Summertime and the living is easy… especially when you’ve got the first episode of MY DAY OFF on London’s Resonance FM at 10 PM, starting this Monday night, June 1st at 10pm BST (GMT+1) Hope you can join me for 15 minutes of “monologue is the new poetry”! ;)
Monthly Archives: May 2015
From Beer to Maternity – the voice recognition tissue, Politoons 2015 #12
Cam flim flams over Brexit ‘frendum plans
With the world about to implode over the outcome of the latest British election results that have been dragged out for the entire month of May, Government officials have offered people who live here no say in what happens when it comes to being part of where they came from to get here. Confusing the electorate with ideas about what constitutes living in Britain besides living in Britain, the governing class plans to hold a referendum election quickly in the hope that it will be over before you know it.
Junker Dives in for Battle of Britain Referend-i
Jea n Claude Junker – not seen in the skies over theUK since the Battle of Britain seventy-five years ago – will be having tea with the Prime Minister to discuss their checkered history at Checkers this week. Having temporarily forgiven the PM for trying to have him thrown into prison on charges of being European at the height of British Un-Influence over European policy a few years ago, the Euro-chief has brought a packed lunch peace offering along with a flask full of bile for the two bleeders to share over a pot of uranium flavoured tea hand picked by KGB assassins, much favoured as a relaxant by the government’s patrolling elite.
“Gay coupling no longer a longing” say Celtic Tiger matrimony compliance office
Positing afresh the conundrums that Popes have kept hidden under their vestments for centuries, the world became a safer place for Guinness loving similar sex couplings this week as everyone in the land was able to express their thoughts without fear of being told to leave the country and go live somewhere else if they don’t like it. The tide of “marriage is too good for them” sentiment around the world has suffered a blow not seen since the last time a bunch of people got off their butts and said “Enough is enough, this Madness has to end!” (BTW not Madness of the “Our House/It Must be Love, Love, Love” variety, ed.)
Nostalgia Hits Pain Barrier as US/Russian relations seek counseling to avoid international breakup
With Prezzies Putin and Obama both facing criticism from Sir John McCain of the Couldn’t be more Right Wing if we tried campaign for failed presidential contenders, International lawyers are raking it in while working on the divorce papers being filed with the International Court of Human Flight. With more people trying to get somewhere on the planet that they’re not supposed to be than ever before in the history of human migration since the dawn of humanity, the two biggest Nuclear ARSEnalated powers in the world are in a stand off about sitting on the fence when it comes to the big picture that needs a new frame and a bigger wall to hang the bugger on. More updates to follow as no-one wants to talk about this issue too much while the proxi wars are taking place in the Middle Bleasdon desert, where everyone watches on in horror as people who make horror take over many of the oil fields eroding our beloved carbon neutral future.
IDS warns DLS of disquiet over anagram similarities
£12 Billion Welfare Cuts will create many new slices of the same old pie says IDS from his Westminster bunker. Sounding more Churchillian everyday, the quiet man of British Cruelty has little sympathy to spare – much less cash – for the lowly low paid and downtrodden who carpet the paving stones around number 10 Downing Street like discarded Ministerial chewing gum. Given that IDS PLC had no idea he would still be in the post elected Cabinet, it’s no surprise that Mr. IAM Dunkin’ Smithereens (Minister with responsibility for Pain Barriers) has quickly cobbled together an unworkable policy based on his previously unworkable policies made during the previously un-voted-for government.
Paul McCartney changes his name to MACCA by dead poll
For some time in the 1960’s it was rumoured that ex Cavern Club regular Sir Paul McCartney had died or been killed by a mysterious song writing bug that had bitten him in childhood. His increasingly fractious relationship with everyone around him pushed him toward carrying on as long as possible with a series of hits unparalleled in the music industry by any other left handed bass player. Now in his eighties and with several marriages behind him, the man who inspired “I buried Paul” when the white album was played backwards, and who was assumed to be a robot or an imposter for much of his career has proved that fans stick to you like glue and often come away all sticky and wet when you try to peel them off.
Selling out Wembley while reportedly still alive, Sir P set the fireworks rolling as the stadium filled with Dad Rock and the world of twitter was instantly populated with thousands of badly lit selfies.
Labour on Maternity Leave confused with Political Opposition in Hospital Case!
Former Scottish Labour politicians have found their road to redemption blocked by party plans to back a referendum on a united kingdom sounding as if it is closely linked to the so called Union Movement. Emergency Services were recently called to the border with Scotland to offer shelter to fleeing former Labour MP’s. A Scottish MP labour camp has been built close to Gretna Green, former home of quick marriages of convenience and political elopement close to the unprotected border with Scotland, formerly a land that hosted a majority Labour ethnic community. Dozens of former MP’s have fled the far north of the Island in the hope of seeking refuge in southern Labour Party strongholds in the slightly less further north of the same Island.
UKIP Flip flopping fillip blip, as Farage faces Barrage of re-assignation quips.
Denying that he had anything to do with himself when he resigned after the failed election campaign, UKIP’s former present leader presented his case to the media yesterday, insisting that they instead had a case to answer. Slamming his own case down on the table really hard Nigel went on to say: “We’re leaving Europe and everything and anyone else that tries to tell you different is nothing more than part of a stitch up conspiracy by vested interest in this country of two or three real countries that I care about passionately and want to change in many ways while turning back the clock in many others.”
