Latest Updates from your election news condensationizer!

British Negotiating Team Prepares…

End of May predicted in June pundits say!

May-bot makes first appearance

Suicide Note found in Tory Battlebus! and more Election News

Suicide Note found in Tory Battlebus!


An extensive search for someone from the government to interview after the launch of the conservative Election Manifesto has unveiled a note pinned to the hopes of Trace May’s vision for a whiter future. In it loyal party supporters have been lumped in with the feckless miscreants who litter the country with their unwanted souls like leeches preying on the stick legs of the ageing land owning class. “Join me” said May yesterday in an old mill surrounded by old men who appeared to have been spray bombed with grey blue war paint before entering the well guarded hall.

“OMG – Jeremy Corbyn had a mother!” Tory leak latest shock to national well being


The not yet dead well read leader of the BeLaboured Party has been revealed to be an actual son of someone, as evidence of his having inherited things from his mother when she passed away circulate endlessly in Government echo chamber circles like the BBC. As investigative reporters played bridge with bored well off elderly people who look about my age, their overdubbed narrative tugged at the heartstrings as loyal Tory voters blamed the poor for being poor and patted themselves on the back for still being able to remember the day they first voted for Margaret Thatcher.

Tory Poll slippage seen as good news for reluctant PM!

MacD cartoon in indian ink style, ebook coming soon in 2013
Having realised the galactic dimensions of the sh*t storm approaching Britain, the woman who only wants what’s best for the people who are against globalisation and for world trade may be having second thoughts about the bollocks of a mess created during the last 7 years of not reducing the deficit, net immigration or unsqueezing the middle while having promised to do so that she is now responsible for as she transforms her party into a UKIP government. After a quiet word with her husband on the One Show watched by millions, Trace and her bin man are hoping to have more time to themselves once theyy lose the election so someone more qualified can get on with running the country.

That’s it for now, more Politoons news as it breaks over our heads like an unexpected hail storm.

Hey! What about this guy?

no point, he’s already toast. (ed)

Register to Vote for your TV License!

 

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British Electoral Roll to be based on Television License Fee payments!

BBC Impartiality Tzar Liar Kunstburger made the announcement today from inside the frame of a camera shot depicting the desolate northern seaside towns that were once thriving peasant villages in the feudal days before Thatcherism and her Industrial revolution that changed the face of a nation from smiley to frowny in less that a generation.
Kunstburger says “If we use the latest viewing figures instead of asking people to register to vote, we’ll get more informed audiences in the ballot box!” When asked about top ten topic ‘immigration’ LK told the questioner that television was a natural filtering device for controlling the vast number of people who want to come to this country to watch television. “What could be simpler than demanding everyone signs up and registers before watching television or listening to the radio?”
She went on to add “Its gonna be great!” before giving the thumbs up and jetting off to deliver a package to News at Ten.

 

Latest polling data shows polls would win if enough polls register to vote!

Latest polling data shows polls would win if enough polls register to vote!

Pollsters are generating newsfeeds suggesting that the polls could win a landslide in the coming general election wiping out mainstream parties in a bonfire of the infernos not seen since the idea of asking people what they think  about things was first recorded.  History shows that predicting how things will go before they have come and gone is an exciting area for unpaid interns and data collection experts in general who are prepared to keep annoying people until they submit to questioning.

Computer crash alert as Microsoft tells everyone to buy the latest version of its Faulty operating system

Software giant’s clients in hacking sh*t storm as Bill -Ransom-Gate faces down anonymous cyber-bots!

Philanthropic philanderer Big Bill Gates says he is ready for a showdown with unknown Dark Net users after North Korea threatens to launch missile strike on Ransom Net HQ somewhere in a wi fi hotspot near you.

more news to be made up shortly…

Politoons February 2017 – The ‘Enough is Never Enough’ Issue

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Last Sane Person Asked to Leave the White House!

