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Bit of a mix up at the station so here’s the unadulterated podcast version MY DAY OFF EPISODE 11
Howdy – and don’t forget Doodey too! it’s time for the surrealistic noncommittal plagiarism of thought processes known as My Day Off to offend your ear defenses with the shock and awe of a fast as the speed of light or your service provider will allow.
Yes it’s episode 10 of the 15 minute freak show, so batten down your seat belts and clip on your hatches for the free ride of shared consciousness that will take you to 2pm GMT without batting an eyelid.
check out more info and older episodes eternally stored on the infernal web right here right now!
There will be a pOlitOOns year end review, don’t get me wrong, I’m still as jaded cynical and pessimistic as ever! But just before we go there, I’m passing on the word about some of the International political cartoonists who came up against it this year, brutally murdered, imprisoned, threatened, facing decades in jail or just being censored everyday. The artists who don’t necessarily make it on the front pages. Some – even most – of them you may not have heard of but if you want to find out more please visit the Cartoonists Rights website
POlitoons view is similar, caricature is about humour not antagonism. If anyhing political cartoong is often recyclable because the political world is a very repetitive place- we seldom learn from mistakes, and consequently most political cartoons don’t come with expiry dates.
It’s worth remembering that there is a serious side. Freedom of Expression takes a battering everywhere, freedoms and human rights are only real if humans can exercise them in the first place. Lots of things like laws snd rights look good on paper – just like cartoons for that matter!
Forms of censorship don’t just happen at the state level either. There is the undercurrent of trolling on the internet, for instance, there are many places and cultures where the law says one thing in words but not necessarily on the street. There is much un-coded reality to pick at. In p the end tyranny loves a good silence, it sees it as a step on the road to success.
The wire-men broke his hands
and in the years before he drew again,
his healed bones imagined once invisible
guns and time in sections
behind the captor’s masks
discarded on the road to Damascus
Along the humming wire
justified text and censored illuminations
hid those men reflecting everyday on screens
angled light and shade contrasting the far away hours
The rolling pen moves on and smoothly traces
the sweetness of drying ink and drier tears
hardening hands to their task like tempered steel
the itch, the scratch, the page, the unbroken art
ho ho ho!
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Hex Factor judge Simon Callow stood before a crowd of actors in the fly on the wall documentary of his reality television soap opera and watched them drop their wireless microphones in unison last night. The latest person to sound like all the other persons that have the hex factor nearly cried again ( subject to contract) when famous Judge person Mr. Simon said she reminded him of someone who previously had reminded him of someone before. The final finalist hid her eyes as she tried to think of the worst thing that had ever happened in a failed attempt to cry to camera. Failing that, she went on to wonder who they heck he meant? And no, it wasn’t the Susan woman famous for singing old music hall favorites who combines a unique shortness of breath with a similar stature.
enjoy your politoon moment until the next time.
x factor (ed) Continue reading
A satirist think tank claimed that denying Donald J. Trump media space was robbing the humor industry of one of it’s main sources of income. “Satirical commentary is lost without the concept of someone like Trump at it’s heart.” said a confused funny person with deadlines to meet and too many surreal cynical things to come up with. Experts suggest that overexposure and the pressure to be seen to be doing something different from everyone else is forcing editors to insist that their satire departments – mostly interns doing work experience – avoid writing about Trump because he is already a walking lampoon. There is also growing concern that old fashioned newspaper print firms are running out of orange hair dye ink.
“Trump is a towering figure in the world of caricature, and cynical writers of American Politics should play to their strengths”, said a British Chancellor of the Exchequer before insisting this reporter add the cliche: “Britain is fixing the roof while the sun is shining!” The said Chancellor of the Exchequer -who is expected to become Britain’s first Chancellor of the Excontactless card for a trial period sometime in the new year – is rumoured to have told aides that being the butt of nose-butt jokes had troubled his dark soul for some time, however the load of caricature seems to have eased considerably since the Trump phenomenon stepped down from reality television and into people’s daily lives. Donaldo’s window of opportunity to go quietly before being pushed is now widely expected to be delayed until sometime after the American Residential Defections next year.