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Post Elective Stress Disorder Special! May 2015 #11
Handwriting turns to Wringing as Princely Spiders Weave Regal Webshite!
Fickle Prince Charles, pontificate Royale’ of the court of Engerland faced damaging hair loss this week as judges ruled in favour of seeing what favour he tried to curry with political underlings for his Empire of Duchy biscuits and Loose Leaf tea plantations.
South African Cricketer Can’t Do It for England says Sticky Wicket Keeper!
Kelvin Piater’s son KP was mocked for scoring more runs than anyone else in the country this week. Following the appointment of someone who wasn’t very good at being England’s Cricket captain to the post of someone who isn’t very good at being on the English Cricket Board, news was breaking today that the best batsman in the country couldn’t play for his own country or for this one neither. KP remained loyal to his autobiographical gossip but urged that the team purge itself of the issue of Trust, saying “It’s not how you win or lose mate – it’s how you win full stop!”
In art News:
Picasso That Fell off the Back of an Easel breaks Record for Algerian Femen Protest!
A big drawing that can legally be described as a painting fell into the hands of some idiot with more money than sense this week as someone who was so embarrassed at wanting the picture that no one else thought worth having refused to be named in the auction house that made a mint out of pretending the damn thing was worth anything in the first place!
Giacometti Stick Figure Reaches Six Figures!
Meanwhile a more memorable sculpture came up for sale and because it didn’t have it’s arms or heads missing like that famous winged angel in the Louvre, or all those thousands of Greek sculptures that are ‘priceless’ even though the hands and genitals have been chiseled off. Money isn’t everything though is it? I’ve got a light bulb here I’ve been turning on and off for years, but no one’s offering me a Turner prize for it are they?
Doctors told to cut back on curing people unnecessarily!
Savings in Government Departments have already begun with news that doctors’ shouldn’t try to cure people unnecessarily. “A strong National Health Service needs a strong economy, and until we have one you can’t have both!” David Cameron said as he queued in the limos outside number ten waiting to drop off the hard working families that didn’t get elected.
Unions told Unanimity needed if they must not do as they’re told!
Strikers who wish to take industrial action will have to all agree with everyone else first in a move that may revolutionise voting after no one seems happy with the results so far.
Barbershop opens in London’s Millionaire district as Non-Dom home owner struggles with bedroom (blue) Plaque.
A Swiss woman who is so rich she wants to knock her house down so she can live in London, has told her neighbours to get a haircut as she decorates her London home in traditional salon livery.
Liberals Lost Trust as well as seats says poll Party doesn’t believe!
Nick Clegg woke to the news that everyone was no longer there on the morning after the election as he attempted to justify 5 years of trying to be nice to people he didn’t agree with in the first place. “The coalition was a great success!” Clegg insisted, although it has gone the way of the Dodo. Meanwhile his colleagues reflected on their defeat by standing on the a stairway down to the underground, saying now they know what it’s like to have ideas above their station.
Counter Terror Bill formed to stop Over the Counter Sales of Narratives says Extreme Sports Bookseller!
Counter narratives will be introduced by the incoming government once they decide which election pledge to reneg on first. “We want to stop people thinking dangerous thoughts before they happen.” Said Olivia Leftwind, the cross dressing behind the scenes cut out character from Tory days of old. Introducing snooping and police brutality on a scale not seen since the Irish Troubles, the new government intends to drive a horse and shit-shovel through the gates of Human Rights at the first kettling opportunity.
Mass protest in Cabinet as blue collar blue suit sit-in continues after MP’s stand for election too long!
Cabinet Members were out in force today as they sat down together for long enough to look too busy to just sit there not doing anything. Having formed the first photo op for the newly formed government, they were dismissed to go forth and prosper for a second term, seeking cuts where others only saw scraping by, and savings where others only saw food banks.
Prince Harry Wary of Getting Married bored reporters find!
Meanwhile to stop everyone thinking the government had it all it’s own way in the media, one or two newspapers decided to pick on the one red headed royal who hasn’t got himself shackled to a aristocrat-ress of some sort. Speculating that one of the richest playboys in the country must be pining, gagging for it, lonely as a widow and such like, the media has decided it won’t leave him alone until he finds something useful to do with himself and his redundant genetic hardware.
always
I awoke as if from a drea… WTF!
One Nation Gory Tory Story Glory!
Like Rumplestiltskin I awoke from a dream into a nightmare! What calamity is this! What has befallen this once great nation? Who is that smug posh git standing on the wreckage of society? Oh, it’s him, the same jammy dodger who schmoozed his way into number 10 five years ago the way a shark schmoozes it’s way into a paddling pool.
Ian Duncan Smith – the quietest sadist since Colonel Gaddafi left the world with a reminder up his … – is now entrusted with amputating the caring society from the Raft of Medusa before throwing it’s withered stump into the above mentioned kiddie’s pool. (not a prospect that anyone who’s ever been a Lifeguard or had to clean out a public baths would want to contemplate).
While the 3 or 4 divided nations settled into a night of predictable outcomes, they woke to see their tattered ensign shimmying down the greasy pole, scuttling toward the nearest tailors, and flogging the ragged remains of the family silver down the river. A murky Thames, clogged with silt from years of paddling it’s slave ship treasures to the outsourced kingdom on Nondomica.
Meanwhile somewhere in France:
Le Pen mightier than Le Merde as Father causes shit storm for FN’ing daughter!
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politoons 