The Plebgate controversy continues as a former government cyclist continues his dispute with diplomatic security staff posted down the end of the drive this week. Officially, government liars – according to sources leaked to the press as long ago as the turn of the century– have begun casting their nets beyond the corridors of power, and are now found in the lower echelons of the police and other security staff hired to keep liars in office. (something racially profiled citizens at the wrong end of stop and search legislation have known for some time).
“Protecting liars is what we do best”, said a spokesperson for the metropolitan police servitude this week. The cross dressing sergeant with a come hither smile said he would hold up his hands (just so we could tell his fingers weren’t crossed) were he proved wrong about his colleagues (“I swear!” He said – “No need for that!” we said.)
Probes into Tottenham Hot Slurs in the stands continue to upset dedicated fans who insist that they don’t mind the slurs of opposing supporters. Some fan-gangs spokespersons say that many season ticket holders who have second homes and live in offshore tax havens don’t mind a bit of slurring themselves, and would support the idea of more slurring – especially if that meant alcohol could be consumed during the match. There has also been growing support for more hugging between men, with comments such as “I love you Mannnn!” and for more coming out after matches (albeit as in ‘coming out of the ground’). Many supporters said they enjoy insulting each other because it distracts them from the thought of watching 22 millionaires kick a ball who only pretend to be loyal to their contracted club for 90 minutes every once or twice a week.
Great Minds Mind the Gap
Women have been criticized on anti social media sites for ‘not being the same as it says on porn sites’ this week, as Onesie catwalk models fight back against sexism and misogeny designed to fit into 140 characters or less. “Mind the thigh gap” is the latest health warning being send out to trolls and stalkers across the braodband spectrum, as idiots and body fascist websites band together calling for research into curing intelligence –which they say is ruining everything – so that eventually only the stupidest will be left to survive. Climate change deniers have also joined the debate, naming and shaming respected scientists who they call “spawns of the devil, evil anti-rich bastardists, and more recently “un-thigh gapped tree hugging c__ts!”(sic)
Electricity distributors have found innovative ways of stealing their customers money, a new study by the institute for fair play said yesterday. Suppliers have told reporters that they simply lie to customers about what they owe. Ever since the “institute for fair play” has closed due to cancellation of its funding, spokespersons for large energy companies have said “ Aww gee, that’s too bad… did the itsy witsy customer get ripped off by the big fat multinational oligopoly? Well why don’t we just cut you off and ruin your credit rating forever then, hmmmm?”
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(all text and images © M. Dunlop 2013)