Politoons February 2017 – The ‘Enough is Never Enough’ Issue

Last Sane Person Asked to Leave the White House!

In keeping with redefining journalists bent on seeking the truth as the new ‘enemies of the people’, newspeaking spokespeople for the Alt-Right House have rescinded the bus passes of older media organizations in favo(u)r of yo(u)ng upstart power ‘ho’s’ willing to promote the billionaire tax evading television reality star’s next series of re-truthings – a series of daily soap script pitches now being analysed by the Tea Party Senate for adherence to ‘truth, justice and the American way’. Once approved the highly detailed story lines will be used to construct a fly on the wall documentary about the Orange One’s first 100 days in office spent siphoning government funds into his various offshore franchises and business interests while deregulating Wall Street.

Britain finally figures out what Brexit means all by itself!

People all over the country watched two political election spin off dramas this week as UKIP un-picked itself from ever being elected to national office, the Labo(u)r party performed an emergency cesarean on itself and induced a panicky emergence of doubt amongst those who thought social justice meant agreeing with right wing Tories about leaving URUP while trying to make clear they intend doing so for very different reasons. The tactic has paid off according to recent reality opinion polls – formerly known as ‘by-elections’. “We knew thinking the same thing as the government but for different reasons would pay off eventually!” Said the Labo(u)r Monarch. “See how the people have decided things for the same reason by voting for them instead of us.” The Labo(u)ring Labo(u)r leader waved goodbye from his socialist state allotment, pointing to the the spade he had taken out of the shed to continue to ‘dig for Britain’ as the hole increased in size around him.

Brexperts predict Brexit soon to Brexist as the only BreSingularity!

“Brexit means we will do little else but talk about Europe even though the majority of the country thought they had voted by a huge majority for us to shut up about it!” The Prime Minister explained from her new bastion of Copeland where the last 80 years of political history vanished into the past – just like all the others. “Now we don’t have to focus on the failing NHS, slipping School Standards, Poverty, Disability Rights and all the other negative stories the Fake News Press *(*see Last Sane Person to Leave White House story above) have been touting to anyone old enough to buy a newspaper!” She said to rapturous applause before returning to her armoured car. “Let us now focus our attention and pool our resources around our overriding prejudices against anyone from neighbouring countries, near or far…” She said, sucking in her breath and pointing at her Just About Coping Squeezed Middle before muttering  “…which may soon include Scotland…” As she returning to London to cat sit for the House of Lords while it tried to make sense of how the political landscape had changed.

EXUKIP Leader insists leaving Europe will trigger mass immigration into the UK!

Meanwhile in the UKIP heartland of a motorway services, former leader of the free world Nige Farago made his pledge to the people of Britain to remove windmills from the countryside and make Britain Great again. Although not leader of anything now, the non-leader insists that the party he doesn’t lead anymore will – if elected –  build a wall to stop anyone leaving because triggering article 50 and the process of leaving Europe -which he had always desired – will mean an increase in immigration into the UK which he has always been against.  “Let me leave you with this final question” said the non-politician as he got in his car “How far up the road do I have to go before I can turn around and travel back down the way I really want to go?”

that’s it for this week’s news

but that’s not all – by any means necessarily!

newtate-2017-macd-s

“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.
 
Merch!
Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!
Politoons T-shirts, cups, tea towels, cards and other fascinatingly prescient merchandise is available from Politoons.co.uk, send us a comment or email ‘info at politoons.co.uk’ and we’ll send you the vital statistics – ed.

 
 
 
 

Do you think I’m Brexie?

No MARMAYBE for British consumers

(with thanks to annie)

The “Britain Rues, OK!” issue

SLEEP BEFORE YOU GO GO!

Now we can all sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that a bunch of people with no idea of what to do next are running the country. But when was it any different? The government has decided to consume itself with infighting and hatred, and – not out manoeuvred – so has the opposition.

ROAD MAP FOR BREXIT!

All roads in England now lead to the emergency Brexit – it’s just there through the unlit stairwell beneath the houses of parliament where Guy Fawkes once left enough barrels of gunpowder to blow the pips off the news bulletin at the top of the hour. If you find your way through that and the raw sewage pipes we had to clean up because of EU regulations (bah boo hiss! how dare they say how to clean a beach! What next? Climate Change? Nigel! Go get ’em boy! Kill Kill Kill! Grrr….) Eventually you’ll find yourself in the channel tunnel.  At least we’ll get our Calais  Jungle back “It’s coming home, they’re coming home The jungle’s coming home!” to Dover where it belongs along with all the struggling migrants trying to get into Britain. So, job done! All we have to do now is accept the will of a toussel haired nutcase who jumps on any passing bandwagon – or is that the United States? Whatever! Too much thinking causes cancer so less is more as far as breaking out the oars and rowing ourselves out into the mid Atlantic while the sharks circle to peck at the dangly bits slowing numbing in the reversing Gulf Stream goes.

THE PLAN… WHO’S GOT THE PLAN?

Perfect! So, plan of action time is over, we can all start to properly panic without politicians getting in the way with their wars of words or attempts at squeezing actual facts through the multi-headed multi-national multi-muck chucking meat mangle we call impartial media.
Thanks to them we can now sit back and watch as  Nigel Fexage and Ian Duncan Death Wish generate a double headed shit storm faster than the internet’s best cloud seeding chem trail conspiracy theory can spread search terms.

BRITON’S MINUS HOUR!

This is Britain’s finest hour, or minute maybe, or maybe just second. Enough time to rewind the old super 8’s of the sixties and marvel at how the Beatles  morphed from mop tops to acid heads in the blink of a historical eye. “Never mind the bloody music,” say the experts, t’was the celebrity culture what done it!

