Politoonz issooz week ending 27-9-14

politoons-new-logo1-940-198-blue-smdavid cameron british prime minister by macdPM rises to address imminent AM issues

News of the prime minister having gone somewhere or other to talk about climate change has been declared idle gossip spread by idlers who should be out there working. “Armchair bloggers should get a real job in journalism, then they’d find out what it’s really like to sit around all day waiting for something to happen!” said a sitting MP queuing to be whipped on the government benches.

London’s Gurning!poverty being a state of mind by macd
Squeaky trolleys have been outlawed in parts of London, as the Mayor’s new whist drive to create no go areas for anything with four wheels has taken off in a way that his plans for an airport haven’t. “This is not the time for unfit shopping trolleys and ones with duff wheels to be littering the shiny streets of the nation’s capital – by which I mean the financial district.” Said the wannabe MP from a hair salon chair in Leicester Square yesterday.

Lit Mad World Gets More Literary!lady-twerk-macd-tango-sm
The world of poetry has lauded a new collection inspired by the government focus on the national happiness index. a poet has decided that Happiness that would make the perfect title for their new collection on musings about existence as they watch people queue outside food banks.

His Story is all about Her!on the phone by macd
In other literary news, a famous fictional historian has been accused of bigotry for fantasizing about assassinating historical figures. “The past is not a playground for historians, it is a series of dates and facts, like 1066 and all that!” said a histrionic other historian, determined to get his facts right before auditioning for mastermind.

 

and don’t forget to have a go at the cartoon contest at the bottom of this link!

until we meet again dear bleeder!

Or purchase a famous collection of toons!

Achoo!… I mean Adieu!

x

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Politoons Och Aye The Newz! for September 18th, 2014

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Referendum Today!

The worst political scenario may come into being today as north of the bord-arians go on trial in a test of strength to decide their uncertain future. Political leaders across the spectrum are ranging from angry – red – to envious – green – while those on the left are feeling a little blue.  The problem with anti-christ legislation has heaved the disputes over troubled waters back into the eye of the storm today, as seamstresses argue over the eye of a needle left in a haystack overnight that a camel passed water through in time for the next election.

World Leader Newsworld-leader-camp-macd2011

President Obamathon now in the salad days of office has found his time as a ‘world leader’ to be blessed with overreactive elements within his administration – like phosphorous which is fine until it comes into contact with water. While ISIS the Egyptian god of something – but not pyramids – has decided to take over a bit of this country and a bit of that one, creating new borders along lines drawn in the sand by water courses long before people discovered chalk and boards, and had to ask permission to go to the toilet.

Shut your mouth?when the wind blows-macd

Meanwhile the world of dentistry has been up in flames about the use of hot water to wash out mouths during the rinse cycle.  They say they want their clients to ‘spit it out’  over charges that they overcharge in their millions for just having a look – saying everything is fine and demanding you to return with some more money in six months time if you don’t want your face to fall off.

politoons-new-logo1-940-198-blue-smCycling Wetware

While in sport news,  a group of women woke up to the exploitation being meted out to them by their own cycling federation. Their new national uniforms include evening gowns and stiletto heeled cycling shoes. The expectation being that they will compete using the ‘side-saddle’ technique favoured by English costume dramas, and made famous by Queen Victoria in that film starring a Scottish comedian.

Comms Giants Junk Test!

wifi hell by macdEmail account holders woke up with a shock today to find their spam folders empty, and no junk mail in their in boxes.  Communication giants YaFU, BotMail, and Amazathon admitted that a technical error meant that for the first time since the internet was discovered millions of users did not receive unwanted mail.  Many have since complained, suggesting that unwanted email is their only link to the outside world, and are threatening to litigate against companies that fail to maintain a reasonable supply of unwelcome solicitations.

sleeping-man-macd-smpolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-pink-72Politoons Caption Contest Number 5!

This slumbering thought may ly like a sleeper -dormant for years then suddenly wake up with a…?

So what’s your take on this out-take from the Politoon Drawing drawers?