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In keeping with redefining journalists bent on seeking the truth as the new ‘enemies of the people’, newspeaking spokespeople for the Alt-Right House have rescinded the bus passes of older media organizations in favo(u)r of yo(u)ng upstart power ‘ho’s’ willing to promote the billionaire tax evading television reality star’s next series of re-truthings – a series of daily soap script pitches now being analysed by the Tea Party Senate for adherence to ‘truth, justice and the American way’. Once approved the highly detailed story lines will be used to construct a fly on the wall documentary about the Orange One’s first 100 days in office spent siphoning government funds into his various offshore franchises and business interests while deregulating Wall Street.

Britain finally figures out what Brexit means all by itself!

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People all over the country watched two political election spin off dramas this week as UKIP un-picked itself from ever being elected to national office, the Labo(u)r party performed an emergency cesarean on itself and induced a panicky emergence of doubt amongst those who thought social justice meant agreeing with right wing Tories about leaving URUP while trying to make clear they intend doing so for very different reasons. The tactic has paid off according to recent reality opinion polls – formerly known as ‘by-elections’. “We knew thinking the same thing as the government but for different reasons would pay off eventually!” Said the Labo(u)r Monarch. “See how the people have decided things for the same reason by voting for them instead of us.” The Labo(u)ring Labo(u)r leader waved goodbye from his socialist state allotment, pointing to the the spade he had taken out of the shed to continue to ‘dig for Britain’ as the hole increased in size around him.

Brexperts predict Brexit soon to Brexist as the only BreSingularity!

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“Brexit means we will do little else but talk about Europe even though the majority of the country thought they had voted by a huge majority for us to shut up about it!” The Prime Minister explained from her new bastion of Copeland where the last 80 years of political history vanished into the past – just like all the others. “Now we don’t have to focus on the failing NHS, slipping School Standards, Poverty, Disability Rights and all the other negative stories the Fake News Press *(*see Last Sane Person to Leave White House story above) have been touting to anyone old enough to buy a newspaper!” She said to rapturous applause before returning to her armoured car. “Let us now focus our attention and pool our resources around our overriding prejudices against anyone from neighbouring countries, near or far…” She said, sucking in her breath and pointing at her Just About Coping Squeezed Middle before muttering  “…which may soon include Scotland…” As she returning to London to cat sit for the House of Lords while it tried to make sense of how the political landscape had changed.

EXUKIP Leader insists leaving Europe will trigger mass immigration into the UK!

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Meanwhile in the UKIP heartland of a motorway services, former leader of the free world Nige Farago made his pledge to the people of Britain to remove windmills from the countryside and make Britain Great again. Although not leader of anything now, the non-leader insists that the party he doesn’t lead anymore will – if elected –  build a wall to stop anyone leaving because triggering article 50 and the process of leaving Europe -which he had always desired – will mean an increase in immigration into the UK which he has always been against.  “Let me leave you with this final question” said the non-politician as he got in his car “How far up the road do I have to go before I can turn around and travel back down the way I really want to go?”

that’s it for this week’s news

but that’s not all – by any means necessarily!
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“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.
 
Merch!
Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!
Politoons T-shirts, cups, tea towels, cards and other fascinatingly prescient merchandise is available from Politoons.co.uk, send us a comment or email ‘info at politoons.co.uk’ and we’ll send you the vital statistics – ed.

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Last Laugh Reported Today!

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POlitOons The First Issue-Elect of 2017

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Continental Driftz A new experimental poetry podcast on the theme of Europe featuring MacD MCMC Spoken, Will Salter, and Drewzy and the Robot. mac-dunlop-photo
Check out more audio satire at politoon’s own podcasting portal

Now you may begin…

News Flash! Official Reprieve From Barrack the Merciful:

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Chelsey Manning,  granddaughter of long buried stand up guy Bernard, was once a Premier League football team before becoming the beneficiary of Pre-Trump President B.Omb-ama’s merciful beneficence. With a reprieve set to mark the anniversary of the release of ‘Please Release Me’ by the previously unreleased Gang of Four, Bernard Manning’s granddaughter will no longer live in isolation from the rest of the world for the crime of wanting to share.

