The end of year news flash in the pan edition!

Cosmic Hologram Claim!

Would-be-Scientists discover a Lie so big it can be seen from Space!

A trio of geeks who share the same bedroom in Wayzee Idaho have announced the discovery of a giant fib comparable in size to a Torontonian Mayor – Toronto is a surprisingly big frontier outpost in the former Dominion of Lower Canada. Traditionally known as Hog Town, Torontonian’s elected officials are allowed to smoke crack and run their own feifdoms… (er, that should read their own TV SHOWS” ed.) When the three nerds were quizzed on why they chose Toronto as their comparable metaphor for the biggest lie ever found, their tweet page read “Cuz TO’z the A-hole of the Cosmoz eh? LOL!” for which they duly were punished by their patriotic Hogtown parents. The Triage of WEEBS were then banned from watching porn on their X-bucks Nin-Son surround sound Playbahns in the swingers lounge of their parents penthouse magazine, and were grounded in the basement, where they were only allowed to watch low rez ‘human sandwich-ings’ on things they assembled out of kinder eggs. The Triangle of Goofs meanwhile were reportedly last seen on 4Chanz, undoing the zips of their sleeping bags, stroking their flashlights in the dark, and fantasizing about who – as opposed to what – they would like to do on their first date.

Top nation’s science deniers meanwhile have been forced to come to terms with the triple jerkoff’s discovery. Other Climate change denying scient-olog-ists in Utah have been asking giant internet richer-than-ever-thought-possible firms to pressure governments into revealing more information about this humungous falsehood involving our very existence, and insist that propaganda weaponry is brought to bear on distributing even more lies about the limits of human perception in the fast developing news world.

Living in the stoned age inspires Uruguay to legalize Hemp Hay!

A South American country has become the first to line up it’s drug policy with what people do anyway. Stripping ill got gains from illegal drug cartels and gangs with the stroke of a pen, the eyes and joints of passive weed smokers lit up around the world at the prospect of having somewhere nice to go, with something nice to do when you get there, that is really worth writing home about, if you can just keep it together, have you seen my pen ? Ohhh maannnnn…

Politoons recommends this Christmas Message from Tourettes Hero

Tourettes Hero says: “…the Queen will be broadcasting her Christmas Message to the nation. If you can’t wait that long, or if you’d like something a little different, here’s my brand new tic-inspired Christmas message. Sit back and enjoy it, and if you’ve got a cat, make sure they’re sitting comfortably too.”

one of the best Xmas messages ever, if you don’t enjoy it your cat probably will.

BTW don’t forget our 2nd Politoons Cartoon Caption Contest

and our next regular issue that comes out later this week,  featuring the Cosmic Hologram Claim by Scientists! Uruguay legalizes Hemp Hay! a Russian Sub breaks the Ice! and  more on that Selfie-d leader of free world getting caught in unwholesome threesome!

 remember,

you can follow Politoons by clicking on the Follow button or RSS feed option on the right of your screen

REMEMBER!

and if you want to or purchase anything, or have any questions or comments, do get in touch

 cheers, macd

(please ignore the adverts below)

Politoons Very Merry Contrary to the Xmas Plenary Issue

Politoons presents the Seasonally Adjusted Issues Issue

News flash: obit for Leon Kuhn, cartoonist Here

KIM PUTS DOWN UNCLE

Kim Dun Sushi, the young leader of Free North Korea has had his favourite Uncle put down, as he was very old and could no longer retrieve the young leader’s balls.

Having suspected his uncle of undermining him for some time – a half dug tunnel was discovered beneath the People’s Palace, and a large shovel was spotted entering his Aunt’s bedroom – Kim Iztu Young was forced to act before he could finalize his Christmas list, or buy any presents.

