Space Wall to be paid for by Aliens!

American Presentident Donaldo Trump has confounded critics while amazing Star Wars fans that anything can get done while their government – like the United Kingdom’s –  appears to have ceased to exist.

Engaging with the enemy, Trump has moved his Wall into space, diverting funds from future Mars Exploration and subverting Congress in order to keep actual REAL aliens from immigrating  onto Earth without having first entered our orbit legally.

 

that’s it for this really great again news flash, more Politoons to follow

cheers

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Politoons February 2017 – The ‘Enough is Never Enough’ Issue

Last Sane Person Asked to Leave the White House!

In keeping with redefining journalists bent on seeking the truth as the new ‘enemies of the people’, newspeaking spokespeople for the Alt-Right House have rescinded the bus passes of older media organizations in favo(u)r of yo(u)ng upstart power ‘ho’s’ willing to promote the billionaire tax evading television reality star’s next series of re-truthings – a series of daily soap script pitches now being analysed by the Tea Party Senate for adherence to ‘truth, justice and the American way’. Once approved the highly detailed story lines will be used to construct a fly on the wall documentary about the Orange One’s first 100 days in office spent siphoning government funds into his various offshore franchises and business interests while deregulating Wall Street.

Britain finally figures out what Brexit means all by itself!

People all over the country watched two political election spin off dramas this week as UKIP un-picked itself from ever being elected to national office, the Labo(u)r party performed an emergency cesarean on itself and induced a panicky emergence of doubt amongst those who thought social justice meant agreeing with right wing Tories about leaving URUP while trying to make clear they intend doing so for very different reasons. The tactic has paid off according to recent reality opinion polls – formerly known as ‘by-elections’. “We knew thinking the same thing as the government but for different reasons would pay off eventually!” Said the Labo(u)r Monarch. “See how the people have decided things for the same reason by voting for them instead of us.” The Labo(u)ring Labo(u)r leader waved goodbye from his socialist state allotment, pointing to the the spade he had taken out of the shed to continue to ‘dig for Britain’ as the hole increased in size around him.

Brexperts predict Brexit soon to Brexist as the only BreSingularity!

“Brexit means we will do little else but talk about Europe even though the majority of the country thought they had voted by a huge majority for us to shut up about it!” The Prime Minister explained from her new bastion of Copeland where the last 80 years of political history vanished into the past – just like all the others. “Now we don’t have to focus on the failing NHS, slipping School Standards, Poverty, Disability Rights and all the other negative stories the Fake News Press *(*see Last Sane Person to Leave White House story above) have been touting to anyone old enough to buy a newspaper!” She said to rapturous applause before returning to her armoured car. “Let us now focus our attention and pool our resources around our overriding prejudices against anyone from neighbouring countries, near or far…” She said, sucking in her breath and pointing at her Just About Coping Squeezed Middle before muttering  “…which may soon include Scotland…” As she returning to London to cat sit for the House of Lords while it tried to make sense of how the political landscape had changed.

EXUKIP Leader insists leaving Europe will trigger mass immigration into the UK!

Meanwhile in the UKIP heartland of a motorway services, former leader of the free world Nige Farago made his pledge to the people of Britain to remove windmills from the countryside and make Britain Great again. Although not leader of anything now, the non-leader insists that the party he doesn’t lead anymore will – if elected –  build a wall to stop anyone leaving because triggering article 50 and the process of leaving Europe -which he had always desired – will mean an increase in immigration into the UK which he has always been against.  “Let me leave you with this final question” said the non-politician as he got in his car “How far up the road do I have to go before I can turn around and travel back down the way I really want to go?”

that’s it for this week’s news

but that’s not all – by any means necessarily!

newtate-2017-macd-s

“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.
 
Merch!
Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!
Politoons T-shirts, cups, tea towels, cards and other fascinatingly prescient merchandise is available from Politoons.co.uk, send us a comment or email ‘info at politoons.co.uk’ and we’ll send you the vital statistics – ed.

 
 
 
 

POlitOons The First Issue-Elect of 2017

Continental Driftz A new experimental poetry podcast on the theme of Europe featuring MacD MCMC Spoken, Will Salter, and Drewzy and the Robot.
Check out more audio satire at politoon’s own podcasting portal

Now you may begin…

News Flash! Official Reprieve From Barrack the Merciful:

Chelsey Manning,  granddaughter of long buried stand up guy Bernard, was once a Premier League football team before becoming the beneficiary of Pre-Trump President B.Omb-ama’s merciful beneficence. With a reprieve set to mark the anniversary of the release of ‘Please Release Me’ by the previously unreleased Gang of Four, Bernard Manning’s granddaughter will no longer live in isolation from the rest of the world for the crime of wanting to share.

 

Brexperts prepare for Crash Test Dummy survival outside Europe!

Teresay May or may not have decided on what Brexit means, but this week has told the world what she can about the ‘Brrrr’ in Brrrexit. Using notes scribbled hastily on the scalps of her Three Brexiteers (One’s for Out and Out’s for One!) Tee’s Maid-en speech embarked into the unknown without fear, prejudice or knowledge to hinder her negotiating team’s rodeo ride into the unregulated world economy. Boris ‘I-coulda-bin-a-contender’ Johannson, explorer of vast quantities of empty space in search of power, has paid off civil servants whose advice he considers to be below common EU standards. His ministerialship has sent them packing and into retirement secured with hush money clauses and no guaranteed right of entry back into anything except a soon to be cancelled local bus service if they show their senior (nonEU) citizen’s card.

Artistic innovative collaboration seen as dramatic re-invention of contemporary Archeological sites!

Dateline Alleppo: The east of the city has been metaphorically reunited with it’s Abyssyrian ancestral burial grounds thanks to the new sculptural installation work of phycho-demented co-blabative artists Assid and Pubeskin. The collaborating state artists have created a mock up of the early millenial carpet bombed city of Grozny from the distant past of the early naughties, and transferred an exact replica to this modern Syrian city.

“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.

 

Merch!

Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!

Politoons T-shirts, cups, tea towels, cards  and other fascinatingly prescient merchandise is available from Politoons.co.uk, send us a comment or email ‘info at politoons.co.uk’ and we’ll send you the vital statistics – ed.

 

 

 

 

president defect calls for nation to come together

 

Politoons #20 The Not The Climate Change Issue!

No Trump is Madness!

