Britain Labours under kidnapped PM’s call for closer Cup Ties

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Labour Party held over Ageist Controversy20131123-101402.jpgpolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-blue-sm

World parties on the left of center axis imploded with rage today at the incompetence of people who are unable to fulfill their destiny by voting for more egalitarian societies.  Old Labour stalking horse Frank Skinner – of the Holier than Tony Benn brigade, many of whom fought in the Spanish Civil War and bent spoons as party tricks – risked everything today by letting the Party un-select him from it’s specially selected council of counseling selectors.  Enraged that a hero of many front bench wannabes could be treated with such limited democratic fervor, the un-out spoken leader of the Labour party moved to have Skinner re-deployed quickly, in the hope that no one would notice that he had ever been missing.

to-be-honest-PM-macdPM held for ransompolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-pink-72

David Cameron, purported to be the Prime Minister of Britain, has been held hostage by the right wing of his own party and only let out on day- release today to speak to the media about failing to do anything in Europe. “How not to influence policy and lose what little you had” is the title of the new “Yes, Minister… I mean NO minister!” remake of the popular television sitcom that even in the 1980’s, no one could quite believe was real.  This time, “How not to influence…” will go behind the scenes in Europe, and look up from underneath the desk of Nigel Farage as he too turns his back on Europe – as opposed to his expense account.

©m.dunlop2011

How England could have won the Cuppolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-green-72

In an alternative reality, Sport England were accused of not diving or cheating or falling over helplessly whenever an opposing player came near them and thus loosing out on a place in the final 16 competition between the most expensively paid ball kicking teams on the planet. “It’s not our fault”, said team captain Jean Luc Picard “no one wants to dive anymore since Alan Shearer did it and was forced to sit next to Gary Lineker and  pretend to look interested whenever Gary said something”.  When asked why the British Lions failed to even bare their teeth, Coach driver Roy Hodgeson pointed in the direction of Liverpool and Uruguay strikers all at once saying “At least my players got that one right!”

 

for more Politoons news updates and ill conceived views follow on, with RSS or send us an SOS ( it has been a long time hasn’t it?)

 

Posted in europe, politoons, satire, social commentary, sports, UK Politics | 2 Comments

Poll Position with Poetry 24

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a recent Politoon posting on Poetry 24 – the 24 hour News is the Muse website!*

“a pithy response to this week’s election results and the announcement by Nigel Farage that he and UKIP candidates will be ‘serious players’ at the forthcoming general election.  Here at Poetry24 we extend our thanks to Mac for choosing to submit his work here. Nasty Farage, however, is quite a different matter and we hope to be seeing much less of him soon.”

Poll Position

Other people seem to have followed me in here,
it must be the odd job notice – I put myself down
for anything these days.
MEP? Me? Well, sure!
As long as I don’t have to vote or anything.
Future King? Hell, yeah! The odd gaff about dictators
and lording it over all of Cornwall notwithstanding.
I could have a go at sorting out the schools,
cops, unemployment – that isn’t working, I get that -
and foreign policy, something I understand
we don’t “do” here… Hey, tell you what,
give me your name and postcode, and I”ll drop by with a free quote.
We can discuss how everything is getting worse
alongside the “no politicians” sign on your letterbox.

© Mac Dunlop









*Poetry24 was founded in early 2011 by Hampshire-based former columnist Martin Hodges and Merseyside performance poet Clare Kirwan. The aim was simple: to publish news-related or topical poetry that reflects what’s happening in the world, or current affairs.The idea was partly inspired by a response to a poem written by Martin. A fellow-blogger commented: “I am reading your words and at the same time watching the News24 reports from Cairo and thinking you might have invented Poetry24.”Since then, nearly 800 poems have been published on the site from around the world, often within hours or days of having been written, providing a unique poetic response to the news as it happens.

Posted in europe, mac dunlop poetry, satire, social commentary, UK Politics | Leave a comment

POlitOOns- notes on the political new wave

politoons-new-logo1-940-198-green-72I’m working on a new theory of politics. It’s called Bolloxism. Every time someone says something racist, sexist, greedy, stupid, inane, anti-immigrant, I ask them: “Are you voting Bollox this year?”

