Sandbags are seen as the next must have Xmas gift for cash strapped councils according to the orifice of national ballistics, after 5 weeks of rising flood levels in the Somerset Levels stretching from Solstice to Imbolc according to the Pagan calendar. Energy Minster Owen-pretty much everything- Paddington,went to the levels to sea for himself, and was flood-plained by locals who asked why nothing had been done during the last century to stop this sort of thing happening in this century. Minister Paddington who bears no resemblance to the famous ‘Bear’ of rugged masculinity fame in gay culture, was clear that his climate change denying days were not over simply because the country was flip flopping from one natural disaster to another. In a reply to a soaking wet Sou-Wester, the minister replied “These arable lands could become the Paddy Fields of Britain if we as a nation would just allow scientists the opportunity to plant saltwater resistant GM Rice in the South West.” He then went on to say “Rather than fighting Mother Nature, this government intends to retreat gracefully from any responsibility it may have previously had to protect people and communities, or to provide compensation when something like this happens. We’ve only been able to keep this land from flooding for the last 1000 years so its no surprise to anyone that that millennium might now be well and truly over!” Then the large hairy man projected his image of rugged masculinity back into his canoe and drifted up the creek, having seemingly forgotten his paddle.
The biggest game to surround an expensive advert and its attendant 15 minute pop concert took place in New York this past Sunday, selling more Gm contaminated popcorn than you can shake a stick at (and if you’re using that stick for balance, be careful you don’t fall over). In the finest display of the old adage ‘defense is the best defence’, a team from the west coast of the US proved that legalized marijuana and same sex marriage are no barrier to winning one of the most sought after trophies in one of the most heavily sponsored games in the world that use the words ‘ball’ and ‘foot’.
In a display of government thinking unrivaled since the last government paused for thought, Schools were disrupted around the country when the leader of the school measurement movement was scrapped due to redundancy plans intended to make plans redundant. Mickey Gove told colleagues today to stop coming into his office and bothering him after David “outside” Laws continually accused him of taking the Mickey throughout the school day. Inside Number ten insiders said the PM became involved after school hours in an extra curricular dressing gown of the entire class of educationalists accused of not doing their homework. Part-Privatized classes were also in fear of their funding due to further revelations about sexual relations between teachers and boarded up pupils which had dilated even further until there was nothing funny left to say about it, except by uncaring capital-ey enhanced old boys who feared that private schools would be punished for what was once seen as a ‘norm in the dorm’ approach to sexual predation.
Politoon’s panel of esteemed international judges are currently holed up in a Vatican-like tower block with nothing but a smokestack full of hot air that will blow white or black smoke when they have decided on the final winner of our 3rd Cartoon Caption Contest! So stay tuned for the whether (or not you’re the one) report coming out this week.
Goodbye, Toodle Pip and Good Luck!
MacD, editor in patent pending