This week’s World News:
Harrison Furd’s Near Miss!
ISIS is in CRISIS!
The Empty Chair Debate!
The National Illness Service!
Regular Politoon Services:
Have your hearsay here! (at the bottom of this supplement)
Star Wars Pilot Crash not Career Ending!
Agents for doctors auditioning to treat Harrison Fjord say that the flight of nostalgia the actor flew onto a crazy golf course could not have been prevented. A caddy for the heart throb pensioner said the plane was as old as the actor so it was no surprise that it had it’s ‘moments’ from time to time.
An aviation expert explained: ‘what goes up must come down… and that is especially true of airplanes.’
Meanwhile aging director George ‘I-am-your-father’ Lucas said that when the 70 year old acting pilot comes to the end of his career, he will be digitize d for future episodes. The film’s producers suggest the whole golf course/plane crash incident may well have saved lives who could in turn could become future audiences. The director lauded the actor even as he was being wheeled away from the nineteenth green in a hospital trolley, “Didn’t even need a second take! What more can you ask for in an actor?”.
There is already talk of an Oscar nomination in the 2016 Charlie Sheen Career Crash category. The new Star Wars Branding exercise is expected to be coming soon to a galaxy far away near you…
CR-ISIS over whether ISIS is IS or IS IS?
Militant Issisians have surrounded ancient burial grounds and started bulldozing artifacts from before they were born in an attempt to rewrite geography in their own image. Meanwhile, the ISIS existential CRISIS continues as different parts of the world refer to different anagrams when referring to them. This has led to a re-registering of websites and media outlets in expectation that one or the other name changes will become official, leading to an enormous number of hash-tags having to be re-spelt.
PMT’s Absence causes Argument over Debate!
The empty chair of the Prime Minister came under fire in Britain this week as the unelected leader of the un-elected British government un-seated himself from Westminster Debating club circles. The Leading Opposing Leader was so enraged that he threatened to make non-debating illegal if elected, arguing that not arguing was not what the people want their unelected un-representatives to be doing or undoing before they are next not elected.
Cameron accuses Labour SNP link of being un BNP-ish
The prime minister hit back at being called a ‘chicken’ by his critics. Waving white feathers in the air and sticking his tongue out while blowing through his pursed lips, the leader of England accused his opposite number of not adding up when it came to chatting with other people who might get elected too. Saying that Scottish people who want independence from England shouldn’ be allowed to have a say in running the country, the Conservative Leader begged his unknown deputy Nick (peg) Legg to stand up and be counted by sitting in the empty deck chairs on the Titanic being provided by the BBC, Sky and ITV. The media companies hope to make a meal of anything that doesn’t have to do with policies if politicians are elected as expected. This may interfere with viewer ratings when compared with football, “BeerWulf Hall”, and “Call the Midwife because-we-don’t-make-housecalls” style documentaries.
Ill people told they will walk again if they start walking in the first place!
NHS backroom staff have suggested a new miracle cure to prevent death, illness and unfitness for work. Based on the “it’s your fault in the first place” diagnostic method being championed in government covens, people across the country are advised to exercise their right to exercise as a way of bringing down the cost of the National Health Service that they pay for – although this is not intended to make it any cheaper, except for private contractors interested in taking part in National Illness. Studies show that if people exercise for 30 minutes five times a week, they are more likely to have less time to notice things getting worse. Statistics show that people who exercise more than enough are also more likely to consider that ill people only have themselves to blame anyway.
“Half an hour isn’t much when you’re not doing anything anyway!” Health Sinister Jeremiah Hunt said to someone who couldn’t get up because they had made themselves so unwell. Doctors who want to make more money from working for the state have chided the ill for not trying hard enough, saying “It is simply no longer good enough to make a contribution through buying vast amounts of cigarettes, or alcohol, and paying exorbitant tax on it!” The same doctor paused before looking up from his stethoscope and added “People have got this idea that the money they put into the NHS pays for the service at their point of need, but being sick, ill or disabled is not necessarily the NHS’s fault, nor it’s intention!”
Other doctors disagree, but most NIS whistle-blowers have been silenced in the government coven’s recent pre-election witchHunts. Whistle-blowers have been shown by government media supporters as damaging to the image of the One Nation One Health Service System and have been silenced at taxpayers expense. Health Mini-mister Foxtrot Tango Hunt says “Their actions could affect the price we get for privatizing bits and pieces as we go along, and that would be bad for the economic upturn on which the well-being of everyone who has an offshore account, is not domicile in this country or banks with HSBC depends!”
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