Politoons February 2017 – The ‘Enough is Never Enough’ Issue

Last Sane Person Asked to Leave the White House!

In keeping with redefining journalists bent on seeking the truth as the new ‘enemies of the people’, newspeaking spokespeople for the Alt-Right House have rescinded the bus passes of older media organizations in favo(u)r of yo(u)ng upstart power ‘ho’s’ willing to promote the billionaire tax evading television reality star’s next series of re-truthings – a series of daily soap script pitches now being analysed by the Tea Party Senate for adherence to ‘truth, justice and the American way’. Once approved the highly detailed story lines will be used to construct a fly on the wall documentary about the Orange One’s first 100 days in office spent siphoning government funds into his various offshore franchises and business interests while deregulating Wall Street.

Britain finally figures out what Brexit means all by itself!

People all over the country watched two political election spin off dramas this week as UKIP un-picked itself from ever being elected to national office, the Labo(u)r party performed an emergency cesarean on itself and induced a panicky emergence of doubt amongst those who thought social justice meant agreeing with right wing Tories about leaving URUP while trying to make clear they intend doing so for very different reasons. The tactic has paid off according to recent reality opinion polls – formerly known as ‘by-elections’. “We knew thinking the same thing as the government but for different reasons would pay off eventually!” Said the Labo(u)r Monarch. “See how the people have decided things for the same reason by voting for them instead of us.” The Labo(u)ring Labo(u)r leader waved goodbye from his socialist state allotment, pointing to the the spade he had taken out of the shed to continue to ‘dig for Britain’ as the hole increased in size around him.

Brexperts predict Brexit soon to Brexist as the only BreSingularity!

“Brexit means we will do little else but talk about Europe even though the majority of the country thought they had voted by a huge majority for us to shut up about it!” The Prime Minister explained from her new bastion of Copeland where the last 80 years of political history vanished into the past – just like all the others. “Now we don’t have to focus on the failing NHS, slipping School Standards, Poverty, Disability Rights and all the other negative stories the Fake News Press *(*see Last Sane Person to Leave White House story above) have been touting to anyone old enough to buy a newspaper!” She said to rapturous applause before returning to her armoured car. “Let us now focus our attention and pool our resources around our overriding prejudices against anyone from neighbouring countries, near or far…” She said, sucking in her breath and pointing at her Just About Coping Squeezed Middle before muttering  “…which may soon include Scotland…” As she returning to London to cat sit for the House of Lords while it tried to make sense of how the political landscape had changed.

EXUKIP Leader insists leaving Europe will trigger mass immigration into the UK!

Meanwhile in the UKIP heartland of a motorway services, former leader of the free world Nige Farago made his pledge to the people of Britain to remove windmills from the countryside and make Britain Great again. Although not leader of anything now, the non-leader insists that the party he doesn’t lead anymore will – if elected –  build a wall to stop anyone leaving because triggering article 50 and the process of leaving Europe -which he had always desired – will mean an increase in immigration into the UK which he has always been against.  “Let me leave you with this final question” said the non-politician as he got in his car “How far up the road do I have to go before I can turn around and travel back down the way I really want to go?”

that’s it for this week’s news

but that’s not all – by any means necessarily!

newtate-2017-macd-s

“It’s uncannily life-like” says the new curator of the Tate Modern another average person helpless to affect change anywhere except perhaps in the donation bins located by the Gallery’s front entrance, there to remind visitors that accessibility to cultural events that enrich our lives is not where your tax money is being spent.
 
Merch!
Help us to keep our feet on the ground and our heads above water by joining in with capitalism gone mad!
Politoons T-shirts, cups, tea towels, cards and other fascinatingly prescient merchandise is available from Politoons.co.uk, send us a comment or email ‘info at politoons.co.uk’ and we’ll send you the vital statistics – ed.

 
 
 
 

president defect calls for nation to come together

 

The “Britain Rues, OK!” issue

SLEEP BEFORE YOU GO GO!

Now we can all sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that a bunch of people with no idea of what to do next are running the country. But when was it any different? The government has decided to consume itself with infighting and hatred, and – not out manoeuvred – so has the opposition.

