your 2014 monthly year end rear views: March and April

March saw Investment funds freeze in the spring thaw of relations between East, West, North and South, while in April long running tensions in Ukrainian elastic bond markets sprang back into the Red Top’s headlines.

Pension Piddle Proves Punishment for Plebs

It has begun to dawn on citizens of every income bracket that the pension funds making billions from buying up businesses and firing everyone before dividing up the company and putting most of it into receivership, have no interest in paying people back the money they have put in over their years of saving for retirement.

Gold plated pension are having the gold they are plated with scratched off and melted down to make offshore hedge funds where the money disappears faster than a Japanese Bit-coin exchange. The remaining zinc alloy pensions are only good for making matchbox size toy car models of the automobiles pensioners had been dreaming they would be able to drive around in after they retired.

Cold War Resumed in attempt to Combat Global Warming

After succeeding in the Olympian feat of staging the Olympics, Russian foreign policy strategists have suggested that the solution to global warming and the melting of ski slopes is the invasion the country next door. While considering a bid to hold the summer Olympics in Siberia circa 2030 because of rising global temperatures, Russia’s new bare chested bareback riding power Tsar has extended the hand of war to it’s neighbour on the edge of “Urup”

Music News is the same as it was 40 years ago study finds!

Aging rock stars turned out in force to deny, and then confirm, rumours that they would be headlining at Glastonbury Festival this year. Some threatening to come out of retirement, and others threatening to return from the dead (This is understood to refer to the “Grateful Dead” a San Franciscan free love band famous for powerful rock ballads such as “Drums in Space” who managed to continue living like hippies well into the 21st century)

for more on March 2014 Madness including the Middle Age Budget Squeeze, the first of many missing planes, and how youth unemployment is the new child labour in this Politoons year end rear view click here

tune in for June and July’s in the next 2014 rear end review!

meanwhile here’s some regular Poli-features:

e-greets for e-peeps! free e-cards

Politoons latest publication “The Enigma Deviations”

and the wonderfully irregular Politoons Caption Contest!

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and always

2014 a year in monthly rear views: February

February

February 2014 saw an increase in questionable pet imagery across the interwoven community. Politoons was amongst the first to download and investigate the modern day cult of pussy worship.

Cat Porn Fears Escalate!

Video clips of cats and small babies doing inane things continue to take up valuable information space on the inter-web. Even this column is not immune from the postings of ‘cat-porn’ by multi-media enthusiasts with more bandwidth than they know what to do with. People are increasingly desperate to find free things to share on social networking sites in order to feel that although they have little to say, their lives are justified and their existence still palatable to the rest of human society.

to read more about this as well as topics like: Amazin Drones,the Lego Film, Straight Sex Olympics, and Phone Hacking, see the full February feature click here

tune in for March and April in tomorrow’s 2014 rear view!

meanwhile here’s some regular Poli-features:

e-greets for e-peeps! free e-cards

Politoons latest publication “The Enigma Deviations”

and the wonderfully irregular Politoons Caption Contest!

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and as always,

2014 a year in monthly rear view: The January Headlines

JANUARY

The year 2014 ended much as it ended last time, with the UNHIP party spelling bee being cancelled in a blistering attack on incorrect acronyms.

Back in January 2014 Politoons reported on:

The former UK’s MIGRATION BOTCH foundation who ACCUSED BULGA-ROMANIANS OF a sinister CLIMATE CHANGE PLOT!

Bulgarians and Romanians have decided not to come to Britain until weather conditions improve, as a low or “no” pressure zone has hit the country. UKIP MEP’s have generally sounded positive notes (F#’s and B flats mostly) about the chances of their Lord and Creator Nigel the Great of Basildon becoming the spiritual leader of a non-european Pound Shop trading hub. Exports to and from the hub will be delivered in person by British nationals who might otherwise emigrate to Abu Dabi for the chance to work for peanuts on the building of lego bricked imitations of great world cultural attractions. These include helter-skelter rides in the shape of Winston Churchill designed by Zhahaha Hadeetz, and Olympic size swimming pools filled with alternating layers of oil and desalinated water from Normal Fosterers Architectural Practice-till-we-get-it-right Partnership located in a B and Q shed somewhere near Neasdon.

to read the full report on this, the hate speech of Bile-gel Barrage and more click here

tune in tomorrow for what made up the headlines in February 2014!

meanwhile here’s some regular Poli-features:

free e-cards here’s the latest:

Politoons latest publication “The Enigma Deviations”
and don’t forget to enter the Caption Competition

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e-peep e-greets! :)(:

Here’s selection of e-greets from Politoons. Just fill in the form below or in the gallery comment box, say which one(s) you’ve selected, include your heartfelt wishes (be nice!)  and we’ll forward your message and e-card to your loved one – or, um… whatever.