The young dictator was reported as saying “Not getting something for my Uncle should keep the economy from falling off a cliff until the new year!” He then went on to warn his wayward brother Kim Not Him, about coming home for Christmas, threatening to accuse him of something innocuous like being seen in a photograph near a glass of whiskey, or of feeding the palace cat dry kibble food instead of Mackerel and Seasoned Caper Kitty Lumps straight from the tin. Animal lovers around the world agreed that putting the mad uncle out of his misery was the only answer for the troubled young autocrat, and supported the editing of his Cat hating relations from North Korea’s all too short history, forever.

Worried that things were going from bad to worse in the world, the youngest great leader urged his country to create freezing temperatures in imitation of winter, as a way of preparing for the Heter-O-lympics in neighbouring Russia (land-of-the-recently-freed-Oligarchs).

And finally, that Selfie news update we promised you

Selfies Cannot Bring back the Dead, world leaders find!

Politoons has learned that British and US Leaders joined their Danish Counterpart in filming of a new series of BORGEN, the world record breaking Scandi-TV show at Nelson Mandela’s Memorial service. As the former Mr. Mandela is/was considered one of the greatest world leaders of all time, scriptwriters for the show decided to film on location in Africa during the dead man’s full state send-off this week. At the same time, plane loads of lesser world leaders were burning their way through the fragile Ozone layer in order to get there in time and take their own high powered selfies at the Funeral too.

As grief is something that world leaders regularly train themselves to be good at, the funeral of Nelson Mandela was an orgy of eulogization for the 60,000 South Africans who turned up to the stadium. As the sky opened and storm clouds rained down like metaphoric showers of tears, ordinary South Africans were forced to sit through hours of gushy sentiments from foreign politicians who overcome jet lag by standing in front of thousands of people and getting a powerful adrenal rush. Their only consolation was being able to boo and heckle their own Leader when he came to the stage and pretended to be a Deaf Language interpreter.

Mourning Artists also grieve over effect of Madiba death on media coverage and ratings!

Meanwhile, strangely sun-glassed media hate figures like Boner the Irish Rock star, photo-bombed anyone seen to be holding a phone at an awkward angle to their body and smiling at it. Other artists who couldn’t make it included Miley Cyrus, because her tongue has been super glued to the bottom of her chin ever since she simulated sex while being fully clothed, and was then declared MTV’s Artist of the year. The tongue faced starlet and her agents had to content themselves with the thought that swathes of teenage boys were ‘twerking the be-jesus’ out of their throbbing wrecking balls while remaining loyal fans.

Palin Patents Pal-oogle eyewear for Xmas!

For an older generation of adolescent middle aged metrosexual men, pining for the arousal initiated by the power suited visage of Margaret Thatcher, (also offered a state funeral by the Selfie obsessed British Leader mentioned above) there is a new XXXmas rated sex symbol in the shape of the former leader of Alaska, Sarah “I can see Russia from here!” Palin. Palin (no relation to Monty Python’s Michael Palin) has written an autobiography about the part she played in the original Christmas story. Historic evidence suggests this took place sometime before Christians had even been invented! Ms. Palin couldn’t attend the Mandela memorial either, because she was too busy trialing the prototype Googling Glass Headset. It incorporates a Pal-oogle app where users can download and relive Sarah’s once in a lifetime Vice presidential campaign. The softhead ware also includes data from a server farm where users can see for themselves how the Palin’s family have evolved from an era of near sainthood into one of notoriety as figureheads of the patriotically intolerant Boston Tea Party.

Don’t forget to enter Politoons 2nd Cartoon Caption Contest!

and look out for our next annual publication of cartoons and satire “The World of Humour Needs You!”

coming soon

cheers

macd

The bumper 2013 POlitOOns End of Year Annual!

It’s gotten to that time of year when Politoons  looks back from the edge of the precipice, and tries to figure out how the hell we got into this mess!  What with winter cheer and reminiscing as the snow falls, it’s sometimes difficult to remember just how far we’ve come – if only because our tracks have been hidden by the yellow stained drifts piling up behind us.