Pensioners are being encouraged to dip into their honey pots to sweeten life in old age, when they might need a spare room of their own. “Preparing for the future is the best way of securing the now!” said a bright spark sales rep at the “Beds In Old Folks Homes” (BIOF Homes) time share convention taking place near Flipside Majority, somewhere on the Tory Margins of Cameroon Keynes. Spokespersons say that investors can start small with a buy-to-let bed pan scheme and expect an immediate return on their excretion. Stock markets have risen in expectation of huge pensioner funds dumping their investments into the UK’s ageing Care Less Homes sector.
“Worrying people about the death of the NHS before their own demise has brought untold billions in questionable investments!” said a person counting the money at the BIOF Homes Conference ‘Hello’ badge collection point.
One automated ad campaigner who cold called me this morning, saying they had been trying to contact me regarding a recent injury claim made the case for the BIOF of Care Homes:”Profit from others now, and secure your own ailing self-care plan against the threat of future bed blockers already putting pressure on the underfunded Nonsense of Health Service and other crumbling social care facilities! To find out more press the star button now.”
Reminded that the adult craze for their own coloring-in books is on the wane since no one showed up to shop on Black Friday, overweight consumers are turning to the expanding online market in things that take your mind off things – previously considered the preserve of 8 year olds and under. Marketing expert Lotti Boulshitze of the ‘What the dot dot dot” institute for consumer awareness says “this years craze for ‘the child inside’ gifts is popular because everyone wants to get back to a time when they weren’t necessarily responsible for making the world a better place, or for cleaning their own room”.
Seasonal spikes in calendar related consumer spending events such as Coca Cola’s sponsored “Christmas time” are considered to be the perfect moment for mature people to express their inner child’s desire to return to simpler times. “Christmas reminds us that there were times in history when things were as easy as: “Star, manger, immaculate conception – hey presto, Jo’s your uncle!”
MZ and partner undertook their accountwat’s advice and set up an offshore hedge fund in their daughter’s name, making it look like they were giving away all their money instead of paying taxes. Many people realised later that their privacy settings had been changed, and found the loving “Rich beyond our Wildest Dreams!” couple staring back at them from a 3 hour U tube video explaining their tax avoidance plans to an unwanted and uncaring public.
Analysts poured over the figures of a recent released Pirrelli calendar and found that some of the glossy photos indicate a model of corporate fraud that even professional photographers don’t understand. Seasonal props in the Pirrelli account of time in the future show that February next year is earmarked for there to be hardly anything worth wearing.
Cards? You want Cards? Sure you do!
Paintings? You want Paintings? Sure you do!
do get in touch firstname.lastname@example.org
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Waiting in the wings of an aircraft hanger full of British Dissident forces loyal to un-democracy, a larger than expected contingent of self proclaimed “Labourious Children of Benn” found their way back from the lost gardens of political oblivion to address the use of history to justify become part of it by citing precedents such as statues of Bomber Harris, and the wholesale destruction of European populations and their dictators During WWII.
Pretending that there is some point to being anything other than completely anarchist about being in government, the free thinking majority of UK MP’s decided to send the entire British Air Force – Three planes and a guide dog – to fly the friendly skies over Syria and bomb enemy oil fields while everyone else on the planet meets in Paris to talk about ending our dependency on fossil fuels.
With walking in Paris made illegal unless accompanied by a Gendarme or a diplomatic passport, those who are acting to change the global attitude that “What’s good for the economic climate has got to be good for the planetary one!” are ignored by governments pressing ahead with putting bombs and war high up the ranking of most global twitter feeds.
Missions to Mars notwithstanding the latest Hollywood blockbuster based on escaping a dying planet only to land on one that looks like a bombed Syrian Cit, have become all the rage. It is estimated that big movie spectacles help displace citizen anxiety about what is happening in the real world, relieving audiences of taking responsibility for the question: “How can we leave the Earth in such appalling condition for the children of the future?”
Poverty, and gun crime take second page space as even Yankee nut-jobs who shoot the be-jezus out of disabled people in Care Centers and pregnant women in Family Planning Units can’t stay on the front pages for long. “Being a psychopath used to be a hell of a lot easier than this!” said one hostage taking nihilist before being shot dead by robo-cop while having the car keys extracted from her cold dead hands. Even police officers shooting innocent people on the basis of their skin colour can’t maintain headline space for long without quickly being shunted down the twitter feeds of major news organizations soon after their crimes and the calls for more gun control have been heard.
