Hanging up on a drunk who had made his way through high level security carrying a pint and smoking a cigarette, the PM’s bodyguards insisted they thought it was Nigel Farage on the line, whom the Prime Minister had told everyone to listen out for. As it turned out to be an ordinary member of the public who was not organising a drone assassination attempt, using the PM’s mobile phone as a homing device for a predator missile, the country was told to “keep calm, and your pants on”.
Greece’s Discovers Democracy in Austerity!
Greece meanwhile decided it has had enough of Europe, but – unlike Britain – has insisted they would stay in the game. A table large enough for all of Europe to sit around to discuss the Greek Debt Mountain was hastily organised (cobbled together from some crates and bits and bobs left over from old Butter and Wine Mountains found going mouldy at the back of the fridge)
Education isn’t Working!
The Labour Party’s new campaign slogan harks back to the dark days of the Thatcheric Era, when the two Saatchi’s – as opposed to Ronnies – made the British tradition of queuing into an enduring election pledge. Now the legacy industry has recycled the difference between Labour’s ideas of ‘academies’ and the coalition government’s ideas of ‘academies’ into a Govian nightmare of distinguishing between doing one thing one way and the same thing another. Shadowy Education Minister in waiting Tristan Blunt, and his even posher sounding brother James have bandied about pages of a new report that inconclusively says all the money spent on changing things hasn’t really.
American Sniper Hits The Big Screen! (damaging it beyond repair)
Clint Eastwood, father of American democracy and a conspiracy theory in his own right has unleashed an unabashed flavour of the month hit that has exploded the idea of war and how good Americans are at that kind of stuff when given guns to shoot at each other with and left to their own devices. Hollywood is reeling under the rampant gingo-ism and patriotic fervor that Clint, in homage to John Wayne before him has served up to Americans on screen the way McDonald’s serves the nation their fries. In a film that waxes nostalgic about nasty snipers who are increasingly being replaced by nastier unmanned drones, the military industrial complex has found in war, a reason to celebrate its self-justification, once again clawing pyrrhic victory from the jaws of a 2nd presidential term defeat.
Canadian Government Halved as Oil Price Shock and Awe hits Tar Sands Home!
The Harper government has bitten off the hand that feeds it, in the hope of claiming accident insurance to disguise the fact that they have overseen the worst man-made spoilation of natural habitat since a meteor hit the planet millions of years ago and wiped out the dinosaurs. Panicking because his horse has died, and people realized he was a one trick pony, Harper has appealed to the Western provinces to rehabilitate his flagging popularity by replicating Toronto’s ex Mayor Rob Ford’s strategy of crack fueled drug abuse and intimidation nationwide. The high risk strategy has been code named Harp Attack, and if it fails, he intends selling off the Dew Line – an outdated intercontinental missile early warning system – to a bunch of Russian Oligarchs he met at a time share conference in Davos, Switzerland.
That’s it for today’s Politoons supplement. But you can still check out the Caption Contest and other regular features below. And if you’re worried about what’s going on in the world, or in your state of mind, and it’s got you feeling a little paranoid and that everyone is out to get you – don’t worry… chances are you’re probably right.
(p.s happy birthday Rick)