RECIPES FOR THE SEASON OF MOODY PEERS!
Baroness Jenkins “how to make poverty porridge”
take one baroness
place in front of a microphone
leave for five minutes
add discussion about poor people to taste
Russell Brand’s “how to make mince-your-words meat”
answer questions vaguely in front of a live audience
appear saddened by the level of political debate
joke about chest hair and being well off on social media
tell people not to be so saucy – nor to vote neither!
leave in panel show overnight to stew
David MilliBrand’s “how to escape the UN”
comment on global trends in terrorism and poverty
insist you have no intention of returning to politics
insert homilies about your estranged brother
leave to stand at the next election
IN GLOBAL NEWS!
The World has gone MAD!
It’s official, lunacy has overtaken sanity for the first time in the history of civilization. With governments globally eroding confidence in saving the planet, certain forms of madness have been approved by the UN in order to keep everyone at the table to discuss what to do about
the weather. Climate scientists continue to be blamed for talking about the climate instead of the weather – which surveys show many more people are comfortable with. The new Weather Warming Warning group (WWIII) has been lobbying the international community to fund new measuring systems that will track global weather around the world. This is intended to shift the focusing away from what is happening with the climate, which has been upsetting the kids, worrying the sheep, and causing havoc in the financial markets where stall holders are still recovering from the Age of Stupid – now more commonly known as “Black Friday”.
Premier Inns sponsors Hotel League of Gentlemen
In sporting news, the Premier League of Gentlemen has raised the bar by restricting the height of goalkeepers for the first time in order to make the game more “interesting”. Other proposals such as using an eleven sided ball instead of a round one narrowly missed being selected for trials at the next world cup in sunny Qatar. Detractors have pointed out that the pointy bits of a cornered football could be dangerous, especially when heading in front of goal, “worse than John Terry’s elbows” one millionaire with a funny haircut suggested from his Masserati. Meanwhile experts have argued that the point of the game is to get the ball into the net, and therefore if the point of the ball gets into the net, that’s a result, and this eleven sided goal and the mini-keepers should be allowed.
OIL TSARS BUYS MEDIA TO OFFSET METHANE EMISSIONS
Oil prices continue to tumble despite the fact that oil based products aren’t getting any cheaper, even in Russia, where the Rouble spells t-rouble for the administration. Without a leg to stand on or a shoulder to cry on, the beleagared Tsarista proposes to pull out all the stops and do whatever it takes to set the wheels of industry in motion. Meanwhile, money flows out of the county’s banking system faster than you can say Boris Yeltsin. It is predicted that worse is yet to come for Botox clinics in Moscow. (actually this is pretty serious stuff! you wait for cheaper gas to come along for ages, then a whole convoy of geopolitical issues drive by at once! ed.)
In other Petroleum Leaks
Planners in Alberta, Canada-land have decided to pave over the Tsar Sands projects to create giant Park and Hide facilities for Calgary, where stampedes during rush hour are currently causing chaos in the Tundra, rumored home to the mythical Sasquatch who is reported to live in a wild condo unit managed by a neo-liberal survivalist community. The neo-libbers have isolated themselves from the rest of hu-sanity in the hope of eventually ‘becoming one with the tar’ and thus preserving themselves as examples of an extinct species, just as their dinosaur forebearers once did in the Jurassic Era of Tar Sand Amusement Arcadias. (#update: Our roving reporter Dabbling Brooks has complained to FB CEO Mark Suckerburger that his status updates relating Blood to Oil and Diamonds have disappeared from his investigative timeline.)
BRITISH NEWS FOR BRITISH PAY PER VIEWS!
English Laws for English Flaws!
A Bill has been endorsed by the proxy PM of Eng-land that will allow exclusive voting powers only to Anti-Europe and Anti British -MP’s who want to see English flaws made only by English Lawds. English is a very old language that traces it’s history back through the 20th centuries and beyond, originating in ancient times before the internet, when being a King or Queen really was important (instead of it just being an excuse for being rich and expecting people to shut up when you speak). Grammatical eccentricities and the use of one of the most popular languages in the world since the collapse of the British (n.e. English) Empire is being brought back under the control of the Ministry for English Sentences and Stuff. Deputy Minister Pidge Inn at the MESS has approved a lexicon of typos and syntaxic foibles that are particularly English. These eccentricities have been put before the House of Cards in a motion that may disturb the blow, flow and spit of rappers and poets for enervations to come, resulting in the eventual collapse of the entire House into a heap of estuary english cliche’s – if he plays his cards right.
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and there’s that 6th Cartoon Cartoon Caption Contest to worry about and stress over too!