Charles Manson, famed for both killing people and inspiring Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys has lamented the end of the good old boy days from his honeymoon cottage somewhere on the edge of the American Penal System. “For me it was more about making friends and influencing people, but nowadays scratching a swastika into your forehead and claiming to be jesus just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. Look at what’s happened to the Yorkshire Ripper, I mean if people don’t think he’s a crazy fucker, what chance have the rest of us got?”
Having won the commons battle to send planes to bomb Syria so it looks like the UK is doing something to help it’s middle east bombing allies, the UK government is now said to be focusing on creating the 70,000 rebel fighters loyal to the Queen that it desperately needs on the ground so it doesn’t end up in a Blairite “Weapons of Mass Destruction” fiasco before the publication of the Chilcott Enquiry. Chilcott estimates that his dog eared dossier will go to press either before the end of the 21st century, or a 4 degrees Celsius temperature rise in the warming of planet Earth – whichever comes first.
Well, that’s if for another fun packed issue counting the shopping days left before the end of time.
Don’t’ forget about the Exhibition of new works on canvas by MacD (signed and for sale) The Enigma’s Progress at Jam Records, Falmouth
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In a rush of blood and bones through the casualty department of humanity, the government intends to spend all of its time on Wednesday redefining the word “this” as an act of parliament. “This”, a word formerly used instead of pointing at something, will be amended by English Members to make dropping bombs in far away places easier for limited British military resources. An unofficial language expert explained government intentions to use the “this” crisis to highlight what “this” could mean in future:”As we’re spending so much on aid in foreign countries, it only makes sense that we show off what we can do with “this” to help others understand that they COULD VERY WELL get aid like “this” should they carry on insisting they don’t!”
With the threat of losing their bombing campaign before it gets off the ground, troops loyal to president CamASSADmeron have vowed to heap pressure on their opposite number’s heads, barrel bombing all approaches to front bench headquarters and dropping support for party activists lately discovered to be sadistic zealots. Forcing such resignations may mean there will no longer be anyone left to sit on government benches and vote for changing the face of the nation beyond recognition, say experts paid to think like career minded politicians. This would leave the Prime Minister vulnerable to accusations that he sits alone at his play station while railing against the injustice of having to plead with pacifists to support his air strikes: “Please…? Pretty please…? Pretty please with a knighthood on top…?”
Using precision targeting techniques and getting into bed with other terrorizing governments this government previously wished to bomb in their last failed attempt to win votes to invade and influence the pacifist people of Britain, war footing strategists claim to have suddenly found 70,000 pieces of fabricated cannon fodder already fighting in Syria that need our undying love and air power. The P.M. is to turn to parliament with his hand raised asking to be excused while the rest of the class backs his assertion that the proposed war will be over by Xmas. David Hammeron laid out his case for war in the simplest terms: “For one, as there are no WMD’s to be found this time – apart from the one’s we’ll be dropping – we can assure the nation that Father Christmas Cola will neither remain grounded, nor be forced to deliver gift wrapped world capitalism through Amazin drone strikes while watching pigs fly at the North Pole as so many anti-xmasists opposite claim!”
In a new xmas ad campaign, brand loyalists aim to keep their status updates in the news while Parisian protesters are thrown in jail without their shoes for saying the same thing in public. Dark Zuckerberg, Death Star generalissimo of FaceBake heritage, has overcome his reputation for sucking up information and turning it into advertising gold by investing in climate change as an innovative publicity strategy – meaning everyone thinks more positively about him and the other 84 richest members of our species on the planet. Using the Gates template for salving corporate conscience by attempting to cure world grief by curing a supposedly incurable disease of some kind, or by funding prototype mammalian missions to mars, the world’s richest off shore people intend to buy off world opinion and find a way back to green and pleasant landed gentry in order to return earthlings to the peace and love that inspires so many cat photos to be uploaded to the internet daily – certain proof experts say, of the ever evolving genius behind the myth of human wisdom.
Troubling interpretations of conflict revolution techniques mean that squabbles continue to break out like adolescent acne around the breakfast table in the Kremlin war room. While China attempts to build military wind farms on disputed pacific island territory, parachuting former soviet auto pilots are braving disputed borders in order to smuggle themselves and other supposedly communist-era regimes into Europe through an island of Lesbians. Looking as fresh faced as a burkha shop window display, the German Chancellor Angela Merc-rules posed yesterday in the Turkish photo shoot of EU members applauding dubious human rights records, hurrying along the treaty compromise over the current refugee crisis engulfing British intentions to join in the war game being played out in the Middle East because of what happened in Paris – a town somewhere south of Armorica, the home of former De Gaullist hero, Asterix.