General Satire:

Seasonal Ones:

or

If you’re interested in sending something bigger better and more book-like, check out info about the latest collection of Politoon toons here: The Enigma Deviations

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remember:

three ho ho – oh oh’s from the seasonal vaults

Politoons 2014 End of Year Issue(s) :-( (-:

Alien Cows may have populated Mars!

The discovery of Methane Spikes (or ‘burps’, as they are known in the Colostonic sciences) has sent the Mars Rover into a tail spin over exhaustive gas analysis of what may be billion year old cow pats from a bygone Martian age of pastoral bliss. When the Sun was much younger, and could only dream of being a reactionary red topped newspaper with nude photography hidden amongst the news items, Mars may have been inhabited by a race of Cattle similar to the species that is milked for everything it is worth today.

The discovery of bullshit on Mars has confirmed the existence of life for many unwell known scientists. Which puts the landing of a washing machine on a comet billions of miles away in the shade (an unfortunate side effect, as the comet washer needs sunlight in fact to power it’s media spin cycle.)

Pope Steals Queen’s Speech Thunder!

The Pope has spoken about being unhappy with God’s council for the first time since his Road to Damascus moment. Because Syria is so hard to get to now, what with the oppressive regime fighting the oppressive neighbours over who is the best oppressor, the Pontiff has tweeted his irk-dom at Vatican administrators lower down the food chain. The white robed representative of several people’s deity on earth has been quoted as saying “There’s gonna be some changes around here!” and “This is business, you understand?” in his 140 characters or less Xmas message to the papists of the world.

Korean Kim Hacked Off with US Quality Control!

Having hacked into the American sit com “A day in the life at the White House”, North Korean film critics now find their off the wall comments are no longer online. Having trashed the film of their dear leader’s assassination, they now wait in a queue to use a hot desk inside Kim’s bedroom, where the initial cyber-wood attack is suspected to have taken place. The American President, roused from his 2nd term stupor, relayed his thoughts on the film, saying he was charmed by the buddy movie approach to improving relations with Pnom Penn. The Pres was considered to be on script, when he said that seeing people killed in Hollywood is all part of growing up and watching bootleg copies of American films. He then spoke directly to his North Korean peer, saying “Look Kim, Presidents often die in American films – we call them documentaries – BaBoom!;)”
Meanwhile Sony has lapped up all the free publicity and is planning on releasing the hacked film anyway. The corporation is apparently ready to use American Military support if necessary to protect it’s right to collect royalties and make profits anywhere on the planet. (The British Chancellor, GO is rumoured to have been seen taking notes in the garden shed next door)

That’s it for this weeks headliner news, don’t forget, there’s still Free Seasonal E-cards!

-a growing collection for your delectation-

There’s still copies of The Enigma Deviations to procure!

There’s still a Cartoon Caption Contest to enter!

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and finally,
There’s always next year!
Tune in, Drop by, and we’ll be sure to keep you posted.
Happy Nappies, from Politoons

don’t forget,

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Free Politoon e-cards to beat the XXXmas rush!

Here’s selection of free e-cards from Politoons, just fill in the form below, say which one you’ve selected to send, include your heartfelt wishes (be nice!)  and we’ll forward your message and e-card to your loved one – or, um… whatever.

If you’re interested in sending something bigger better and more book-like, check out info about the latest collection of Politoon toons here: The Enigma Deviations

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Chelsea’s Birthday – a few celebratory toons

 

Chelsea – Happy Birthday!
sorry for the tardiness in sending you the best of birthday wishes!  Politoons is very grateful for your contribution to a free information society.

 

The Enigma Deviations is out now, leave a comment below for ordering details

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Porridge, The Global Economy, Sports News and other Methane Emissions

RECIPES FOR THE SEASON OF MOODY PEERS!

Baroness Jenkins “how to make poverty porridge”

take one baroness

place in front of a microphone

leave for five minutes

add discussion about poor people to taste

Russell Brand’s “how to make mince-your-words meat”

answer questions vaguely in front of a live audience

appear saddened by the level of political debate

joke about chest hair and being well off on social media

tell people not to be so saucy – nor to vote neither!

leave in panel show overnight to stew

David MilliBrand’s “how to escape the UN”

comment on global trends in terrorism and poverty

insist you have no intention of returning to politics

insert homilies about your estranged brother

leave to stand at the next election

IN GLOBAL NEWS!