So wrap yourself in that flag once reserved for groups with racist overtones, and feel the stingy pride of post colonialism. We’re all peasant farmers now, vassals to the crown and her cronies who need somewhere to park their super yachts for the Queen’s birthday celebrations before chugging off into international waters to avoid paying taxes while burning through 600 litres of high Sulphur crude – just far enough away to call themselves offshore to use incoming rubber dingies overloaded with nationless poor people for target practice – while some un-resigned flunkie tries to turn round the supertanker.

LEADER’S BREXIT PROMISE FULLFILLED!

lastly, thank you David for dragging the nation into a puddle before letting your mates whack it with cricket bats until it lies bloody and swollen as a trapped Koi Carp gasping for air while the gulls glide excitedly down from overhead.

TKO is final blow to Brexit Poll Road Show!

for more info see Politoons Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum
do follow, share, link and tweet us (and BTW yes, he was great) thanks for dropping in
Politoons

Politoons Brexiteer’s Unfocus Group Guide to the Referendum (B.U.G.G.E.R.) pt I

A Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum
(B.U.G.G.E.R) pt I

 

Free your Mind, unfocus your group and lets break down the break down in communication that is descending into farce and makes the monster raving looney party look like they actually have a coherent policy for governing Britain.

Firstly, our great leader – no not him, the other one, the one the Queen likes – has been in the hot seat, squirming under fire on Sky ( a bastion of sticky pudding quagmire for the less than right minded). Not for the first time David has been forced out of his chauffeur driven comfort zone when coming fact to face with the voting public, or as he learnt to refer to them at Eton “OIKS!”

Of course, it is a different story when David operates on the international scene. For example when he forces his way into the open doors of Brussels to fight for a stronger deal for Britain in Europe, he is more likely to be received as an elder(ly) statesman, amongst peers.

*Verpiss Dich, roughly translates as “EFFF OFF!”

There are many issues to discuss at these meetings, its not all about Britain (sadly as most Brexiteers think, Britain is often ignored in Brussels apart from when it isnt) Different countries have pressing issues of their own which for some reason they think are important too.  Migration for example. Different countries tackle this crisis in different ways. Denmark for instance has instigated an entry fee, similar to amusement parks, cinemas, and some public lavatories. Asking people who have sacrificed everything to sacrifice a little more to prove their patriotism to a nation they want to get into just long enough to be able to then move on somewhere else.

So let’s not forget what we’ve learnt from being Europeans in the past – not just sanitation, human rights and the renaissance, but culturally too, Talent contests for instance, things we have adapted and made our own.

We may be as likely to win the Eurovision Song Contest as Elvis is to show up on a fast food stall in Bolivia selling guinea pig fritters, but Britain punches above it’s weight when it comes to the Eurorevisionist History Contest. The recent London finals ended in a dead heat between two of the capital’s most vociferous rivals.

As far as Brexiteering closer to home goes,  a lot of people think that Scotland might have another referendum on an UKxit if the Brexit goes ahead. This has unsettled a lot of would be highland settlers but has not gone unforeseen by the Brexit Nudist Camp.  Michael Gove, rumoured to have descended from the dead – some of whom were once Scottish Scottish has the perfect solution to placate all those who might miss the kilts, bagpipes, iron brew and scotch bonnets should the Highlanders Sling their hook. Gove’s vision is to replace Scotland with another nation like Turkey, and solve the west Lothian Question forever by simply not having a place called that anymore.

In fact the Leave Movement’s League of the Unwelcome – of which Michael is Chairwarmer – speaks a language that speaks to the silent majority who don’t like to speak themselves in modern Brexitland. With an uncanny ability to convince the public that when they see anyone speaking to voters that person must be a lizard that talks absolute rubbish, or as the twitter sphere has come to call it, #Nige-a-bollox

What’s significant here is that we as a nation of people who complain about things all the time, like the weather for instance (hasn’t it been dreadful? Tsk, and the summer isn’t looking too clever either…) are finally talking about what it means to be British and European all at once,  with an actual tunnel that connects us to the continent like an umbilical cord! #Amazing!

The important thing is that we can trust our “elected” leaders to make important decisions about the future of the country and give us the facts, straight up…

So the future has never looked brighter!

(BTW Will the last Briton to leave the EU brick up the tunnel behind them?)

that’s the end of part 1, but tune in on Monday, June 6th for part two in POlitOons Serial Referendum BUGGER Special!

 

follow us or leave us a message or comment, we’d love to hear from you
cheers
Mac D
editor
http://www.politoons.com

Eurorevision results now in

With the help of Mein Camp and several other plot thickening conspi-racists the latest contradictory polls have been un-sampled and Politoons is proud to be the first to reveal that the head to head between old London Mayors has been judged a split decision everywhere (apart from The Ukraine which has held its own separate but equal contest in the autonomous region of Putinsia)

Politoons will keep you consumed with twit feeds and hash blag postings on an incontinent basis as the newsfeeds stumble in from the pub.

(can we get done for this? – ed)

 

find out more by following Politoons (except into the lavatory of course, where we require time to ourselves)

Black Star’s Death Star Encore!

Thousands mourn because it seems like the right thing to do!

More deaths of well known figures than normal for this time of year piles the pressure on tv’s talking heads to remember where they were when they dressed up and got drunk a bit.

Members of the newly formed Grief Police – a subsidiary of INterPol dedicated to questioning emotional states in online communities –  have been un-friended in their thousands over the past week as millions worry that their sole and very private but very real although largely unrecognized relationship with variously deceased public figures are not being taken seriously enough by suspected GP social media account holders.

Social Media Spikes over Dead David Likes!

Facecrook and Twitzer have been deluged with requests from their customer/client/content producer communities to block previous friends who critique their claim to being the most important anonymous figure behind the career of recently expired pop artists and actors.

Threatening anyone who says ‘C’mon, we’re all dying, it’s just some die faster than others, so let’s get over it’ with the kind of fate that awaits convicted animal abusers released into the wild, social mediators are patrolling websites and news feed 24/7 in an attempt to identify and name people who are not taking the recent deaths of songwriters and actors seriously.