Ah, it’s good to be back!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in caption competitions, cartoon captions, politoons, satire, sport, UK Politics, US Politics, world politics | 2 Comments

Britain Labours under kidnapped PM’s call for closer Cup Ties

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Labour Party held over Ageist Controversy20131123-101402.jpgpolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-blue-sm

World parties on the left of center axis imploded with rage today at the incompetence of people who are unable to fulfill their destiny by voting for more egalitarian societies.  Old Labour stalking horse Frank Skinner – of the Holier than Tony Benn brigade, many of whom fought in the Spanish Civil War and bent spoons as party tricks – risked everything today by letting the Party un-select him from it’s specially selected council of counseling selectors.  Enraged that a hero of many front bench wannabes could be treated with such limited democratic fervor, the un-out spoken leader of the Labour party moved to have Skinner re-deployed quickly, in the hope that no one would notice that he had ever been missing.

to-be-honest-PM-macdPM held for ransompolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-pink-72

David Cameron, purported to be the Prime Minister of Britain, has been held hostage by the right wing of his own party and only let out on day- release today to speak to the media about failing to do anything in Europe. “How not to influence policy and lose what little you had” is the title of the new “Yes, Minister… I mean NO minister!” remake of the popular television sitcom that even in the 1980’s, no one could quite believe was real.  This time, “How not to influence…” will go behind the scenes in Europe, and look up from underneath the desk of Nigel Farage as he too turns his back on Europe – as opposed to his expense account.

©m.dunlop2011

How England could have won the Cuppolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-green-72

In an alternative reality, Sport England were accused of not diving or cheating or falling over helplessly whenever an opposing player came near them and thus loosing out on a place in the final 16 competition between the most expensively paid ball kicking teams on the planet. “It’s not our fault”, said team captain Jean Luc Picard “no one wants to dive anymore since Alan Shearer did it and was forced to sit next to Gary Lineker and  pretend to look interested whenever Gary said something”.  When asked why the British Lions failed to even bare their teeth, Coach driver Roy Hodgeson pointed in the direction of Liverpool and Uruguay strikers all at once saying “At least my players got that one right!”

 

for more Politoons news updates and ill conceived views follow on, with RSS or send us an SOS ( it has been a long time hasn’t it?)

 

Posted in europe, politoons, satire, social commentary, sports, UK Politics | 2 Comments

Poll Position with Poetry 24

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a recent Politoon posting on Poetry 24 – the 24 hour News is the Muse website!*

“a pithy response to this week’s election results and the announcement by Nigel Farage that he and UKIP candidates will be ‘serious players’ at the forthcoming general election.  Here at Poetry24 we extend our thanks to Mac for choosing to submit his work here. Nasty Farage, however, is quite a different matter and we hope to be seeing much less of him soon.”

Poll Position

Other people seem to have followed me in here,
it must be the odd job notice – I put myself down
for anything these days.
MEP? Me? Well, sure!
As long as I don’t have to vote or anything.
Future King? Hell, yeah! The odd gaff about dictators
and lording it over all of Cornwall notwithstanding.
I could have a go at sorting out the schools,
cops, unemployment – that isn’t working, I get that -
and foreign policy, something I understand
we don’t “do” here… Hey, tell you what,
give me your name and postcode, and I”ll drop by with a free quote.
We can discuss how everything is getting worse
alongside the “no politicians” sign on your letterbox.

© Mac Dunlop









*Poetry24 was founded in early 2011 by Hampshire-based former columnist Martin Hodges and Merseyside performance poet Clare Kirwan. The aim was simple: to publish news-related or topical poetry that reflects what’s happening in the world, or current affairs.The idea was partly inspired by a response to a poem written by Martin. A fellow-blogger commented: “I am reading your words and at the same time watching the News24 reports from Cairo and thinking you might have invented Poetry24.”Since then, nearly 800 poems have been published on the site from around the world, often within hours or days of having been written, providing a unique poetic response to the news as it happens.

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POlitOOns- notes on the political new wave

politoons-new-logo1-940-198-green-72I’m working on a new theory of politics. It’s called Bolloxism. Every time someone says something racist, sexist, greedy, stupid, inane, anti-immigrant, I ask them: “Are you voting Bollox this year?”

Having survived an air crash a few years ago, Nigel Effarage failed to survive an on air car crash interview recently in London, a city so large it can hardly fit in his mouth.farage-macd

In other news a football team who likes red won its first anything for years, long after most people had given up worrying about it. The trophy will go toward attracting more businesses to part with their tax exempt profits and emblazon their logos across the chests of the best male legs in the country ( apart from cyclists of course, whose legs stand out more due to regular shaving and rub downs.)footy-win-or-lose-macd-sm

With nothing left to do except pretend to enjoy the heat and mumble Rhubarb Rhubarb if anyone tries to talk about climate change, people across the country are ready to describe anyone who isn’t like them as not British enough to carry pictures of the queen in their back pockets. A trick of making people part with their money learned from private industry which is now invading the public service arena of protecting vulnerable children. Private corporations like the idea of profiting from the fates of families and paying company bonuses or dividends to shareholders in one giant shovel full of Bollox.

two office workers, one says to the other "Zero hours? Cool! when is zero hour? Shall we synchronize watches?"