The World has gone MAD!

It’s official, lunacy has overtaken sanity for the first time in the history of civilization.  With governments globally eroding confidence in saving the planet, certain forms of madness have been approved by the UN in order to keep everyone at the table to discuss what to do about

the weather.  Climate scientists continue to be blamed for talking about the climate instead of the weather – which surveys show many more people are comfortable with.  The new Weather Warming Warning group (WWIII) has been lobbying the international community to fund new measuring systems that will track global weather around the world.  This is intended to shift the focusing away from what is happening with the climate, which has been upsetting the kids, worrying the sheep, and causing havoc in the financial markets where stall holders are still recovering from the Age of Stupid – now more commonly known as “Black Friday”.

SPORT!

Premier Inns sponsors Hotel League of Gentlemen

In sporting news, the Premier League of Gentlemen has raised the bar by restricting the height of goalkeepers for the first time in order to make the game more “interesting”. Other proposals such as using an eleven sided ball instead of a round one narrowly missed being selected for trials at the next world cup in sunny Qatar. Detractors have pointed out that the pointy bits of a cornered football could be dangerous, especially when heading in front of goal, “worse than John Terry’s elbows” one millionaire with a funny haircut suggested from his Masserati. Meanwhile experts have argued that the point of the game is to get the ball into the net, and therefore if the point of the ball gets into the net, that’s a result, and this eleven sided goal and the mini-keepers should be allowed.

OIL TSARS BUYS MEDIA TO OFFSET METHANE EMISSIONS

Oil prices continue to tumble despite the fact that oil based products aren’t getting any cheaper, even in Russia, where the Rouble spells t-rouble for the administration.  Without a leg to stand on or a shoulder to cry on, the beleagared Tsarista proposes to pull out all the stops and do whatever it takes to set the wheels of industry in motion. Meanwhile, money flows out of the county’s banking system faster than you can say Boris Yeltsin. It is predicted that worse is yet to come for Botox clinics in Moscow. (actually this is pretty serious stuff! you wait for cheaper gas to come along for ages, then a whole convoy of geopolitical issues drive by at once! ed.)

In other Petroleum Leaks

Planners in Alberta, Canada-land have decided to pave over the Tsar Sands projects to create giant Park and Hide facilities for Calgary, where stampedes during rush hour are currently causing chaos in the Tundra, rumored home to the mythical Sasquatch who is reported to live in a wild condo unit managed by a neo-liberal survivalist community. The neo-libbers have isolated themselves from the rest of hu-sanity in the hope of eventually ‘becoming one with the tar’ and thus preserving themselves as examples of an extinct species, just as their dinosaur forebearers once did in the Jurassic Era of Tar Sand Amusement Arcadias. (#update: Our roving reporter Dabbling Brooks has complained to FB CEO Mark Suckerburger that his status updates relating Blood to Oil and Diamonds have disappeared from his investigative timeline.)

BRITISH NEWS FOR BRITISH PAY PER VIEWS!

English Laws for English Flaws!

A Bill has been endorsed by the proxy PM of Eng-land that will allow exclusive voting powers only to Anti-Europe and Anti British -MP’s who want to see English flaws made only by English Lawds.  English is a very old language that traces it’s history back through the 20th centuries and beyond, originating in ancient times before the internet, when being a King or Queen really was important (instead of it just being an excuse for being rich and expecting people to shut up when you speak). Grammatical eccentricities and the use of one of the most popular languages in the world since the collapse of the British (n.e. English) Empire is being brought back under the control of the Ministry for English Sentences and Stuff.  Deputy Minister Pidge Inn at the MESS has approved a lexicon of typos and syntaxic foibles that are particularly English.  These eccentricities have been put before the House of Cards in a motion that may disturb the blow, flow and spit of rappers and poets for enervations to come, resulting in the eventual collapse of the entire House into a heap of estuary english cliche’s – if he plays his cards right.

Don’t forget to order a copy or two of The Enigma Deviations, just get in touch by leaving a comment with us here at Politoons

 

and there’s that 6th Cartoon Cartoon Caption Contest to worry about and stress over too!

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REMEMBER!

©politoons2014

Winner of the 5th Caption Contest!

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This one was a  challenge for the dedicated captioneers out there. You could almost smell the wood smoke, as brain cells roasted on an open fire, and cerebral fluid bubbled with consterna-tious express-itude.