A satirist think tank claimed that denying Donald J. Trump media space was robbing the humor industry of one of it’s main sources of income. “Satirical commentary is lost without the concept of someone like Trump at it’s heart.” said a confused funny person with deadlines to meet and too many surreal cynical things to come up with. Experts suggest that overexposure and the pressure to be seen to be doing something different from everyone else is forcing editors to insist that their satire departments – mostly interns doing work experience – avoid writing about Trump because he is already a walking lampoon. There is also growing concern that old fashioned newspaper print firms are running out of orange hair dye ink.

“Trump is a towering figure in the world of caricature, and cynical writers of American Politics should play to their strengths”, said a British Chancellor of the Exchequer before insisting this reporter add the cliche: “Britain is fixing the roof while the sun is shining!” The said Chancellor of the Exchequer -who is expected to become Britain’s first Chancellor of the Excontactless card for a trial period sometime in the new year – is rumoured to have told aides that being the butt of nose-butt jokes had troubled his dark soul for some time, however the load of caricature seems to have eased considerably since the Trump phenomenon stepped down from reality television and into people’s daily lives. Donaldo’s window of opportunity to go quietly before being pushed is now widely expected to be delayed until sometime after the American Residential Defections next year.

Care Home investors Care Less for Profit!

Pensioners are being encouraged to dip into their honey pots to sweeten life in old age, when they might need a spare room of their own. “Preparing for the future is the best way of securing the now!” said a bright spark sales rep at the “Beds In Old Folks Homes” (BIOF Homes) time share convention taking place near Flipside Majority, somewhere on the Tory Margins of Cameroon Keynes. Spokespersons say that investors can start small with a buy-to-let bed pan scheme and expect an immediate return on their excretion. Stock markets have risen in expectation of huge pensioner funds dumping their investments into the UK’s ageing Care Less Homes sector.

“Worrying people about the death of the NHS before their own demise has brought untold billions in questionable investments!” said a person counting the money at the BIOF Homes Conference ‘Hello’ badge collection point.

One automated ad campaigner who cold called me this morning, saying they had been trying to contact me regarding a recent injury claim made the case for the BIOF of Care Homes:”Profit from others now, and secure your own ailing self-care plan against the threat of future bed blockers already putting pressure on the underfunded Nonsense of Health Service and other crumbling social care facilities! To find out more press the star button now.”

Increase in MindLESSness linked to MindFULLness says expert thinker Dr. Lovejoy!

 

Reminded that the adult craze for their own coloring-in books is on the wane since no one showed up to shop on Black Friday, overweight consumers are turning to the expanding online market in things that take your mind off things – previously considered the preserve of  8 year olds and under. Marketing expert Lotti Boulshitze of the ‘What the dot dot dot” institute for consumer awareness says “this years craze for ‘the child inside’ gifts is popular because everyone wants to get back to a time when they weren’t necessarily responsible for making the world a better place, or for cleaning their own room”.

Seasonal spikes in calendar related consumer spending events such as Coca Cola’s sponsored “Christmas time” are considered to be the perfect moment for mature people to express their inner child’s desire to return to simpler times. “Christmas reminds us that there were times in history when things were as easy as: “Star, manger, immaculate conception – hey presto, Jo’s your uncle!”

FaceCrook under fire as hidden corporate tax receipts found in newborns daughter’s disposable diapers!

MZ and partner undertook their accountwat’s advice and set up an offshore hedge fund in their daughter’s name, making it look like they were giving away all their money instead of paying taxes. Many people realised later that their privacy settings had been changed, and found the loving “Rich beyond our Wildest Dreams!” couple staring back at them from a 3 hour U tube video explaining their tax avoidance plans to an unwanted and uncaring public.

International Finance Report

Analysts poured over the figures of a recent released Pirrelli calendar and found that some of the glossy photos indicate a model of corporate fraud that even professional photographers don’t understand. Seasonal props in the Pirrelli account of time in the future show that February next year is earmarked for there to be hardly anything worth wearing.

 

Cards? You want Cards? Sure you do!

Paintings? You want Paintings? Sure you do!

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Polit00ns: the “WAR – uhn! – what is it good for?” issue #19

Great Content As Government Forces Bomb Imaginary Opposition!

Waiting in the wings of an aircraft hanger full of British Dissident forces loyal to un-democracy, a larger than expected contingent of self proclaimed “Labourious Children of Benn” found their way back from the lost gardens of political oblivion to address the use of history to justify become part of it by citing precedents such as statues of  Bomber Harris, and the wholesale destruction of European populations and their dictators During WWII.

Pretending that there is some point to being anything other than completely anarchist about being in government, the free thinking majority of UK MP’s decided to send the entire British Air Force – Three planes and a guide dog – to fly the friendly skies over Syria and bomb enemy oil fields while everyone else on the planet meets in Paris to talk about ending our dependency on fossil fuels.

Paris Talks Agree To Bomb Refugees To Justify Arresting Global Warming!

With walking in Paris made illegal unless accompanied by a Gendarme or a diplomatic passport, those who are acting to change the global attitude that “What’s good for the economic climate has got to be good for the planetary one!” are ignored by governments pressing ahead with putting bombs and war high up the ranking of most global twitter feeds.

Hollywood Joins Escapist Trends And Updates Robinson Crusoe As A Modern Day Climate Refugee Love Story!

Missions to Mars notwithstanding the latest Hollywood blockbuster based on escaping a dying planet only to land on one that looks like a bombed Syrian Cit, have become all the rage. It is estimated that big movie spectacles help displace citizen anxiety about what is happening in the real world, relieving audiences of taking responsibility for the question: “How can we leave the Earth in such appalling condition for the children of the future?”

Writers Of Headlines Don’t Make Sense As Everyone Races To Bomb Things In The Desert Again!

Poverty, and gun crime take second page space as even Yankee nut-jobs who shoot the be-jezus out of disabled people in Care Centers and pregnant women in Family Planning Units can’t stay on the front pages for long. “Being a psychopath used to be a hell of a lot easier than this!” said one hostage taking nihilist before being shot dead by robo-cop while having the car keys extracted from her cold dead hands. Even police officers shooting innocent people on the basis of their skin colour can’t maintain headline space for long without quickly being shunted down the twitter feeds of major news organizations soon after their crimes and the calls for more gun control have been heard.

Charles Manson, famed for both killing people and inspiring Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys has lamented the end of the good old boy days from his honeymoon cottage somewhere on the edge of the American Penal System. “For me it was more about making friends and influencing people, but nowadays scratching a swastika into your forehead and claiming to be jesus just doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. Look at what’s happened to the Yorkshire Ripper, I mean if people don’t think he’s a crazy fucker, what chance have the rest of us got?”