And in other animal news:
Studies into murdered animals claim to have concluded that as it takes far more chicken’s lives to fill the belly of your average human carnivore, we should consider the number of actual chickens that are extinguished everyday just to put meat-style food on our tables when compared with other live animals that become dead for human consumption – such as ‘beef’ cattle. “Take a cow, for instance” said an expert trying to sound ethical, “a whole one would be difficult to digest in one sitting” he said while checking beneath his car for speed bumps.”On the other hand, you can eat chickens by the bucket-load and still have room for pudding!” For some consumers of food, this raises moral questions about the quantity of animals being killed for the purpose of their appetite reduction sensations. The latest studies compare life to size in several ways that hungry people don’t think of very often and which other experts suggest aren’t that important. ” If we can think about the same thing in different ways, in the end we’ll think differently about the same thing over time.” said an expert in how to say meaningless things without looking like an idiot.
“The deaths of certain animals are definitely size related.” Said a praying mantis female to it’s male sexual partner before biting his head off and laying her eggs in his abdomen for the impending larva to eat their way out of. Meanwhile Animal Farms around the country find the new statistics positively Orwellian in their implications. “No one’s even bothered to mention pigs yet” said a troubled porker at the trough. “Pigs always fall through the net, we’re neither small enough like chickens or big enough like cows for anyone to bother with, unless of course they don’t want to eat us at all, in which case we just get used as objects of abuse in religious circles.” Other pigs snorted in agreement, while a family of earthworms claimed to have proof that missing members of their family previously thought to have burrowed away on holiday had actually been drowned by humans before their bodies were then eaten by fish in a nearby river. Several selfies claiming to be of said worms were then produced while an entire school of fish are currently being gutted for their earthly remains by Japanese Whaling experts.
“Humans don’t seem bothered about the idea they might eat each other” said a passing spider busy cocooning a butterfly “Human animals should try to keep things in perspective – my mother killed herself so we’d have something to eat besides each other when we were born – I don’t think you people know which side of the web you’re stuck on sometimes!”
(no dead chickens could make themselves available for comment today.)
check out the new exhibition of MacD’s large works on canvas The Enigma’s Progress currently installed at Jam Records, Falmouth:
“Mac Dunlop’s new series introduces the visitor to an array of dramatically coloured imagery combined with beautiful line drawings and poetry.”
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New research by the government that thinks it can do whatever it likes having survived 5 years of coaliting with the enemy shows that discussing real things by attaching the prefix ‘existential’ to the subject confuses the inattentive public. Previously democratic voters are unsure as to whether their own government – and by implication everyone else they chat with in the pub – are talking about real reality or just a series of existential or fantastically imagined things.
The Chancellor of the Axechecker and the Wank of England are both in difficulty as it emerges that there are not enough poor people to blame for the financial crisis that they have been voted into office in order to solve on the last two occassions. Ministers have come to realise that in the confusion over collective short term memory loss (The Current British Prime Minister being an exact warrior clone of the last one, for instance) makes governing the system that makes subsidising rich people look like fixing the roof when the sun shines a lot easier.
The government’s genocidal nature toward anyone with sympathy for others is seeping into the foreground of death cult politics. So called “friendlies” for instance have recently evolved from previously highly competitive international football matches into highly lucrative arena spectacles where supporters from each nation’s side sing each other’s songs and wave each other’s flags while the players on the pitch kick each others balls and even score each others goals.
PR gurus fed by rich individual donors to government think tank programs have turned to philosophical components of how we view reality in order to underfund the people’s broadcasting network while seeking new media markets in propagandist bolt holes previously the preserve of dictators, oil rich monarchies and dictators.
Other examples of existential events*:
existential terrorist threats
existential economic crisis
existential refugee crisis
*commonly these existentialities are bundled together into
the more general ‘existential threat to our way of life’
“Existentialism is essentially existence multiplied quantitatively by a sense of essentiallism”. Said one young government intern keen to be quoted, having just left Eton with a Bullington Club coupon entitling them to a free Latte with entry to any secret initiation ceremony of their choosing.