 

Brexperts prepare for Crash Test Dummy survival outside Europe!
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Teresay May or may not have decided on what Brexit means, but this week has told the world what she can about the ‘Brrrr’ in Brrrexit. Using notes scribbled hastily on the scalps of her Three Brexiteers (One’s for Out and Out’s for One!) Tee’s Maid-en speech embarked into the unknown without fear, prejudice or knowledge to hinder her negotiating team’s rodeo ride into the unregulated world economy. Boris ‘I-coulda-bin-a-contender’ Johannson, explorer of vast quantities of empty space in search of power, has paid off civil servants whose advice he considers to be below common EU standards. His ministerialship has sent them packing and into retirement secured with hush money clauses and no guaranteed right of entry back into anything except a soon to be cancelled local bus service if they show their senior (nonEU) citizen’s card.

Artistic innovative collaboration seen as dramatic re-invention of contemporary Archeological sites!

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Dateline Alleppo: The east of the city has been metaphorically reunited with it’s Abyssyrian ancestral burial grounds thanks to the new sculptural installation work of phycho-demented co-blabative artists Assid and Pubeskin. The collaborating state artists have created a mock up of the early millenial carpet bombed city of Grozny from the distant past of the early naughties, and transferred an exact replica to this modern Syrian city.

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“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.

 

Merch!

Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!

Politoons T-shirts, cups, tea towels, cards  and other fascinatingly prescient merchandise is available from Politoons.co.uk, send us a comment or email ‘info at politoons.co.uk’ and we’ll send you the vital statistics – ed.
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president defect calls for nation to come together

 

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Do you think I’m Brexie?

No MARMAYBE for British consumers
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(with thanks to annie)

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pOlitOons flashback

politoons-uk-flag-macdAs the scatalogically challenged lump collides with the swirling air propeller, perhaps it is time to take stock of things that have led to this, our joyous interlude of incomprehension.

george osborne and the uk budget by macd

poverty being a state of mind by macd

©m.dunlop2011

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The “Britain Rues, OK!” issue

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IDS-lies-nhs-macd-smSLEEP BEFORE YOU GO GO!

Now we can all sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that a bunch of people with no idea of what to do next are running the country. But when was it any different? The government has decided to consume itself with infighting and hatred, and – not out manoeuvred – so has the opposition.

ROAD MAP FOR BREXIT!

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All roads in England now lead to the emergency Brexit – it’s just there through the unlit stairwell beneath the houses of parliament where Guy Fawkes once left enough barrels of gunpowder to blow the pips off the news bulletin at the top of the hour. If you find your way through that and the raw sewage pipes we had to clean up because of EU regulations (bah boo hiss! how dare they say how to clean a beach! What next? Climate Change? Nigel! Go get ’em boy! Kill Kill Kill! Grrr….) Eventually you’ll find yourself in the channel tunnel.  At least we’ll get our Calais  Jungle back “It’s coming home, they’re coming home The jungle’s coming home!” to Dover where it belongs along with all the struggling migrants trying to get into Britain. So, job done! All we have to do now is accept the will of a toussel haired nutcase who jumps on any passing bandwagon – or is that the United States? Whatever! Too much thinking causes cancer so less is more as far as breaking out the oars and rowing ourselves out into the mid Atlantic while the sharks circle to peck at the dangly bits slowing numbing in the reversing Gulf Stream goes.

THE PLAN… WHO’S GOT THE PLAN?

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Perfect! So, plan of action time is over, we can all start to properly panic without politicians getting in the way with their wars of words or attempts at squeezing actual facts through the multi-headed multi-national multi-muck chucking meat mangle we call impartial media.
Thanks to them we can now sit back and watch as  Nigel Fexage and Ian Duncan Death Wish generate a double headed shit storm faster than the internet’s best cloud seeding chem trail conspiracy theory can spread search terms.

