Polit00ns: the “WAR – uhn! – what is it good for?” issue #19

Great Content As Government Forces Bomb Imaginary Opposition!

Waiting in the wings of an aircraft hanger full of British Dissident forces loyal to un-democracy, a larger than expected contingent of self proclaimed “Labourious Children of Benn” found their way back from the lost gardens of political oblivion to address the use of history to justify become part of it by citing precedents such as statues of  Bomber Harris, and the wholesale destruction of European populations and their dictators During WWII.

Pretending that there is some point to being anything other than completely anarchist about being in government, the free thinking majority of UK MP’s decided to send the entire British Air Force – Three planes and a guide dog – to fly the friendly skies over Syria and bomb enemy oil fields while everyone else on the planet meets in Paris to talk about ending our dependency on fossil fuels.

Paris Talks Agree To Bomb Refugees To Justify Arresting Global Warming!

With walking in Paris made illegal unless accompanied by a Gendarme or a diplomatic passport, those who are acting to change the global attitude that “What’s good for the economic climate has got to be good for the planetary one!” are ignored by governments pressing ahead with putting bombs and war high up the ranking of most global twitter feeds.

Hollywood Joins Escapist Trends And Updates Robinson Crusoe As A Modern Day Climate Refugee Love Story!

Missions to Mars notwithstanding the latest Hollywood blockbuster based on escaping a dying planet only to land on one that looks like a bombed Syrian Cit, have become all the rage. It is estimated that big movie spectacles help displace citizen anxiety about what is happening in the real world, relieving audiences of taking responsibility for the question: “How can we leave the Earth in such appalling condition for the children of the future?”

Writers Of Headlines Don’t Make Sense As Everyone Races To Bomb Things In The Desert Again!

Poverty, and gun crime take second page space as even Yankee nut-jobs who shoot the be-jezus out of disabled people in Care Centers and pregnant women in Family Planning Units can’t stay on the front pages for long. “Being a psychopath used to be a hell of a lot easier than this!” said one hostage taking nihilist before being shot dead by robo-cop while having the car keys extracted from her cold dead hands. Even police officers shooting innocent people on the basis of their skin colour can’t maintain headline space for long without quickly being shunted down the twitter feeds of major news organizations soon after their crimes and the calls for more gun control have been heard.

Charles Manson, famed for both killing people and inspiring Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys has lamented the end of the good old boy days from his honeymoon cottage somewhere on the edge of the American Penal System. “For me it was more about making friends and influencing people, but nowadays scratching a swastika into your forehead and claiming to be jesus just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. Look at what’s happened to the Yorkshire Ripper, I mean if people don’t think he’s a crazy fucker, what chance have the rest of us got?”

Hardened Murderers And Violent Criminals To Be Sent To Middle East To Create 70,000 Strong Ground Force To Make War Game Fantasy Into Desert Shit Storm Reality!

Having won the commons battle to send planes to bomb Syria so it looks like the UK is doing something to help it’s middle east bombing allies, the UK government is now said to be focusing on creating the 70,000 rebel fighters loyal to the Queen that it desperately needs on the ground so it doesn’t end up in a Blairite “Weapons of Mass Destruction” fiasco before the publication of the Chilcott Enquiry. Chilcott estimates that his dog eared dossier will go to press either before the end of the 21st century, or a 4 degrees Celsius temperature rise in the warming of planet Earth – whichever comes first.

Well, that’s if for another fun packed issue counting the shopping days left before the end of time.
Don’t’ forget about the Exhibition of new works on canvas by MacD (signed and for sale) The Enigma’s Progress at Jam Records, Falmouth

And you can still order copies of The Enigma Deviations – a collection of Politoons best cartoons of the year
Just get in touch with us here at our press facility:
info@thepoetrypoint.com

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pOlitOOns – the more war for less issue #18, dec, 2015

Dictionaries Declare: “This” Means “War!”

In a rush of blood and bones through the casualty department of humanity, the government intends to spend all of its time on Wednesday redefining the word “this” as an act of parliament. “This”, a word formerly used instead of pointing at something, will be amended by English Members to make dropping bombs in far away places easier for limited British military resources. An unofficial language expert explained government intentions to use the “this” crisis to highlight what “this” could mean in future:”As we’re spending so much on aid in foreign countries, it only makes sense that we show off what we can do with “this” to help others understand that they COULD VERY WELL get aid like “this” should they carry on insisting they don’t!”