Self Censors are the new Self Expressionists say Self Experts!

‘In a world of social conformity, dying is the new parameter of freedom of expression,’ says Pirate.com dark net blogger Seigfried Chichnwingz. Recent studies indicate that (s)elf-censorship now accounts for the majority of actual censorship inside the internet, and this new self regulatory conformity is being applauded by government agencies struggling to find legal methods of containing non-socially mediated behaviour and freedom of expression.

Media corporations welcome the new self censoring social parameters and are preparing to take their findings to places like North Korea, where they hope to win licenses enabling them to drive new user traffic through pay per click pop ups and favoured advertising bannerisms.  ‘Places where existing censorship once meant we had no chance of making money without losing credibility internationally are now like totally up for this self moderating social media model!’ Said a social media guru putting a blue plaque on the entrance to their estate yesterday. ‘And anyone who doesn’t like it gets banned – unless they’re really famous in which case we’ll sit back and take a slice of their million-hits-a-minute pie!’

Celebrity Death to be Expanded New Study Says!

Picking up on the theme of cherished celebrity deaths, media networks are prowling their back catalogues in the hope of finding more previously contracted artists who had drug/alcohol/or other abuse problems before they become dead. There is a new completely statistically led scheme to rehabilitate forgotten D-listers into the next generation of dead stars that people reminisce about fondly. The BBC has sent researchers into its 50 year old productions such as The Black and White Minstrel show, On the Buses, and other reactionary, racist and aging empire based cultural artifacts to find personalities long forgotten since who could be the next sensational demise to hit the online community.

Rumours persist that the BBC intends to kill off one of its most endeared Eastbenders characters ‘Peggy’ because her expected real life death hasn’t happened quickly enough to capitalize on the outpouring of grief expected when she dies. In response to news of her scheduled death, the famous character Estrogenagon from ‘WTF Godo – look at the time!’ was asked to reminisce about the Carry On actress’s  career: ‘Every character has their day – but did you really watch all of Carry On Camping, or just the bit with her catapulting bra?’

Ashes to Ashes…

Having forgotten about the middle east, oil prices, the NHS, schools and my mother’s birthday the editors of POlitoons wish to express their mourning at the passing of Emery Papers, the unknown make up artist who accidentally tripped while working on David Bowie’s face and ended up creating a trademark multi-coloured z across his eyes that has become eternally synonymous with the man who wrote ‘Please Mr. Gravedigger’. RIP Star(m)fan

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My Day Off – episode 11 link to podcast

Bit of a mix up at the station so here’s the unadulterated podcast version MY DAY OFF EPISODE 11 

Howdy – and don’t forget Doodey too! it’s time for the surrealistic  noncommittal plagiarism of thought processes known as My Day Off to offend your ear defenses with the shock and awe of a fast as the speed of light or your service provider will allow.

Yes it’s episode 10 of the 15 minute freak show, so batten down your seat belts and clip on your hatches for the free ride of shared consciousness that will take you to 2pm GMT without batting an eyelid.

check out more info and older episodes eternally stored on the infernal web right here right now!
x macd

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Politoons The Serious Human Rights Bit 2015

There will be a pOlitOOns year end review, don’t get me wrong, I’m still as jaded cynical and pessimistic as ever! But just before we go there, I’m passing on the word about some of the International political cartoonists who came up against it this year, brutally murdered, imprisoned, threatened, facing decades in jail or just being censored everyday. The artists who don’t necessarily make it on the front pages. Some – even most – of them you may not have heard of but if you want to find out more please visit the Cartoonists Rights website

Cartoonist Jiang Yefei ‘repatriated’ to China

We started out the year with the Charlie Hebdo massacre,but that is neither the beginning of these things nor the end. The Chilean writer Ariel Dorfman says
“Seen from the perspective of Latin America, the assault on Charlie Hebdo is both terrifying and familiar… over the last decade a slow massacre of journalists has been soiling, haunting, infecting Latin America, an almost invisible siege against press freedom. Not as dramatic or spectacular or on the fault-lines of Islam and the West as what happened with Charlie Hebdo, but nevertheless an assault that has been incessant and dreadful and methodical.” On a different note Arthur Matthews, one of the co writer of ‘Father Ted’ wrote in the Index of Censorship’s Issue “Charlie Hebdo: The Global View”. He talked about drawing cartoons for the New Musical Express in the early 1990’s: “The idea was to amuse the reader, not antagonize the object of the cartoon”.

POlitoons view is similar, caricature is about humour not antagonism. If anyhing political cartoong is often recyclable because the political world is a very repetitive place- we seldom learn from mistakes, and consequently most political cartoons don’t come with expiry dates.
It’s worth remembering that there is a serious side. Freedom of Expression takes a battering everywhere, freedoms and human rights are only real if humans can exercise them in the first place. Lots of things like laws snd rights look good on paper – just like cartoons for that matter!

Forms of censorship don’t just happen at the state level either. There is the undercurrent of trolling on the internet, for instance, there are many places and cultures where the law says one thing in words but not necessarily on the street. There is much un-coded reality to pick at.  In p the end tyranny loves a good silence, it sees it as a step on the road to success.

Not everything is funny, but for a satirist that in itself is a funny thing indeed!

here’s a previously published poem about the Syrian cartoonist, Ali Fezat

Ali Fezat

The wire-men broke his hands
and in the years before he drew again,
his healed bones imagined once invisible
guns and time in sections
behind the captor’s masks
discarded on the road to Damascus

Along the humming wire
justified text and censored illuminations
hid those men reflecting everyday on screens
angled light and shade contrasting the far away hours

The rolling pen moves on and smoothly traces
the sweetness of drying ink and drier tears
hardening hands to their task like tempered steel
the itch, the scratch, the page, the unbroken art

macd

and
ho ho ho!