BRITON’S MINUS HOUR!

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This is Britain’s finest hour, or minute maybe, or maybe just second. Enough time to rewind the old super 8’s of the sixties and marvel at how the Beatles  morphed from mop tops to acid heads in the blink of a historical eye. “Never mind the bloody music,” say the experts, t’was the celebrity culture what done it!

So wrap yourself in that flag once reserved for groups with racist overtones, and feel the stingy pride of post colonialism. We’re all peasant farmers now, vassals to the crown and her cronies who need somewhere to park their super yachts for the Queen’s birthday celebrations before chugging off into international waters to avoid paying taxes while burning through 600 litres of high Sulphur crude – just far enough away to call themselves offshore to use incoming rubber dingies overloaded with nationless poor people for target practice – while some un-resigned flunkie tries to turn round the supertanker.

LEADER’S BREXIT PROMISE FULLFILLED!

lastly, thank you David for dragging the nation into a puddle before letting your mates whack it with cricket bats until it lies bloody and swollen as a trapped Koi Carp gasping for air while the gulls glide excitedly down from overhead.pm-resigns-ref-macd-sm
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the Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum (B.U.G.G.E.R) part II

politoons-new-logo1-940-198-pink-72Will the last Briton to leave the EU please brick up the tunnel?

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Of course it is very easy to trivialize the IN/OUT debate, to think of it as a form of navel gazing – which in some insey/outsey circles it used to be – but this decision does affect our lives, and our televising of sporting events. For example, the IN/OUT debate as it applies to the NHS:

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The fact is, the outcome of this referendum won’t affect people my age nearly as much as it will the coming generations, but they have been well equipped by the Academization revolution that has dispensed with the arts to make more room for managers and assessment gurus. The new education system has streamlined the function of learning into it’s basic components.

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A lot of people are concerned about how leaving Europe will affect them financially and how to manage their gold plated savings and bonus culture profit making…

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But what gets most people is the Brussels double speak! The endless resources spent on whether to call a Pastie a Pastie, or whether Cream Teas come from Devon or Cornwall. ‘Tis health and safety gone mad! (shriek, tear hair out, shake fist behind windscreen in fit of rage, etc)

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Of course for most people the biggest issue is security. Remember Charlie Hebdo? Sensible Brexiteers think we’re better off leaving the French to die on their own streets, to just walk on by, observe from a distance, stick two fingers in our ears and sing lah lah la lah lah la lah lah…! until they let us win at something.

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“But” they say, what about our rights at work? Well lets face it the UK has been flouting EU work regulation for the last two successive governments, and seems to have an opt out clause on everything from the working time directive to written contracts, so if anything leaving Europe will just make exploiting the low waged and stripping them of their dignity as we do now, just that little bit easier for Mr. Boss Man.

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In any case, the UK whether it becomes Scottish-less or not has always had in place some influential people behind the scenes ready to step in and take charge if a Brexit ends up going peer shaped…
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So stiff upper lip and all that,
here’s to whatever happens next!

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thanks for taking part in The Politoons
Brexiteer’s Unfocus Group Guide to the Referendum
(BUGGER for short)

follow us or leave us a message or comment, we’d love to hear from you
cheers
Mac D
editor
politoons.com
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TKO is final blow to Brexit Poll Road Show!

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for more info see Politoons Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum
do follow, share, link and tweet us (and BTW yes, he was great) thanks for dropping in
Politoons

Politoons Brexiteer’s Unfocus Group Guide to the Referendum (B.U.G.G.E.R.) pt I

A Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum
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Free your Mind, unfocus your group and lets break down the break down in communication that is descending into farce and makes the monster raving looney party look like they actually have a coherent policy for governing Britain.

