Now we can all sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that a bunch of people with no idea of what to do next are running the country. But when was it any different? The government has decided to consume itself with infighting and hatred, and – not out manoeuvred – so has the opposition.
ROAD MAP FOR BREXIT!
All roads in England now lead to the emergency Brexit – it’s just there through the unlit stairwell beneath the houses of parliament where Guy Fawkes once left enough barrels of gunpowder to blow the pips off the news bulletin at the top of the hour. If you find your way through that and the raw sewage pipes we had to clean up because of EU regulations (bah boo hiss! how dare they say how to clean a beach! What next? Climate Change? Nigel! Go get ’em boy! Kill Kill Kill! Grrr….) Eventually you’ll find yourself in the channel tunnel. At least we’ll get our Calais Jungle back “It’s coming home, they’re coming home The jungle’s coming home!” to Dover where it belongs along with all the struggling migrants trying to get into Britain. So, job done! All we have to do now is accept the will of a toussel haired nutcase who jumps on any passing bandwagon – or is that the United States? Whatever! Too much thinking causes cancer so less is more as far as breaking out the oars and rowing ourselves out into the mid Atlantic while the sharks circle to peck at the dangly bits slowing numbing in the reversing Gulf Stream goes.
THE PLAN… WHO’S GOT THE PLAN?
Perfect! So, plan of action time is over, we can all start to properly panic without politicians getting in the way with their wars of words or attempts at squeezing actual facts through the multi-headed multi-national multi-muck chucking meat mangle we call impartial media.
Thanks to them we can now sit back and watch as Nigel Fexage and Ian Duncan Death Wish generate a double headed shit storm faster than the internet’s best cloud seeding chem trail conspiracy theory can spread search terms.
BRITON’S MINUS HOUR!
This is Britain’s finest hour, or minute maybe, or maybe just second. Enough time to rewind the old super 8’s of the sixties and marvel at how the Beatles morphed from mop tops to acid heads in the blink of a historical eye. “Never mind the bloody music,” say the experts, t’was the celebrity culture what done it!
So wrap yourself in that flag once reserved for groups with racist overtones, and feel the stingy pride of post colonialism. We’re all peasant farmers now, vassals to the crown and her cronies who need somewhere to park their super yachts for the Queen’s birthday celebrations before chugging off into international waters to avoid paying taxes while burning through 600 litres of high Sulphur crude – just far enough away to call themselves offshore to use incoming rubber dingies overloaded with nationless poor people for target practice – while some un-resigned flunkie tries to turn round the supertanker.
LEADER’S BREXIT PROMISE FULLFILLED!
lastly, thank you David for dragging the nation into a puddle before letting your mates whack it with cricket bats until it lies bloody and swollen as a trapped Koi Carp gasping for air while the gulls glide excitedly down from overhead.
Of course it is very easy to trivialize the IN/OUT debate, to think of it as a form of navel gazing – which in some insey/outsey circles it used to be – but this decision does affect our lives, and our televising of sporting events. For example, the IN/OUT debate as it applies to the NHS:
The fact is, the outcome of this referendum won’t affect people my age nearly as much as it will the coming generations, but they have been well equipped by the Academization revolution that has dispensed with the arts to make more room for managers and assessment gurus. The new education system has streamlined the function of learning into it’s basic components.
A lot of people are concerned about how leaving Europe will affect them financially and how to manage their gold plated savings and bonus culture profit making…
But what gets most people is the Brussels double speak! The endless resources spent on whether to call a Pastie a Pastie, or whether Cream Teas come from Devon or Cornwall. ‘Tis health and safety gone mad! (shriek, tear hair out, shake fist behind windscreen in fit of rage, etc)
Of course for most people the biggest issue is security. Remember Charlie Hebdo? Sensible Brexiteers think we’re better off leaving the French to die on their own streets, to just walk on by, observe from a distance, stick two fingers in our ears and sing lah lah la lah lah la lah lah…! until they let us win at something.
“But” they say, what about our rights at work? Well lets face it the UK has been flouting EU work regulation for the last two successive governments, and seems to have an opt out clause on everything from the working time directive to written contracts, so if anything leaving Europe will just make exploiting the low waged and stripping them of their dignity as we do now, just that little bit easier for Mr. Boss Man.
In any case, the UK whether it becomes Scottish-less or not has always had in place some influential people behind the scenes ready to step in and take charge if a Brexit ends up going peer shaped…
So stiff upper lip and all that,
here’s to whatever happens next!
thanks for taking part in The Politoons
Brexiteer’s Unfocus Group Guide to the Referendum
(BUGGER for short)
for more info see Politoons Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum
do follow, share, link and tweet us (and BTW yes, he was great) thanks for dropping in
Free your Mind, unfocus your group and lets break down the break down in communication that is descending into farce and makes the monster raving looney party look like they actually have a coherent policy for governing Britain.