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lift off for space race outakes remake!

by the bye, buy this book!

do get in touch info@thepoetrypoint.com
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XXX judges decide final Hex factor finalist!

 

 

Hex Factor judge Simon Callow stood before a crowd of actors in the fly on the wall documentary of his reality television soap opera and watched them drop their wireless microphones in unison last night.  The latest person to sound like all the other persons that have the hex factor nearly cried again ( subject to contract) when famous Judge person Mr. Simon said she reminded him of someone who previously had reminded him of someone before.  The final finalist hid her eyes as she tried to think of the worst thing that had ever happened in a failed attempt to cry to camera. Failing that, she went on to wonder  who they heck he meant? And no, it wasn’t the Susan woman famous for singing old music hall favorites who combines a unique shortness of breath with a similar stature.

enjoy your politoon moment until the next time.

x factor (ed)

pOlitOOns – the more war for less issue #18, dec, 2015

Dictionaries Declare: “This” Means “War!”

In a rush of blood and bones through the casualty department of humanity, the government intends to spend all of its time on Wednesday redefining the word “this” as an act of parliament. “This”, a word formerly used instead of pointing at something, will be amended by English Members to make dropping bombs in far away places easier for limited British military resources. An unofficial language expert explained government intentions to use the “this” crisis to highlight what “this” could mean in future:”As we’re spending so much on aid in foreign countries, it only makes sense that we show off what we can do with “this” to help others understand that they COULD VERY WELL get aid like “this” should they carry on insisting they don’t!”

Tories Told To Bully More Privately As Public Eye Exposed To Conservatory Trepanning Permission!

With the threat of losing their bombing campaign before it gets off the ground, troops loyal to president CamASSADmeron have vowed to heap pressure on their opposite number’s heads, barrel bombing all approaches to front bench headquarters and dropping support for party activists lately discovered to be sadistic zealots. Forcing such resignations may mean there will no longer be anyone left to sit on government benches and vote for changing the face of the nation beyond recognition, say experts paid to think like career minded politicians. This would leave the Prime Minister vulnerable to accusations that he sits alone at his play station while railing against the injustice of having to plead with pacifists to support his air strikes: “Please…? Pretty please…? Pretty please with a knighthood on top…?”

Using precision targeting techniques and getting into bed with other terrorizing governments this government previously wished to bomb in their last failed attempt to win votes to invade and influence the pacifist people of Britain, war footing strategists claim to have suddenly found 70,000 pieces of fabricated cannon fodder already fighting in Syria that need our undying love and air power. The P.M. is to turn to parliament with his hand raised asking to be excused while the rest of the class backs his assertion that the proposed war will be over by Xmas. David Hammeron laid out his case for war in the simplest terms: “For one, as there are no WMD’s to be found this time – apart from the one’s we’ll be dropping – we can assure the nation that Father Christmas Cola will neither remain grounded, nor be forced to deliver gift wrapped world capitalism through Amazin drone strikes while watching pigs fly at the North Pole as so many anti-xmasists opposite claim!”

Major Causes of Climate Concern Throw Their Unpaid Tax Money at Problem Change!

In a new xmas ad campaign, brand loyalists aim to keep their status updates in the news while Parisian protesters are thrown in jail without their shoes for saying the same thing in public. Dark Zuckerberg, Death Star generalissimo of FaceBake heritage, has overcome his reputation for sucking up information and turning it into advertising gold by investing in climate change as an innovative publicity strategy – meaning everyone thinks more positively about him and the other 84 richest members of our species on the planet. Using the Gates template for salving corporate conscience by attempting to cure world grief by curing a supposedly incurable disease of some kind, or by funding prototype mammalian missions to mars, the world’s richest off shore people intend to buy off world opinion and find a way back to green and pleasant landed gentry in order to return earthlings to the peace and love that inspires so many cat photos to be uploaded to the internet daily – certain proof experts say, of the ever evolving genius behind the myth of human wisdom.

Climate Change Deniers Switch Allegiance To Causes Of War Coalition!

Troubling interpretations of conflict revolution techniques mean that squabbles continue to break out like adolescent acne around the breakfast table in the Kremlin war room. While China attempts to build military wind farms on disputed pacific island territory, parachuting former soviet auto pilots are braving disputed borders in order to smuggle themselves and other supposedly communist-era regimes into Europe through an island of Lesbians. Looking as fresh faced as a burkha shop window display, the German Chancellor Angela Merc-rules posed yesterday in the Turkish photo shoot of EU members applauding dubious human rights records, hurrying along the treaty compromise over the current refugee crisis engulfing British intentions to join in the war game being played out in the Middle East because of what happened in Paris – a town somewhere south of Armorica, the home of former De Gaullist hero, Asterix.

And in other animal news:

Dead Chickens Need More Support Than Dead Cows!

Studies into murdered animals claim to have concluded that as it takes far more chicken’s lives to fill the belly of your average human carnivore, we should consider the number of actual chickens that are extinguished everyday just to put meat-style food on our tables when compared with other live animals that become dead for human consumption – such as ‘beef’ cattle. “Take a cow, for instance” said an expert trying to sound ethical, “a whole one would be difficult to digest in one sitting” he said while checking beneath his car for speed bumps.”On the other hand, you can eat chickens by the bucket-load and still have room for pudding!” For some consumers of food, this raises moral questions about the quantity of animals being killed for the purpose of their appetite reduction sensations. The latest studies compare life to size in several ways that hungry people don’t think of very often and which other experts suggest aren’t that important. ” If we can think about the same thing in different ways, in the end we’ll think differently about the same thing over time.” said an expert in how to say meaningless things without looking like an idiot.