ROAD MAP FOR BREXIT!

All roads in England now lead to the emergency Brexit – it’s just there through the unlit stairwell beneath the houses of parliament where Guy Fawkes once left enough barrels of gunpowder to blow the pips off the news bulletin at the top of the hour. If you find your way through that and the raw sewage pipes we had to clean up because of EU regulations (bah boo hiss! how dare they say how to clean a beach! What next? Climate Change? Nigel! Go get ’em boy! Kill Kill Kill! Grrr….) Eventually you’ll find yourself in the channel tunnel.  At least we’ll get our Calais  Jungle back “It’s coming home, they’re coming home The jungle’s coming home!” to Dover where it belongs along with all the struggling migrants trying to get into Britain. So, job done! All we have to do now is accept the will of a toussel haired nutcase who jumps on any passing bandwagon – or is that the United States? Whatever! Too much thinking causes cancer so less is more as far as breaking out the oars and rowing ourselves out into the mid Atlantic while the sharks circle to peck at the dangly bits slowing numbing in the reversing Gulf Stream goes.

THE PLAN… WHO’S GOT THE PLAN?

Perfect! So, plan of action time is over, we can all start to properly panic without politicians getting in the way with their wars of words or attempts at squeezing actual facts through the multi-headed multi-national multi-muck chucking meat mangle we call impartial media.
Thanks to them we can now sit back and watch as  Nigel Fexage and Ian Duncan Death Wish generate a double headed shit storm faster than the internet’s best cloud seeding chem trail conspiracy theory can spread search terms.

BRITON’S MINUS HOUR!

This is Britain’s finest hour, or minute maybe, or maybe just second. Enough time to rewind the old super 8’s of the sixties and marvel at how the Beatles  morphed from mop tops to acid heads in the blink of a historical eye. “Never mind the bloody music,” say the experts, t’was the celebrity culture what done it!

So wrap yourself in that flag once reserved for groups with racist overtones, and feel the stingy pride of post colonialism. We’re all peasant farmers now, vassals to the crown and her cronies who need somewhere to park their super yachts for the Queen’s birthday celebrations before chugging off into international waters to avoid paying taxes while burning through 600 litres of high Sulphur crude – just far enough away to call themselves offshore to use incoming rubber dingies overloaded with nationless poor people for target practice – while some un-resigned flunkie tries to turn round the supertanker.

LEADER’S BREXIT PROMISE FULLFILLED!

lastly, thank you David for dragging the nation into a puddle before letting your mates whack it with cricket bats until it lies bloody and swollen as a trapped Koi Carp gasping for air while the gulls glide excitedly down from overhead.

the Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum (B.U.G.G.E.R) part II

Will the last Briton to leave the EU please brick up the tunnel?

Of course it is very easy to trivialize the IN/OUT debate, to think of it as a form of navel gazing – which in some insey/outsey circles it used to be – but this decision does affect our lives, and our televising of sporting events. For example, the IN/OUT debate as it applies to the NHS:

The fact is, the outcome of this referendum won’t affect people my age nearly as much as it will the coming generations, but they have been well equipped by the Academization revolution that has dispensed with the arts to make more room for managers and assessment gurus. The new education system has streamlined the function of learning into it’s basic components.

A lot of people are concerned about how leaving Europe will affect them financially and how to manage their gold plated savings and bonus culture profit making…

But what gets most people is the Brussels double speak! The endless resources spent on whether to call a Pastie a Pastie, or whether Cream Teas come from Devon or Cornwall. ‘Tis health and safety gone mad! (shriek, tear hair out, shake fist behind windscreen in fit of rage, etc)

Of course for most people the biggest issue is security. Remember Charlie Hebdo? Sensible Brexiteers think we’re better off leaving the French to die on their own streets, to just walk on by, observe from a distance, stick two fingers in our ears and sing lah lah la lah lah la lah lah…! until they let us win at something.

