Existential Threats Expanded Exponentially Exponents Claim!
New research by the government that thinks it can do whatever it likes having survived 5 years of coaliting with the enemy shows that discussing real things by attaching the prefix ‘existential’ to the subject confuses the inattentive public. Previously democratic voters are unsure as to whether their own government – and by implication everyone else they chat with in the pub – are talking about real reality or just a series of existential or fantastically imagined things.
Existential Finances Explained:
The Chancellor of the Axechecker and the Wank of England are both in difficulty as it emerges that there are not enough poor people to blame for the financial crisis that they have been voted into office in order to solve on the last two occassions. Ministers have come to realise that in the confusion over collective short term memory loss (The Current British Prime Minister being an exact warrior clone of the last one, for instance) makes governing the system that makes subsidising rich people look like fixing the roof when the sun shines a lot easier.
Existential Sporting Activities:
The government’s genocidal nature toward anyone with sympathy for others is seeping into the foreground of death cult politics. So called “friendlies” for instance have recently evolved from previously highly competitive international football matches into highly lucrative arena spectacles where supporters from each nation’s side sing each other’s songs and wave each other’s flags while the players on the pitch kick each others balls and even score each others goals.
How Existential Democracy works for you:
PR gurus fed by rich individual donors to government think tank programs have turned to philosophical components of how we view reality in order to underfund the people’s broadcasting network while seeking new media markets in propagandist bolt holes previously the preserve of dictators, oil rich monarchies and dictators.
Other examples of existential events*:
existential terrorist threats
existential economic crisis
existential refugee crisis
*commonly these existentialities are bundled together into
the more general ‘existential threat to our way of life’
“Existentialism is essentially existence multiplied quantitatively by a sense of essentiallism”. Said one young government intern keen to be quoted, having just left Eton with a Bullington Club coupon entitling them to a free Latte with entry to any secret initiation ceremony of their choosing.
National Nonsense Service Expanded in Sickness and in Health!
Meanwhile the National Health Service has been re-branded as the “No Hope Sunshine” corporation. The new NHS recently ordered a million doses of Viagra and 3 million botox injections to be stored for distribution should a future crisis mean that the multinational makers of both products are forced to leave their off shore tax haven – a place commonly referred to as “The Republic of Ireland”.
Labour Leader Fast Tracked instead of Back Tracked Claim Backbench Syrian Rebels!
Jeremy Corbyn the latest in a long line of distinguished Labour leaders has come under fire for saying exactly the same thing that he said when elected to the party leadership a month ago. Pundits blame his poll rating slide on the fact that he hasn’t changed his mind or caved in on anything as was expected once he got elected and could then be told what to do. People who lost thatelection along with the last two major national ones that will keep the Labourious party out of government for at least a decade are up in muted arms about the new leader’s lack of backtracking.
“Of course we should listen to those who lose!” said a labour leader loser who did not wish to be named. “What’s more if we are going to be an effective opposition, we need to have policies that are nearly the same as the government in power, or let’s face it, we’ll never get elected like they do!”
Turkey Shoot Over Own Territory Causes Desert Sh*t Storm!
Turkey shot down a Russian Plane with it’s own American jets for bombing in Syrian territory that looked like part of Turkey from very high up, where the jets were apparently flying at the time. The Russian pilots ejected from the whatsit and everyone is blaming each other because this looks like the start of WW3, and nobody wants that on their conscience, or in their autobiography for that matter.
Testosterone levels have reportedly rocketed as the international war on drugs agency estimates that there is massive drug cheating amongst remote battlefield combatants on a seemingly military industrial complex scale!
Ever since the war on drugs found out about poppy fields in Afghanistan and Cocoa plantations in the America of the South, antidisestablishmentarianists have been fuming over who’s bogarting the joint as it goes round the veto-ists of the UN Security Council. Having decided that flying planes into each other’s territory is the only way to keep the media storm over where to have a war next on the front pages of screen based apps and twitter feeds, poll manipulators have suggested that the government get with the social media program and start it’s own propaganda campaigns. (f.f.i check out: #bombeffingeveryfing!, #noIneverUdid2, and #isitabirdisitaplaneisitisis?
Head of International Anti Doping Drugs Agency held on suspicion of acting like Head of World Football Agency!
Now that the international football federation has decided its top team of world cup negotiators don’t collect enough bribes to earn their keep, Seb Coe chair of the world Anti Doping Agency has been surrounded by controversy over his own bribes made as a wedding gift for his corporate sponsors at Nike. Nike’s hometown has been reshaped into a trademark tic as it competed against itself to host the next world athletics championship and has even begun work on the new anti doping emporium sponsored by Fyzwhore, the largest international manufacturers of happy pills. Depression and not enough access to sports on screen are thought to be linked by advertisers intent on shoring up the eroding landscape of Mad Men era fashion statements and people who like tattoos.
Doyen of Daesh says “A rose by any other name would still be an A-hole!”
Having holed up in Gay Pariee for a few days of malevolence, the latest fascist guru’s of gun porn held a press conference while being surrounded by paramilitary police in two of Europe’s most famous capitals.
Speaking through an atheist interpreter the drugged up nihilists promoted their vision for apocalypse and the final battle to be waged in the Middling Ease between Pepsi and Coca Cola. The explosive wearing fascistionados apologised for the effect their actions may have on the live music scene – already threatened by itunes and third party piracy giants – before racing against time to blow themselves up before being blown up by forces amassed beyond their control.
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