Meanwhile the National Health Service has been re-branded as the “No Hope Sunshine” corporation. The new NHS recently ordered a million doses of Viagra and 3 million botox injections to be stored for distribution should a future crisis mean that the multinational makers of both products are forced to leave their off shore tax haven – a place commonly referred to as “The Republic of Ireland”.
Jeremy Corbyn the latest in a long line of distinguished Labour leaders has come under fire for saying exactly the same thing that he said when elected to the party leadership a month ago. Pundits blame his poll rating slide on the fact that he hasn’t changed his mind or caved in on anything as was expected once he got elected and could then be told what to do. People who lost thatelection along with the last two major national ones that will keep the Labourious party out of government for at least a decade are up in muted arms about the new leader’s lack of backtracking.
“Of course we should listen to those who lose!” said a labour leader loser who did not wish to be named. “What’s more if we are going to be an effective opposition, we need to have policies that are nearly the same as the government in power, or let’s face it, we’ll never get elected like they do!”
Turkey shot down a Russian Plane with it’s own American jets for bombing in Syrian territory that looked like part of Turkey from very high up, where the jets were apparently flying at the time. The Russian pilots ejected from the whatsit and everyone is blaming each other because this looks like the start of WW3, and nobody wants that on their conscience, or in their autobiography for that matter.
Ever since the war on drugs found out about poppy fields in Afghanistan and Cocoa plantations in the America of the South, antidisestablishmentarianists have been fuming over who’s bogarting the joint as it goes round the veto-ists of the UN Security Council. Having decided that flying planes into each other’s territory is the only way to keep the media storm over where to have a war next on the front pages of screen based apps and twitter feeds, poll manipulators have suggested that the government get with the social media program and start it’s own propaganda campaigns. (f.f.i check out: #bombeffingeveryfing!, #noIneverUdid2, and #isitabirdisitaplaneisitisis?
Now that the international football federation has decided its top team of world cup negotiators don’t collect enough bribes to earn their keep, Seb Coe chair of the world Anti Doping Agency has been surrounded by controversy over his own bribes made as a wedding gift for his corporate sponsors at Nike. Nike’s hometown has been reshaped into a trademark tic as it competed against itself to host the next world athletics championship and has even begun work on the new anti doping emporium sponsored by Fyzwhore, the largest international manufacturers of happy pills. Depression and not enough access to sports on screen are thought to be linked by advertisers intent on shoring up the eroding landscape of Mad Men era fashion statements and people who like tattoos.
Having holed up in Gay Pariee for a few days of malevolence, the latest fascist guru’s of gun porn held a press conference while being surrounded by paramilitary police in two of Europe’s most famous capitals.
Speaking through an atheist interpreter the drugged up nihilists promoted their vision for apocalypse and the final battle to be waged in the Middling Ease between Pepsi and Coca Cola. The explosive wearing fascistionados apologised for the effect their actions may have on the live music scene – already threatened by itunes and third party piracy giants – before racing against time to blow themselves up before being blown up by forces amassed beyond their control.
to find out more or to purchase the latest compendium of Politoons in the form of The Enigma Deviations get in touch with info(at)thepoetrypoint.com
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everything is slower today
numb as blood frozen head shot
of artist’s self-portrait
but for grace and gods
the words here might not be
and being not as they were
a thousand times
being shot at
for being read
x peace and love
Painting with Light -The Enigma’s Progress
An exhibition of new works on canvas by Politoons editor Mac D
on display at Jam Records in Falmouth from November 20th until January 15th 2016
Tuesdays to Saturdays 10:30 am to 5pm
Mac’s visual work is not without controversy as he combines modern digital media with his painting and writing skills. Some consider this style of working to be outside the remit of traditional painting, but experimenting with different techniques is not unusual. There are plenty of examples of using non-painting techniques to make paintings. Consider in the colour paper collages of Henri Matisse, Andy Warhol’s screen print paintings, or even the stencil spray techniques used by contemporary graffiti artists such as Banksy.
Mac Dunlop’s new series introduces the visitor to an array of dramatically coloured imagery combined with poetry on the theme of love.
The artist says:
“Ever since working on my first exhibition of digital imagery “True to Life”
in 2008 – a series of fanciful photo adventures that celebrate the King Harry Ferry, I’ve been wrestling with how to involve digital techniques into my painting.”