So, jumping back through the archive may shed a little light down the tunnel of time, casting a glow-stick view back through the tumultuous recent events of our age, as we hold up our tablet screens in an attempt to record everything as the future flashes by all too quickly.  (BTW don’t forget about our monthly cartoon caption contest!)

here’s some monthly highlights in our review of the year

Dateline January 5th, 2013

Remember the Falklands? “Don’t Cry for Me you flag waving colonialists!”, says Argentina President, Christina Kirchner as Britiain’s own Cam-man took on a slice of Antarctica to boot, handing the queen a perfect Jubilee gift:

Cam-Man looks deadpan as Ice Queen accepts QE Land

As a war of words erupts over the Falklands/Malvinas dispute in the south Atlantic, a penguin has been quoted as saying “The idea that we all fall over backwards when a helicopter passes over because we can’t help following it with our eyes is a myth!
Besides which, the islands you refer to are ours, we’ve been nesting peacefully there in our own guano for thousands of years – long before  David Attenborough planted spy cams in our nests…  ”

read full January story here

Dateline February 4th, 2013

A speedy adieu to Mr. Huhne

Then in February, there was that tale of Dick Dastardly, Chris Huhne, the speeding environment minister who lied and went to prison. However, we can all rest assured that a man of such talent has not been wasted, why he now writes regularly for the Guardian Newspaper! Bastion of honest opinion and reportage!

story link here

Dateline March 24th, 2013

AAA, the 4th emergency credit rating

As the economic dip turned into a double dip, then a triple dip, it now appears to have more ups and downs than a fun ride at Alton Towers. The British Prime Minister took to the airwaves to talk down talk of a downgrade in the UK’s international credit rating. “House Prices, low wages and regular bin collections are far more important than what foreign bankers think of us!” said the PM today on the Sir Marr Tomorrow show (based in an off shore broadcast haven somewhere near the palace of Westminster). “If worse comes to worse, the UK will take out a super injunction to stop all these ratings rumours about our economy which are in danger of spoiling everyone’s fond memories of the London Olympics, let alone the Queen’s speech in 3D!”

story link here

Dateline April 11th, 2013

Tragically, the government was forced to implement an emergency law

Emergency law used to recall Parliament!

So that MP’s could can claim expenses for discussing funeral arrangements for the mother of a famous arms dealer.

Which Politoons – because it couldn’t claim expenses –  decided to ignore, so lets move on…

editor: do you think you should explain that this was about the funeral of Margaret Thatcher?

writer: Don’t be ridiculous! Everyone knows she was Mark Thatcher’s Mum!

April story link here

Dateline May, 9th, 2013

The Queen’s Speech Bubble!

The queen and her loyal consort had a day out at (the) Lords, reading aloud the coalition government’s wish list for all things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small – unless they are Bulgarian or Romanian and fall ill while they’re over here legally.

read the full story here

Dateline June 6th, 2013

PM rues return to PMQ’s, and other news from recent political feuds 

David Cameron returns to Prime Ministers question time after 11 weeks, asking questions of the opposition party’s leadership in an attempt to deflect attention from the leadership of his own.  “I’ll ask the questions here!”… “Oh no you won’t!”… “Oh yes I will!”… “Oh no you…”

read the full June 2013 news here

Dateline July 10th,2013

Politoons publishes its first Education Supplement

Education Secretariat Mikhail Goves-a-chav leaked a new national curriculum to the press yesterday. Tightening his strangehold on the state sector, he has taken a lead in ensuring free schools look even groovier than ever to greying baby boomer Grandad’s who made ‘loads-a-money’ in the 80’s buying discounted shares from every national privatization going.

read the full July story here

Dateline August 16th 2013

in related news,

A level results spark New Baby Boom requirements for spare bedrooms

More babies are being born, which indicates sex traffic in the home is up around the country. Commentators are advising that more housing would be needed but the government wants to encourage poor people with extra bedrooms to offer them up as miniature day care centers to make up for the shortfall in housing benefit that those people have to compensate the government for.
Young parents who have no home of their own will be able to bring their children up during the day in a nearly local “extra bedroom nursery”. They can then pick the kids up after work and head off to queue for beds at the nearest night shelter.

read the full August story here

Dateline September 18th, 2013,

A time for realizing one’s perspective through personal reflection, and couch surfing

today’s message is all about choice!

