Brit Opposition Un- Opposed to Opening Old Wounds Leaders Election Finds!
With the leadership of the ambidextrous party now a shoe in for the party’s right hand (wo)man, all eyes are on social media shaping policy for the first time since people were called wonks instead of geeks. The most seriously left of the leftists left over from the anti-left years when the party was last elected to run the country from the right has thrown his beard into the ring and challenged other challengers to grow one, grow up or to do something else with their faces besides talk in sound bytes.
Having realised that the last election was lost by them for the second time, the opposition has taken time to reflect on its opposition to its own internal conflict over re-presenting parts of the population that other parts providers cant reach.
Justice Meeted Out to Justice Minister Crutches Find!
Meanwhile in government circles the minister for justice, truth and the American way, Mickhail Gove-a-chops has been seen recently feining injury in a care home in order to gain some much needed media traction. “thank goodness my wife can take photos and hates the NHS and everything it stands for that isn’t our government policy” stated Judge Gove before being whisked into a souffle and served as a blancmange to a table full of swill feeding anti-european private education providers.
In sporting news
the shadow of former pharmacist turned charity cyclist Lance- the boil-Armstrong commented on the recent Tour de French Places and the recent winner, south african BRiton, Chris – piss in your face – Froome. Having first questioned the legitimacy of the spelling of Froome’s surname, Armstrong went on to announce he is coming out of retirement once again, and wants to take on the Tour winner in a mano a mano contest up the Alp D’Lu Es to see if a drug addled 40 year old can still beat the reigning “Just Say No” Champs Eh, Lee’s Eh(?) podium mounting champion.
Rally Death Tally Anomaly
In other mounting news, two rally drivers went over a cliff when they mistook a turn for a lay-by in Austria. “Driving seemed like such a fun thing to do until it went horribly wrong” said a rally organiser before coming back to deny he was anything of the sort. “We were shocked when we realised they hadn’t turned up just because they’d run out of fossil fuel.” Said a rallying expert from his dash mounted blue tooth iphone yesterday. He later commented while driving at 90 miles an hour until he hit the tailback on the M20 caused by international politicians who he believes should be shot for trying to scare people out of their cars with stories of impending climate change doom, the said driver said:”Once we get these ‘heads up’ displays sorted out, I’ll be able to talk to you, read my emails and watch my favourite U tube channel while driving in complete safety all the way to Calais!”
Wiser than the great sage of Herbalism, our weekly gardening column has commented favourably on the government’s decision to kill more bees with cigarette based pesticides than any previously elected parliament has been able to. With more power than a Selby Cobra Jet Flying V8, the drunken lords and ladies of darkness have decided that bees should be next in line to be offered the right to buy. Previously hive tenants have had little say in ownership of their homes or the honey and wax they use as currency to pay rent. Now the government has turned table on greedy apiarists and offered hard working bee colonies the right to own their own hives and keep all the honey for themselves. In a landmark decision by the Secretary of Selling, professional honey makers will lose the rights to hives, and bees for the first time will be empowered with legal rights over their own homes. (Those who survive the use of nicorette patch based insecticides that is)
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