“I wanted the clean lines that digital production makes possible. At the same time I wanted to contrast mechanical printing with the more expressive lines that you get in handwriting and sketching freehand. Bringing them together creates a unique tension in the same way that placing a particular colour beside another can create a particular mood or atmosphere.”
Mac features in the newly published collection of 26 Cornish writers “A Space to Write”, an intimate account and photographic study of writers and their writing spaces in Cornwall.
His own collection of drawings and cartoons “The Enigma Deviations” was published last year by The Poetry Point Press.
Mac is a professional member of the National Association of Writers in Education (NAWE) and works with various Cornish Cultural organisations – Hall for Cornwall, Falmouth Art Gallery, The Exchange and Newlyn Art Gallery, Kernow Education and Arts Partnership (KEAP) the Indpendent School of Art and Caravanserai. He founded The Poetry Point in 2008 – a website portal to visual art, poetry and spoken word events in Cornwall and the South West. Mac also works as a radio producer, his radio shows air on Cornwall’s The Source Fm, and on London’s Resonance FM.
for more information or to speak with the artist contact
Mac Dunlop at
Location: Jam Records
32 High Street
Experts have collided like giant objects in the night sky as scientists and domestic farm animals agree that eating them can be dangerous in direct proportion to you being what you eat. Eaters have come out in droves today to cite the latest findings as reason to ignore political correctness, and are up in arms – in some cases even tails – over what is seen as an intrusion by the World Health Organisation into the ongoing industrialisation of agriculture.
Zoo keepers too are said to be alarmed at the prospect of being sued for putting too much meat in the diets of predatory animals in their care. While sugar, salt and other preservative manufacturers are concerned at the impact this will have on what the food industry is willing to stuff into it’s sausages with government consent.
Chairman Xi and his folk singing wife have visited Britain for the first time after being mistaken at customs for the deceased former Chinese Chair, Mouse-in-Tongue, a Chippendale Rocker who was big in the 20th Century, revolted against culture and swept the nation with his much talked about hit “The Little Red Book”. Xi however is as made in china as anyone and has come to the UK to buy the queen and sell his wife’s CD’s on a mini tour of the nation’s favourite Open Mic sessions.
While protesters protest about what people think of Tibet, and other things to do with human rights besides unregulated capitalism, some paid supporters of the Folk singer’s husband’s regime lined the pavement where pigeons usually loiter, and waved red flags thinking the next world cup had started and we had all been magically transported to a half finished stadium in Russia – except for political prisoners and the ones on death row waiting to have their kidneys removed for involuntary transplants.
Britain came under fire from Saudi diplomats yesterday as they sought to defuse tension between the two nations by threatening to scupper trade deals involving arms dealers and huge amounts of bribes to UK corporations. The Syrian flash point has focused attention on Britain’s foreign wars yet again as the world’s biggest oil producer and least democratic nation seeks to rally support for its cause and keep oil so cheap no one else will bother trying to get the stuff out of the ground and therefore keep purchasing it from their magic desert kingdom instead.
Having got wind of the fact that some Brit’s find that their own country’s relationship with a religious monarchic state that militarily supports other non-democracies has been going on for well over a century, some UK citz’s are suggesting that their own neo-colonial government should stop trading in things like prisons and implements of torture with the Arabian regime.
Overhauling the nation state and making everyone painfully aware of just how precarious life is, the government is this week at war with it’s un-elected components over how poor people really need to be before they deserve any help at all. Having created so many opt out clauses for a minimum wage that is impossible to live on without a government subsidising of business through the welfare system, the government has decided to shrink it’s welfare bill so it can hand more money back to corporations through a reduction in their tax rate that they don’t pay anyway. Chance-his-arm Osborne has instructed his minions to pretend that the nation is full of 100% employed people who work hard even though they are work shy yet still live off the state while in employment and paying taxes. Employment in the UK is now seen as a stepping stone to being able to pay off the debts incurred during childhood and the welfare system – like the war – is expected to be over by Christmas. BTW remember when VAT was less than 20%…?