Tories Told To Bully More Privately As Public Eye Exposed To Conservatory Trepanning Permission!

With the threat of losing their bombing campaign before it gets off the ground, troops loyal to president CamASSADmeron have vowed to heap pressure on their opposite number’s heads, barrel bombing all approaches to front bench headquarters and dropping support for party activists lately discovered to be sadistic zealots. Forcing such resignations may mean there will no longer be anyone left to sit on government benches and vote for changing the face of the nation beyond recognition, say experts paid to think like career minded politicians. This would leave the Prime Minister vulnerable to accusations that he sits alone at his play station while railing against the injustice of having to plead with pacifists to support his air strikes: “Please…? Pretty please…? Pretty please with a knighthood on top…?”

Using precision targeting techniques and getting into bed with other terrorizing governments this government previously wished to bomb in their last failed attempt to win votes to invade and influence the pacifist people of Britain, war footing strategists claim to have suddenly found 70,000 pieces of fabricated cannon fodder already fighting in Syria that need our undying love and air power. The P.M. is to turn to parliament with his hand raised asking to be excused while the rest of the class backs his assertion that the proposed war will be over by Xmas. David Hammeron laid out his case for war in the simplest terms: “For one, as there are no WMD’s to be found this time – apart from the one’s we’ll be dropping – we can assure the nation that Father Christmas Cola will neither remain grounded, nor be forced to deliver gift wrapped world capitalism through Amazin drone strikes while watching pigs fly at the North Pole as so many anti-xmasists opposite claim!”

Major Causes of Climate Concern Throw Their Unpaid Tax Money at Problem Change!

In a new xmas ad campaign, brand loyalists aim to keep their status updates in the news while Parisian protesters are thrown in jail without their shoes for saying the same thing in public. Dark Zuckerberg, Death Star generalissimo of FaceBake heritage, has overcome his reputation for sucking up information and turning it into advertising gold by investing in climate change as an innovative publicity strategy – meaning everyone thinks more positively about him and the other 84 richest members of our species on the planet. Using the Gates template for salving corporate conscience by attempting to cure world grief by curing a supposedly incurable disease of some kind, or by funding prototype mammalian missions to mars, the world’s richest off shore people intend to buy off world opinion and find a way back to green and pleasant landed gentry in order to return earthlings to the peace and love that inspires so many cat photos to be uploaded to the internet daily – certain proof experts say, of the ever evolving genius behind the myth of human wisdom.

Climate Change Deniers Switch Allegiance To Causes Of War Coalition!

Troubling interpretations of conflict revolution techniques mean that squabbles continue to break out like adolescent acne around the breakfast table in the Kremlin war room. While China attempts to build military wind farms on disputed pacific island territory, parachuting former soviet auto pilots are braving disputed borders in order to smuggle themselves and other supposedly communist-era regimes into Europe through an island of Lesbians. Looking as fresh faced as a burkha shop window display, the German Chancellor Angela Merc-rules posed yesterday in the Turkish photo shoot of EU members applauding dubious human rights records, hurrying along the treaty compromise over the current refugee crisis engulfing British intentions to join in the war game being played out in the Middle East because of what happened in Paris – a town somewhere south of Armorica, the home of former De Gaullist hero, Asterix.

And in other animal news:

Dead Chickens Need More Support Than Dead Cows!

Studies into murdered animals claim to have concluded that as it takes far more chicken’s lives to fill the belly of your average human carnivore, we should consider the number of actual chickens that are extinguished everyday just to put meat-style food on our tables when compared with other live animals that become dead for human consumption – such as ‘beef’ cattle. “Take a cow, for instance” said an expert trying to sound ethical, “a whole one would be difficult to digest in one sitting” he said while checking beneath his car for speed bumps.”On the other hand, you can eat chickens by the bucket-load and still have room for pudding!” For some consumers of food, this raises moral questions about the quantity of animals being killed for the purpose of their appetite reduction sensations. The latest studies compare life to size in several ways that hungry people don’t think of very often and which other experts suggest aren’t that important. ” If we can think about the same thing in different ways, in the end we’ll think differently about the same thing over time.” said an expert in how to say meaningless things without looking like an idiot.