“The deaths of certain animals are definitely size related.” Said a praying mantis female to it’s male sexual partner before biting his head off and laying her eggs in his abdomen for the impending larva to eat their way out of. Meanwhile Animal Farms around the country find the new statistics positively Orwellian in their implications. “No one’s even bothered to mention pigs yet” said a troubled porker at the trough. “Pigs always fall through the net, we’re neither small enough like chickens or big enough like cows for anyone to bother with, unless of course they don’t want to eat us at all, in which case we just get used as objects of abuse in religious circles.” Other pigs snorted in agreement, while a family of earthworms claimed to have proof that missing members of their family previously thought to have burrowed away on holiday had actually been drowned by humans before their bodies were then eaten by fish in a nearby river. Several selfies claiming to be of said worms were then produced while an entire school of fish are currently being gutted for their earthly remains by Japanese Whaling experts.

“Humans don’t seem bothered about the idea they might eat each other” said a passing spider busy cocooning a butterfly “Human animals should try to keep things in perspective – my mother killed herself so we’d have something to eat besides each other when we were born – I don’t think you people know which side of the web you’re stuck on sometimes!”

(no dead chickens could make themselves available for comment today.)
check out the new exhibition of MacD’s large works on canvas The Enigma’s Progress currently installed at Jam Records, Falmouth:

“Mac Dunlop’s new series introduces the visitor to an array of dramatically coloured imagery combined with beautiful line drawings and poetry.”

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Politoons, issue #13: WTF? oh yeah, I heard about that…

Wake Up! My Day Off is screaming at you:

“There, stewing like hot plated sovereigns in dish shaped bowls of cratered earth I gathered crops of tooth paste and floss into mouthfuls of saliva and spat them out like so much discarded conversation.”

(an excerpt from episode 8 of My Day Off – episode 5 goes out this Monday at 10pm on London’s Resonance FM)

Meanwhile, back in reality…

The Queen’s Palace Dream is a Nightmare in Waiting:

Don’t worry though. El Queeno – the strange annual effect of dominion over the pacified nations of the formerly wave ruling United Kingdom has influenced government weather formations enough to exponentially increase the income of the wealthiest monarch in the country (well, the only one…) Meanwhile simultaneous tax credit subtraction from people who can’t afford to pay tax is being used to feather her highness’s nest. Equality has officially become something that Old Etonians can discuss over quail eggs and caviar without fear of revolution, as they bemoan the loss of empire that had previously banished the unruly or unkemp to some far flung corner of the globe – Happy Birthday Magna Carta!

Health Self-Service Sound Byte says Minister:

Meanwhile sickness is rife in the health service, where illness is being singled out by the Minister for Health PLC. “Look” says he of the needlessly unsympathetic when confronted by advisors,  “I’ve sent you a letter saying shut up or take early retirement. You can’t have both so if you don’t like it, choose your weapons now!”

250 thousand people can’t be wrong:

Protesters in London scratched at the surface of what is wrong with Britain when they said enough was enough and waited for the Prime Minister to admit he’d got it wrong on pretty much everything. Even the Prime Minister was forced to admit he was wrong about one thing: that 5 years ago,  even he never imagined that the Conservative Party could have gotten away with it.

It’s Official – English Women ARE Better at Footie than English Men:

In football news, no one noticed that England was doing well for once, because it was the woman’s team. England’s Women made it into the quarter finals of the world cup before the men did (in fact no British men’s team has ever managed to qualify for any women’s world cu). Given that the world cup is taking place in the colonies anyway, it is expected that no one will notice unless the English Lionesses come back with a nice shiny cup, or failing that, a series of leaks about performance enhancing drug use. The media waits with baited breath and potential hash tag news feed space – largely because football is more popular than other drug sports like cycling and distance running in the battle of  between media sexists and media sexiness.

International Invasions Invasive, study finds:

In other invasions this week Saudi Arabia has bombed the living spit out of its neighbour Yemen, while Syria and Iraq are still considered fair game as far as dropping anything that goes ‘boom’ goes.

And that’s about it, for this week’s important “WTF” moments of modern history. Apart from Presidents using the N word obviously, and petrol heads continuing to profit from the most over priced form of racing in human history (as Formula 1 popularity begins to sag, it is time to sell sell sell!)

 

Good luck with your sweet dreams, and don’t forget to tune into the “splendidly idiosyncratic” My Day Off on Radio Resonance FM 104.4 in London, or live on your wet dream webstream. Monday Nights, 22:00 hr GMT +1
cheers for now,
x macd

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My Day Off, a new series of 15 minute audiations

My Day Off is a series of 15 minute humorous monologues by Mac Dunlop
episode 1

I always find it difficult to describe what a monologue is to be or not to be. My last series Unspoken Words had a simple soundbyte, it was “about a single word, and what a single word could inspire”, a series of humourous monologues that were held together by a single tenuous thread, a different single word each week. UW ran for forty 15 minute episodes on Cornwall’s The Source FM, and London’s Resonance FM between 2010 and 2012.

Now, having lost you in terms of my ‘elevator pitch’ time frame, I want to introduce you to what My Day Off is not:

1) it is not another Unspoken Word series.

2) it is not linear narrative (it accommodates the capacity of a single voice to trample all over sense and sensibility).

3) it is not real, it is a rapid fire approach to containing what happens next within a 15 minute linear time frame.

4) it is not unfunny.

5) I refer my honourable member to the answer I gave moments ago*.

*p.s. no search engines were harmed in the writing of this Press Release

check out the MY Day Off vibe right here, right now!

and

POlitOOns April Issue 2015, #10

Anti-Gay Gay Laws Gunned down by Rifle Association Lobby in Foyer of Religious Senior Living Homes!