Hardened Murderers And Violent Criminals To Be Sent To Middle East To Create 70,000 Strong Ground Force To Make War Game Fantasy Into Desert Shit Storm Reality!

Having won the commons battle to send planes to bomb Syria so it looks like the UK is doing something to help it’s middle east bombing allies, the UK government is now said to be focusing on creating the 70,000 rebel fighters loyal to the Queen that it desperately needs on the ground so it doesn’t end up in a Blairite “Weapons of Mass Destruction” fiasco before the publication of the Chilcott Enquiry. Chilcott estimates that his dog eared dossier will go to press either before the end of the 21st century, or a 4 degrees Celsius temperature rise in the warming of planet Earth – whichever comes first.

Well, that’s if for another fun packed issue counting the shopping days left before the end of time.
Don’t’ forget about the Exhibition of new works on canvas by MacD (signed and for sale) The Enigma’s Progress at Jam Records, Falmouth

And you can still order copies of The Enigma Deviations – a collection of Politoons best cartoons of the year
Just get in touch with us here at our press facility:
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POLITOONS #15 The hangover from holiday special

NO UKIP campaign to start with itself, leader claims!

UKIP senses that it’s greatest strength is in it’s complete isolation from everything else, and so a decision has been agreed by it’s owner to stand alone aside and say “No to Britain!” The Last Farage spoke on the subject recently realizing he hadn’t had much media coverage since giving up at the last election. “We’re not an island for no reason!” said the UKIPPITTY Leader at the launch of a new range of very short neckties – catering for the growing market in fashion for the double chinned – yesterday.  In his first appearance since total defeat at the last election, Mr. F-of -U-KIP told this tissue paper: “These continental ties have to be cut in order for our country to maintain it’s island roots, especially in the face of a rising tide of floods of swarms of plagues of other people trying to get in because  they think I must make sense to a lot of people!”
He then symbolically cut his own necktie even shorter, daring David Cameraman and other defeated party leaders to do the same.

PM in Cornish Sewage shocker!

PM Cam and PMT wife Sam were caught up in the waves of emotion overspilling a Cornish beach where recent storm sewers have emptied vast quantities of Newquay effluent into the seaside paradise. Having survived many a shit storm in his time, the nation’s answer to slicked down hair and Elvis impersonators stood proudly on the beach in a wetsuit impregnated with security personnel trying to make enough space for the Cameroons to sit on a towel and eat sand crusted ice cream while talking sagely to each other about the weather: ‘It isn’t the same as last year, but it never is though is it dear?  I suppose… but it’s such a shame for families who are too afraid to leave this country and go on holiday somewhere else isn’t it? Mmmm, yes dear… shall we share a pasty now for the cameras? Oh yes! I do so want to keep the local economy afloat – so to speak – at least for the duration of this photo shoot!”

Hospitals to Close Purse String Operating Costs in Emergency Surgery Plans

Amputating the waste that hospitals around the country generate each year has become a focus of attention for the rudely healthy Chancellor of the Exchequer.  Closing down the NHS is one option being considered by Whitehall Mandarins who don’t fall ill very often and therefore see no reason why other people can’t follow their example. With nothing much happening over the summer months, the national hell’s service has been wheeled out for private health providers to pillory and attack until the House of Commons re-sits in September, when it will come together over the issue and debate new and innovative ways of making every citizen’s life more uncomfortable and insecure.

Obama watches Ice melt in Alaskan foray to welcome oil platforms drilling near refuge.

Aware that the Russian and United States Empires are only a few miles apart in places, Obamawhammaflimflam flew into the polar region today to rename a mountain with it’s original name. On arrival, the Great Prez promised to do everything he could to show Russia that they weren’t the only Empirical Nation serious about screwing up the fragile arctic habitat as it’s protective shield of ice melts away. Canada for it’s part has also turned it’s attention north, hoping to make an even bigger mess that can be seen from space than the tar sands projects being largely abandoned further south as fossil fuel investment money has been evaporating for sometime in the land of ice and yellow snow.

ISIS dismantle temple without planning permission

With nothing to do in the Caliphate since murdering and displacing everyone they didn’t like the look of, ISIS architects have turned their attention to old fashioned ruins. One town planner said of their recent ruining of ruins, “These Temples may have stood the test of time, but this is  the 21st Century after all, and even ruins need updating! I mean these were world heritage sites from before the days of dynamite, and that is so like you know, not very ‘now’ at all!”

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Politoons, issue #13: WTF? oh yeah, I heard about that…

Wake Up! My Day Off is screaming at you:

“There, stewing like hot plated sovereigns in dish shaped bowls of cratered earth I gathered crops of tooth paste and floss into mouthfuls of saliva and spat them out like so much discarded conversation.”

(an excerpt from episode 8 of My Day Off – episode 5 goes out this Monday at 10pm on London’s Resonance FM)

Meanwhile, back in reality…

The Queen’s Palace Dream is a Nightmare in Waiting:

Don’t worry though. El Queeno – the strange annual effect of dominion over the pacified nations of the formerly wave ruling United Kingdom has influenced government weather formations enough to exponentially increase the income of the wealthiest monarch in the country (well, the only one…) Meanwhile simultaneous tax credit subtraction from people who can’t afford to pay tax is being used to feather her highness’s nest. Equality has officially become something that Old Etonians can discuss over quail eggs and caviar without fear of revolution, as they bemoan the loss of empire that had previously banished the unruly or unkemp to some far flung corner of the globe – Happy Birthday Magna Carta!

Health Self-Service Sound Byte says Minister:

Meanwhile sickness is rife in the health service, where illness is being singled out by the Minister for Health PLC. “Look” says he of the needlessly unsympathetic when confronted by advisors,  “I’ve sent you a letter saying shut up or take early retirement. You can’t have both so if you don’t like it, choose your weapons now!”

250 thousand people can’t be wrong:

Protesters in London scratched at the surface of what is wrong with Britain when they said enough was enough and waited for the Prime Minister to admit he’d got it wrong on pretty much everything. Even the Prime Minister was forced to admit he was wrong about one thing: that 5 years ago,  even he never imagined that the Conservative Party could have gotten away with it.

