Deathism is worse than Ageism says UK.gov Dogsbody

kaching-smDeathism is worse than Ageism says UK Government Dogsbodypolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-blue-sm

Government fink tank experts are predicting a future that will unleash untold riches for the untold rich. Fighting against red tape red corbyn and red till your dead doorknobs, Prime Meanster B. Johnson has enlisted the powers of the dead to propose a bold new perspective on the idea that you work til you drop without a break for tea, lunch retirement or even your own funeral. “Afterlife profits have been overlooked for too long in this country! My government is proposing not to prolong retirement, but instead to promote afterliving! This is a government that wants to support citizens who take pride in their work and don’t necessarily want to stop working just because of dying! ThevNew Ageism is something that Brexit will allow us to achieve without the namby pamby celestial rule makers in Brussels getting in the way of the desire of the British people to work themselves to death, and to have the right to carry on!.”

terror-trump-macd-sm.jpgRealtor President to buy Greenlandpolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-green-72

A prime military landscape is in the pipeline and ready for the exchange of contracts with Trump Partners once the offer you can’t refuse has been confirmed.
(Actually, I don’t think this is a joke. ed)

Hong Kong running out of Umbrellas

Having become the symbol of resistance against the Party run state of China, HK now finds that every available umbrella is being used in protest against the Party franchise government of Hong Kong. It never rains but it pours says HK’s leading brelly manufacturer. China maintains that HK doesn’t need umbrellas, and should comply with un-umbrella culture traditions in line with the state controlled state of the mainland.

Germany’s Recession Proof Quantum Easingentropy-101-macd-sm

One of the highlights of being European is taking comfort in the stability of the German economy. Even the recent shakes of Merkel have not shaken confidence in the german model (Angela recently made the cover of Vogue) So cars, diesel and otherwise are still the powerhouse behind the throne of Euro stability, and no, there will be no downturn, no uprising and no middle incomes as far as Deutchebank is concerned.

 

 

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get in touch, find out more, enjoy the moment

 

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“Hey Nige, lay off Greta!” Says Planet

Hey Nige, lay off Greta! Says Planetbreximatepolitoons-md-sm

The world has decided it has a voice and has used it today to insist Nigellistas of the Faragist Brexiteers stop bothering the teenage girl who is trying her best to save the planet for future generations of people other than the idiotologues who follow Nige around like flies spawning in rotting meat.

Of course there are other nit-shitz who the world would like to emasculate were it able to – as a living entity currently breaking out in a rash because of its human irritants – but the world is a grown up, so won’t go into the kids bedroom after dinner and tell them how unfair it is to speak the truth about what is actually happening to the global project most people call “the future”. 27-1-15-keep-calm-macd-sm

Thankfully, there are hair worriers more concerned with the leader of the free world’s ability to stand in front of helicopters somehow, without his tupee getting sucked up into the blades. Such likes are too busy dreaming about re-erections of the white supperpremierists – people who think they should be first in line for desert even though they’ve thrown their plates of food away and haven’t noticed the skid marks on their edible undies.

Not that I’m one to talk big words and sway anyone with how things are, it just seems that  threatening teenagers with climate denying Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Ness from the isolation of a grown up’s bedroom is no way to seek respect from your peers.nigels negative nosh1-macd-politoons

So like the Planet says, put a dirty sock in it Nige, and suck up the reality, the only global conspiracy is your flat earth society aggro and desperation for headlines.

yours

the effing planet

X
 
 
 
 

Project Fear Jumps the Shark!

 

Brexit Looms for Dutch Blooms!

Flowers across Europe demanded their poly tunnels be prepared for a no deal brexit yesterday. Tulip and other floral unions gathered together in their bulbous millions to force growers to face up to the diverse challenges pollinating political discourse across the continent.

“There is no question that the tulips have a point” said one EU florist who has begun preparing their plants for a ‘no deal’ scenario. “The British seem prepared to throw away freedom of movement for flowers, putting arrangements in turmoil and leaving leaves in hot water”. There has been growing unease as the prospect of a Flora Backstop becomes a possible reality.  British growers are aware that access to the European Floral Rights Agreement signed in the 1980’s by then UK Flower Minister, Poppy Koch may soon come to an end, without germinating any alternative seedlings or solutions to the growing Floral crisis.