A) you can choose to read about a high school student who doodles on her thighs:

B ) you can watch an analysis of deregulation and illegal conspiracies that affect the world economy.( click on the video at 16 minutes in, unless you want to watch the report on why the Brazilian president cancelled her meeting with Barack Obama)

C) you can choose both
or
D) none of the above

Dateline October, 3rd 2013

The Privateering Private Special!

A spokesperson for the queen – who is already part-privatized – said that her majesty is considering branding her Christmas speech to the nation this year. As she spoke to the media in front of backdrops covered in company logos, the queen said through her interpreter that she had come up with the idea after watching sports programs on television, especially those post match interviews where coaches and players are asked mundane questions in order to give air time to the brands who are paying top dollar for the advertising space in the background.

read more October news here

Dateline November 23rd,2013

50th anniversary of nostalgic assassination and near nuclear armageddon

Today, with so many momentus 50th anniversary occasions taking place – from Dead Kennedys to Dr. Whose – Politoons has decided to wreak it’s own devastating sense of nostalgia on the world of remembrance.

So here is a link to the extended sound byte known as HUMANITIES HISTORIES, a tuneful glow in the firmament of musical nostalgia and poetic injustice!

Humanities Histories

The whole race
Procreates
Like duty free
Primordial ooze
Snuck through customs
On a booze cruise…

read more November news here

Dateline December 7th,2013

Drones deliver goods for online retailers in world wide ‘hood!

Amazon and Google branched out into further automation than anyone wants or believes possible with the suggestion that in the future they will use drones to deliver such things as Google Glasses, and food groceries, as the idea of being book merchants and search engines finally gets left behind in their ‘do no evil’ quest for world domination.  Armed with driver-less vehicles, and being the go-to source for most of the information that governments collect about their citizens, the two interweb giants are fighting it out on their face pages, tweeting each other with flames, and sending armies of trolls out against each other, the size of which even J.R.R Tolkien*  could only ever dream about.

(*author of Lord of the Rings, not Flies)

read more of the scraps we can afford to throw into the Politoon piranah pond here. If you feel like dipping a toe in yourself do get in touch, (otherwise we recommend swaddling your foot in chain mail first).

Enjoy your Hol’s or your zero hour contract as best you can, and drop back anytime, we’re with you in spirit if not in government.

cheers,

BTW: The latest collection of Politoons and Satire “The World of Humour Needs you!” will be out after Xmas – (the perfect marketing strategy…not! say our editor)  meanwhile, you can always preview The Cod Philosophy of MacD – volume one which is still on sale online:

buy it online here and get an automatic 10% discount

The Second Politoons Cartoon Caption Contest

Welcome to

2nd Cartoon Caption Contest!

With the success of Alysa Golden’s award winning caption still making the typists quiver with excitement here at Politoons, it’s time to throw a fresh visual enigma out into the world wide web of wonder!  We’d also like to than the runner’s up from that very first Caption contest too.

So, here’s a fresh Modern Meme cartoon waiting for the right caption.

Let your imagination run wild and see what you come up with!

Just enter your name, email and caption in the comment or contact boxes below and show us  your funny side!

(click on the image to enlarge)

the winner will receive a signed glicee print of this cartoon complete with their winning caption, so good luck!

(if you want to know more about other cartoon caption competitions , try these: the new yorker, the boston globe, the humor times politoons very first caption contest

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you can follow Politoons by clicking on the Follow button or RSS feed option on the right of your screen

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and if you want to or purchase anything, or have any questions or comments, do get in touch

thanks for checking out the Politoons Second Cartoon Caption Challenge! cheers, macd

#1 Politoons Cartoon Caption Winner

Cartoon Caption Contest Winner announced!

First, a big thanks from Politoons to everyone who sent in their well thought through one liner.