“The deaths of certain animals are definitely size related.” Said a praying mantis female to it’s male sexual partner before biting his head off and laying her eggs in his abdomen for the impending larva to eat their way out of. Meanwhile Animal Farms around the country find the new statistics positively Orwellian in their implications. “No one’s even bothered to mention pigs yet” said a troubled porker at the trough. “Pigs always fall through the net, we’re neither small enough like chickens or big enough like cows for anyone to bother with, unless of course they don’t want to eat us at all, in which case we just get used as objects of abuse in religious circles.” Other pigs snorted in agreement, while a family of earthworms claimed to have proof that missing members of their family previously thought to have burrowed away on holiday had actually been drowned by humans before their bodies were then eaten by fish in a nearby river. Several selfies claiming to be of said worms were then produced while an entire school of fish are currently being gutted for their earthly remains by Japanese Whaling experts.

“Humans don’t seem bothered about the idea they might eat each other” said a passing spider busy cocooning a butterfly “Human animals should try to keep things in perspective – my mother killed herself so we’d have something to eat besides each other when we were born – I don’t think you people know which side of the web you’re stuck on sometimes!”

(no dead chickens could make themselves available for comment today.)
check out the new exhibition of MacD’s large works on canvas The Enigma’s Progress currently installed at Jam Records, Falmouth:

“Mac Dunlop’s new series introduces the visitor to an array of dramatically coloured imagery combined with beautiful line drawings and poetry.”

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The Take Away issue #16

Meat – the new Tobacco!

Experts have collided like giant objects in the night sky as scientists and domestic farm animals agree that eating them can be dangerous in direct proportion to you being what you eat.  Eaters have come out in droves today to cite the latest findings as reason to ignore political correctness, and are up in arms – in some cases even tails – over what is seen as an intrusion by the World Health Organisation into the ongoing industrialisation of agriculture.

Zoo keepers too are said to be alarmed at the prospect of being sued for putting too much meat in the diets of predatory animals in their care. While sugar, salt and other preservative manufacturers are concerned at the impact this will have on what the food industry is willing to stuff into it’s sausages with government consent.

Chinese to overtake Britain as European Nuclear Power

Chairman Xi and his folk singing wife have visited Britain for the first time after being mistaken at customs for the deceased former Chinese Chair,  Mouse-in-Tongue, a Chippendale Rocker who was big in the 20th Century, revolted against culture  and swept the nation with his much talked about hit “The Little Red Book”.  Xi however is as made in china as anyone and has come to the UK to buy the queen and sell his wife’s CD’s on a mini tour of the nation’s favourite Open Mic sessions.

While protesters protest about what people think of Tibet, and other things to do with human rights besides unregulated capitalism, some paid supporters of the Folk singer’s husband’s regime lined the pavement where pigeons usually loiter, and waved red flags thinking the next world cup had started and we had all been magically transported to a half finished stadium in Russia – except for political prisoners and the ones on death row waiting to have their kidneys removed for involuntary transplants.

House of Saud berates House of Parliament

Britain came under fire from Saudi diplomats yesterday as they sought to defuse tension between the two nations by threatening to scupper trade deals involving arms dealers and huge amounts of bribes to UK corporations. The Syrian flash point has focused attention on Britain’s foreign wars yet again as the world’s biggest oil producer and least democratic nation seeks to rally support for its cause and keep oil so cheap no one else will bother trying to get the stuff out of the ground and therefore keep purchasing it from their magic desert kingdom instead.

Having got wind of the fact that some Brit’s find that their own country’s relationship with a religious monarchic state that militarily supports other non-democracies has been going on for well over a century,  some UK citz’s are suggesting that their own neo-colonial government should stop trading in things like prisons and implements of torture with the Arabian regime.

Tax Credits to be removed from the ends of British Films!

Overhauling the nation state and making everyone painfully aware of just how precarious life is, the government is this week at war with it’s un-elected components over how poor people really need to be before they deserve any help at all.  Having created so many opt out clauses for a minimum wage that is impossible to live on without a government subsidising of business through the welfare system, the government has decided to shrink it’s welfare bill so it can hand more money back to corporations through a reduction in their tax rate that they don’t pay anyway. Chance-his-arm Osborne has instructed his minions to pretend that the nation is full of 100% employed people who work hard even though they are work shy yet still live off the state while in employment and paying taxes.  Employment in the UK is now seen as a stepping stone to being able to pay off the debts incurred during childhood and the welfare system – like the war – is expected to be over by Christmas. BTW remember when VAT was less than 20%…?

regular features:

My Day Off continues on The Source FM every Wednesday afternoon at 13:45pm GMT
The Enigma Deviations, the perfect antidote to doom.

and

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Politoons, issue #13: WTF? oh yeah, I heard about that…

Wake Up! My Day Off is screaming at you:

“There, stewing like hot plated sovereigns in dish shaped bowls of cratered earth I gathered crops of tooth paste and floss into mouthfuls of saliva and spat them out like so much discarded conversation.”