It’s Official – English Women ARE Better at Footie than English Men:

In football news, no one noticed that England was doing well for once, because it was the woman’s team. England’s Women made it into the quarter finals of the world cup before the men did (in fact no British men’s team has ever managed to qualify for any women’s world cu). Given that the world cup is taking place in the colonies anyway, it is expected that no one will notice unless the English Lionesses come back with a nice shiny cup, or failing that, a series of leaks about performance enhancing drug use. The media waits with baited breath and potential hash tag news feed space – largely because football is more popular than other drug sports like cycling and distance running in the battle of  between media sexists and media sexiness.

International Invasions Invasive, study finds:

In other invasions this week Saudi Arabia has bombed the living spit out of its neighbour Yemen, while Syria and Iraq are still considered fair game as far as dropping anything that goes ‘boom’ goes.

And that’s about it, for this week’s important “WTF” moments of modern history. Apart from Presidents using the N word obviously, and petrol heads continuing to profit from the most over priced form of racing in human history (as Formula 1 popularity begins to sag, it is time to sell sell sell!)

 

Good luck with your sweet dreams, and don’t forget to tune into the “splendidly idiosyncratic” My Day Off on Radio Resonance FM 104.4 in London, or live on your wet dream webstream. Monday Nights, 22:00 hr GMT +1
cheers for now,
x macd

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From Beer to Maternity – the voice recognition tissue, Politoons 2015 #12

Cam flim flams over Brexit ‘frendum plans

With the world about to implode over the outcome of the latest British election results that have been dragged out for the entire month of May, Government officials have offered people who live here no say in what happens when it comes to being part of where they came from to get here.  Confusing the electorate with ideas about what constitutes living in Britain besides living in Britain, the governing class plans to hold a referendum election quickly in the hope that it will be over before you know it.

Junker Dives in for Battle of Britain Referend-i

Jea n Claude Junker – not seen in the skies over theUK since the Battle of  Britain seventy-five years ago – will be having tea with the Prime Minister to discuss their checkered history at Checkers this week. Having temporarily forgiven the PM for trying to have him thrown into prison on charges of being European at the height of British Un-Influence over European policy a few years ago, the Euro-chief has brought a packed lunch peace offering along with a flask full of bile for the two bleeders to share over a pot of uranium flavoured tea hand picked by KGB assassins, much favoured as a relaxant by the government’s patrolling elite.

“Gay coupling no longer a longing” say Celtic Tiger matrimony compliance office

Positing afresh the conundrums that Popes have kept hidden under their vestments for centuries, the world became a safer place for Guinness loving similar sex couplings this week as everyone in the land was able to express their thoughts without fear of being told to leave the country and go live somewhere else if they don’t like it. The tide of “marriage is too good for them” sentiment around the world has suffered a blow not seen since the last time a bunch of people got off their butts and said “Enough is enough, this Madness has to end!” (BTW not Madness of the “Our House/It Must be Love, Love, Love” variety, ed.)

Nostalgia Hits Pain Barrier as US/Russian relations seek counseling to avoid international breakup

With Prezzies Putin and Obama both facing criticism from Sir John McCain of the Couldn’t be more Right Wing if we tried campaign for failed presidential contenders, International lawyers are raking it in while working on the divorce papers being filed with the International Court of Human Flight.  With more people trying to get somewhere on the planet that they’re not supposed to be than ever before in the history of human migration since the dawn of humanity, the two biggest Nuclear ARSEnalated powers in the world are in a stand off about sitting on the fence when it comes to the big picture that needs a new frame and a bigger wall to hang the bugger on. More updates to follow as no-one wants to talk about this issue too much while the proxi wars are taking place in the Middle Bleasdon desert, where everyone watches on in horror as people who make horror take over many of the oil fields eroding our beloved carbon neutral future.

IDS warns DLS of disquiet over anagram similarities

£12 Billion Welfare Cuts will create many new slices of the same old pie says IDS from his Westminster bunker.  Sounding more Churchillian everyday, the quiet man of British Cruelty has little sympathy to spare – much less cash – for the lowly low paid and downtrodden who carpet the paving stones around number 10 Downing Street like discarded Ministerial chewing gum.  Given that IDS PLC had no idea he would still be in the post elected Cabinet, it’s no surprise that Mr. IAM Dunkin’ Smithereens (Minister with responsibility for Pain Barriers) has quickly cobbled together an unworkable policy based on his previously unworkable policies made during the previously un-voted-for government.

Paul McCartney changes his name to MACCA by dead poll

For some time in the 1960’s it was rumoured that ex Cavern Club regular Sir Paul McCartney had died or been killed by a mysterious song writing bug that had bitten him in childhood. His increasingly fractious relationship with everyone around him pushed him toward carrying on as long as possible with a series of hits unparalleled in the music industry by any other left handed bass player. Now in his eighties and with several marriages behind him, the man who inspired “I buried Paul” when the white album was played backwards, and who was assumed to be a robot or an imposter for much of his career has proved that fans stick to you like glue and often come away all sticky and wet when you try to peel them off.
Selling out Wembley while reportedly still alive, Sir P set the fireworks rolling as the stadium filled with Dad Rock and the world of twitter was instantly populated with thousands of badly lit selfies.

Labour on Maternity Leave confused with Political Opposition in Hospital Case!

Former Scottish Labour politicians have found their road to redemption blocked by party plans to back a referendum on a united kingdom sounding as if it is closely linked to the so called Union Movement. Emergency Services were recently called to the border with Scotland to offer shelter to fleeing former Labour MP’s.  A Scottish MP labour camp has been built close to Gretna Green, former home of quick marriages of convenience and political elopement close to the unprotected border with Scotland, formerly a land that hosted a majority Labour ethnic community. Dozens of former MP’s have fled the far north of the Island in the hope of seeking refuge in southern Labour Party strongholds in the slightly less further north of the same Island.

UKIP Flip flopping fillip blip, as Farage faces Barrage of re-assignation quips.

Denying that he had anything to do with himself when he resigned after the failed election campaign, UKIP’s former present leader presented his case to the media yesterday, insisting that they instead had a case to answer. Slamming his own case down on the table really hard Nigel went on to say:  “We’re leaving Europe and everything and anyone else that tries to tell you different  is nothing more than part of a stitch up conspiracy by vested interest in this country of two or three real countries that I care about passionately and want to change in many ways while turning back the clock in many others.”

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POlitOOns April Issue 2015, #10

Anti-Gay Gay Laws Gunned down by Rifle Association Lobby in Foyer of Religious Senior Living Homes!