Having survived an air crash a few years ago, Nigel Effarage failed to survive an on air car crash interview recently in London, a city so large it can hardly fit in his mouth.farage-macd

In other news a football team who likes red won its first anything for years, long after most people had given up worrying about it. The trophy will go toward attracting more businesses to part with their tax exempt profits and emblazon their logos across the chests of the best male legs in the country ( apart from cyclists of course, whose legs stand out more due to regular shaving and rub downs.)footy-win-or-lose-macd-sm

With nothing left to do except pretend to enjoy the heat and mumble Rhubarb Rhubarb if anyone tries to talk about climate change, people across the country are ready to describe anyone who isn’t like them as not British enough to carry pictures of the queen in their back pockets. A trick of making people part with their money learned from private industry which is now invading the public service arena of protecting vulnerable children. Private corporations like the idea of profiting from the fates of families and paying company bonuses or dividends to shareholders in one giant shovel full of Bollox.

two office workers, one says to the other "Zero hours? Cool! when is zero hour? Shall we synchronize watches?"

Then they’ll send tax payers money to offshore multinational headquarters where companies have their postal head office. Sorry, what’s that? Oh, they keep their head offices here because they don’t have to pay any tax in the UK? Then I do apologize, I should have just said: “send tax payers money off to multinational companies – full stop!”

 

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Politoons – the second coming or ‘rehash’ issue, and cartoon competition results!

Breaking News: Graffiti Art found on Street as opposed to inside Museums!politoons-new-logo1-940-198-72

A Bansky artwork was stolen by it’s owners and its USP doubled in size overnight as predictive texts around the world broke down causing #/ tweeting chaos!

Ban Kee moon, Badly, Bradley, and even Chelsea (as in Manning) kept cropping up in insipid but stupidly popular twitter feeds about art litter, as smart phones continue to dumb down in price toward their lowest common denominator (which in computer binary code means nothing)politoons manning case by macd

Ukraine train of thought derailed by Ethnical-ist times table Divisionspolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-pink-72

Meanwhile in trade talks between the US Empire and the Russian Re-Tsarist Movement, similar graffiti art by glorified cartoonists has become a bargaining chip in the increasingly heated debate about what to do with the Ukraine (both sides being afraid to ask Ukrainians what to do for fear of what they might think).putin and the hobby horse

The New Society is the Old Social Darwinismpolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-green-72citizenshil tests in the uk by macd

The British government has slashed, burned – and now effectively made extinct – support funding for disabled students in higher education, saying that Universities as opposed to society should foot the bill. “There is no such thing as society!” said several dead ghosts of Tories past, along with the minister for rubbish collections and faith-based elitism who went on to explain ““society” cannot pay for anything because “society” simply does not exist! Besides which, this government wasn’t not elected in order to make one!” The Rubbish Minister promptly left the room with a smug look on his faeces, and prepared for his next encounter with the domesticated media: a press conference on the subject of shooting people who might be immigrants. A plan the government is proposing in order to alleviate the Arrivals and Departures crisis currently taking place at Heathrow Airport.

mad men by macd

Music News is the same as it was 40 years ago study finds!

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Aging rock stars turned out in force to deny, and then confirm, rumours that they would be headlining at Glastonbury Festival this year. Some threatening to come out of retirement, and others threatening to return from the dead (This is understood to refer to the “Grateful Dead” a San Franciscan free love band famous for powerful rock ballads such as “Drums in Space” who managed to continue living like hippies well into the 21st century)

Bad Hair Day causes International Interventionismnext-of-kim-macd-21-12-11webpolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-pink-72

World leader’s selfie culture took on a new look this week as holograms of Kim Il Sun’s son, Kim Il Schlemiel appeared in Hair salons across Britain. Ambassadors for the smallest nuclear power in Korea duly arrived at the stylists shop in force, requesting pudding bowl cuts and some hair gel before insisting that the hologram of their great leader be removed from the cutting room floor (a common editing process in the North Korean countryside, where cuts and removal have different connotations)

The good news is that the Politoons exhibition of cartoons and sound continues at Jam Records in Falmouth UK until April 30th, and you can order any cartoon you like as a glicee print or on a dishwasher safe coffee cup for £10! (+p&p)IMG_1956

So get in touch to get that special something for that special someone on that special someday from this special somewhere today!

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And finally after much deliberation, hesitation, and repetition, we are able to announce the winner of the 4th Politoons Cartoon competition*!

(see below)

*sorry about the delay, it took a while before the brain transplant became fully functional, and kicking the crystal meths addiction took a bit longer than I had previously thought – my (breaking) bad.