“But” they say, what about our rights at work? Well lets face it the UK has been flouting EU work regulation for the last two successive governments, and seems to have an opt out clause on everything from the working time directive to written contracts, so if anything leaving Europe will just make exploiting the low waged and stripping them of their dignity as we do now, just that little bit easier for Mr. Boss Man.

In any case, the UK whether it becomes Scottish-less or not has always had in place some influential people behind the scenes ready to step in and take charge if a Brexit ends up going peer shaped…

So stiff upper lip and all that,
here’s to whatever happens next!

thanks for taking part in The Politoons
Brexiteer’s Unfocus Group Guide to the Referendum
(BUGGER for short)

follow us or leave us a message or comment, we’d love to hear from you
cheers
Mac D
editor
politoons.com

TKO is final blow to Brexit Poll Road Show!

for more info see Politoons Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum
do follow, share, link and tweet us (and BTW yes, he was great) thanks for dropping in
Politoons

Politoons Brexiteer’s Unfocus Group Guide to the Referendum (B.U.G.G.E.R.) pt I

A Brexiteer’s Unfocused Group Guide to the EU Referendum
(B.U.G.G.E.R) pt I

 

Free your Mind, unfocus your group and lets break down the break down in communication that is descending into farce and makes the monster raving looney party look like they actually have a coherent policy for governing Britain.

Firstly, our great leader – no not him, the other one, the one the Queen likes – has been in the hot seat, squirming under fire on Sky ( a bastion of sticky pudding quagmire for the less than right minded). Not for the first time David has been forced out of his chauffeur driven comfort zone when coming fact to face with the voting public, or as he learnt to refer to them at Eton “OIKS!”

Of course, it is a different story when David operates on the international scene. For example when he forces his way into the open doors of Brussels to fight for a stronger deal for Britain in Europe, he is more likely to be received as an elder(ly) statesman, amongst peers.

*Verpiss Dich, roughly translates as “EFFF OFF!”

There are many issues to discuss at these meetings, its not all about Britain (sadly as most Brexiteers think, Britain is often ignored in Brussels apart from when it isnt) Different countries have pressing issues of their own which for some reason they think are important too.  Migration for example. Different countries tackle this crisis in different ways. Denmark for instance has instigated an entry fee, similar to amusement parks, cinemas, and some public lavatories. Asking people who have sacrificed everything to sacrifice a little more to prove their patriotism to a nation they want to get into just long enough to be able to then move on somewhere else.

So let’s not forget what we’ve learnt from being Europeans in the past – not just sanitation, human rights and the renaissance, but culturally too, Talent contests for instance, things we have adapted and made our own.

We may be as likely to win the Eurovision Song Contest as Elvis is to show up on a fast food stall in Bolivia selling guinea pig fritters, but Britain punches above it’s weight when it comes to the Eurorevisionist History Contest. The recent London finals ended in a dead heat between two of the capital’s most vociferous rivals.

As far as Brexiteering closer to home goes,  a lot of people think that Scotland might have another referendum on an UKxit if the Brexit goes ahead. This has unsettled a lot of would be highland settlers but has not gone unforeseen by the Brexit Nudist Camp.  Michael Gove, rumoured to have descended from the dead – some of whom were once Scottish Scottish has the perfect solution to placate all those who might miss the kilts, bagpipes, iron brew and scotch bonnets should the Highlanders Sling their hook. Gove’s vision is to replace Scotland with another nation like Turkey, and solve the west Lothian Question forever by simply not having a place called that anymore.

In fact the Leave Movement’s League of the Unwelcome – of which Michael is Chairwarmer – speaks a language that speaks to the silent majority who don’t like to speak themselves in modern Brexitland. With an uncanny ability to convince the public that when they see anyone speaking to voters that person must be a lizard that talks absolute rubbish, or as the twitter sphere has come to call it, #Nige-a-bollox

What’s significant here is that we as a nation of people who complain about things all the time, like the weather for instance (hasn’t it been dreadful? Tsk, and the summer isn’t looking too clever either…) are finally talking about what it means to be British and European all at once,  with an actual tunnel that connects us to the continent like an umbilical cord! #Amazing!