Extrajudicial killings are now provided freeby the taxpayer funded military instead of the antiquated taxpayer funded courts. The suddenly rubber stamped landmark ruling allows pilot-less robots to bring swift death and justice to ex-pats and their neighbours who live in any bomb-able foreign land. Prime Meister David “Bomber” Cameron faced tough questioning over sending air ships into the desert in search of welsh people suspected of hiding in head coverings and beards. The unrepentant leader of the Conserva-kill-list Party went on to accuse anyone opposed to the use of military force to assassinate ex-pat British citizens of being “like, really un-grown-up and stuff!”. Reminding the rubber stamp club of MP’s surrounding him that the cost of having an attorney general in your pocket is to be replaced by the assumption that anyone accused of an offense must be guilty anyway, innit, at the end of the day, I’m not a racialist but… where you from anyway?
Meanwhile the Government deftly avoided the anti-European migration crisis by insisting that Britian could find its own refugees – thankyou very much! Intending to go to the source of refugees and find the best ones -preferably anti euro ones, who had stayed behind because the last thing they want is to be part of Europe! Euro-sceptics in the government were content in the knowledge that any refugees taken in by the English part of the British Leadership would first be vetted for their UKIP sympathies, then offered British only visas at a yet to be disclosed non-european price.
Dredging for Britain!
Yetserday’s minutes from Parliament clarifyied that the government’s slim majority is held together by a Conservative manifesto pledge to dredge the English Channel until it is deeper than the world record Marianas Trench. Expanding on the expansion of the distance between Britain and Europe, conservative planners will soon unveiled a vision for removing the topsoil of England from the sea bed beneath in order to drift the entire British Isles further out into the Atlantic, where they can host as many American Military bases and nuclear armaments as the nation’s hot air suspension system will allow.
Hospital Staff Shortages seen as sign of business success!
Business leaders have come out in support of Bed Staff and financial shortcomings in the nation’s hospitals today, saying that this is a sign of an improving economy in the medical industry. Not having enough trained staff may be largely down to underfunded Nursing Colleges, but staff shortages also indicate a growing market in private health care that could quickly expand into the vacuum left by an under resourced national health care system, a new studies by the IPPI (the Institute Paid for by Private Industry) claims.
The end of Britain’s oldest current King or Queen is nigh, but still awaits further Helen Mirren adaptations to be spun out to Hollywood before she feels ready to retire . Her Madge intends to go out with a bang along with one of the largest inherited fortunes in the country – left intact by more than a dozen different parliaments who one after another fawned disgracefully at her feet for the entirety of her reign. All for want of a horse! Or at least an OBE…
(bet I’m not getting one – ed.)
My Day Off -the 15 minute series of humorous monologues by Mac Dunlop – joins Cornwall’s the Source Fm, along with London’s Resonance FM
Listen in online at London’s Resonance FM 96.1 every Monday night at 10pm
or every Wednesday afternoon at 1:45pm on Cornwall’s The Source FM
if you can’t tune in, the first three episodes are available here
Listen in on London’s Resonance FM 96.1 every Monday night at 10pm
or every Wednesday afternoon at 1:45pm on The Source FM
UKIP senses that it’s greatest strength is in it’s complete isolation from everything else, and so a decision has been agreed by it’s owner to stand alone aside and say “No to Britain!” The Last Farage spoke on the subject recently realizing he hadn’t had much media coverage since giving up at the last election. “We’re not an island for no reason!” said the UKIPPITTY Leader at the launch of a new range of very short neckties – catering for the growing market in fashion for the double chinned – yesterday. In his first appearance since total defeat at the last election, Mr. F-of -U-KIP told this tissue paper: “These continental ties have to be cut in order for our country to maintain it’s island roots, especially in the face of a rising tide of floods of swarms of plagues of other people trying to get in because they think I must make sense to a lot of people!”
He then symbolically cut his own necktie even shorter, daring David Cameraman and other defeated party leaders to do the same.
PM Cam and PMT wife Sam were caught up in the waves of emotion overspilling a Cornish beach where recent storm sewers have emptied vast quantities of Newquay effluent into the seaside paradise. Having survived many a shit storm in his time, the nation’s answer to slicked down hair and Elvis impersonators stood proudly on the beach in a wetsuit impregnated with security personnel trying to make enough space for the Cameroons to sit on a towel and eat sand crusted ice cream while talking sagely to each other about the weather: ‘It isn’t the same as last year, but it never is though is it dear? I suppose… but it’s such a shame for families who are too afraid to leave this country and go on holiday somewhere else isn’t it? Mmmm, yes dear… shall we share a pasty now for the cameras? Oh yes! I do so want to keep the local economy afloat – so to speak – at least for the duration of this photo shoot!”
