Enoch Farage’s Rivers of Flood Speech

This speech was recorded live outside a beer barrel thrown in a skip near London’s Brick Lane Market:

“Never has the objection of the few counted for so many! Our country(s) lie at the pelican crossing of a new age, where history will shine a light onto a time of power cuts and poverty unparalleled in our parent’s national heritage – apart from the three day week, rationing and our support for tin pot regimes before deciding to go to war and crush them… There is a tide turning for this once great nation, and the choice is a difficult one. So rather than saying I think we should provide a safe haven for political refugees from war-torn countries – which didn’t have legs as it turned out – or backtracking and saying i meant C of E refugees fleeing woman bishops and gay clergy, I have decided to play the race card in a desperate attempt to show that I am the thinking person’s millionaire smoking yeoman, only too happy to share a platform with a dead discredited hate figure if it means maintaining the media momentum I have so recently accidentally stumbled upon!”
Sincerely, Enoch Farage

(we now return you to our normal coverage)

MIGRATION BOTCH ACCUSE BULGA-ROMANIANS OF CLIMATE CHANGE PLOT

Bulgarians and Romanians have decided not to come to Britain until weather conditions improve, as a low or “no” pressure zone has hit the country. UKIP MEP’s have generally sounded positive notes (F#’s and B flats mostly) about the chances of their Lord and Creator Nigel the Great of Basildon becoming the spiritual leader of a non-european Pound Shop trading hub. Exports to and from the hub will be delivered in person by British nationals who might otherwise emigrate to Abu Dabi for the chance to work for peanuts on the building of lego bricked imitations of great world cultural attractions. These include helter-skelter rides in the shape of Winston Churchill designed by Zhahaha Hadeetz, and Olympic size swimming pools filled with alternating layers of oil and desalinated water from Normal Fosterers Architectural Practice-till-we-get-it-right Partnership located in a B and Q shed somewhere near Neasdon.

and in memorium…

I’m sad to say

Simon Hoggart has passed away

on the subject of which

there is not much else to say.

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REMEMBER!