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thats it for today, let us know your blooming thoughts

xmac

 

 

 

 

 

Project Fear Jumps the Shark!

Former Foreign Secretary Johnson stuck his oar into Brexshit Creek this morning with a warning to all voting age UK citizens to be wary of fake Project Fear propaganda!boris-project-fear-macd

 

that’s another little note then,

all comments welcome

x macd

 

 

 

 

 

 

Space Wall to be paid for by Aliens!

American Presentident Donaldo Trump has confounded critics while amazing Star Wars fans that anything can get done while their government – like the United Kingdom’s –  appears to have ceased to exist.

Engaging with the enemy, Trump has moved his Wall into space, diverting funds from future Mars Exploration and subverting Congress in order to keep actual REAL aliens from immigrating  onto Earth without having first entered our orbit legally.donaldo's-space-wall-macd

 

that’s it for this really great again news flash, more Politoons to follow

cheers

macd

 

 

 

 

 

 

Government votes against itself then with itself before going home for the weekend!

Government votes against itself then with itself before saying “It’s so unfair!” and taking the ball with them

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The fixed term parliament act has hobbled a nation’s ability to rule itself as the government fights the government knowing that they will remain the government until
2023 no matter what. (note from editor: amend word ‘remain’ to ‘hold out’ or ‘survive’ so as not to upset Sun reading demographic) “The idiocy is palpable” said a leading Government Against Itself (GAI) spokesperson from the top of a graffitied double decker bus.

(note to editor: Sun readers only buy it for the sport section… or do they still have page 3?)

The ‘Gia’ movement, once associated with belief that theplanet is a living organism, has been co-opted by climate denying isolationist islanders situated somewhere off the coast of Europe. No one in Europe is quite sure exactly where they are at at the moment.  GIA has turned the Un-united Kingdom into a pleasuredome for rightwing nib squibs who can pretend to have ideas without any fear of having to act on them.

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That’s it, I’m off to build a wall between the left and right side of my brain to stem the flow of dangerous drugs

leave a comment below though, be please to hear from you, one side or the other.

cheers macd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Latest Updates from your election news condensationizer!

British Negotiating Team Prepares…

End of May predicted in June pundits say!

May-bot makes first appearance

Suicide Note found in Tory Battlebus! and more Election News

Suicide Note found in Tory Battlebus!


An extensive search for someone from the government to interview after the launch of the conservative Election Manifesto has unveiled a note pinned to the hopes of Trace May’s vision for a whiter future. In it loyal party supporters have been lumped in with the feckless miscreants who litter the country with their unwanted souls like leeches preying on the stick legs of the ageing land owning class. “Join me” said May yesterday in an old mill surrounded by old men who appeared to have been spray bombed with grey blue war paint before entering the well guarded hall.

“OMG – Jeremy Corbyn had a mother!” Tory leak latest shock to national well being


The not yet dead well read leader of the BeLaboured Party has been revealed to be an actual son of someone, as evidence of his having inherited things from his mother when she passed away circulate endlessly in Government echo chamber circles like the BBC. As investigative reporters played bridge with bored well off elderly people who look about my age, their overdubbed narrative tugged at the heartstrings as loyal Tory voters blamed the poor for being poor and patted themselves on the back for still being able to remember the day they first voted for Margaret Thatcher.

Tory Poll slippage seen as good news for reluctant PM!

MacD cartoon in indian ink style, ebook coming soon in 2013
Having realised the galactic dimensions of the sh*t storm approaching Britain, the woman who only wants what’s best for the people who are against globalisation and for world trade may be having second thoughts about the bollocks of a mess created during the last 7 years of not reducing the deficit, net immigration or unsqueezing the middle while having promised to do so that she is now responsible for as she transforms her party into a UKIP government. After a quiet word with her husband on the One Show watched by millions, Trace and her bin man are hoping to have more time to themselves once theyy lose the election so someone more qualified can get on with running the country.

That’s it for now, more Politoons news as it breaks over our heads like an unexpected hail storm.

Hey! What about this guy?

no point, he’s already toast. (ed)

Register to Vote for your TV License!

 

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British Electoral Roll to be based on Television License Fee payments!