 

here are the shortlisted runners up:

 ‘GCHQ goes organic’

alluding to the spying fraternity seeking the seal of approval from the Soil Association from D. T.

‘Your goal is to breed all the different dragons available’

a caption inspired by the Role Playing MUD MOO and ROTFL community perhaps? from Johnd

‘In the blink of an eye Willy wakes.’

oh how the wonderful S.B. must have sent brain cells racing around the collider to come up with that!

But after a great many sleepless nano-seconds, the chosen winner of this month’s Politoons Caption contest is

 

‘Looks like the unemployed figures are getting smaller!’

from the super Mr. Power!

who will be receiving his signed Glicee print of the Cartoon and Caption as soon as we track him down!

Thankyou all for entering, and an honourable mention goes out to the tireless T.C. a previous winner.

Don’t forget that the illuminating collection of cartoons ‘The Enigma Deviations’ is out now too. Check it here

and finally here we are:  introducing the 6th Politoon Caption Contest!

just leave your caption in the caption box below, and good luck!

 

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The week of breast feeding, computer gaming, house pricing, sinking or swimming – and that lovely book!

MP’s paid to train in playing computer games!

A part time computer game expert and MP for a constituency in the United Kingdom where nothing ever happens – so he can doze off whenever he likes – says it’s an outrage that salaried people representing their constituents are photographed doing what they like in committee meetings! He expressed disquiet that anyone should criticize an elected member for the act of showing up and sitting there quietly without annoying anyone. Other governing members agree that too much importance is placed on what is said in these meetings, and not enough emphasis is made of  the fact that everything is written down

anyway…by someone…somewhere…

One formerly large member described his own committee experience as akin to a 60’s acid flashback. Having dropped to the floor in boredom and fainted away at the thought of another two hours of taxpayers money funding his presence, he suddenly woke to find himself lying in a pool of urine whilst surrounded by a crack team of paramedics. “If a Member of Parliament can maintain consciousness by not doing what they’re paid for when they’re supposed to, then good on them I say!” He said, offering our reporter a puff on his vape-pipe.

Nigel vents feelings about weaning public from breast feeding!

The loan arranging MEP who doesn’t want to be an MEP has delivered a devastating body blow to lactating humans around the world. Having little to do in Brussells besides finding neo-fascist sympathisers to join his “we don’t want to be here!” crusade in order to keep getting the EU money he doesn’t want, Nigel has the nation’s nipples in his sights as he plans his election strategy. Luckily, we know his is not a one-issue, one nation, one man band kind of leaving party,  and he has sent everyone a xmas card showing how if elected, he will cause road accidents, crash into houses, and kill! kill! kill! before stopping off for a pint to talk about foreigners with the man on the Clapham omnibus.

Budget boost for unsustainable house prices!

 

Boy George-iO grappled with the cuts he promised to make this week by sending house prices soaring! Another boost to the helium balloon known as property values means little Englanders can call their home a castle, even if it is a tarmaced garden terraced house with a white van in the drive and has flags for curtains. Just in time for the season of giving! Oh Nigel, I can’t believe you got me a tattoo for Xmas! How thoughtful! I love the trill of the pipes and the beat of the drum… oh I see, not that kind of tattoo…

NASA reasserts its status with launch on Facebook!

Formerly a world leader in the search for other worlds, the National Ar-u Serious Agency has launched an unmanned manned spacecraft into orbit in order to see if will fall back to earth. The successful mission was preceded by much gnashing of teeth when the wind got up their respective shirts and skirts which meant delaying the launch – which isn’t as easy as it sounds because they then have to count the 10 seconds to lift off r-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-l-l-l-l-l-y-y-y-y-y- s-l-l-l-l-l-l-o-o-o-o-o-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-l-l-l-y-y-y-y….
The plan is to spend trillions putting a couple of people onto Mars before the Earth becomes incapable of supporting life for the billions still here! A spokesperson for NASA’s Intern programme said “See? There’s a real plus side to spending money on visiting other worlds instead of fixing this one.”

Immi-grants to become Immi-loans in crackdown on Overseas Aid Placements!

Closer to home, Europe has decided to break the law of the sea and ignore anyone drowning in the Mediterranean who doesn’t have a European passport. The UK government rushed to back the idea until it realized this would include Brits.  (In related news, Westminster politicians have been demanding that the French city of Calais be closed down and moved to Eastern Europe before the province of England votes to leave the United Kingdom)

Following the Australian model of aiming guns at anyone who looks indigenous and attempts to approach their shores in anything other than first class accommodation, Britain’s coalition of power have moved to invent the “thought police”. Politicians who look up from their ipads say they intend using George Orwell’s “Road to Wigan Pier” and “1984” as instruction manuals for building the first flat pack surveillance state in world history. (inevitably there will be a few screws missing, no allen key, and the cupboard door still won’t close properly!)

 oh, and don’t forget about the book and the caption contest!