The important thing is that we can trust our “elected” leaders to make important decisions about the future of the country and give us the facts, straight up…

So the future has never looked brighter!

(BTW Will the last Briton to leave the EU brick up the tunnel behind them?)

that’s the end of part 1, but tune in on Monday, June 6th for part two in POlitOons Serial Referendum BUGGER Special!

 

follow us or leave us a message or comment, we’d love to hear from you
cheers
Mac D
editor
http://www.politoons.com

Eurorevision results now in

With the help of Mein Camp and several other plot thickening conspi-racists the latest contradictory polls have been un-sampled and Politoons is proud to be the first to reveal that the head to head between old London Mayors has been judged a split decision everywhere (apart from The Ukraine which has held its own separate but equal contest in the autonomous region of Putinsia)

Politoons will keep you consumed with twit feeds and hash blag postings on an incontinent basis as the newsfeeds stumble in from the pub.

(can we get done for this? – ed)

 

find out more by following Politoons (except into the lavatory of course, where we require time to ourselves)

Politoons #20 The Not The Climate Change Issue!

No Trump is Madness!

A satirist think tank claimed that denying Donald J. Trump media space was robbing the humor industry of one of it’s main sources of income. “Satirical commentary is lost without the concept of someone like Trump at it’s heart.” said a confused funny person with deadlines to meet and too many surreal cynical things to come up with. Experts suggest that overexposure and the pressure to be seen to be doing something different from everyone else is forcing editors to insist that their satire departments – mostly interns doing work experience – avoid writing about Trump because he is already a walking lampoon. There is also growing concern that old fashioned newspaper print firms are running out of orange hair dye ink.

“Trump is a towering figure in the world of caricature, and cynical writers of American Politics should play to their strengths”, said a British Chancellor of the Exchequer before insisting this reporter add the cliche: “Britain is fixing the roof while the sun is shining!” The said Chancellor of the Exchequer -who is expected to become Britain’s first Chancellor of the Excontactless card for a trial period sometime in the new year – is rumoured to have told aides that being the butt of nose-butt jokes had troubled his dark soul for some time, however the load of caricature seems to have eased considerably since the Trump phenomenon stepped down from reality television and into people’s daily lives. Donaldo’s window of opportunity to go quietly before being pushed is now widely expected to be delayed until sometime after the American Residential Defections next year.

Care Home investors Care Less for Profit!

Pensioners are being encouraged to dip into their honey pots to sweeten life in old age, when they might need a spare room of their own. “Preparing for the future is the best way of securing the now!” said a bright spark sales rep at the “Beds In Old Folks Homes” (BIOF Homes) time share convention taking place near Flipside Majority, somewhere on the Tory Margins of Cameroon Keynes. Spokespersons say that investors can start small with a buy-to-let bed pan scheme and expect an immediate return on their excretion. Stock markets have risen in expectation of huge pensioner funds dumping their investments into the UK’s ageing Care Less Homes sector.

“Worrying people about the death of the NHS before their own demise has brought untold billions in questionable investments!” said a person counting the money at the BIOF Homes Conference ‘Hello’ badge collection point.

One automated ad campaigner who cold called me this morning, saying they had been trying to contact me regarding a recent injury claim made the case for the BIOF of Care Homes:”Profit from others now, and secure your own ailing self-care plan against the threat of future bed blockers already putting pressure on the underfunded Nonsense of Health Service and other crumbling social care facilities! To find out more press the star button now.”

Increase in MindLESSness linked to MindFULLness says expert thinker Dr. Lovejoy!

 

Reminded that the adult craze for their own coloring-in books is on the wane since no one showed up to shop on Black Friday, overweight consumers are turning to the expanding online market in things that take your mind off things – previously considered the preserve of  8 year olds and under. Marketing expert Lotti Boulshitze of the ‘What the dot dot dot” institute for consumer awareness says “this years craze for ‘the child inside’ gifts is popular because everyone wants to get back to a time when they weren’t necessarily responsible for making the world a better place, or for cleaning their own room”.