Entries came from far and wide, and because the quality was so high, judging was difficult, so we decided to list four runners up and one overall winner.

After making as much of a big deal out of a great deal of soul searching as could be made (sleepless nights, hours of agonizing, sweat, blood, tears – not necessarily in that order…) the task of honing entries has been truly honed.

So first, here’s the shortlist of runners up:

from Chris: “Claws 2 Ready with the mouse”  – a little political perhaps? That’s the sort of thing we often go for at Politoons (we try to do exactly what it says on the tin!)

“Sorry I’m not living up to your expectations.” from drms – a nice twist balancing the wild and the everyday. ( actually, I suppose the ‘wild’ is everyday too?)

or Tom’s “Tiger, have you seen the mouse?” – ah the absent mouse! “The devil’s in the detail” as they say!

Then again, Dom, waxed more pragmatically about our modern -if a little distant- relationship with the natural world :

“What’s this about Monbiot’s “re-wilding” course? I’ll rip your throat out if you send me on that!”

Last but not least, Sheena proposed “That’s funny, my mouse was here yesterday … You have been imitating art again haven’t you, you little fur-ball?” drawing inspiration from elements of the drawing itself. (which is kind of the point I guess!)

And so thanks to everyone who took the time to think of a line, it’s been a joy to read them all. Hope you’re all feeling inspired enough to take part in the next Caption Contest that will be start tomorrow, and run over the Holiday Season!

But we had to stop somewhere, so just outside of Toledo… no, seriously: the winner of the first ever Politoons Cartoon Caption Contest is:

Alysa Golden’s  simple: “It’s spelled F.O.O.D.”

(Alysa has obviously been observing domesticated felines for many years)

politoons caption contest winner!

So well, done Alysa!

Your signed cartoon print with winning caption is already winging its way to you by recently privatized postal service.

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follow Politoons and Radio Politoons for regular updates, or leave a comment below, it’s always good to hear what you think, and

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if you want to commission or purchase anything, do get in touch using the comment box above.

cheers, macd

(all text and images © M. Dunlop 2013)

the latest news bites from the Piranah Pool at Politoons

Politoons Latest!

Madiba – a poetic requiem on the passing of Nelson Mandela

 

(cartoon caption contest winners to be announced tomorrow!)

Pre-Christmas sales lead us to believe Food books are outselling religious fiction in biblical proportions!

Black Friday pundits say that while this use of the word “black” may convey a negative stereotype, more crap was snapped up in consumer feeding frenzies this past post thanksgiving Friday, than ever before in the recorded history of Fridays!

After a long weekend of any leftovers being put back in the fridge, turkeys received some light relief as Americans put a temporary hold on annual poultry sacrifices – an age old tradition intended by America’s absent founding fathers to express their gratitude for the existence of unnaturally large breasts in their homeland.

Meanwhile UK shops convinced consumers that Xmas was coming early this year,  with the “no milk thankyou” Friday concept being imported from the US as part of ongoing negotiations linking free trade with consumer manipulation. Walltart  told the media outlets who they advertise with to leak adver-mation stories about the positive benefits of shopping during “on it’s own please” Friday, and going even further into debt earlier this year than usual.

Brit Power Floods China with Cheap UK Business Leaders

This came after news of the British PM’s recent successful trade mission to China, where they greeted him with folded armed guards, and  impatient foot tapping, asking him where the 45 million pounds worth of pig semen was, and why had he brought all his friends on a jolly with him instead?

World Cup draws FA chagrin as chairman’s throat cutting puts boot in

England’s national millionaire-only football team have been lucky enough to find themselves drawn in the “group of death” at next years world cup contest.  Far from being a throat cutting exercise by Greg -what do you mean use my finger?- Dyke, the new chairman of the sweet F.A.   English sport consumers are expected to  save thousands of pounds more than their European counterparts because they may well to be traveling home from Brazil much earlier. Leaving them with more time over the summer to spend  with the kids, and complain about how the Scottish people up north don’t want to live with them anymore.