Discrimination has recriminations for retro-fitted equality legislation as worrying signs of idiocy resurface in American Culture yet again. Without thinking it through, some knee jerk states have asserted their fifth column amendment rights to freedom of stupidity and disqualified themselves from being nice to others on religious grounds. Outside one church built to withstand the second coming, a well armed pastor rebuked suggestions that they were racist homophobes with nothing better to do than complain that everyone else is not an exact clone of their mother.

Loneliness seen as next social status to receive government research funding says study into the best things to say if you want to make any applications for funding!

New studies indicate that instant communication has replaced less instant communication that can take days. While people want to show how appreciative they are of others who spend ridiculous amounts of time on meaningless status updates, they do not want to have to wait around impatiently for long periods, waiting for what they’ve just posted to come up on their screens. “Ideally, the insignificant thing you want to say should arrive in your in box before you send it.” says an expert who spends a lot of time online and is only available through Skype.

Teachers take on jobs as part time politicians in parliamentary education shake up!

Secretary for Everything-that-is-wrong-with-this-country, Cleric Pickles, has told dog walkers that they could soon be fined for using unregistered leads and dog collars as the government promises to get tough on pets and tough on the causes of pets.

We can’t possibly say what we’re planning because we have no planning permission! says Tory Election Strategist

Bill Rights, the government salaried whimsicalist says “There is nothing like presenting your policies in the clearest possible manner, but we as a government need to sort out some copyright issues before publishing our ideas for the future now. Besides… Bill went on to say “…the less we say, the better we do!”

Plane Chem Trails Pale in Plain Sight Oversight!

An airplane carrying the hopes and dreams of a generation has been lost in the fog of anti European sentiment say airport officials who cannot get work permits to fly beyond the end of the landing strips of major transport hubs. With the wheels coming off the undercarriage of polluting the planet using gas guzzling jet engines at high altitude, airport duty free tax inspectors have decided to impose new queues and confusion on their paying customers during the busiest times in the air industry calendar.

Famous People Dying Unnecessarily say Obituary experts!

“More than average famous people are dying every week, and government statistics are powerless to stop it!” Said someone in a tweet sent around the world becuase the writer felt bored. Other commentators expanded on the subject saying that “If even mostly famous people can’t live forever, then what chance have the rest of us got?” Later editions of the hashtag controversy included the thoughts of anonymous users who can easily be tracked by government agencies, or even private corporations that are willing to spend some of their fat cat billions on watching insignificant others express themselves through the pooh storm of interwebbery that passes for human intimacy these days.

England nearly Play Football after Cricket disaster and Murray Fury at Golf’s Masters creates blurry word slurry over Italian Job’s sorry match tie story

Having equalled the worst in the world one way or another, English sport fans hailed the Galaxy of American L.A. as they honoured a middling midfield Englishman with a 16. 5 million dollar house in the rising sun – if not their starting 11. Rumours that David Gerrard and Steven Beckham will be seen together in California while over the age of forty have been circulating in the United States of Anti Gay laws for weeks, as the ex-pat Little Englanders happily avoid tax in the only way their accountants know how.

Tune in for more soon, in the meantime why not

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POlitOOns March 2015, issue #8

This week’s World News:

Harrison Furd’s Near Miss!

ISIS is in CRISIS!

National News:

The Empty Chair Debate!

The National Illness Service!

Regular Politoon Services:

The Cartoon Caption Contest!

The Free Things that Everyone looks for in an e-magazine!

Have your hearsay here! (at the bottom of this supplement)

World News

Star Wars Pilot Crash not Career Ending!

Agents for doctors auditioning to treat Harrison Fjord say that the flight of nostalgia the actor flew onto a crazy golf course could not have been prevented. A caddy for the heart throb pensioner said the plane was as old as the actor so it was no surprise that it had it’s ‘moments’ from time to time.

An aviation expert explained: ‘what goes up must come down… and that is especially true of airplanes.’

Meanwhile aging director George ‘I-am-your-father’ Lucas said that when the 70 year old acting pilot comes to the end of his career, he will be digitize d for future episodes. The film’s producers suggest the whole golf course/plane crash incident may well have saved lives who could in turn could become future audiences. The director lauded the actor even as he was being wheeled away from the nineteenth green in a hospital trolley, “Didn’t even need a second take! What more can you ask for in an actor?”.

There is already talk of an Oscar nomination in the 2016 Charlie Sheen Career Crash category. The new Star Wars Branding exercise is expected to be coming soon to a galaxy far away near you…

CR-ISIS over whether ISIS is IS or IS IS?

Militant Issisians have surrounded ancient burial grounds and started bulldozing artifacts from before they were born in an attempt to rewrite geography in their own image.  Meanwhile, the ISIS existential CRISIS continues as different parts of the world refer to different anagrams when referring to them. This has led to a re-registering of websites and media outlets in expectation that one or the other name changes will become official, leading to an enormous number of hash-tags having to be re-spelt.

PMT’s Absence causes Argument over Debate!

The empty chair of the Prime Minister came under fire in Britain this week as the unelected leader of the un-elected British government un-seated himself from Westminster Debating club circles. The Leading Opposing Leader was so enraged that he threatened to make non-debating illegal if elected, arguing that not arguing was not what the people want their unelected un-representatives to be doing or undoing before they are next not elected.

Cameron accuses Labour SNP link of being un BNP-ish

The prime minister hit back at being called a ‘chicken’ by his critics.  Waving white feathers in the air and sticking his tongue out while blowing through his pursed lips, the leader of  England accused his opposite number of not adding up when it came to chatting with other people who might get elected too.  Saying that Scottish people who want independence from England shouldn’ be allowed to have a say in running the country, the Conservative Leader begged his unknown deputy Nick (peg) Legg to stand up and be counted by sitting in the empty deck chairs on the Titanic being provided by the BBC, Sky and ITV.  The media companies hope to make a meal of anything that doesn’t have to do with policies if politicians are elected as expected. This may interfere with viewer ratings when compared with football, “BeerWulf Hall”, and “Call the Midwife because-we-don’t-make-housecalls” style documentaries.

