Fickle Prince Charles, pontificate Royale’ of the court of Engerland faced damaging hair loss this week as judges ruled in favour of seeing what favour he tried to curry with political underlings for his Empire of Duchy biscuits and Loose Leaf tea plantations.
South African Cricketer Can’t Do It for England says Sticky Wicket Keeper!
Kelvin Piater’s son KP was mocked for scoring more runs than anyone else in the country this week. Following the appointment of someone who wasn’t very good at being England’s Cricket captain to the post of someone who isn’t very good at being on the English Cricket Board, news was breaking today that the best batsman in the country couldn’t play for his own country or for this one neither. KP remained loyal to his autobiographical gossip but urged that the team purge itself of the issue of Trust, saying “It’s not how you win or lose mate – it’s how you win full stop!”
In art News:
Picasso That Fell off the Back of an Easel breaks Record for Algerian Femen Protest!
A big drawing that can legally be described as a painting fell into the hands of some idiot with more money than sense this week as someone who was so embarrassed at wanting the picture that no one else thought worth having refused to be named in the auction house that made a mint out of pretending the damn thing was worth anything in the first place!
Giacometti Stick Figure Reaches Six Figures!
Meanwhile a more memorable sculpture came up for sale and because it didn’t have it’s arms or heads missing like that famous winged angel in the Louvre, or all those thousands of Greek sculptures that are ‘priceless’ even though the hands and genitals have been chiseled off. Money isn’t everything though is it? I’ve got a light bulb here I’ve been turning on and off for years, but no one’s offering me a Turner prize for it are they?
Doctors told to cut back on curing people unnecessarily!
Savings in Government Departments have already begun with news that doctors’ shouldn’t try to cure people unnecessarily. “A strong National Health Service needs a strong economy, and until we have one you can’t have both!” David Cameron said as he queued in the limos outside number ten waiting to drop off the hard working families that didn’t get elected.
Strikers who wish to take industrial action will have to all agree with everyone else first in a move that may revolutionise voting after no one seems happy with the results so far.
Barbershop opens in London’s Millionaire district as Non-Dom home owner struggles with bedroom (blue) Plaque.
Liberals Lost Trust as well as seats says poll Party doesn’t believe!
Nick Clegg woke to the news that everyone was no longer there on the morning after the election as he attempted to justify 5 years of trying to be nice to people he didn’t agree with in the first place. “The coalition was a great success!” Clegg insisted, although it has gone the way of the Dodo. Meanwhile his colleagues reflected on their defeat by standing on the a stairway down to the underground, saying now they know what it’s like to have ideas above their station.
Counter Terror Bill formed to stop Over the Counter Sales of Narratives says Extreme Sports Bookseller!
Counter narratives will be introduced by the incoming government once they decide which election pledge to reneg on first. “We want to stop people thinking dangerous thoughts before they happen.” Said Olivia Leftwind, the cross dressing behind the scenes cut out character from Tory days of old. Introducing snooping and police brutality on a scale not seen since the Irish Troubles, the new government intends to drive a horse and shit-shovel through the gates of Human Rights at the first kettling opportunity.
Mass protest in Cabinet as blue collar blue suit sit-in continues after MP’s stand for election too long!
Cabinet Members were out in force today as they sat down together for long enough to look too busy to just sit there not doing anything. Having formed the first photo op for the newly formed government, they were dismissed to go forth and prosper for a second term, seeking cuts where others only saw scraping by, and savings where others only saw food banks.
Prince Harry Wary of Getting Married bored reporters find!
Meanwhile to stop everyone thinking the government had it all it’s own way in the media, one or two newspapers decided to pick on the one red headed royal who hasn’t got himself shackled to a aristocrat-ress of some sort. Speculating that one of the richest playboys in the country must be pining, gagging for it, lonely as a widow and such like, the media has decided it won’t leave him alone until he finds something useful to do with himself and his redundant genetic hardware.