BBC Impartiality Tzar Liar Kunstburger made the announcement today from inside the frame of a camera shot depicting the desolate northern seaside towns that were once thriving peasant villages in the feudal days before Thatcherism and her Industrial revolution that changed the face of a nation from smiley to frowny in less that a generation.
Kunstburger says “If we use the latest viewing figures instead of asking people to register to vote, we’ll get more informed audiences in the ballot box!” When asked about top ten topic ‘immigration’ LK told the questioner that television was a natural filtering device for controlling the vast number of people who want to come to this country to watch television. “What could be simpler than demanding everyone signs up and registers before watching television or listening to the radio?”
She went on to add “Its gonna be great!” before giving the thumbs up and jetting off to deliver a package to News at Ten.

 

Latest polling data shows polls would win if enough polls register to vote!

Latest polling data shows polls would win if enough polls register to vote!

Pollsters are generating newsfeeds suggesting that the polls could win a landslide in the coming general election wiping out mainstream parties in a bonfire of the infernos not seen since the idea of asking people what they think  about things was first recorded.  History shows that predicting how things will go before they have come and gone is an exciting area for unpaid interns and data collection experts in general who are prepared to keep annoying people until they submit to questioning.

Computer crash alert as Microsoft tells everyone to buy the latest version of its Faulty operating system

Software giant’s clients in hacking sh*t storm as Bill -Ransom-Gate faces down anonymous cyber-bots!

Philanthropic philanderer Big Bill Gates says he is ready for a showdown with unknown Dark Net users after North Korea threatens to launch missile strike on Ransom Net HQ somewhere in a wi fi hotspot near you.

more news to be made up shortly…

Politoons February 2017 – The ‘Enough is Never Enough’ Issue

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Last Sane Person Asked to Leave the White House!

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In keeping with redefining journalists bent on seeking the truth as the new ‘enemies of the people’, newspeaking spokespeople for the Alt-Right House have rescinded the bus passes of older media organizations in favo(u)r of yo(u)ng upstart power ‘ho’s’ willing to promote the billionaire tax evading television reality star’s next series of re-truthings – a series of daily soap script pitches now being analysed by the Tea Party Senate for adherence to ‘truth, justice and the American way’. Once approved the highly detailed story lines will be used to construct a fly on the wall documentary about the Orange One’s first 100 days in office spent siphoning government funds into his various offshore franchises and business interests while deregulating Wall Street.

Britain finally figures out what Brexit means all by itself!

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People all over the country watched two political election spin off dramas this week as UKIP un-picked itself from ever being elected to national office, the Labo(u)r party performed an emergency cesarean on itself and induced a panicky emergence of doubt amongst those who thought social justice meant agreeing with right wing Tories about leaving URUP while trying to make clear they intend doing so for very different reasons. The tactic has paid off according to recent reality opinion polls – formerly known as ‘by-elections’. “We knew thinking the same thing as the government but for different reasons would pay off eventually!” Said the Labo(u)r Monarch. “See how the people have decided things for the same reason by voting for them instead of us.” The Labo(u)ring Labo(u)r leader waved goodbye from his socialist state allotment, pointing to the the spade he had taken out of the shed to continue to ‘dig for Britain’ as the hole increased in size around him.

Brexperts predict Brexit soon to Brexist as the only BreSingularity!

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“Brexit means we will do little else but talk about Europe even though the majority of the country thought they had voted by a huge majority for us to shut up about it!” The Prime Minister explained from her new bastion of Copeland where the last 80 years of political history vanished into the past – just like all the others. “Now we don’t have to focus on the failing NHS, slipping School Standards, Poverty, Disability Rights and all the other negative stories the Fake News Press *(*see Last Sane Person to Leave White House story above) have been touting to anyone old enough to buy a newspaper!” She said to rapturous applause before returning to her armoured car. “Let us now focus our attention and pool our resources around our overriding prejudices against anyone from neighbouring countries, near or far…” She said, sucking in her breath and pointing at her Just About Coping Squeezed Middle before muttering  “…which may soon include Scotland…” As she returning to London to cat sit for the House of Lords while it tried to make sense of how the political landscape had changed.

EXUKIP Leader insists leaving Europe will trigger mass immigration into the UK!

nigels negative nosh1-macd-politoons
Meanwhile in the UKIP heartland of a motorway services, former leader of the free world Nige Farago made his pledge to the people of Britain to remove windmills from the countryside and make Britain Great again. Although not leader of anything now, the non-leader insists that the party he doesn’t lead anymore will – if elected –  build a wall to stop anyone leaving because triggering article 50 and the process of leaving Europe -which he had always desired – will mean an increase in immigration into the UK which he has always been against.  “Let me leave you with this final question” said the non-politician as he got in his car “How far up the road do I have to go before I can turn around and travel back down the way I really want to go?”

that’s it for this week’s news

but that’s not all – by any means necessarily!
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“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.
 