(an excerpt from episode 8 of My Day Off – episode 5 goes out this Monday at 10pm on London’s Resonance FM)

Meanwhile, back in reality…

The Queen’s Palace Dream is a Nightmare in Waiting:

Don’t worry though. El Queeno – the strange annual effect of dominion over the pacified nations of the formerly wave ruling United Kingdom has influenced government weather formations enough to exponentially increase the income of the wealthiest monarch in the country (well, the only one…) Meanwhile simultaneous tax credit subtraction from people who can’t afford to pay tax is being used to feather her highness’s nest. Equality has officially become something that Old Etonians can discuss over quail eggs and caviar without fear of revolution, as they bemoan the loss of empire that had previously banished the unruly or unkemp to some far flung corner of the globe – Happy Birthday Magna Carta!

Health Self-Service Sound Byte says Minister:

Meanwhile sickness is rife in the health service, where illness is being singled out by the Minister for Health PLC. “Look” says he of the needlessly unsympathetic when confronted by advisors,  “I’ve sent you a letter saying shut up or take early retirement. You can’t have both so if you don’t like it, choose your weapons now!”

250 thousand people can’t be wrong:

Protesters in London scratched at the surface of what is wrong with Britain when they said enough was enough and waited for the Prime Minister to admit he’d got it wrong on pretty much everything. Even the Prime Minister was forced to admit he was wrong about one thing: that 5 years ago,  even he never imagined that the Conservative Party could have gotten away with it.

It’s Official – English Women ARE Better at Footie than English Men:

In football news, no one noticed that England was doing well for once, because it was the woman’s team. England’s Women made it into the quarter finals of the world cup before the men did (in fact no British men’s team has ever managed to qualify for any women’s world cu). Given that the world cup is taking place in the colonies anyway, it is expected that no one will notice unless the English Lionesses come back with a nice shiny cup, or failing that, a series of leaks about performance enhancing drug use. The media waits with baited breath and potential hash tag news feed space – largely because football is more popular than other drug sports like cycling and distance running in the battle of  between media sexists and media sexiness.

International Invasions Invasive, study finds:

In other invasions this week Saudi Arabia has bombed the living spit out of its neighbour Yemen, while Syria and Iraq are still considered fair game as far as dropping anything that goes ‘boom’ goes.

And that’s about it, for this week’s important “WTF” moments of modern history. Apart from Presidents using the N word obviously, and petrol heads continuing to profit from the most over priced form of racing in human history (as Formula 1 popularity begins to sag, it is time to sell sell sell!)

 

Good luck with your sweet dreams, and don’t forget to tune into the “splendidly idiosyncratic” My Day Off on Radio Resonance FM 104.4 in London, or live on your wet dream webstream. Monday Nights, 22:00 hr GMT +1
cheers for now,
x macd

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50th anniversary of nostalgic assassination and near nuclear armageddon

Today, with so many momentus 50th anniversary occasions taking place – from Dead Kennedys to Dr. Whose – Politoons has decided to wreak it’s own devastating sense of nostalgia on the world of remembrance.

So here is a link to the extended sound byte known as HUMANITIES HISTORIES, a tuneful glow in the firmament of musical nostalgia and poetic injustice!

Humanities Histories

The whole race
Procreates
Like duty free
Primordial ooze
Snuck through customs
On a booze cruise…

Along with a few un-anniversarial toons below:

Nuclear Treaty draws closer!

While the US Secretary of state for foreigners drives into town to buy some chocolates for his wife, the talks continue as to how best enrich the world’s understanding of Persian Culture, and its right to better quality uranium for peace and parity with existing nuclear powers.

Proxy war in middle-aged east continues!