Firstly, our great leader – no not him, the other one, the one the Queen likes – has been in the hot seat, squirming under fire on Sky ( a bastion of sticky pudding quagmire for the less than right minded). Not for the first time David has been forced out of his chauffeur driven comfort zone when coming fact to face with the voting public, or as he learnt to refer to them at Eton “OIKS!”
Of course, it is a different story when David operates on the international scene. For example when he forces his way into the open doors of Brussels to fight for a stronger deal for Britain in Europe, he is more likely to be received as an elder(ly) statesman, amongst peers.
There are many issues to discuss at these meetings, its not all about Britain (sadly as most Brexiteers think, Britain is often ignored in Brussels apart from when it isnt) Different countries have pressing issues of their own which for some reason they think are important too. Migration for example. Different countries tackle this crisis in different ways. Denmark for instance has instigated an entry fee, similar to amusement parks, cinemas, and some public lavatories. Asking people who have sacrificed everything to sacrifice a little more to prove their patriotism to a nation they want to get into just long enough to be able to then move on somewhere else.
So let’s not forget what we’ve learnt from being Europeans in the past – not just sanitation, human rights and the renaissance, but culturally too, Talent contests for instance, things we have adapted and made our own.
We may be as likely to win the Eurovision Song Contest as Elvis is to show up on a fast food stall in Bolivia selling guinea pig fritters, but Britain punches above it’s weight when it comes to the Eurorevisionist History Contest. The recent London finals ended in a dead heat between two of the capital’s most vociferous rivals.
As far as Brexiteering closer to home goes, a lot of people think that Scotland might have another referendum on an UKxit if the Brexit goes ahead. This has unsettled a lot of would be highland settlers but has not gone unforeseen by the Brexit Nudist Camp. Michael Gove, rumoured to have descended from the dead – some of whom were once Scottish Scottish has the perfect solution to placate all those who might miss the kilts, bagpipes, iron brew and scotch bonnets should the Highlanders Sling their hook. Gove’s vision is to replace Scotland with another nation like Turkey, and solve the west Lothian Question forever by simply not having a place called that anymore.
In fact the Leave Movement’s League of the Unwelcome – of which Michael is Chairwarmer – speaks a language that speaks to the silent majority who don’t like to speak themselves in modern Brexitland. With an uncanny ability to convince the public that when they see anyone speaking to voters that person must be a lizard that talks absolute rubbish, or as the twitter sphere has come to call it, #Nige-a-bollox
What’s significant here is that we as a nation of people who complain about things all the time, like the weather for instance (hasn’t it been dreadful? Tsk, and the summer isn’t looking too clever either…) are finally talking about what it means to be British and European all at once, with an actual tunnel that connects us to the continent like an umbilical cord! #Amazing!
The important thing is that we can trust our “elected” leaders to make important decisions about the future of the country and give us the facts, straight up…
So the future has never looked brighter!
(BTW Will the last Briton to leave the EU brick up the tunnel behind them?)
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With the help of Mein Camp and several other plot thickening conspi-racists the latest contradictory polls have been un-sampled and Politoons is proud to be the first to reveal that the head to head between old London Mayors has been judged a split decision everywhere (apart from The Ukraine which has held its own separate but equal contest in the autonomous region of Putinsia)
Politoons will keep you consumed with twit feeds and hash blag postings on an incontinent basis as the newsfeeds stumble in from the pub.
(can we get done for this? – ed)
find out more by following Politoons (except into the lavatory of course, where we require time to ourselves)
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Recent radio documentaries have revealed secret plans for there to be more dead people in the near future!
Our politoons reporter invetstigates:
link also below:
Thousands mourn because it seems like the right thing to do!
Members of the newly formed Grief Police – a subsidiary of INterPol dedicated to questioning emotional states in online communities – have been un-friended in their thousands over the past week as millions worry that their sole and very private but very real although largely unrecognized relationship with variously deceased public figures are not being taken seriously enough by suspected GP social media account holders.
Social Media Spikes over Dead David Likes!
Facecrook and Twitzer have been deluged with requests from their customer/client/content producer communities to block previous friends who critique their claim to being the most important anonymous figure behind the career of recently expired pop artists and actors.