Firstly, our great leader – no not him, the other one, the one the Queen likes – has been in the hot seat, squirming under fire on Sky ( a bastion of sticky pudding quagmire for the less than right minded). Not for the first time David has been forced out of his chauffeur driven comfort zone when coming fact to face with the voting public, or as he learnt to refer to them at Eton “OIKS!”

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Of course, it is a different story when David operates on the international scene. For example when he forces his way into the open doors of Brussels to fight for a stronger deal for Britain in Europe, he is more likely to be received as an elder(ly) statesman, amongst peers.

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*Verpiss Dich, roughly translates as “EFFF OFF!”

There are many issues to discuss at these meetings, its not all about Britain (sadly as most Brexiteers think, Britain is often ignored in Brussels apart from when it isnt) Different countries have pressing issues of their own which for some reason they think are important too.  Migration for example. Different countries tackle this crisis in different ways. Denmark for instance has instigated an entry fee, similar to amusement parks, cinemas, and some public lavatories. Asking people who have sacrificed everything to sacrifice a little more to prove their patriotism to a nation they want to get into just long enough to be able to then move on somewhere else.

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So let’s not forget what we’ve learnt from being Europeans in the past – not just sanitation, human rights and the renaissance, but culturally too, Talent contests for instance, things we have adapted and made our own.

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We may be as likely to win the Eurovision Song Contest as Elvis is to show up on a fast food stall in Bolivia selling guinea pig fritters, but Britain punches above it’s weight when it comes to the Eurorevisionist History Contest. The recent London finals ended in a dead heat between two of the capital’s most vociferous rivals.

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As far as Brexiteering closer to home goes,  a lot of people think that Scotland might have another referendum on an UKxit if the Brexit goes ahead. This has unsettled a lot of would be highland settlers but has not gone unforeseen by the Brexit Nudist Camp.  Michael Gove, rumoured to have descended from the dead – some of whom were once Scottish Scottish has the perfect solution to placate all those who might miss the kilts, bagpipes, iron brew and scotch bonnets should the Highlanders Sling their hook. Gove’s vision is to replace Scotland with another nation like Turkey, and solve the west Lothian Question forever by simply not having a place called that anymore.

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In fact the Leave Movement’s League of the Unwelcome – of which Michael is Chairwarmer – speaks a language that speaks to the silent majority who don’t like to speak themselves in modern Brexitland. With an uncanny ability to convince the public that when they see anyone speaking to voters that person must be a lizard that talks absolute rubbish, or as the twitter sphere has come to call it, #Nige-a-bollox
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What’s significant here is that we as a nation of people who complain about things all the time, like the weather for instance (hasn’t it been dreadful? Tsk, and the summer isn’t looking too clever either…) are finally talking about what it means to be British and European all at once,  with an actual tunnel that connects us to the continent like an umbilical cord! #Amazing!
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The important thing is that we can trust our “elected” leaders to make important decisions about the future of the country and give us the facts, straight up…

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So the future has never looked brighter!

(BTW Will the last Briton to leave the EU brick up the tunnel behind them?)

that’s the end of part 1, but tune in on Monday, June 6th for part two in POlitOons Serial Referendum BUGGER Special!

 

follow us or leave us a message or comment, we’d love to hear from you
cheers
Mac D
editor
http://www.politoons.com

Eurorevision results now in

With the help of Mein Camp and several other plot thickening conspi-racists the latest contradictory polls have been un-sampled and Politoons is proud to be the first to reveal that the head to head between old London Mayors has been judged a split decision everywhere (apart from The Ukraine which has held its own separate but equal contest in the autonomous region of Putinsia) eurorevision-ken and boris battle it out over hitler claims -macd

Politoons will keep you consumed with twit feeds and hash blag postings on an incontinent basis as the newsfeeds stumble in from the pub.

(can we get done for this? – ed)

 

find out more by following Politoons (except into the lavatory of course, where we require time to ourselves)

Senior Military Figures Fall Out over Front Line Services!

