(tune in later today for our 3rd Cartoon Caption Contest!)
Floods hit mainland Britain as immigrant waves invade Western Shores of the UK!
Having spent most of its time and energy shoring up defenses against waves of European immigration, the UK was unprepared for an assault on its vulnerable western flank as Atlantic ‘swells’ encouraged by gusts of hot air surged into the leaky back waters of Loo and other low-lying communities desperate to keep their property values above sea level.
Second home owners were accused of turning the tide against local residents who would rather have the houses surrounding their homes occupied by working families than by millionaire blow-ins and emmets. Many 2nd class under occupying seasonal migrants come from Boristown* and are not likely to be seen in the Duchy until the storm has settled. (*Boristown is the nation’s recently renamed capital ™, originally inspired by the concept of placing an aircraft carrier in the Thames, calling it “Boris-Island” and describing it as a “trans-sport hub”)
Immigration Storm – Media Investigates!
The investigative arm of the British media establishment has become more desperate in its attempt to justify its own reports of Bulga-Romans clogging up airport arrival lounges and left luggage shelves in British Rail Stations. With only one immigrant actually found entering Britain by the entire pack of media bloodhounds, the mainstream press has been saved by a full on raging storm blowing in from the opposite direction.
Big Freeze hits Hollywood’s largest Western Film Set!
The Day After Tomorrow finally hit the mid west, a few years later than the original screenplay and film had predicted as temperatures in Minnesota and Chicago hit all time lows just in time for the big football game invented to warm up for the famous half time show slot at the American Superbowl.
Cat Porn Fears Escalate!
Video clips of cats and small babies doing inane things continue to take up valuable information space on the inter-web. Even this column is not immune from the postings of ‘cat-porn’ by multi-media enthusiasts with more bandwidth than they know what to do with. People are increasingly desperate to find free things to share on social networking sites in order to feel that although they have little to say, their lives are justified and their existence still palatable to the rest of human society.
Poll Ratings Prompts Immigration-in-Waiting!
UKLIP leader Fidel Farage read his poll ratings this morning and stepped back from suggesting that only white people in trouble should be allowed into Britain as political refugees. He said “Why go to the trouble of processing new migrants when we could save a lot of time and bother by just letting the old one’s we like come back more often?” Said the Anti European European Party leader. “And if they haven’t got work, they could be given jobs dismantling wind turbines in exchange for a bit of food and some C of E religious education.”
I’m sad to say
Simon Hoggart has passed away
on the subject of which
there is not much else to say.
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