Threatening anyone who says ‘C’mon, we’re all dying, it’s just some die faster than others, so let’s get over it’ with the kind of fate that awaits convicted animal abusers released into the wild, social mediators are patrolling websites and news feed 24/7 in an attempt to identify and name people who are not taking the recent deaths of songwriters and actors seriously.
Self Censors are the new Self Expressionists say Self Experts!
‘In a world of social conformity, dying is the new parameter of freedom of expression,’ says Pirate.com dark net blogger Seigfried Chichnwingz. Recent studies indicate that (s)elf-censorship now accounts for the majority of actual censorship inside the internet, and this new self regulatory conformity is being applauded by government agencies struggling to find legal methods of containing non-socially mediated behaviour and freedom of expression.
Media corporations welcome the new self censoring social parameters and are preparing to take their findings to places like North Korea, where they hope to win licenses enabling them to drive new user traffic through pay per click pop ups and favoured advertising bannerisms. ‘Places where existing censorship once meant we had no chance of making money without losing credibility internationally are now like totally up for this self moderating social media model!’ Said a social media guru putting a blue plaque on the entrance to their estate yesterday. ‘And anyone who doesn’t like it gets banned – unless they’re really famous in which case we’ll sit back and take a slice of their million-hits-a-minute pie!’
Celebrity Death to be Expanded New Study Says!
Picking up on the theme of cherished celebrity deaths, media networks are prowling their back catalogues in the hope of finding more previously contracted artists who had drug/alcohol/or other abuse problems before they become dead. There is a new completely statistically led scheme to rehabilitate forgotten D-listers into the next generation of dead stars that people reminisce about fondly. The BBC has sent researchers into its 50 year old productions such as The Black and White Minstrel show, On the Buses, and other reactionary, racist and aging empire based cultural artifacts to find personalities long forgotten since who could be the next sensational demise to hit the online community.
Rumours persist that the BBC intends to kill off one of its most endeared Eastbenders characters ‘Peggy’ because her expected real life death hasn’t happened quickly enough to capitalize on the outpouring of grief expected when she dies. In response to news of her scheduled death, the famous character Estrogenagon from ‘WTF Godo – look at the time!’ was asked to reminisce about the Carry On actress’s career: ‘Every character has their day – but did you really watch all of Carry On Camping, or just the bit with her catapulting bra?’
Ashes to Ashes…
Having forgotten about the middle east, oil prices, the NHS, schools and my mother’s birthday the editors of POlitoons wish to express their mourning at the passing of Emery Papers, the unknown make up artist who accidentally tripped while working on David Bowie’s face and ended up creating a trademark multi-coloured z across his eyes that has become eternally synonymous with the man who wrote ‘Please Mr. Gravedigger’. RIP Star(m)fan
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Bit of a mix up at the station so here’s the unadulterated podcast version MY DAY OFF EPISODE 11
Howdy – and don’t forget Doodey too! it’s time for the surrealistic noncommittal plagiarism of thought processes known as My Day Off to offend your ear defenses with the shock and awe of a fast as the speed of light or your service provider will allow.
Yes it’s episode 10 of the 15 minute freak show, so batten down your seat belts and clip on your hatches for the free ride of shared consciousness that will take you to 2pm GMT without batting an eyelid.
check out more info and older episodes eternally stored on the infernal web right here right now!
There will be a pOlitOOns year end review, don’t get me wrong, I’m still as jaded cynical and pessimistic as ever! But just before we go there, I’m passing on the word about some of the International political cartoonists who came up against it this year, brutally murdered, imprisoned, threatened, facing decades in jail or just being censored everyday. The artists who don’t necessarily make it on the front pages. Some – even most – of them you may not have heard of but if you want to find out more please visit the Cartoonists Rights website
We started out the year with the Charlie Hebdo massacre,but that is neither the beginning of these things nor the end. The Chilean writer Ariel Dorfman says
“Seen from the perspective of Latin America, the assault on Charlie Hebdo is both terrifying and familiar… over the last decade a slow massacre of journalists has been soiling, haunting, infecting Latin America, an almost invisible siege against press freedom. Not as dramatic or spectacular or on the fault-lines of Islam and the West as what happened with Charlie Hebdo, but nevertheless an assault that has been incessant and dreadful and methodical.” On a different note Arthur Matthews, one of the co writer of ‘Father Ted’ wrote in the Index of Censorship’s Issue “Charlie Hebdo: The Global View”. He talked about drawing cartoons for the New Musical Express in the early 1990’s: “The idea was to amuse the reader, not antagonize the object of the cartoon”.
POlitoons view is similar, caricature is about humour not antagonism. If anyhing political cartoong is often recyclable because the political world is a very repetitive place- we seldom learn from mistakes, and consequently most political cartoons don’t come with expiry dates.