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check out more politoon frontline action herepoli-card-humor-am-macdsm

Cam Damns Euro Referendum Plans! and more…

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check out more POlitoons herecropped-politoons-new-logo1-940-198.jpg

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Exclusive: The world is filling up with dead people!

how the dead look to us after a while

Recent radio documentaries have revealed secret plans for there to be more dead people in the near future!

Our politoons reporter invetstigates:

More death than sex in the near future

some dead flowers recently

 
link also below:

Black Star’s Death Star Encore!

Thousands mourn because it seems like the right thing to do!

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More deaths of well known figures than normal for this time of year piles the pressure on tv’s talking heads to remember where they were when they dressed up and got drunk a bit.musicians1-macd-sm

Members of the newly formed Grief Police – a subsidiary of INterPol dedicated to questioning emotional states in online communities –  have been un-friended in their thousands over the past week as millions worry that their sole and very private but very real although largely unrecognized relationship with variously deceased public figures are not being taken seriously enough by suspected GP social media account holders.

Social Media Spikes over Dead David Likes!

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Facecrook and Twitzer have been deluged with requests from their customer/client/content producer communities to block previous friends who critique their claim to being the most important anonymous figure behind the career of recently expired pop artists and actors.zuckerberg-macd-18.5.12-web

Threatening anyone who says ‘C’mon, we’re all dying, it’s just some die faster than others, so let’s get over it’ with the kind of fate that awaits convicted animal abusers released into the wild, social mediators are patrolling websites and news feed 24/7 in an attempt to identify and name people who are not taking the recent deaths of songwriters and actors seriously.

Self Censors are the new Self Expressionists say Self Experts!

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‘In a world of social conformity, dying is the new parameter of freedom of expression,’ says Pirate.com dark net blogger Seigfried Chichnwingz. Recent studies indicate that (s)elf-censorship now accounts for the majority of actual censorship inside the internet, and this new self regulatory conformity is being applauded by government agencies struggling to find legal methods of containing non-socially mediated behaviour and freedom of expression.

Media corporations welcome the new self censoring social parameters and are preparing to take their findings to places like North Korea, where they hope to win licenses enabling them to drive new user traffic through pay per click pop ups and favoured advertising bannerisms.  ‘Places where existing censorship once meant we had no chance of making money without losing credibility internationally are now like totally up for this self moderating social media model!’ Said a social media guru putting a blue plaque on the entrance to their estate yesterday. ‘And anyone who doesn’t like it gets banned – unless they’re really famous in which case we’ll sit back and take a slice of their million-hits-a-minute pie!’

Celebrity Death to be Expanded New Study Says!

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Picking up on the theme of cherished celebrity deaths, media networks are prowling their back catalogues in the hope of finding more previously contracted artists who had drug/alcohol/or other abuse problems before they become dead. There is a new completely statistically led scheme to rehabilitate forgotten D-listers into the next generation of dead stars that people reminisce about fondly. The BBC has sent researchers into its 50 year old productions such as The Black and White Minstrel show, On the Buses, and other reactionary, racist and aging empire based cultural artifacts to find personalities long forgotten since who could be the next sensational demise to hit the online community.

Rumours persist that the BBC intends to kill off one of its most endeared Eastbenders characters ‘Peggy’ because her expected real life death hasn’t happened quickly enough to capitalize on the outpouring of grief expected when she dies. In response to news of her scheduled death, the famous character Estrogenagon from ‘WTF Godo – look at the time!’ was asked to reminisce about the Carry On actress’s  career: ‘Every character has their day – but did you really watch all of Carry On Camping, or just the bit with her catapulting bra?’

Ashes to Ashes…

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Having forgotten about the middle east, oil prices, the NHS, schools and my mother’s birthday the editors of POlitoons wish to express their mourning at the passing of Emery Papers, the unknown make up artist who accidentally tripped while working on David Bowie’s face and ended up creating a trademark multi-coloured z across his eyes that has become eternally synonymous with the man who wrote ‘Please Mr. Gravedigger’. RIP Star(m)fan

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