Britain adds extra justice to its legal system at no extra cost to taxpayer!
Extrajudicial killings are now provided freeby the taxpayer funded military instead of the antiquated taxpayer funded courts. The suddenly rubber stamped landmark ruling allows pilot-less robots to bring swift death and justice to ex-pats and their neighbours who live in any bomb-able foreign land. Prime Meister David “Bomber” Cameron faced tough questioning over sending air ships into the desert in search of welsh people suspected of hiding in head coverings and beards. The unrepentant leader of the Conserva-kill-list Party went on to accuse anyone opposed to the use of military force to assassinate ex-pat British citizens of being “like, really un-grown-up and stuff!”. Reminding the rubber stamp club of MP’s surrounding him that the cost of having an attorney general in your pocket is to be replaced by the assumption that anyone accused of an offense must be guilty anyway, innit, at the end of the day, I’m not a racialist but… where you from anyway?
Refuge for Refugees refused unless not from Europe, government says!
Meanwhile the Government deftly avoided the anti-European migration crisis by insisting that Britian could find its own refugees – thankyou very much! Intending to go to the source of refugees and find the best ones -preferably anti euro ones, who had stayed behind because the last thing they want is to be part of Europe! Euro-sceptics in the government were content in the knowledge that any refugees taken in by the English part of the British Leadership would first be vetted for their UKIP sympathies, then offered British only visas at a yet to be disclosed non-european price.
Dredging for Britain!
Yetserday’s minutes from Parliament clarifyied that the government’s slim majority is held together by a Conservative manifesto pledge to dredge the English Channel until it is deeper than the world record Marianas Trench. Expanding on the expansion of the distance between Britain and Europe, conservative planners will soon unveiled a vision for removing the topsoil of England from the sea bed beneath in order to drift the entire British Isles further out into the Atlantic, where they can host as many American Military bases and nuclear armaments as the nation’s hot air suspension system will allow.
Hospital Staff Shortages seen as sign of business success!
Business leaders have come out in support of Bed Staff and financial shortcomings in the nation’s hospitals today, saying that this is a sign of an improving economy in the medical industry. Not having enough trained staff may be largely down to underfunded Nursing Colleges, but staff shortages also indicate a growing market in private health care that could quickly expand into the vacuum left by an under resourced national health care system, a new studies by the IPPI (the Institute Paid for by Private Industry) claims.
Oldest Reigning Monarch Exceeds all Expectations!
The end of Britain’s oldest current King or Queen is nigh, but still awaits further Helen Mirren adaptations to be spun out to Hollywood before she feels ready to retire . Her Madge intends to go out with a bang along with one of the largest inherited fortunes in the country – left intact by more than a dozen different parliaments who one after another fawned disgracefully at her feet for the entirety of her reign. All for want of a horse! Or at least an OBE…
(bet I’m not getting one – ed.)
My Day Off -the 15 minute series of humorous monologues by Mac Dunlop – joins Cornwall’s the Source Fm, along with London’s Resonance FM
Listen in online at London’s Resonance FM 96.1 every Monday night at 10pm
or every Wednesday afternoon at 1:45pm on Cornwall’s The Source FM
if you can’t tune in, the first three episodes are available here
episode 1
episode 2
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Listen in on London’s Resonance FM 96.1 every Monday night at 10pm
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NO UKIP campaign to start with itself, leader claims!
UKIP senses that it’s greatest strength is in it’s complete isolation from everything else, and so a decision has been agreed by it’s owner to stand alone aside and say “No to Britain!” The Last Farage spoke on the subject recently realizing he hadn’t had much media coverage since giving up at the last election. “We’re not an island for no reason!” said the UKIPPITTY Leader at the launch of a new range of very short neckties – catering for the growing market in fashion for the double chinned – yesterday. In his first appearance since total defeat at the last election, Mr. F-of -U-KIP told this tissue paper: “These continental ties have to be cut in order for our country to maintain it’s island roots, especially in the face of a rising tide of floods of swarms of plagues of other people trying to get in because they think I must make sense to a lot of people!”
He then symbolically cut his own necktie even shorter, daring David Cameraman and other defeated party leaders to do the same.
PM Cam and PMT wife Sam were caught up in the waves of emotion overspilling a Cornish beach where recent storm sewers have emptied vast quantities of Newquay effluent into the seaside paradise. Having survived many a shit storm in his time, the nation’s answer to slicked down hair and Elvis impersonators stood proudly on the beach in a wetsuit impregnated with security personnel trying to make enough space for the Cameroons to sit on a towel and eat sand crusted ice cream while talking sagely to each other about the weather: ‘It isn’t the same as last year, but it never is though is it dear? I suppose… but it’s such a shame for families who are too afraid to leave this country and go on holiday somewhere else isn’t it? Mmmm, yes dear… shall we share a pasty now for the cameras? Oh yes! I do so want to keep the local economy afloat – so to speak – at least for the duration of this photo shoot!”
Amputating the waste that hospitals around the country generate each year has become a focus of attention for the rudely healthy Chancellor of the Exchequer. Closing down the NHS is one option being considered by Whitehall Mandarins who don’t fall ill very often and therefore see no reason why other people can’t follow their example. With nothing much happening over the summer months, the national hell’s service has been wheeled out for private health providers to pillory and attack until the House of Commons re-sits in September, when it will come together over the issue and debate new and innovative ways of making every citizen’s life more uncomfortable and insecure.
Aware that the Russian and United States Empires are only a few miles apart in places, Obamawhammaflimflam flew into the polar region today to rename a mountain with it’s original name. On arrival, the Great Prez promised to do everything he could to show Russia that they weren’t the only Empirical Nation serious about screwing up the fragile arctic habitat as it’s protective shield of ice melts away. Canada for it’s part has also turned it’s attention north, hoping to make an even bigger mess that can be seen from space than the tar sands projects being largely abandoned further south as fossil fuel investment money has been evaporating for sometime in the land of ice and yellow snow.
With nothing to do in the Caliphate since murdering and displacing everyone they didn’t like the look of, ISIS architects have turned their attention to old fashioned ruins. One town planner said of their recent ruining of ruins, “These Temples may have stood the test of time, but this is the 21st Century after all, and even ruins need updating! I mean these were world heritage sites from before the days of dynamite, and that is so like you know, not very ‘now’ at all!”
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