Discrimination has recriminations for retro-fitted equality legislation as worrying signs of idiocy resurface in American Culture yet again. Without thinking it through, some knee jerk states have asserted their fifth column amendment rights to freedom of stupidity and disqualified themselves from being nice to others on religious grounds. Outside one church built to withstand the second coming, a well armed pastor rebuked suggestions that they were racist homophobes with nothing better to do than complain that everyone else is not an exact clone of their mother.

Loneliness seen as next social status to receive government research funding says study into the best things to say if you want to make any applications for funding!

New studies indicate that instant communication has replaced less instant communication that can take days. While people want to show how appreciative they are of others who spend ridiculous amounts of time on meaningless status updates, they do not want to have to wait around impatiently for long periods, waiting for what they’ve just posted to come up on their screens. “Ideally, the insignificant thing you want to say should arrive in your in box before you send it.” says an expert who spends a lot of time online and is only available through Skype.

Teachers take on jobs as part time politicians in parliamentary education shake up!

Secretary for Everything-that-is-wrong-with-this-country, Cleric Pickles, has told dog walkers that they could soon be fined for using unregistered leads and dog collars as the government promises to get tough on pets and tough on the causes of pets.

We can’t possibly say what we’re planning because we have no planning permission! says Tory Election Strategist

Bill Rights, the government salaried whimsicalist says “There is nothing like presenting your policies in the clearest possible manner, but we as a government need to sort out some copyright issues before publishing our ideas for the future now. Besides… Bill went on to say “…the less we say, the better we do!”

Plane Chem Trails Pale in Plain Sight Oversight!

An airplane carrying the hopes and dreams of a generation has been lost in the fog of anti European sentiment say airport officials who cannot get work permits to fly beyond the end of the landing strips of major transport hubs. With the wheels coming off the undercarriage of polluting the planet using gas guzzling jet engines at high altitude, airport duty free tax inspectors have decided to impose new queues and confusion on their paying customers during the busiest times in the air industry calendar.

Famous People Dying Unnecessarily say Obituary experts!

“More than average famous people are dying every week, and government statistics are powerless to stop it!” Said someone in a tweet sent around the world becuase the writer felt bored. Other commentators expanded on the subject saying that “If even mostly famous people can’t live forever, then what chance have the rest of us got?” Later editions of the hashtag controversy included the thoughts of anonymous users who can easily be tracked by government agencies, or even private corporations that are willing to spend some of their fat cat billions on watching insignificant others express themselves through the pooh storm of interwebbery that passes for human intimacy these days.

England nearly Play Football after Cricket disaster and Murray Fury at Golf’s Masters creates blurry word slurry over Italian Job’s sorry match tie story

Having equalled the worst in the world one way or another, English sport fans hailed the Galaxy of American L.A. as they honoured a middling midfield Englishman with a 16. 5 million dollar house in the rising sun – if not their starting 11. Rumours that David Gerrard and Steven Beckham will be seen together in California while over the age of forty have been circulating in the United States of Anti Gay laws for weeks, as the ex-pat Little Englanders happily avoid tax in the only way their accountants know how.

Tune in for more soon, in the meantime why not

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POlitOOns March 2015 Issue #9

LATEST BREAKING NEWS AND VIEWS!

End of the world offers huge opportunity for growth says stock market analyst!

George’s Budget Hairline’s creates treats for non-dom tax cheats!

UK-UK! Specialist Headline Brain Fade Blanks:

UKIP leaders plane wreck cast aside as NHS jibe lands broadside on Nigel’s failed state in afterlife!

Nigel concedes race rift as Poll slip concerns party whips!

UKIP EU expenses expatriated in restaurant receipt slated to Brussels!

Dolce and Gabbana drama unfolds as Elton told to fight for ‘family’ life!

Victoria in Peckham stood up to the bean counters at fashionista firmware makers D and G today.  Holding a candle in the wind for the Lion King Rocket Man pianissimo, Ms. Becks took issue with the anti-guy agenda of the post style alphabetic logo manufacturers.  “Family is what it’s all about, and everyone should have one, or two even if they need to use the spare bedroom because of poverty -which my husband and I abhor by the way, unless of course it comes in a little black number with Jimmie Wong stillettos…”

US calls IS Real threat to World Greece!

Foreign Ministers met outside the new European Bank building today dressed in Clown costumes to evade protesting citizens who are demanding their money back. Having bailed out the banks, the E-Union does not want to bail any thing else if it can help it, even if it means dissolution and running the continent in coalition with Scottish National Party goers.
Police cars continued to inflame the issue overnight as people masquerading as different other people confronted uniformed charade-ists intent on miming their way out of recession at all costs.

Jeremy very nearly fears he’s lost Top Gear!

Having gone from style icon to national treasure of the unwashed and sole British export that says rude things about foreign cars, Jeremy-Clark-Bosun was traced to the Large Haydron Service Provider in Switzerland where he battled it out with other theoretical particles in a magnetized tunnel that replicates bumper cars for protons. Having smashed the record for smashing things, Jeremy’s car crash of a career continues to careen onto screens around the speed addicted world, where millions have been lost in the cancellation of two episodes of the Three Turds on Wheels show that critics say has existed long past it’s half-lifetime.

Twitter to market all the stupid things you tell people in the hope of seeming interesting.

In order to create profit out of ordinariness Big Daddy data is capitalizing on the unexpected compel-ment users have to tell everyone about their instant life.  Twit exec’s tweet to their followers that there is no such thing as a secret as far as they’re concerned, and they should now squeeze as much money as they can from you telling everyone about what your last fart smelt like, or wasting your existence away hashtagging pictures of cats licking themselves in domestic situations.

Large Haydron Service Provider picks Net Flix for grey matter’s Auntie-matter matrix!

Cam’s Flim Flam over Debate Plans leaves Opposition in No-Man’s Land!

Chinese Bankers thank British “W”_anker’s typo no-no for Promoting Asia Bank’s Financial Loop Hole!

Tune in for more soon, in the meantime why not

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Poli-flash news ending week of February 6th 2015

America and Russians agree with Chinese on Syrian Conflictees!

After many meetings negotiating how to get out of doing what they said they were going to do, John Hairy, secretary of state for stuff that America doesn’t care about announced that US authorities may be willing to see President Assad remain in power after all. White House insiders said that the American President, having spent the last 3 years suggesting the Syrian regime needed changing, and leaving thousands of rebels in the lurch after years of not supporting them was now backing away from the red line his administration had drawn over the affair. Oblama has recently sent his emmisaries to Moscow to negotiate a done deal with the Russian emirates, who always said US plans for the region were dumb-ass or ‘kaputnitski’ from the get go.