It’s out! Shelves of stocking stuffing chuckles in print for the first time!

Wondering what to get for the person who has to get everything? Why not bring a smile to their furrowed brow with ‘The Enigma Deviations’? A compendium of hidden treasures; jokes and drawings that lie waiting beneath the covers like your favourite album – or possibly your favourite person.

The Enigma Deviations

The Enigma Deviations encapsulates 120 pages of single panel cartoon humour by Mac D, the man of mystery behind Politoons.

A 21 cm square coffee table book that looks as good off the shelf as it does on the train.

You won’t find The Enigma Deviations listed on Amazon or any other merchandising site. So order a single copy or multiple copies here – we can get them delivered to you within 5 working days from receipt of payment. Or if you can, visit Jam Records, in Falmouth Cornwall where you can pick up a copy straight away!

The Enigma Deviations, £10 plus p+p

(check out a currency converter here )

The 5th Politoons Caption Competition

The 5th Cartoon Caption Competition will be announced on Wednesday December 10th, so here’s the toon waiting for your quip! leave your line in the box below!

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The Enigma Deviations is out in a large print edition! (+ that caption comp BTW!)

The Enigma Deviations

It’s out! Shelves of stocking stuffing chuckles in print for the first time!

Wondering what to get for the person who has to get everything? Why not bring a smile to their furrowed brow with ‘The Enigma Deviations’? A compendium of hidden treasures; jokes and drawings that lie waiting beneath the covers like your favourite album – or possibly your favourite person.

The Enigma Deviations encapsulates 120 pages of single panel cartoon humour by Mac D, the man of mystery behind Politoons.

A 21 cm square coffee table book that looks as good off the shelf as it does on the train.

You won’t find The Enigma Deviations listed on Amazon or any other merchandising site. So order a single copy or multiple copies here – we can get them delivered to you within 5 working days from receipt of payment. Or if you can, visit Jam Records, in Falmouth Cornwall where you can pick up a copy straight away!

The Enigma Deviations, £10 plus p+p

(check out a currency converter here )

The Caption Competition

The 5th Cartoon Caption Competition will be announced on Wednesday December 10th, so here’s the toon waiting for your quip! leave your line in the box below!

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caption

Submit

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Politoons Decemberist News (ISIS? what ISIS?) Stop Press: and that new book!

George Finds Hole in his pocket!

Chancer-gallor Osborne has got his knickers in a twist of wrapping paper as he sets out his charity stall and budget forecasts for doomsday. Noticing that the world does not look like ending before the next general election, the wizard of Toad Hall has put all his eggs in one basket-case, and sent Danny  “I may be some time” Alexander forth to field all the rotten fruit being thrown at the economic status of Britain.

Opposition finally oppose something!

Meanwhile the wagons are circling around the leader of the opposition as he attempts to maximize their strategy for saving the nation.

What shall we do Ed?

Hmm…Nothing, and hope for the best?

Surely we should say something! What about “Immigration control is out of control”?

Hmm…. don’t know Ed…

Tell you what, let’s ask Evette!

(later that same lunch time…)

Honey? I’m home! Sorry to rush, bu can I steal some policy ideas from you before my piano lesson?

WWIII postponed until new climate agreement is reached!

World leaders have promised to be nice to each other and do up the house so that it can be put on the market before the bottom drops out of property – which is theft, by the way. The latest think tank has moved into a broom cupboard in Islington-under-stairs in order to keep it’s ear to the ground and it’s stock market listing in the Cayman Islands.

All of which has nothing to do with the big issues! Apart from them being more expensive because its the Bumper Xmas one – which is out on the street where you live right now!

Ho Ho …Oh Oh!

more soon from the lips of the mouth of the source of the river flowing through the echoes of my mind’s eye.

 

Politoons World of Humour – The Enigma Deviations out now!

Just in time for… that thing… what is that thing…? Get in touch to find out more about this large format collection of over 100 new cartoon! We even do printed mugs! Pre-order discounts, etc.

and don’t forget the latest Politoons cartoon competition is nearly due, thanks to those who have already sunk a stone in the deep pool of thought for this drawing!

x macd

(ps. thanks for the inspiration:)