Cosmic Hologram Claim!
A trio of geeks who share the same bedroom in Wayzee Idaho have announced the discovery of a giant fib comparable in size to a Torontonian Mayor – Toronto is a surprisingly big frontier outpost in the former Dominion of Lower Canada. Traditionally known as Hog Town, Torontonian’s elected officials are allowed to smoke crack and run their own feifdoms… (er, that should read their own TV SHOWS” ed.) When the three nerds were quizzed on why they chose Toronto as their comparable metaphor for the biggest lie ever found, their tweet page read “Cuz TO’z the A-hole of the Cosmoz eh? LOL!” for which they duly were punished by their patriotic Hogtown parents. The Triage of WEEBS were then banned from watching porn on their X-bucks Nin-Son surround sound Playbahns in the swingers lounge of their parents penthouse magazine, and were grounded in the basement, where they were only allowed to watch low rez ‘human sandwich-ings’ on things they assembled out of kinder eggs. The Triangle of Goofs meanwhile were reportedly last seen on 4Chanz, undoing the zips of their sleeping bags, stroking their flashlights in the dark, and fantasizing about who – as opposed to what – they would like to do on their first date.
Top nation’s science deniers meanwhile have been forced to come to terms with the triple jerkoff’s discovery. Other Climate change denying scient-olog-ists in Utah have been asking giant internet richer-than-ever-thought-possible firms to pressure governments into revealing more information about this humungous falsehood involving our very existence, and insist that propaganda weaponry is brought to bear on distributing even more lies about the limits of human perception in the fast developing news world.
Living in the stoned age inspires Uruguay to legalize Hemp Hay!
A South American country has become the first to line up it’s drug policy with what people do anyway. Stripping ill got gains from illegal drug cartels and gangs with the stroke of a pen, the eyes and joints of passive weed smokers lit up around the world at the prospect of having somewhere nice to go, with something nice to do when you get there, that is really worth writing home about, if you can just keep it together, have you seen my pen ? Ohhh maannnnn…
Russian Submarine breaks the ice in search for Continental Drift as Canadian Shelf claims Santa’s Grotto!
Moscow was incensed at the Arctic Antics of Canadian Pole Advancing Fanatics when the Tar Sanded nation of Frackers and Natural Gas Consumers placed a mining claim with the UN for the right to place a Maple Syrup Military base where the north pole flag is supposed to be. Other nation’s claims melted away in the changing climate around the pole, as traditional North Pole dancers kept getting their tongues stuck to the cold metal as they ‘worked and twerked’ their message of peace, love and mining rights to the rest of the ice melting world.
President Obama and the first lady returned from their meeting with funeral based media outlets in South Africa. A spokesperson for the rarely photographed “here’s one I took myself” President mentioned that the commander in Chief felt his “photo-a-trois” may have prove to be a ‘selfie’ too far. Michelle Obama, the first lady who is easily as tall as the president yet remains unelected was in no mood for forgiveness, however she told reporters that her husband’s antics were a bit OTT but no more than any other Office Christmas Party hijinks. When reminded that the occassion was in fact a Memorial service for a former great statesman, she replied “OMG! Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me my husband was dead!”
That’s your politoons news to take you through into 2014, when visitors to England will be asked politely to die rather than be allowed into hospitals. Others known as ‘tourists’ will be asked to prove to landlords that they actually exist before being allowed to rent a cottage in the UK for their holidays. More red tape than ever before in the history of recorded history will soon be used in Britain. Experts suggest this is intended to prove to Scotland that they would be wise to vote to leave the United Kingdom before they suffocate under the weight of administrative bollocks that the rest of the country is about to bury itself in.
Politoons hot tips for 2014 are:
Do not attempt to ski downhill as if you are a Grand Prix driver.
Remember that cats either leave fur balls in their wake, or some sick upon your carpet.
Toast is a natural carbon storage device, so burn some bread to save the planet.
and finally, here are some finalists for the POlitoons Cartoon Caption Contest #2, the winner will be announced in a week’s time:
“You said “casual a-tire”, right?”
“No, “I FOUND”, two flat tires!”
“It’s good to see I’m not the only one with spare tyres.”
“Just Overalls today? I was two tired to put on my vest.”
“No mum that wasn’t free parking, it was a breakers yard!”
“Ma’am, I’m tired. I need to curb this before it gets outta hand. Soon you’re going to ask for the shirt off me ba…”
that’s it for now, look out for our 3rd Caption contest that comes out soon too!
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