Cam flim flams over Brexit ‘frendum plans
With the world about to implode over the outcome of the latest British election results that have been dragged out for the entire month of May, Government officials have offered people who live here no say in what happens when it comes to being part of where they came from to get here. Confusing the electorate with ideas about what constitutes living in Britain besides living in Britain, the governing class plans to hold a referendum election quickly in the hope that it will be over before you know it.
Junker Dives in for Battle of Britain Referend-i
Jea n Claude Junker – not seen in the skies over theUK since the Battle of Britain seventy-five years ago – will be having tea with the Prime Minister to discuss their checkered history at Checkers this week. Having temporarily forgiven the PM for trying to have him thrown into prison on charges of being European at the height of British Un-Influence over European policy a few years ago, the Euro-chief has brought a packed lunch peace offering along with a flask full of bile for the two bleeders to share over a pot of uranium flavoured tea hand picked by KGB assassins, much favoured as a relaxant by the government’s patrolling elite.
“Gay coupling no longer a longing” say Celtic Tiger matrimony compliance office
Positing afresh the conundrums that Popes have kept hidden under their vestments for centuries, the world became a safer place for Guinness loving similar sex couplings this week as everyone in the land was able to express their thoughts without fear of being told to leave the country and go live somewhere else if they don’t like it. The tide of “marriage is too good for them” sentiment around the world has suffered a blow not seen since the last time a bunch of people got off their butts and said “Enough is enough, this Madness has to end!” (BTW not Madness of the “Our House/It Must be Love, Love, Love” variety, ed.)
Nostalgia Hits Pain Barrier as US/Russian relations seek counseling to avoid international breakup
With Prezzies Putin and Obama both facing criticism from Sir John McCain of the Couldn’t be more Right Wing if we tried campaign for failed presidential contenders, International lawyers are raking it in while working on the divorce papers being filed with the International Court of Human Flight. With more people trying to get somewhere on the planet that they’re not supposed to be than ever before in the history of human migration since the dawn of humanity, the two biggest Nuclear ARSEnalated powers in the world are in a stand off about sitting on the fence when it comes to the big picture that needs a new frame and a bigger wall to hang the bugger on. More updates to follow as no-one wants to talk about this issue too much while the proxi wars are taking place in the Middle Bleasdon desert, where everyone watches on in horror as people who make horror take over many of the oil fields eroding our beloved carbon neutral future.
IDS warns DLS of disquiet over anagram similarities
£12 Billion Welfare Cuts will create many new slices of the same old pie says IDS from his Westminster bunker. Sounding more Churchillian everyday, the quiet man of British Cruelty has little sympathy to spare – much less cash – for the lowly low paid and downtrodden who carpet the paving stones around number 10 Downing Street like discarded Ministerial chewing gum. Given that IDS PLC had no idea he would still be in the post elected Cabinet, it’s no surprise that Mr. IAM Dunkin’ Smithereens (Minister with responsibility for Pain Barriers) has quickly cobbled together an unworkable policy based on his previously unworkable policies made during the previously un-voted-for government.
Paul McCartney changes his name to MACCA by dead poll
For some time in the 1960’s it was rumoured that ex Cavern Club regular Sir Paul McCartney had died or been killed by a mysterious song writing bug that had bitten him in childhood. His increasingly fractious relationship with everyone around him pushed him toward carrying on as long as possible with a series of hits unparalleled in the music industry by any other left handed bass player. Now in his eighties and with several marriages behind him, the man who inspired “I buried Paul” when the white album was played backwards, and who was assumed to be a robot or an imposter for much of his career has proved that fans stick to you like glue and often come away all sticky and wet when you try to peel them off.
Selling out Wembley while reportedly still alive, Sir P set the fireworks rolling as the stadium filled with Dad Rock and the world of twitter was instantly populated with thousands of badly lit selfies.
Labour on Maternity Leave confused with Political Opposition in Hospital Case!
Former Scottish Labour politicians have found their road to redemption blocked by party plans to back a referendum on a united kingdom sounding as if it is closely linked to the so called Union Movement. Emergency Services were recently called to the border with Scotland to offer shelter to fleeing former Labour MP’s. A Scottish MP labour camp has been built close to Gretna Green, former home of quick marriages of convenience and political elopement close to the unprotected border with Scotland, formerly a land that hosted a majority Labour ethnic community. Dozens of former MP’s have fled the far north of the Island in the hope of seeking refuge in southern Labour Party strongholds in the slightly less further north of the same Island.
UKIP Flip flopping fillip blip, as Farage faces Barrage of re-assignation quips.
Denying that he had anything to do with himself when he resigned after the failed election campaign, UKIP’s former present leader presented his case to the media yesterday, insisting that they instead had a case to answer. Slamming his own case down on the table really hard Nigel went on to say: “We’re leaving Europe and everything and anyone else that tries to tell you different is nothing more than part of a stitch up conspiracy by vested interest in this country of two or three real countries that I care about passionately and want to change in many ways while turning back the clock in many others.”