“At least someone has a plan now!” said a relieved American ambassador to Luxemburg who has no intention of leaving his kushti little number for the ISIS-IAN hot bed of a thousand and one Arabian Fights.
Libya meanwhile has erected a statue of Tony Blair shaking hands with Colonel Gadfly (ex) in a Tripoli theme park. Tripoli’s troubled mayor hopes to encourage tourism into the capital, and this week opened a “Migration Museum” with hands on displays, and Migration Imitation workshops aimed at nut-case survivalist tourism organizations interested in finding out how hard it is to get across the Mediterranean in a leaky boat, let alone into fortress Europe. Middle Age envoy Blair is expected to officially unveil the sculpture once he has eluded calls for him to answer perjury charges relating to what many British Militants fondly remember as ‘Tony’s War’.

Flight MH 370 has accidentally disappeared officially!

Confirming that no one is going to explain what really happened, especially to those that think the plane was shot down mid air, Malaysian investigators intend sweeping everything under the carpet on the sea floor, and handing out compensation dosh in the hope that everyone is so exhausted by the ordeal, they won’t notice that Diego Garcian officialers have quietly spread the hush money around, waiting for everyone to give up on the whole thing.

Nasty people in Nasty places more likely to vote for Nasty parties!

The Nasty party of Groot Brittania today announced it’s pre-election findings carried out by a made up group of nameless pen pushers. In response to the idea that over 6 million people were exterminated seventy years ago by a group with a similar name, the Nasties have hired half of Saatchi and Saatchi ( now known as ‘Saatchi And…’) to reinvent the wheel and themselves in time for the non-Euro British elections. The Nasties new election slogan also doubles as their election pledge, when in power the Nasties promise to: “Keep Calm, and stay Nasty!”

 

More February Supplements over the coming days, so tune in, follow, feed, and generally spread the jam … I mean word!

Meanwhile, here’s the regular features:

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Politoons 2015 Supplement One, 26th of January

 

Prime Minister solves the problem of what to do with Cold Callers!

Hanging up on a drunk who had made his way through high level security carrying a pint and smoking a cigarette, the PM’s bodyguards insisted they thought it was Nigel Farage on the line, whom the Prime Minister had told everyone to listen out for.  As it turned out to be an ordinary member of the public who was not organising a drone assassination attempt, using the PM’s mobile phone as a homing device for a predator missile, the country was told to “keep calm, and your pants on”.

Greece’s Discovers Democracy in Austerity!

Greece meanwhile decided it has had enough of Europe, but  – unlike Britain – has insisted they would stay in the game.  A table large enough for all of Europe to sit around to discuss the Greek Debt Mountain was hastily organised (cobbled together from some crates and bits and bobs left over from old Butter and Wine Mountains found going mouldy at the back of the fridge)

Education isn’t Working!

The Labour Party’s new campaign slogan harks back to the dark days of the Thatcheric Era, when the two Saatchi’s – as opposed to Ronnies – made the British tradition of queuing into an enduring election pledge. Now the legacy industry has recycled the difference between Labour’s ideas of ‘academies’ and the coalition government’s ideas of ‘academies’ into a Govian nightmare of distinguishing between doing one thing one way and the same thing another. Shadowy Education Minister in waiting Tristan Blunt, and his even posher sounding brother James have bandied about pages of a new report that inconclusively says all the money spent on changing things hasn’t really.

American Sniper Hits The Big Screen! (damaging it beyond repair)

Clint Eastwood, father of American democracy and a conspiracy theory in his own right has unleashed an unabashed flavour of the month hit that has exploded the idea of war and how good Americans are at that kind of stuff when given guns to shoot at each other with and left to their own devices.  Hollywood is reeling under the rampant gingo-ism and patriotic fervor that Clint, in homage to John Wayne before him has served up to Americans on screen the way McDonald’s serves the nation their fries. In a film that waxes nostalgic about nasty snipers who are increasingly being replaced by nastier unmanned drones, the military industrial complex has found in war, a reason to celebrate its self-justification, once again clawing pyrrhic victory from the jaws of  a 2nd presidential term defeat.

Canadian Government Halved as Oil Price Shock and Awe hits Tar Sands Home!

The Harper government has bitten off the hand that feeds it, in the hope of claiming accident insurance to disguise the fact that they have overseen the worst man-made spoilation of natural habitat since a meteor hit the planet millions of years ago and wiped out the dinosaurs. Panicking because his horse has died, and people realized he was a one trick pony, Harper has appealed to the Western provinces to rehabilitate his flagging popularity by replicating Toronto’s ex Mayor Rob Ford’s strategy of crack fueled drug abuse and intimidation nationwide.  The high risk strategy has been code named Harp Attack, and if it fails, he intends selling off the Dew Line  – an outdated intercontinental missile early warning system – to a bunch of Russian Oligarchs he met at a time share conference in Davos, Switzerland.

That’s it for today’s Politoons supplement. But you can still check out the Caption Contest and other regular features below. And if you’re worried about what’s going on in the world, or in your state of mind, and it’s got you feeling a little paranoid and that everyone is out to get you – don’t worry… chances are you’re probably right.

(p.s happy birthday Rick)

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Politoons Issue #4, January 2015

Age of Dissent lowered amongst Consenting Adults

non-party young dissenter

As birthday parties have taken a pummelling over the last week due to parental guidance systems targeting absent youngster’s elders, the government has decided to lower the Age of Dissent to comply with the new Constitutional framework being discussed in Holy Rude – the Scottish seat of lavatorial power.  Nichola Farage, leader of the Scottish Independence from Scotland party has fueled speculation that the legal age of protest – currently set at the European average of nineteen and a half years – should be lowered to eighteen, meaning millions more

youngsters won’t need their parents permission to complain about everything.

the Scottish Parliament recently

Johnathan Porridge, leader of the “Let’s save the world by taking money from the people who are wrecking it” NGO has backed plans for the Davos WRF forum – World’s Richest Fockers – to publish an edict on who is allowed to protest against what they will do anyway.

President-about-to-retire Barrack Obladama of the United States of Multinationals has sent a previously vice presidential person to complain to the rich people about what rich people have and haven’t done recently.  Ex Vice person Al Bore wore an expensive suit and dragged along a rich creative person to show that the potential for Dissent among the young* (*defined in Davos literature as “future old people”) is higher than for any previous generation – as is the debt being handed down to them.

Falling oil price forces non profit environmentalists to seek non profits elsewhere!