Ill people told they will walk again if they start walking in the first place!

NHS backroom staff have suggested a new miracle cure to prevent death, illness and unfitness for work.  Based on the “it’s your fault in the first place” diagnostic method being championed in government covens, people across the country are advised to exercise their right to exercise as a way of bringing down the cost of the National Health Service that they pay for – although this is not intended to make it any cheaper, except for private contractors interested in taking part in National Illness. Studies show that if people exercise for 30 minutes five times a week, they are more likely to have less time to notice things getting worse.  Statistics show that people who exercise more than enough are also more likely to consider that ill people only have themselves to blame anyway.

“Half an hour isn’t much when you’re not doing anything anyway!” Health Sinister Jeremiah Hunt said to someone who couldn’t get up because they had made themselves so unwell. Doctors who want to make more money from working for the state have chided the ill for not trying hard enough, saying “It is simply no longer good enough to make a contribution through buying vast amounts of cigarettes, or alcohol, and paying exorbitant tax on it!” The same doctor paused before looking up from his stethoscope and added “People have got this idea that the money they put into the NHS pays for the service at their point of need, but being sick, ill or disabled is not necessarily the NHS’s fault, nor it’s intention!”

Other doctors disagree, but most NIS whistle-blowers have been silenced in the government coven’s recent pre-election witchHunts. Whistle-blowers have been shown by government media supporters as damaging to the image of the One Nation One Health Service System and have been silenced at taxpayers expense. Health Mini-mister Foxtrot Tango Hunt says “Their actions could affect the price we get for privatizing bits and pieces as we go along, and that would be bad for the economic upturn on which the well-being of everyone who has an offshore account, is not domicile in this country or banks with HSBC depends!” 

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Politoons 2015, issue # 6

E-Votes to follow E-Fags route!

Come election time, voters will dribble out in their tens or so complaining about the weather and how much easier it would be to stay at home and do this sort of thing online, like mostly everything else in their lives.  Government officials agree, suggesting that interwoven pleb providers should slash costs for people who must use electricity to fill out confusing ballot forms.  Energy providers say they are willing to help people vote, offering discounts to those who use their services if they vote as recommended by energy advisers and use the new fossil fuel loyalty card scheme.  Offering air miles, coal fired warmth, and nuclear powered hot water facilities, the big 6 providers are encouraging people to ‘vote for their lives’ in return for fixed rate discounts on their locked-in price rising tariffs.

TV Reviews because there is not enough News!

Big Bother!
Kim Khazakstan has emerged from the Big Brother bubble to show off her new range of close fitting soap dishes. (‘more bath wear than formal wear’ says our fashion editor) Meanwhile stupor model Katie Half Price has also enter the house and attendant fray, saying things that embarrass her former partner, their children and anyone with a modicum of intelligence (although the later are not know to have admitted to watching the new series).

Woulf Mall!
The historic re-enactment of a load of stuff that happened 500 years ago in a medieval shopping centre near Croydon is based on a the fictionalisation of a true story about dying town centres in Tudor England. The ongoing series now in it’s first one is all made up in the best tradition of British costume dramas, and has received rave reviews for being over-intentionally dull.  With no artificial light used to illuminate the Mall where the wolves live, Hillary Mantelpiece – scribe to the nation, and patented originator of the idea of historic fiction – has complained herself that the film locations are too dark to write in, and without historically accurate wi-fi, she has thus far been unable to make up the next installment of the series.  Hearing of Mantlepiece’s plight, the Queen (currently being played by Helen Mirren) has kindly offered Mantelpiece free entry to all National Trust properties, asking only that a part for her be written into the show should it be retained for a second series.

In other Loyal Royal news:

Prince Charles, married twice and would be king who writes to people all the time in an attempt to influence their decisions, has raised a pair of bushy eyebrows at the thought of mounting the throne.  “Oooh Errr!” said the prince privately to his present wife (a gift bride from Dubai, with the honorary title of a Ferry in Cornwall). Once it was explained to the prince that there would be no mounting or Game of Thrones while his mother was still propped up on it, Charlie visibly relaxed before returning to his Cornish Feifdom, where a huge development that will make him richer than he ever needs to be is taking up most of his waiting time while Mater continues to tick off her  bucket list. (even Royals have to queue sometimes, it seems! ed.)

 

7th Politoon Caption Contest Winner!

This month’s questionable non-profit prize goes to  Mr. C Insoll, local lad done good by all accounts (if you mean Swiss bank accounts managed by HSBC!) Oh yes, more of them this week!

Bartender: What are you drinking?
Customer: I’ll have another…………”
Bartender: What’s with the paws?

Bartender: What are you drinking?
Customer: I’ll have another…………”
Bartender: What’s with the paws?

Tune in for more February Supplements over the coming days, so follow, feed, and generally spread the jam … I mean word!

 

The Enigma Deviations – the second volume of MacD cartoons with over 120 selections is out now

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Short Breaking news – Plain Packaging to be trialed in election campaigns!

Plain Packaging rules to be used in Election Campaign!

Politicians around the world have broadly welcomed the idea of not being identifiable to voters in future election campaigns. Research shows that the spread of voting across parties is relatively unchanged, even when whom people vote for comes as a complete surprise.

Seeing this as an opportunity to make voting more fun – like scratch cards – election reformists insist that if we must pretend to be a democracy and have elections, then more people are likely to engage if there is a chance of winning something for themselves.

The coming UKIsland plc elections could be the first to offer £10 spot prizes with scratch card ballot papers and online betting sites where voters could find themselves in line to win a range of cash and other prizes, such as lottery funded NHS services or free University places for friends and loved ones.

