sceptics suggest it was a burst water pipe that caused the damage, to which environmentalists replied “Yeah! And who made the water pipe? Man-made right? When are you people going to wake up!”
ICH BIN EIN EAST BERLINER!
President Obama meanwhile reassured Chancellor Merkel of Germany that the US government would not only provide her with details of their surveillance activities, but also of all the surveillance activities that the German government was itself currently undertaking. He then went on to praise the government of the former ‘East Germany’, and the Stasi in particular for being such a “how-to” source of espionage and data gathering techniques.
WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
Lastly, (surprise, surprise) the Labour party has shot itself in the foot – or is that in it’s right arm that it would give to have as it’s leader someone people would vote for ?
That’s it for Politoon News this week,
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all text and images © M. Dunlop 2013