Jonathon Porridge of the unsustainable future forum (UFF!) says the idea of conventional energy firms transitioning into alternative energy firms is pure grammatical fantasy, and that his years of executive pay at the helm of a lobby group that never got beyond the foyer were coming to an end. Porridge poured cold water on the idea that the oil industry might save the earth from human induced destruction saying that: “for-profit companies no longer take non-profit into consideration when deciding on the future of our planet.”

rich people recently

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The Inaugural Politoons Issue of 2015! :-)(-:

The case of the disappearing deficit!

Home Office Detectives and private dicks have been called in to bid for the latest ‘Profit at a Loss’ contracts being offered by Her Maj’s Minority Report Government. Group Five, ServiCor, even McDonald’s have put forward convenience food proposals that will eat up any deficit in a whopping meat frenzy of political slaughter come the next election in the UK. Playwrights and scientists have been searching for the holy grail of cooked book finances since the Angry Young Man generation of theatrical devices in the early sixties (see the last fiscal millennium) failed to deliver on social policy.

In a scathing report on how to clean fish properly, master economist Jack (Ankles) Russell – head baiter of rods to the queen – has aimed a few hooked barbs at the current generation of fiscal back stabbers littering the floor of the London Stock Exchange (The stocks are used to hold poor people in charitable positions, while rich ones throw tomatoes and used bit-coins at them).

“What we need is a new form of government without having to vote for any of the old ones!” said a disgruntled comedian on UTube in front of thousands of followers who couldn’t be bothered to listen to more than 140 characters at a time without a punchline. Calling leading politicians “Vaginal” in their handshakes and “Face-ist” in their un-elected policies, the born again comedian went even further in an attempt to extract humour from the serioud situation that the world finds itself in.

US Government exports Health Care to First World!

Now that the American high command has lost control of the Senate as well as the Congress, President Nearly Not Obama has pledged to help fight the health war elsewhere in the world because it’s too hard to help sick people in his own country. Having gone the extra mile while the rest of the world struggles with kilometers, American hegemony has increased since calling off the Cuban Missile Crisis and opening talks with Che Guevera’s best mate’s brother.

“It’s all going really well!” said the prez from a golf course in Florida …”Swimmingly!” he replied when pressed… “No I’m not kidding!” he reassured the gathered throng once again, his smile appearing to freeze upon his face… “Can we talk about this later? I’m trying to putt here!”

Politoons Caption Contest Winner Revealed!

In a final which exceeded most if not all expectations (low as they may seem!) the jury has returned a verdict on the 6th Cartoon Caption contest, and having created a short short list ( see below) has decided on the winner being: Sophie’s choice! (More flash fiction than caption perhaps, but if every picture tells a story, then so too does every story…)

“Oh no! We should not have drunk that bottle of ‘Quantum Champagne’! It has sent us into one of the infinite number of possible universes, and this is the one where I get stuck under a giant golf ball and you can’t remember the words of any songs, even though you are at last on stage in front of thousands of people in a short dress and have a microphone!” he gasped.

congrats go to S.H. then, well done, and so too for our four other finalists:
drms1 for example:
“Life is sometimes a “stone’s throw away” from a celebration drink!”

or Carl D’agnostico’s:
“Drinking the booze was easy but this olive weighs a ton”
regular finalist Dominic P sent in this:
“No Jack, it’s advocaat and lemonade! Now I must go and whip the cream for Blunderbore’s pudding.”

and Tim C tried the innuendo twist with:
“WOW, what was in those drinks, my balls are killing me!”

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Why look, it’s the cartoon for the next and 7th Politoons Caption contest right here!
(p.s.) thankyou to all who entered, it’s as fun as ever to see the inner workings of other people’s brains.

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and always

your 2014 monthly year end rear views: March and April

March saw Investment funds freeze in the spring thaw of relations between East, West, North and South, while in April long running tensions in Ukrainian elastic bond markets sprang back into the Red Top’s headlines.

Pension Piddle Proves Punishment for Plebs

It has begun to dawn on citizens of every income bracket that the pension funds making billions from buying up businesses and firing everyone before dividing up the company and putting most of it into receivership, have no interest in paying people back the money they have put in over their years of saving for retirement.

Gold plated pension are having the gold they are plated with scratched off and melted down to make offshore hedge funds where the money disappears faster than a Japanese Bit-coin exchange. The remaining zinc alloy pensions are only good for making matchbox size toy car models of the automobiles pensioners had been dreaming they would be able to drive around in after they retired.

Cold War Resumed in attempt to Combat Global Warming

After succeeding in the Olympian feat of staging the Olympics, Russian foreign policy strategists have suggested that the solution to global warming and the melting of ski slopes is the invasion the country next door. While considering a bid to hold the summer Olympics in Siberia circa 2030 because of rising global temperatures, Russia’s new bare chested bareback riding power Tsar has extended the hand of war to it’s neighbour on the edge of “Urup”

Music News is the same as it was 40 years ago study finds!

Aging rock stars turned out in force to deny, and then confirm, rumours that they would be headlining at Glastonbury Festival this year. Some threatening to come out of retirement, and others threatening to return from the dead (This is understood to refer to the “Grateful Dead” a San Franciscan free love band famous for powerful rock ballads such as “Drums in Space” who managed to continue living like hippies well into the 21st century)

for more on March 2014 Madness including the Middle Age Budget Squeeze, the first of many missing planes, and how youth unemployment is the new child labour in this Politoons year end rear view click here

tune in for June and July’s in the next 2014 rear end review!

meanwhile here’s some regular Poli-features:

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Politoons latest publication “The Enigma Deviations”

and the wonderfully irregular Politoons Caption Contest!

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and always

Politoons 2014 End of Year Issue(s) :-( (-:

Alien Cows may have populated Mars!

The discovery of Methane Spikes (or ‘burps’, as they are known in the Colostonic sciences) has sent the Mars Rover into a tail spin over exhaustive gas analysis of what may be billion year old cow pats from a bygone Martian age of pastoral bliss. When the Sun was much younger, and could only dream of being a reactionary red topped newspaper with nude photography hidden amongst the news items, Mars may have been inhabited by a race of Cattle similar to the species that is milked for everything it is worth today.

The discovery of bullshit on Mars has confirmed the existence of life for many unwell known scientists. Which puts the landing of a washing machine on a comet billions of miles away in the shade (an unfortunate side effect, as the comet washer needs sunlight in fact to power it’s media spin cycle.)

Pope Steals Queen’s Speech Thunder!