Amputating the waste that hospitals around the country generate each year has become a focus of attention for the rudely healthy Chancellor of the Exchequer. Closing down the NHS is one option being considered by Whitehall Mandarins who don’t fall ill very often and therefore see no reason why other people can’t follow their example. With nothing much happening over the summer months, the national hell’s service has been wheeled out for private health providers to pillory and attack until the House of Commons re-sits in September, when it will come together over the issue and debate new and innovative ways of making every citizen’s life more uncomfortable and insecure.
Aware that the Russian and United States Empires are only a few miles apart in places, Obamawhammaflimflam flew into the polar region today to rename a mountain with it’s original name. On arrival, the Great Prez promised to do everything he could to show Russia that they weren’t the only Empirical Nation serious about screwing up the fragile arctic habitat as it’s protective shield of ice melts away. Canada for it’s part has also turned it’s attention north, hoping to make an even bigger mess that can be seen from space than the tar sands projects being largely abandoned further south as fossil fuel investment money has been evaporating for sometime in the land of ice and yellow snow.
With nothing to do in the Caliphate since murdering and displacing everyone they didn’t like the look of, ISIS architects have turned their attention to old fashioned ruins. One town planner said of their recent ruining of ruins, “These Temples may have stood the test of time, but this is the 21st Century after all, and even ruins need updating! I mean these were world heritage sites from before the days of dynamite, and that is so like you know, not very ‘now’ at all!”
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With the leadership of the ambidextrous party now a shoe in for the party’s right hand (wo)man, all eyes are on social media shaping policy for the first time since people were called wonks instead of geeks. The most seriously left of the leftists left over from the anti-left years when the party was last elected to run the country from the right has thrown his beard into the ring and challenged other challengers to grow one, grow up or to do something else with their faces besides talk in sound bytes.
Having realised that the last election was lost by them for the second time, the opposition has taken time to reflect on its opposition to its own internal conflict over re-presenting parts of the population that other parts providers cant reach.
Meanwhile in government circles the minister for justice, truth and the American way, Mickhail Gove-a-chops has been seen recently feining injury in a care home in order to gain some much needed media traction. “thank goodness my wife can take photos and hates the NHS and everything it stands for that isn’t our government policy” stated Judge Gove before being whisked into a souffle and served as a blancmange to a table full of swill feeding anti-european private education providers.
the shadow of former pharmacist turned charity cyclist Lance- the boil-Armstrong commented on the recent Tour de French Places and the recent winner, south african BRiton, Chris – piss in your face – Froome. Having first questioned the legitimacy of the spelling of Froome’s surname, Armstrong went on to announce he is coming out of retirement once again, and wants to take on the Tour winner in a mano a mano contest up the Alp D’Lu Es to see if a drug addled 40 year old can still beat the reigning “Just Say No” Champs Eh, Lee’s Eh(?) podium mounting champion.
In other mounting news, two rally drivers went over a cliff when they mistook a turn for a lay-by in Austria. “Driving seemed like such a fun thing to do until it went horribly wrong” said a rally organiser before coming back to deny he was anything of the sort. “We were shocked when we realised they hadn’t turned up just because they’d run out of fossil fuel.” Said a rallying expert from his dash mounted blue tooth iphone yesterday. He later commented while driving at 90 miles an hour until he hit the tailback on the M20 caused by international politicians who he believes should be shot for trying to scare people out of their cars with stories of impending climate change doom, the said driver said:”Once we get these ‘heads up’ displays sorted out, I’ll be able to talk to you, read my emails and watch my favourite U tube channel while driving in complete safety all the way to Calais!”
Wiser than the great sage of Herbalism, our weekly gardening column has commented favourably on the government’s decision to kill more bees with cigarette based pesticides than any previously elected parliament has been able to. With more power than a Selby Cobra Jet Flying V8, the drunken lords and ladies of darkness have decided that bees should be next in line to be offered the right to buy. Previously hive tenants have had little say in ownership of their homes or the honey and wax they use as currency to pay rent. Now the government has turned table on greedy apiarists and offered hard working bee colonies the right to own their own hives and keep all the honey for themselves. In a landmark decision by the Secretary of Selling, professional honey makers will lose the rights to hives, and bees for the first time will be empowered with legal rights over their own homes. (Those who survive the use of nicorette patch based insecticides that is)
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