Then they’ll send tax payers money to offshore multinational headquarters where companies have their postal head office. Sorry, what’s that? Oh, they keep their head offices here because they don’t have to pay any tax in the UK? Then I do apologize, I should have just said: “send tax payers money off to multinational companies – full stop!”

 

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Politoons – the second coming or ‘rehash’ issue, and cartoon competition results!

Breaking News: Graffiti Art found on Street as opposed to inside Museums!politoons-new-logo1-940-198-72

A Bansky artwork was stolen by it’s owners and its USP doubled in size overnight as predictive texts around the world broke down causing #/ tweeting chaos!

Ban Kee moon, Badly, Bradley, and even Chelsea (as in Manning) kept cropping up in insipid but stupidly popular twitter feeds about art litter, as smart phones continue to dumb down in price toward their lowest common denominator (which in computer binary code means nothing)politoons manning case by macd

Ukraine train of thought derailed by Ethnical-ist times table Divisionspolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-pink-72

Meanwhile in trade talks between the US Empire and the Russian Re-Tsarist Movement, similar graffiti art by glorified cartoonists has become a bargaining chip in the increasingly heated debate about what to do with the Ukraine (both sides being afraid to ask Ukrainians what to do for fear of what they might think).putin and the hobby horse

The New Society is the Old Social Darwinismpolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-green-72citizenshil tests in the uk by macd

The British government has slashed, burned – and now effectively made extinct – support funding for disabled students in higher education, saying that Universities as opposed to society should foot the bill. “There is no such thing as society!” said several dead ghosts of Tories past, along with the minister for rubbish collections and faith-based elitism who went on to explain ““society” cannot pay for anything because “society” simply does not exist! Besides which, this government wasn’t not elected in order to make one!” The Rubbish Minister promptly left the room with a smug look on his faeces, and prepared for his next encounter with the domesticated media: a press conference on the subject of shooting people who might be immigrants. A plan the government is proposing in order to alleviate the Arrivals and Departures crisis currently taking place at Heathrow Airport.

mad men by macd

Music News is the same as it was 40 years ago study finds!

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Aging rock stars turned out in force to deny, and then confirm, rumours that they would be headlining at Glastonbury Festival this year. Some threatening to come out of retirement, and others threatening to return from the dead (This is understood to refer to the “Grateful Dead” a San Franciscan free love band famous for powerful rock ballads such as “Drums in Space” who managed to continue living like hippies well into the 21st century)

Bad Hair Day causes International Interventionismnext-of-kim-macd-21-12-11webpolitoons-new-logo1-940-198-pink-72

World leader’s selfie culture took on a new look this week as holograms of Kim Il Sun’s son, Kim Il Schlemiel appeared in Hair salons across Britain. Ambassadors for the smallest nuclear power in Korea duly arrived at the stylists shop in force, requesting pudding bowl cuts and some hair gel before insisting that the hologram of their great leader be removed from the cutting room floor (a common editing process in the North Korean countryside, where cuts and removal have different connotations)

The good news is that the Politoons exhibition of cartoons and sound continues at Jam Records in Falmouth UK until April 30th, and you can order any cartoon you like as a glicee print or on a dishwasher safe coffee cup for £10! (+p&p)IMG_1956

So get in touch to get that special something for that special someone on that special someday from this special somewhere today!

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And finally after much deliberation, hesitation, and repetition, we are able to announce the winner of the 4th Politoons Cartoon competition*!

(see below)

*sorry about the delay, it took a while before the brain transplant became fully functional, and kicking the crystal meths addiction took a bit longer than I had previously thought – my (breaking) bad.

We had some great lines from Tim,

“What, you act like you’ve never seen a mobile home before!”

and

“Now, that’s what I call rent control!”

with a wry comment on the state of modern art from the artist Chris,

“If he can draw a dog, why can’t he do heads?”

so the choice was difficult, and thank you to all who took the time to send in your brilliant ideas, but the final winner of competition #4 is PG’s,

“Nobody was impressed by Fido’s tortoise impression”

Nobody was impressed by Fido's tortoise impression

Nobody was impressed by Fido’s tortoise impression

Yers

MacD

Editor in Mischief

politoons.co.uk

Posted in politoons | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Yer politoon Easter massage

politoons-new-logo1-940-198-blue-sm Easter messageeaster-message1macd-sm

sorry about the delay in getting out the cartoon competition winners

here’s the link and we’ll be back after the break

cheers

macd

editor-in-belief

Posted in comedy, politoons, satire | 1 Comment