The Pope has spoken about being unhappy with God’s council for the first time since his Road to Damascus moment. Because Syria is so hard to get to now, what with the oppressive regime fighting the oppressive neighbours over who is the best oppressor, the Pontiff has tweeted his irk-dom at Vatican administrators lower down the food chain. The white robed representative of several people’s deity on earth has been quoted as saying “There’s gonna be some changes around here!” and “This is business, you understand?” in his 140 characters or less Xmas message to the papists of the world.

Korean Kim Hacked Off with US Quality Control!

Having hacked into the American sit com “A day in the life at the White House”, North Korean film critics now find their off the wall comments are no longer online. Having trashed the film of their dear leader’s assassination, they now wait in a queue to use a hot desk inside Kim’s bedroom, where the initial cyber-wood attack is suspected to have taken place. The American President, roused from his 2nd term stupor, relayed his thoughts on the film, saying he was charmed by the buddy movie approach to improving relations with Pnom Penn. The Pres was considered to be on script, when he said that seeing people killed in Hollywood is all part of growing up and watching bootleg copies of American films. He then spoke directly to his North Korean peer, saying “Look Kim, Presidents often die in American films – we call them documentaries – BaBoom!;)”
Meanwhile Sony has lapped up all the free publicity and is planning on releasing the hacked film anyway. The corporation is apparently ready to use American Military support if necessary to protect it’s right to collect royalties and make profits anywhere on the planet. (The British Chancellor, GO is rumoured to have been seen taking notes in the garden shed next door)

That’s it for this weeks headliner news, don’t forget, there’s still Free Seasonal E-cards!

-a growing collection for your delectation-

There’s still copies of The Enigma Deviations to procure!

There’s still a Cartoon Caption Contest to enter!

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and finally,
There’s always next year!
Tune in, Drop by, and we’ll be sure to keep you posted.
Happy Nappies, from Politoons

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Chelsea’s Birthday – a few celebratory toons

 

Chelsea – Happy Birthday!
sorry for the tardiness in sending you the best of birthday wishes!  Politoons is very grateful for your contribution to a free information society.

 

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Politoons Och Aye The Newz! for September 18th, 2014

 

 

Referendum Today!

The worst political scenario may come into being today as north of the bord-arians go on trial in a test of strength to decide their uncertain future. Political leaders across the spectrum are ranging from angry – red – to envious – green – while those on the left are feeling a little blue.  The problem with anti-christ legislation has heaved the disputes over troubled waters back into the eye of the storm today, as seamstresses argue over the eye of a needle left in a haystack overnight that a camel passed water through in time for the next election.

World Leader News

President Obamathon now in the salad days of office has found his time as a ‘world leader’ to be blessed with overreactive elements within his administration – like phosphorous which is fine until it comes into contact with water. While ISIS the Egyptian god of something – but not pyramids – has decided to take over a bit of this country and a bit of that one, creating new borders along lines drawn in the sand by water courses long before people discovered chalk and boards, and had to ask permission to go to the toilet.

Shut your mouth?

Meanwhile the world of dentistry has been up in flames about the use of hot water to wash out mouths during the rinse cycle.  They say they want their clients to ‘spit it out’  over charges that they overcharge in their millions for just having a look – saying everything is fine and demanding you to return with some more money in six months time if you don’t want your face to fall off.

Cycling Wetware

While in sport news,  a group of women woke up to the exploitation being meted out to them by their own cycling federation. Their new national uniforms include evening gowns and stiletto heeled cycling shoes. The expectation being that they will compete using the ‘side-saddle’ technique favoured by English costume dramas, and made famous by Queen Victoria in that film starring a Scottish comedian.

Comms Giants Junk Test!

Email account holders woke up with a shock today to find their spam folders empty, and no junk mail in their in boxes.  Communication giants YaFU, BotMail, and Amazathon admitted that a technical error meant that for the first time since the internet was discovered millions of users did not receive unwanted mail.  Many have since complained, suggesting that unwanted email is their only link to the outside world, and are threatening to litigate against companies that fail to maintain a reasonable supply of unwelcome solicitations.

Politoons Caption Contest Number 5!

This slumbering thought may ly like a sleeper -dormant for years then suddenly wake up with a…?

So what’s your take on this out-take from the Politoon Drawing drawers?

Ah, it’s good to be back!

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Budget Plane Disappearing in Paper Boy Cuts Special!

Budget Squeezes Middle-Aged Waistbands

Chancellor boy George unveiled his new tattoo, a heavily overwritten display of prime numbers cascading from a small calculator which when he flexed his bicep grew to the size of a small calculator.  Balls of Ire, the shadow of the Chancellor spoke ill of the dead, well Maggie anyway, then tried to encourage young people to vote saying he could feel their pain, having only recently just scraped through his year three piano exam himself.  Yes the mouth that launched a thousand blips was drowned beneath a sea of hate figures on the government benches today as they hailed themselves and their ‘we’ll have to make do with him for the time being’ leader. Meanwhile waves of Ukrainian boat people did not flood across Europes unprotected Eastern flank like the charge of the Light brigade thundering in the opposite direction over 100 years ago, “but it was a close run thing” said experts given air time to say such things.

Is it a bird, is it a…what the hell is that?

Missing planes in the Straights of Malay were meanwhile considering the possibility that they were being looked for in the wrong place.  So a team comprised of the Gays of Malay were instead sent into space to search for satellites that should have noticed where the flight had gone long before it had stopped going where it was supposed to. Arrival lounges in airports around the world were put on hold in case the plane showed up and everyone aboard had to be told that they could not disembark. “Plane people are the new boat people especially in Australia” said some Village people recently at a premier of ‘Priscilla in the desert –the director’s cut’. It is rumoured that even the original inhabitants of the worlds largest island can’t get rid of the alien creatures that for hundreds of years have overseen their asylum seekers hostels and rampaged like copulating rabbits through their corridors of power.

Paper boys face cuts in Puberty Time

Meanwhile  in local news, the newspapers were delivered late again this morning as the usual child labourer has reached puberty and is now deemed fit for work.  Having been chucked out of the family home so they can rent out the spare room and pay the bedroom tax. The young ex- paper person is now forced to sleep in the rough until he becomes old enough to go to uni, where he can borrow ridiculous amounts of money and learn how to get out of paying it back.

Don’t forget to check out and into The Enigma Deviations at Jam Records in Falmouth, and stay tuned for the finalists of the 4th POlitoon Caption Contest being announced this week!