politoons, issue 12, 2013
POLITI-CRAP CORRECTNESS GONE APE-POOP!
Journalists were surprised recently by the ferocity of agreement between governments across the like minded euro-racialist community . “Let Europe drown in Spanish Border Crossings!” said one higher than mighty MEP wish-lister on his blog written from a desk in a silver-lined cloud. His press secretary had recently invented a hash tag twit name to die for – “I’ve got it! Hash tag/hash tag!”– a handy by line for the day after the next election when Parlimentarians will finally be allowed to vote without having to leave their tax havens.
NOT BLOODY CRICKET!
In sport as in all things, the prayers of every Englishman – or “Anglo-dude” as they say in the hipper parts of Boubion – are with the dear “Tres Lyons” cricketers being bullied by primitive Australeopithicans in far off lands far from any family or shoulder to cry on. An expert commentator who sat beside Sir Mick Jagger said, “It may be part of the modern game, but even Churchill stopped short of sledging the Hun – mind you, he fire bombed Dresden!” Meanwhile, Mick watched in silence as England played like a bunch of Keith Richard lookalikes who were getting as much joy out of the game as Ed Millibland gets satisfaction from Prime Ministers Questions.
Holier -than -though doctors were told they have to work in overseas call centers 24-7 on zero hour contracts in order to qualify for millionaire status. They may heal the sick, but like any other job, that doesn’t mean you should necessarily expect to make a living at it without having to rely on government support.
Nurses too have come under fire, and been forced to take cover in trenches behind maternity wards. With the country unsure whether to trust the minister whose name is constantly being made rude by my automatic spell checker, or the patients in hospital gowns stood outside the entrance to hospitals smoking in the snow. Private industry has stepped in to suggest chaining everyone to their bed, in order to free-marketize bedded bodies for spare parts. In some regions of the developing world now looking more and more like the UK’s burgeoning private health care system, organ replacement is considered a safer option than preventative care.
LOCAL-FRIGGIN-BINS N’ FINES N’ WHATSITS!
If only things weren’t so bad, then Eric -in -a –Pickles, TIME LORD of Parish governance, could soon disappear into the “I’m a celebrity” jungle without fear of ridicule, or accusations of being a negative Dickensian role model. Alas, along with his chums in the Libatious Demodictats, he faces another year of staring down his glasses from the relative obscurity of the hind most benches, belching orders to underlings and wondering why David Laws – Minister of State for the Ministry of State – was allowed back into the inner sanctum of power so quickly after fiddling his expensive expenses.
“Laws are made to be fancied” said one quick witted government whip round the corner of a charity shop who had been caught speaking to Oliver Letwin the other week.
The prime minister has accused anyone wanting to come to Britain of being a soft touch and worthy of media ridicule. “Once they arrive here, they should be undeserving of any assistance at all should they fall sick, or die.” Said the tiny island’s unelected leader. “It is not acceptable for un-hard working people to expect this minority government to support we-don’t-know-how-hard-they-work-people who come here to live and work! I read a poll recently that indicated we should write a press release saying “People who come from elsewhere, that we don’t want to know, are first for the chop! No matter whether we’ve got the syntax or statistics right!” The prime minister said, while beginning to rise to the implications of his thinking man’s career path. “Then we’ll see about all these universally credited indigenous so called “workers” who don’t qualify as hard working family enough, let alone vote for us! You know the one’s who somehow continue to survive although we’ve thrown everything we have at them for the last 25 years!” Then the tiny island Prime Minister said “… EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” before noisily bumping into the bottom step of the stairs.
Thanks to everyone who submitted an entry, the November contest is now closed
our judging panel will take bets… I mean will take a moment to reflect on the captions so far.
and here’s the shortlist of captions:
“Claws 2 Ready with the mouse”
“Its spelled F.O.O.D.”
“What’s this about Monbiot’s “re-wilding” course? I’ll rip your throat out if you send me on that!”
“That’s funny, my mouse was here yesterday … You have been imitating art again haven’t you, you little fur-ball?”
If you would like to influence the judge’s decision, tell us what you think in the comments box below.
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(all text and images © M. Dunlop 2013)