It’s worth remembering that there is a serious side. Freedom of Expression takes a battering everywhere, freedoms and human rights are only real if humans can exercise them in the first place. Lots of things like laws snd rights look good on paper – just like cartoons for that matter!
Forms of censorship don’t just happen at the state level either. There is the undercurrent of trolling on the internet, for instance, there are many places and cultures where the law says one thing in words but not necessarily on the street. There is much un-coded reality to pick at. In p the end tyranny loves a good silence, it sees it as a step on the road to success.
The wire-men broke his hands
and in the years before he drew again,
his healed bones imagined once invisible
guns and time in sections
behind the captor’s masks
discarded on the road to Damascus
Along the humming wire
justified text and censored illuminations
hid those men reflecting everyday on screens
angled light and shade contrasting the far away hours
The rolling pen moves on and smoothly traces
the sweetness of drying ink and drier tears
hardening hands to their task like tempered steel
the itch, the scratch, the page, the unbroken art
ho ho ho!
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Hex Factor judge Simon Callow stood before a crowd of actors in the fly on the wall documentary of his reality television soap opera and watched them drop their wireless microphones in unison last night. The latest person to sound like all the other persons that have the hex factor nearly cried again ( subject to contract) when famous Judge person Mr. Simon said she reminded him of someone who previously had reminded him of someone before. The final finalist hid her eyes as she tried to think of the worst thing that had ever happened in a failed attempt to cry to camera. Failing that, she went on to wonder who they heck he meant? And no, it wasn’t the Susan woman famous for singing old music hall favorites who combines a unique shortness of breath with a similar stature.
enjoy your politoon moment until the next time.
x factor (ed) Continue reading
A satirist think tank claimed that denying Donald J. Trump media space was robbing the humor industry of one of it’s main sources of income. “Satirical commentary is lost without the concept of someone like Trump at it’s heart.” said a confused funny person with deadlines to meet and too many surreal cynical things to come up with. Experts suggest that overexposure and the pressure to be seen to be doing something different from everyone else is forcing editors to insist that their satire departments – mostly interns doing work experience – avoid writing about Trump because he is already a walking lampoon. There is also growing concern that old fashioned newspaper print firms are running out of orange hair dye ink.
“Trump is a towering figure in the world of caricature, and cynical writers of American Politics should play to their strengths”, said a British Chancellor of the Exchequer before insisting this reporter add the cliche: “Britain is fixing the roof while the sun is shining!” The said Chancellor of the Exchequer -who is expected to become Britain’s first Chancellor of the Excontactless card for a trial period sometime in the new year – is rumoured to have told aides that being the butt of nose-butt jokes had troubled his dark soul for some time, however the load of caricature seems to have eased considerably since the Trump phenomenon stepped down from reality television and into people’s daily lives. Donaldo’s window of opportunity to go quietly before being pushed is now widely expected to be delayed until sometime after the American Residential Defections next year.
Care Home investors Care Less for Profit!
Pensioners are being encouraged to dip into their honey pots to sweeten life in old age, when they might need a spare room of their own. “Preparing for the future is the best way of securing the now!” said a bright spark sales rep at the “Beds In Old Folks Homes” (BIOF Homes) time share convention taking place near Flipside Majority, somewhere on the Tory Margins of Cameroon Keynes. Spokespersons say that investors can start small with a buy-to-let bed pan scheme and expect an immediate return on their excretion. Stock markets have risen in expectation of huge pensioner funds dumping their investments into the UK’s ageing Care Less Homes sector.
“Worrying people about the death of the NHS before their own demise has brought untold billions in questionable investments!” said a person counting the money at the BIOF Homes Conference ‘Hello’ badge collection point.
One automated ad campaigner who cold called me this morning, saying they had been trying to contact me regarding a recent injury claim made the case for the BIOF of Care Homes:”Profit from others now, and secure your own ailing self-care plan against the threat of future bed blockers already putting pressure on the underfunded Nonsense of Health Service and other crumbling social care facilities! To find out more press the star button now.”
Reminded that the adult craze for their own coloring-in books is on the wane since no one showed up to shop on Black Friday, overweight consumers are turning to the expanding online market in things that take your mind off things – previously considered the preserve of 8 year olds and under. Marketing expert Lotti Boulshitze of the ‘What the dot dot dot” institute for consumer awareness says “this years craze for ‘the child inside’ gifts is popular because everyone wants to get back to a time when they weren’t necessarily responsible for making the world a better place, or for cleaning their own room”.