Look out for the next full issue of Politoons landing on your virtual doorstep on Monday February 2nd!

for more on Politoons, attendant paraphernalia, etc. click here

Politoons Issue #4, January 2015

Age of Dissent lowered amongst Consenting Adults

non-party young dissenter

As birthday parties have taken a pummelling over the last week due to parental guidance systems targeting absent youngster’s elders, the government has decided to lower the Age of Dissent to comply with the new Constitutional framework being discussed in Holy Rude – the Scottish seat of lavatorial power.  Nichola Farage, leader of the Scottish Independence from Scotland party has fueled speculation that the legal age of protest – currently set at the European average of nineteen and a half years – should be lowered to eighteen, meaning millions more

youngsters won’t need their parents permission to complain about everything.

the Scottish Parliament recently

Johnathan Porridge, leader of the “Let’s save the world by taking money from the people who are wrecking it” NGO has backed plans for the Davos WRF forum – World’s Richest Fockers – to publish an edict on who is allowed to protest against what they will do anyway.

President-about-to-retire Barrack Obladama of the United States of Multinationals has sent a previously vice presidential person to complain to the rich people about what rich people have and haven’t done recently.  Ex Vice person Al Bore wore an expensive suit and dragged along a rich creative person to show that the potential for Dissent among the young* (*defined in Davos literature as “future old people”) is higher than for any previous generation – as is the debt being handed down to them.

Falling oil price forces non profit environmentalists to seek non profits elsewhere!

Jonathon Porridge of the unsustainable future forum (UFF!) says the idea of conventional energy firms transitioning into alternative energy firms is pure grammatical fantasy, and that his years of executive pay at the helm of a lobby group that never got beyond the foyer were coming to an end. Porridge poured cold water on the idea that the oil industry might save the earth from human induced destruction saying that: “for-profit companies no longer take non-profit into consideration when deciding on the future of our planet.”

rich people recently

The Enigma Deviations – the second volume of MacD cartoons with over 120 selections is out now

and the 7th Politoon Caption Contest

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Politoons 2015 issue #3/ 16th of January

Manga Carter celebrates 800th anniversary edition!

Manga Carter, the comic book that laid the foundations of democracy in the 13th century is celebrated in a special 800th year edition that brings back all the key characters in the ultimate battle of legislation between rich and poor. King John, the whimsical King who ran up credit faster than a toothache causes pain, finds himself surrounded by robber Barons who want to see a decent return on their investment in his crown. Having lost most of France to the French, the English King must now pay back his lenders or face up to the Papal Bull that snorts in the corner of his power hungry mind. Tune into the final episode narrated by Melvyn Bragg, staring Ray Winston as the psychopathic monarch bent on unifying a nation by handing over full control of the law of the land to aristocrats who want to have a go at doing whatever they want whenever they want for a change!

Will England quake, or have a bake off? Only time will tell what our dark hero’s fate will be as he faces his greatest fear: Having his expenses scrutinized by an independent watchdog! Get Manga Carter! Outed Now, under royal seal and state protected.

Driverless economies to replace chancellors and treasury’s over coming decades!

The success of driver-less trains, planes and automobiles has emboldened the British Chancellor to make an election pledge to taxpayers that would officially make him redundant if a government wins the next election as expected. Plans for May 2015 include many more automatic ticket machines, barriers, check outs/ins for the burgeoning virtual country being touted as ‘e-UK.com’. a non-existent online nation to be sold off in dribs and drabs if a British government comes out on top in the Strictly Politics vote being held by the BBC this spring.

Judges are already practicing their metaphors, odd accents and handy quips in readiness for the peacock like displays expected from celebrity politicians. In an overview of how things are shaping up, the fau-clay company Play Doh has been manufacturing hand held devices to help young people create carefully crafted caricatures of their favourite political couch potatoes.

Expect more mud slinging, blood letting, and goofy photographs of people doing odd things like eating while on the campaign trail. Media moguls expect ski slopes to get their drifts to pile up as party leaders plow on down the slippery run in to the election.

Nostalgia rampant amongst over 50’s, latest studies reveal.

A worrying increase in nostalga-phobia is causing concern in diminishing government circles. Older people who in previous generations used to tell their younger counterparts how lucky they were to live in an age of combustion engines and atomic power, are increasingly being retro-negative about current lifestyles. Where the older generation once went on about rationing and being beaten with corporeal implements as part of their education, nowaday’s vintage citizenry are more likely to be telling the youngsters that they never had it so bad.

New policies by previously backward thinking political parties will make nostalgia-philia into a criminal offence, and are warning nearly previous generations to hold back on the ‘it was better in my day’ advice, or face having their ring fenced pensions un-ringed in future parliaments. A spokesperson for a group that wants to keep nostalgiaphilia legal was unavailable for comment yesterday, so we asked a senior editor to make up a quote on their behalf: “Telling young people about grants for education when they are only used to a world of loans, and being in debt before they leave the nest is an important part of this country’s heritage!” Our token oldie then went on to say “Living wages, employment contracts, social safety nets, freedom of expression and peaceful protest are bread and butter – obviously I mean bread and margarine for those who are vegan, and gluten free bread for… without nuts either, anyway gluten free bread, dairy free butter, right? – these are the issues that people don’t realise went along with making a killing on property values, being greedy about deregulation – let alone always moaning about the government and red tape without having the foggiest as to how you would do things differently. These are the memories that are under threat if we criminalize nostalgia, then no one will know what life was like before the internet let alone reddit, facecrook and twitting and whatsits! For the sake of future generations, we simply cannot stand idly by drinking bolly and waving our walking sticks in the air as if we were stereotypical representations of our parents!”

We all nod and smile patiently until the senior editor says “those who forget history are destined to…eh… whatsit!”

The Enigma Deviations – the second volume of MacD cartoons with over 120 selections is out now

and the 7th Politoon Caption Contest

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lastly, if you missed it, here’s a link to Charlie Inspired Politoons