Merch!
Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!
Politoons T-shirts, cups, tea towels, cards and other fascinatingly prescient merchandise is available from Politoons.co.uk, send us a comment or email ‘info at politoons.co.uk’ and we’ll send you the vital statistics – ed.

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Last Laugh Reported Today!

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POlitOons The First Issue-Elect of 2017

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Continental Driftz A new experimental poetry podcast on the theme of Europe featuring MacD MCMC Spoken, Will Salter, and Drewzy and the Robot. mac-dunlop-photo
Check out more audio satire at politoon’s own podcasting portal

Now you may begin…

News Flash! Official Reprieve From Barrack the Merciful:

politoons manning case by macd

Chelsey Manning,  granddaughter of long buried stand up guy Bernard, was once a Premier League football team before becoming the beneficiary of Pre-Trump President B.Omb-ama’s merciful beneficence. With a reprieve set to mark the anniversary of the release of ‘Please Release Me’ by the previously unreleased Gang of Four, Bernard Manning’s granddaughter will no longer live in isolation from the rest of the world for the crime of wanting to share.

 

Brexperts prepare for Crash Test Dummy survival outside Europe!
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Teresay May or may not have decided on what Brexit means, but this week has told the world what she can about the ‘Brrrr’ in Brrrexit. Using notes scribbled hastily on the scalps of her Three Brexiteers (One’s for Out and Out’s for One!) Tee’s Maid-en speech embarked into the unknown without fear, prejudice or knowledge to hinder her negotiating team’s rodeo ride into the unregulated world economy. Boris ‘I-coulda-bin-a-contender’ Johannson, explorer of vast quantities of empty space in search of power, has paid off civil servants whose advice he considers to be below common EU standards. His ministerialship has sent them packing and into retirement secured with hush money clauses and no guaranteed right of entry back into anything except a soon to be cancelled local bus service if they show their senior (nonEU) citizen’s card.

Artistic innovative collaboration seen as dramatic re-invention of contemporary Archeological sites!

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Dateline Alleppo: The east of the city has been metaphorically reunited with it’s Abyssyrian ancestral burial grounds thanks to the new sculptural installation work of phycho-demented co-blabative artists Assid and Pubeskin. The collaborating state artists have created a mock up of the early millenial carpet bombed city of Grozny from the distant past of the early naughties, and transferred an exact replica to this modern Syrian city.

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“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.

 

Merch!

Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!

Politoons T-shirts, cups, tea towels, cards  and other fascinatingly prescient merchandise is available from Politoons.co.uk, send us a comment or email ‘info at politoons.co.uk’ and we’ll send you the vital statistics – ed.
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president defect calls for nation to come together

 

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Do you think I’m Brexie?

No MARMAYBE for British consumers
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(with thanks to annie)

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pOlitOons flashback

politoons-uk-flag-macdAs the scatalogically challenged lump collides with the swirling air propeller, perhaps it is time to take stock of things that have led to this, our joyous interlude of incomprehension.

george osborne and the uk budget by macd

poverty being a state of mind by macd

©m.dunlop2011

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The “Britain Rues, OK!” issue

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IDS-lies-nhs-macd-smSLEEP BEFORE YOU GO GO!

Now we can all sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that a bunch of people with no idea of what to do next are running the country. But when was it any different? The government has decided to consume itself with infighting and hatred, and – not out manoeuvred – so has the opposition.

ROAD MAP FOR BREXIT!

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All roads in England now lead to the emergency Brexit – it’s just there through the unlit stairwell beneath the houses of parliament where Guy Fawkes once left enough barrels of gunpowder to blow the pips off the news bulletin at the top of the hour. If you find your way through that and the raw sewage pipes we had to clean up because of EU regulations (bah boo hiss! how dare they say how to clean a beach! What next? Climate Change? Nigel! Go get ’em boy! Kill Kill Kill! Grrr….) Eventually you’ll find yourself in the channel tunnel.  At least we’ll get our Calais  Jungle back “It’s coming home, they’re coming home The jungle’s coming home!” to Dover where it belongs along with all the struggling migrants trying to get into Britain. So, job done! All we have to do now is accept the will of a toussel haired nutcase who jumps on any passing bandwagon – or is that the United States? Whatever! Too much thinking causes cancer so less is more as far as breaking out the oars and rowing ourselves out into the mid Atlantic while the sharks circle to peck at the dangly bits slowing numbing in the reversing Gulf Stream goes.