Seasonal spikes in calendar related consumer spending events such as Coca Cola’s sponsored “Christmas time” are considered to be the perfect moment for mature people to express their inner child’s desire to return to simpler times. “Christmas reminds us that there were times in history when things were as easy as: “Star, manger, immaculate conception – hey presto, Jo’s your uncle!”
FaceCrook under fire as hidden corporate tax receipts found in newborns daughter’s disposable diapers!
MZ and partner undertook their accountwat’s advice and set up an offshore hedge fund in their daughter’s name, making it look like they were giving away all their money instead of paying taxes. Many people realised later that their privacy settings had been changed, and found the loving “Rich beyond our Wildest Dreams!” couple staring back at them from a 3 hour U tube video explaining their tax avoidance plans to an unwanted and uncaring public.
International Finance Report
Analysts poured over the figures of a recent released Pirrelli calendar and found that some of the glossy photos indicate a model of corporate fraud that even professional photographers don’t understand. Seasonal props in the Pirrelli account of time in the future show that February next year is earmarked for there to be hardly anything worth wearing.
Cards? You want Cards? Sure you do!
Paintings? You want Paintings? Sure you do!
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Great Content As Government Forces Bomb Imaginary Opposition!
Waiting in the wings of an aircraft hanger full of British Dissident forces loyal to un-democracy, a larger than expected contingent of self proclaimed “Labourious Children of Benn” found their way back from the lost gardens of political oblivion to address the use of history to justify become part of it by citing precedents such as statues of Bomber Harris, and the wholesale destruction of European populations and their dictators During WWII.
Pretending that there is some point to being anything other than completely anarchist about being in government, the free thinking majority of UK MP’s decided to send the entire British Air Force – Three planes and a guide dog – to fly the friendly skies over Syria and bomb enemy oil fields while everyone else on the planet meets in Paris to talk about ending our dependency on fossil fuels.
Paris Talks Agree To Bomb Refugees To Justify Arresting Global Warming!
With walking in Paris made illegal unless accompanied by a Gendarme or a diplomatic passport, those who are acting to change the global attitude that “What’s good for the economic climate has got to be good for the planetary one!” are ignored by governments pressing ahead with putting bombs and war high up the ranking of most global twitter feeds.
Hollywood Joins Escapist Trends And Updates Robinson Crusoe As A Modern Day Climate Refugee Love Story!
Missions to Mars notwithstanding the latest Hollywood blockbuster based on escaping a dying planet only to land on one that looks like a bombed Syrian Cit, have become all the rage. It is estimated that big movie spectacles help displace citizen anxiety about what is happening in the real world, relieving audiences of taking responsibility for the question: “How can we leave the Earth in such appalling condition for the children of the future?”
Writers Of Headlines Don’t Make Sense As Everyone Races To Bomb Things In The Desert Again!
Poverty, and gun crime take second page space as even Yankee nut-jobs who shoot the be-jezus out of disabled people in Care Centers and pregnant women in Family Planning Units can’t stay on the front pages for long. “Being a psychopath used to be a hell of a lot easier than this!” said one hostage taking nihilist before being shot dead by robo-cop while having the car keys extracted from her cold dead hands. Even police officers shooting innocent people on the basis of their skin colour can’t maintain headline space for long without quickly being shunted down the twitter feeds of major news organizations soon after their crimes and the calls for more gun control have been heard.
Charles Manson, famed for both killing people and inspiring Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys has lamented the end of the good old boy days from his honeymoon cottage somewhere on the edge of the American Penal System. “For me it was more about making friends and influencing people, but nowadays scratching a swastika into your forehead and claiming to be jesus just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. Look at what’s happened to the Yorkshire Ripper, I mean if people don’t think he’s a crazy fucker, what chance have the rest of us got?”
Hardened Murderers And Violent Criminals To Be Sent To Middle East To Create 70,000 Strong Ground Force To Make War Game Fantasy Into Desert Shit Storm Reality!
Having won the commons battle to send planes to bomb Syria so it looks like the UK is doing something to help it’s middle east bombing allies, the UK government is now said to be focusing on creating the 70,000 rebel fighters loyal to the Queen that it desperately needs on the ground so it doesn’t end up in a Blairite “Weapons of Mass Destruction” fiasco before the publication of the Chilcott Enquiry. Chilcott estimates that his dog eared dossier will go to press either before the end of the 21st century, or a 4 degrees Celsius temperature rise in the warming of planet Earth – whichever comes first.
Well, that’s if for another fun packed issue counting the shopping days left before the end of time.
Don’t’ forget about the Exhibition of new works on canvas by MacD (signed and for sale) The Enigma’s Progress at Jam Records, Falmouth
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