POLITOONS #15 The hangover from holiday special

NO UKIP campaign to start with itself, leader claims!

UKIP senses that it’s greatest strength is in it’s complete isolation from everything else, and so a decision has been agreed by it’s owner to stand alone aside and say “No to Britain!” The Last Farage spoke on the subject recently realizing he hadn’t had much media coverage since giving up at the last election. “We’re not an island for no reason!” said the UKIPPITTY Leader at the launch of a new range of very short neckties – catering for the growing market in fashion for the double chinned – yesterday. In his first appearance since total defeat at the last election, Mr. F-of -U-KIP told this tissue paper: “These continental ties have to be cut in order for our country to maintain it’s island roots, especially in the face of a rising tide of floods of swarms of plagues of other people trying to get in because they think I must make sense to a lot of people!”
He then symbolically cut his own necktie even shorter, daring David Cameraman and other defeated party leaders to do the same.

PM in Cornish Sewage shocker!

PM Cam and PMT wife Sam were caught up in the waves of emotion overspilling a Cornish beach where recent storm sewers have emptied vast quantities of Newquay effluent into the seaside paradise. Having survived many a shit storm in his time, the nation’s answer to slicked down hair and Elvis impersonators stood proudly on the beach in a wetsuit impregnated with security personnel trying to make enough space for the Cameroons to sit on a towel and eat sand crusted ice cream while talking sagely to each other about the weather: ‘It isn’t the same as last year, but it never is though is it dear? I suppose… but it’s such a shame for families who are too afraid to leave this country and go on holiday somewhere else isn’t it? Mmmm, yes dear… shall we share a pasty now for the cameras? Oh yes! I do so want to keep the local economy afloat – so to speak – at least for the duration of this photo shoot!”

Hospitals to Close Purse String Operating Costs in Emergency Surgery Plans

Amputating the waste that hospitals around the country generate each year has become a focus of attention for the rudely healthy Chancellor of the Exchequer. Closing down the NHS is one option being considered by Whitehall Mandarins who don’t fall ill very often and therefore see no reason why other people can’t follow their example. With nothing much happening over the summer months, the national hell’s service has been wheeled out for private health providers to pillory and attack until the House of Commons re-sits in September, when it will come together over the issue and debate new and innovative ways of making every citizen’s life more uncomfortable and insecure.

Obama watches Ice melt in Alaskan foray to welcome oil platforms drilling near refuge.

Aware that the Russian and United States Empires are only a few miles apart in places, Obamawhammaflimflam flew into the polar region today to rename a mountain with it’s original name. On arrival, the Great Prez promised to do everything he could to show Russia that they weren’t the only Empirical Nation serious about screwing up the fragile arctic habitat as it’s protective shield of ice melts away. Canada for it’s part has also turned it’s attention north, hoping to make an even bigger mess that can be seen from space than the tar sands projects being largely abandoned further south as fossil fuel investment money has been evaporating for sometime in the land of ice and yellow snow.

ISIS dismantle temple without planning permission

With nothing to do in the Caliphate since murdering and displacing everyone they didn’t like the look of, ISIS architects have turned their attention to old fashioned ruins. One town planner said of their recent ruining of ruins, “These Temples may have stood the test of time, but this is the 21st Century after all, and even ruins need updating! I mean these were world heritage sites from before the days of dynamite, and that is so like you know, not very ‘now’ at all!”