THE PLAN… WHO’S GOT THE PLAN?

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Perfect! So, plan of action time is over, we can all start to properly panic without politicians getting in the way with their wars of words or attempts at squeezing actual facts through the multi-headed multi-national multi-muck chucking meat mangle we call impartial media.
Thanks to them we can now sit back and watch as  Nigel Fexage and Ian Duncan Death Wish generate a double headed shit storm faster than the internet’s best cloud seeding chem trail conspiracy theory can spread search terms.

BRITON’S MINUS HOUR!

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This is Britain’s finest hour, or minute maybe, or maybe just second. Enough time to rewind the old super 8’s of the sixties and marvel at how the Beatles  morphed from mop tops to acid heads in the blink of a historical eye. “Never mind the bloody music,” say the experts, t’was the celebrity culture what done it!

So wrap yourself in that flag once reserved for groups with racist overtones, and feel the stingy pride of post colonialism. We’re all peasant farmers now, vassals to the crown and her cronies who need somewhere to park their super yachts for the Queen’s birthday celebrations before chugging off into international waters to avoid paying taxes while burning through 600 litres of high Sulphur crude – just far enough away to call themselves offshore to use incoming rubber dingies overloaded with nationless poor people for target practice – while some un-resigned flunkie tries to turn round the supertanker.

LEADER’S BREXIT PROMISE FULLFILLED!

lastly, thank you David for dragging the nation into a puddle before letting your mates whack it with cricket bats until it lies bloody and swollen as a trapped Koi Carp gasping for air while the gulls glide excitedly down from overhead.pm-resigns-ref-macd-sm
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the Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum (B.U.G.G.E.R) part II

politoons-new-logo1-940-198-pink-72Will the last Briton to leave the EU please brick up the tunnel?

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Of course it is very easy to trivialize the IN/OUT debate, to think of it as a form of navel gazing – which in some insey/outsey circles it used to be – but this decision does affect our lives, and our televising of sporting events. For example, the IN/OUT debate as it applies to the NHS:

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The fact is, the outcome of this referendum won’t affect people my age nearly as much as it will the coming generations, but they have been well equipped by the Academization revolution that has dispensed with the arts to make more room for managers and assessment gurus. The new education system has streamlined the function of learning into it’s basic components.

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A lot of people are concerned about how leaving Europe will affect them financially and how to manage their gold plated savings and bonus culture profit making…

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But what gets most people is the Brussels double speak! The endless resources spent on whether to call a Pastie a Pastie, or whether Cream Teas come from Devon or Cornwall. ‘Tis health and safety gone mad! (shriek, tear hair out, shake fist behind windscreen in fit of rage, etc)

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Of course for most people the biggest issue is security. Remember Charlie Hebdo? Sensible Brexiteers think we’re better off leaving the French to die on their own streets, to just walk on by, observe from a distance, stick two fingers in our ears and sing lah lah la lah lah la lah lah…! until they let us win at something.

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“But” they say, what about our rights at work? Well lets face it the UK has been flouting EU work regulation for the last two successive governments, and seems to have an opt out clause on everything from the working time directive to written contracts, so if anything leaving Europe will just make exploiting the low waged and stripping them of their dignity as we do now, just that little bit easier for Mr. Boss Man.

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In any case, the UK whether it becomes Scottish-less or not has always had in place some influential people behind the scenes ready to step in and take charge if a Brexit ends up going peer shaped…
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So stiff upper lip and all that,
here’s to whatever happens next!

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thanks for taking part in The Politoons
Brexiteer’s Unfocus Group Guide to the Referendum
(BUGGER for short)

follow us or leave us a message or comment, we’d love to hear from you
cheers
Mac D
editor
politoons.com
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TKO is final blow to Brexit Poll Road Show!

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for more info see Politoons Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum
do follow, share, link and tweet us (and BTW yes, he was great) thanks for dropping in
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