Meat – the new Tobacco!
Experts have collided like giant objects in the night sky as scientists and domestic farm animals agree that eating them can be dangerous in direct proportion to you being what you eat. Eaters have come out in droves today to cite the latest findings as reason to ignore political correctness, and are up in arms – in some cases even tails – over what is seen as an intrusion by the World Health Organisation into the ongoing industrialisation of agriculture.
Zoo keepers too are said to be alarmed at the prospect of being sued for putting too much meat in the diets of predatory animals in their care. While sugar, salt and other preservative manufacturers are concerned at the impact this will have on what the food industry is willing to stuff into it’s sausages with government consent.
Chinese to overtake Britain as European Nuclear Power
Chairman Xi and his folk singing wife have visited Britain for the first time after being mistaken at customs for the deceased former Chinese Chair, Mouse-in-Tongue, a Chippendale Rocker who was big in the 20th Century, revolted against culture and swept the nation with his much talked about hit “The Little Red Book”. Xi however is as made in china as anyone and has come to the UK to buy the queen and sell his wife’s CD’s on a mini tour of the nation’s favourite Open Mic sessions.
While protesters protest about what people think of Tibet, and other things to do with human rights besides unregulated capitalism, some paid supporters of the Folk singer’s husband’s regime lined the pavement where pigeons usually loiter, and waved red flags thinking the next world cup had started and we had all been magically transported to a half finished stadium in Russia – except for political prisoners and the ones on death row waiting to have their kidneys removed for involuntary transplants.
House of Saud berates House of Parliament
Britain came under fire from Saudi diplomats yesterday as they sought to defuse tension between the two nations by threatening to scupper trade deals involving arms dealers and huge amounts of bribes to UK corporations. The Syrian flash point has focused attention on Britain’s foreign wars yet again as the world’s biggest oil producer and least democratic nation seeks to rally support for its cause and keep oil so cheap no one else will bother trying to get the stuff out of the ground and therefore keep purchasing it from their magic desert kingdom instead.
Having got wind of the fact that some Brit’s find that their own country’s relationship with a religious monarchic state that militarily supports other non-democracies has been going on for well over a century, some UK citz’s are suggesting that their own neo-colonial government should stop trading in things like prisons and implements of torture with the Arabian regime.
Overhauling the nation state and making everyone painfully aware of just how precarious life is, the government is this week at war with it’s un-elected components over how poor people really need to be before they deserve any help at all. Having created so many opt out clauses for a minimum wage that is impossible to live on without a government subsidising of business through the welfare system, the government has decided to shrink it’s welfare bill so it can hand more money back to corporations through a reduction in their tax rate that they don’t pay anyway. Chance-his-arm Osborne has instructed his minions to pretend that the nation is full of 100% employed people who work hard even though they are work shy yet still live off the state while in employment and paying taxes. Employment in the UK is now seen as a stepping stone to being able to pay off the debts incurred during childhood and the welfare system – like the war – is expected to be over by Christmas. BTW remember when VAT was less than 20%…?