We had some great lines from Tim,

“What, you act like you’ve never seen a mobile home before!”

and

“Now, that’s what I call rent control!”

with a wry comment on the state of modern art from the artist Chris,

“If he can draw a dog, why can’t he do heads?”

so the choice was difficult, and thank you to all who took the time to send in your brilliant ideas, but the final winner of competition #4 is PG’s,

“Nobody was impressed by Fido’s tortoise impression”

Nobody was impressed by Fido's tortoise impression

Nobody was impressed by Fido’s tortoise impression

Yers

MacD

Editor in Mischief

politoons.co.uk

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Yer politoon Easter massage

politoons-new-logo1-940-198-blue-sm Easter messageeaster-message1macd-sm

sorry about the delay in getting out the cartoon competition winners

here’s the link and we’ll be back after the break

cheers

macd

editor-in-belief

Posted in comedy, politoons, satire | 1 Comment

From the back of beyond

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Hi! I face tweeted the bebo we googled and amazoned u an orange apple blackberry app for tumblr that makes it easier to search for eye candy crowdsourcing of flash mobbed downloads on eBay. So I ‘/#’d’ it for you and took a selfie of the touchscreen pasted it to your inbox and had to resend it because of yur spam filter. Then the server was down, I had low battery with no charge cable so I mms-ed it to ur fone think it’s special offer – I only get one free if you and 9 others do the online q and a – can I bcc your email list? I saved it that time you put everyone in the subject field by mistake. I’ve sent them stuff before but as I might win something this time I thought I should tell you. :)

“What about the Cartoon Caption Contest?” I hear you say, even as the earth warms uncomfortably, shifting in its celestial seat.
Well, here’s the Cartoon in search of a Caption:dog-bus-stop-macd-sm

Don’t forget to check out and into The Enigma Deviations at Jam Records in Falmouth, on show until April 30th.

And there’s a whole heap a’ entries, but still a few days left.
Winning announcement at the end of the week.
Sorry about the delay folks, the ed’s been working on a short film- um, still i’s actually – so what the hey am I doing here! Gotta go, director’s cut on the clipboard! Xmacd

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Budget Plane Disappearing in Paper Boy Cuts Special!

politoons-new-logo1-940-198-72Budget Squeezes Middle-Aged Waistbandsgeorge-floats-the-pound-by-macd2013.jpg

Chancellor boy George unveiled his new tattoo, a heavily overwritten display of prime numbers cascading from a small calculator which when he flexed his bicep grew to the size of a small calculator.  Balls of Ire, the shadow of the Chancellor spoke ill of the dead, well Maggie anyway, then tried to encourage young people to vote saying he could feel their pain, having only recently just scraped through his year three piano exam himself.  Yes the mouth that launched a thousand blips was drowned beneath a sea of hate figures on the government benches today as they hailed themselves and their ‘we’ll have to make do with him for the time being’ leader. Meanwhile waves of Ukrainian boat people did not flood across Europes unprotected Eastern flank like the charge of the Light brigade thundering in the opposite direction over 100 years ago, “but it was a close run thing” said experts given air time to say such things.

Is it a bird, is it a…what the hell is that?falling-euro-macd_web

Missing planes in the Straights of Malay were meanwhile considering the possibility that they were being looked for in the wrong place.  So a team comprised of the Gays of Malay were instead sent into space to search for satellites that should have noticed where the flight had gone long before it had stopped going where it was supposed to. Arrival lounges in airports around the world were put on hold in case the plane showed up and everyone aboard had to be told that they could not disembark. “Plane people are the new boat people especially in Australia” said some Village people recently at a premier of ‘Priscilla in the desert –the director’s cut’. It is rumoured that even the original inhabitants of the worlds largest island can’t get rid of the alien creatures that for hundreds of years have overseen their asylum seekers hostels and rampaged like copulating rabbits through their corridors of power.

Paper boys face cuts in Puberty Timewhen the wind blows-macd

Meanwhile  in local news, the newspapers were delivered late again this morning as the usual child labourer has reached puberty and is now deemed fit for work.  Having been chucked out of the family home so they can rent out the spare room and pay the bedroom tax. The young ex- paper person is now forced to sleep in the rough until he becomes old enough to go to uni, where he can borrow ridiculous amounts of money and learn how to get out of paying it back.

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Don’t forget to check out and into The Enigma Deviations at Jam Records in Falmouth, and stay tuned for the finalists of the 4th POlitoon Caption Contest being announced this week!

Posted in comedy, mac dunlop cartoons, politoons, satire, US Politics, world politics | 1 Comment