Drones deliver goods for online retailers in world wide ‘hood!

Amazon and Google branched out into further automation than anyone wants or believes possible with the suggestion that in the future they will use drones to deliver such things as Google Glasses, and food groceries, as the idea of being book merchants and search engines finally gets left behind in their ‘do no evil’ quest for world domination.  Armed with driver-less vehicles, and being the go-to source for most of the information that governments collect about their citizens, the two interweb giants are fighting it out on their face pages, tweeting each other with flames, and sending armies of trolls out against each other that even J.R.R Tolkien*  could only ever dream about.

(*author of Lord of the Rings, not Flies)

Well, that’s all the food we can afford to throw into the Politoon piranah pond this week, if you feel like dipping a toe in yourself do get in touch, (otherwise we recommend swaddling your foot in chain mail first).

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follow Politoons and Radio Politoons for regular updates, or leave a comment below, it’s always good to hear what you think, and

REMEMBER!

if you want to commission or purchase anything, do get in touch using the comment box above.

cheers, macd

(all text and images © M. Dunlop 2013)

Green tax cash back is set back for those in poverty trap

Politoons update, 1-12-13

Working for benefits seen as a benefit for people who work for their benefits!

People who once thought that only getting a job would get them out of the poverty trap have been told that they will be charged for being in the poverty trap to begin with. Based on the perceived success of the Bedroom Tax – or the “spare room theory of extinction” as it is know at the Department of Work and Pensions – people in poverty must agree to pay a monthly charge out of whatever benefits they are eligible for if they insist on remaining poor. While leading government figures point the finger at immigrants and disloyal scottish people bent on destroying the empire, ministers without ports-in-a-storm are working behind the scenes to ensure no more lifeboats are left hanging over the side as we approach the iceberg of austerity, somewhere near the coast of Pain.

Environmentally, I’d say we’re FC-UKed!

says a leading calamity expert at a climate conference attended by 24,000 scientists, that the media pretended not to notice was going on recently.”Research shows that our entire economic paradigm is a threat to ecological stability.”

The British government has decided to take action by halving the implementation of energy saving projects aimed at the poorest energy users in the country, and using the word “crap” to describe any environmental action which doesn’t throw profits at the big 6 energy providers, while threatening the Levenson sanctioned information distribution agencies with a government clampdown if they don’t distribute more ‘adver-mation” – to give big business the leg over it needs in the this country to keep the home fires burning! (in the future anyone with a chimney and their own woodland to harvest will be laughing all the way to the online bit coin casinos).

Will the last person to leave the country try to switch on the lights, while ringing their energy supplier to ask for a cheaper deal?

Hey, don’t worry! Just because “some climate scientists are a little spooked by the radical implications of even their own research.” That doesn’t mean we all have to be!

After all, “Most of them were just quietly doing their work measuring ice cores, running global climate models and studying ocean acidification, only to discover, as the Australian climate expert and author Clive Hamilton puts it, that they “were unwittingly destabilising the political and social order”. Which means, that while things are FC-UKed, even climate scientists feel “we’re all in this together!”

(so let’s all snuggle up and try to keep each other warm!)

Q: “Did you see that disaster movie last night?”

A:”Wasn’t that the six o’clock news?”

that’s it for today’s Politoons update

cheery bye! x MacD

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just a thought

‘Whats on your mind?’

I can get stuck in the ‘prosthesis’ perception of technology, extension of the body, tool, etc. whereas in many ways, contemporary critique is positioned more centrally in the realm of ubiquity – ’emeshed’ if you will, more than embedded. So the psyche- which imagines and invents- feels it has always/already ‘absorbed’ the mechanism into the mind/body image of self, and contemplates the neural possibilities as internalized, not theoretic potentials.

Then again, maybe not… (further speculative reading)

 

 

follow Politoons and Radio Politoons for regular updates, or leave a comment below, it’s always good to hear what you think, and

REMEMBER!

if you want to commission or purchase anything, do get in touch using the comment box below.

cheers, macd