Israel and the House of Saud have becomes strange bedfellows as they find themselves on the same side of the table in relation to Persia Power, and who’s backing who in Syria.  While President Assad has had little to say on the Hom front, there has been a great deal of argument between the People’s Front of Syria, and the Syrian People’s Front.  Not to say that war is in any way funny, when tens of thousands have been killed, millions displaced by conflict and civil war is being funded by foreign governments on either side of the struggle. (if you were expecting a punchline, I’m afraid you’re reading the wrong script)

Don’t forget to enter our cartoon caption contest judging begins at the end of the month!

Goodbye from Politoons for now – until the next thing someone decides is worth remembering!

Radio Politoons, Short news supplement over and above your daily requirement

click here

That’s all your politoons news headlines for this week

follow us for regular updates, or leave a comment below, always good to hear what you think,

REMEMBER!

all text and images © M. Dunlop 2013

cheers, macd

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Middle Aged Whistling across the Gulf of Secrecy

MIDDLE EASTERN AGE CRISIS

In international news, the war in Syria has spread like a middle aged waistline around the Middle East, as revolution takes hold in Turkish parkland.

Online security forces across the globe meanwhile look to the entertainment industry to deflect attention from news reports suggesting that we are in the deepest doo doo since WWtwo-two– with some pundits arguing: ‘that one never properly finished anyway, nor did WW1-1-8 for that matter!’ Meanwhile Brad Pitt stars in the brand new 3D www3, on release online and in all especially spectacled cinemas now.

SPIES ‘N SECRET DATA STUFF

Billy Hague the harangued whistle-blower denier and British Foreign Secretary, suffered another setback to his hopes of resurrecting a lapsed career as leader of the official opposition. Denying that spying exists in Britain or anywhere else where Britain is deemed to exist, he was adamant that US agencies HAVE NOT got access to any ‘data’ that we haven’t got access to either. 

“It is simply wrong for people to assume that our Secret Services have any intelligence at all!” he shouted, at the policeman who refused to let him through the Downing Street gate.  “Our spies are baseless, and these claims are blameless!” He replied to comments on twitter, before saying that he actually meant to say that the other way round.  The CIA – who DO NOT HAVE access to UK communication systems – were quick to point out Mr. Hague’s blunder before it came up on his twit feeder.

Check out more info on Politoons here

and thanks for tuning in – follow us for regular updates, or leave a comment below, always good to hear what you think,

REMEMBER!

cheers, macd

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Oh oh, no more Mr. Nice Guy…

The new exhibition of satirical and political cartoon prints by Mac Dunlop “Does my ego look big in this?” is on show at Expressini, the artisan coffee shop on Killigrew Street in Falmouth from Wednesday June 27th until Tuesday August 14th, 2012

Open 9 to 5

7 days a week

Or check out the 20 print exhibition of MacD’s “My First Government Portfolio” at the Royal Cornwall Polytechic’s Summer Show, open daily until August 14th.

information about all past, present and future exhibitions here

Syrian leader begins to hear the music

Assad, though unelected
Still Expected to sell Annan his cunning plan:
“I promise to keep
Syria sweet,
And that Israel can keep
The Heights Golan!”
MacD

Why not get in touch to find out more, and to receive regular toons and limericks with the latest issue of Politoons– Macd’s cartoons that smooth out the bumps along the road of this political life.

Information on Prints, etc can be found here

 

Hague offers to do something about Syria

Hague Condemns ‘Criminal’ Regime At Friends of Syria Conference

Why not get in touch to find out more, and to receive regular toons and limericks with the latest issue of Politoons– Macd’s cartoons that smooth out the bumps along the road of this political life.

Information on Prints, etc can be found here

Mac Dunlop

RIP Marie Colvin, Remi Ochlik and 60 others

RIP MC, RO and at least 60 others in Hom, Syria.
Stop the bombing
See also UNresolved

Syrian President tells tanks to go Hom

Why not get in touch to find out more, and to receive regular toons and limericks with the latest issue of Politoons– Macd’s cartoons that smooth out the bumps along the road of this political life.

Information on Prints, etc can be found here

The Syrian UNresolution

The unresolved resolution

An UN-resolved limerick:
‘The Syrian leader was mad
But his two friends – Den Xi and Vlad
Were happy to tell him
That they’d never let him
Be overthrown like Saddam in Baghdad!’
Macd

Why not get in touch to receive more toons and limericks with the latest issue of Politoons- Macd’s cartoons that smooth out the bumps along the road of this political life.