Seasonal spikes in calendar related consumer spending events such as Coca Cola’s sponsored “Christmas time” are considered to be the perfect moment for mature people to express their inner child’s desire to return to simpler times. “Christmas reminds us that there were times in history when things were as easy as: “Star, manger, immaculate conception – hey presto, Jo’s your uncle!”

FaceCrook under fire as hidden corporate tax receipts found in newborns daughter’s disposable diapers!

MZ and partner undertook their accountwat’s advice and set up an offshore hedge fund in their daughter’s name, making it look like they were giving away all their money instead of paying taxes. Many people realised later that their privacy settings had been changed, and found the loving “Rich beyond our Wildest Dreams!” couple staring back at them from a 3 hour U tube video explaining their tax avoidance plans to an unwanted and uncaring public.

International Finance Report

Analysts poured over the figures of a recent released Pirrelli calendar and found that some of the glossy photos indicate a model of corporate fraud that even professional photographers don’t understand. Seasonal props in the Pirrelli account of time in the future show that February next year is earmarked for there to be hardly anything worth wearing.

 

Cards? You want Cards? Sure you do!

Paintings? You want Paintings? Sure you do!

and

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pOlitOOns – the more war for less issue #18, dec, 2015

Dictionaries Declare: “This” Means “War!”

In a rush of blood and bones through the casualty department of humanity, the government intends to spend all of its time on Wednesday redefining the word “this” as an act of parliament. “This”, a word formerly used instead of pointing at something, will be amended by English Members to make dropping bombs in far away places easier for limited British military resources. An unofficial language expert explained government intentions to use the “this” crisis to highlight what “this” could mean in future:”As we’re spending so much on aid in foreign countries, it only makes sense that we show off what we can do with “this” to help others understand that they COULD VERY WELL get aid like “this” should they carry on insisting they don’t!”

Tories Told To Bully More Privately As Public Eye Exposed To Conservatory Trepanning Permission!

With the threat of losing their bombing campaign before it gets off the ground, troops loyal to president CamASSADmeron have vowed to heap pressure on their opposite number’s heads, barrel bombing all approaches to front bench headquarters and dropping support for party activists lately discovered to be sadistic zealots. Forcing such resignations may mean there will no longer be anyone left to sit on government benches and vote for changing the face of the nation beyond recognition, say experts paid to think like career minded politicians. This would leave the Prime Minister vulnerable to accusations that he sits alone at his play station while railing against the injustice of having to plead with pacifists to support his air strikes: “Please…? Pretty please…? Pretty please with a knighthood on top…?”

Using precision targeting techniques and getting into bed with other terrorizing governments this government previously wished to bomb in their last failed attempt to win votes to invade and influence the pacifist people of Britain, war footing strategists claim to have suddenly found 70,000 pieces of fabricated cannon fodder already fighting in Syria that need our undying love and air power. The P.M. is to turn to parliament with his hand raised asking to be excused while the rest of the class backs his assertion that the proposed war will be over by Xmas. David Hammeron laid out his case for war in the simplest terms: “For one, as there are no WMD’s to be found this time – apart from the one’s we’ll be dropping – we can assure the nation that Father Christmas Cola will neither remain grounded, nor be forced to deliver gift wrapped world capitalism through Amazin drone strikes while watching pigs fly at the North Pole as so many anti-xmasists opposite claim!”

Major Causes of Climate Concern Throw Their Unpaid Tax Money at Problem Change!

In a new xmas ad campaign, brand loyalists aim to keep their status updates in the news while Parisian protesters are thrown in jail without their shoes for saying the same thing in public. Dark Zuckerberg, Death Star generalissimo of FaceBake heritage, has overcome his reputation for sucking up information and turning it into advertising gold by investing in climate change as an innovative publicity strategy – meaning everyone thinks more positively about him and the other 84 richest members of our species on the planet. Using the Gates template for salving corporate conscience by attempting to cure world grief by curing a supposedly incurable disease of some kind, or by funding prototype mammalian missions to mars, the world’s richest off shore people intend to buy off world opinion and find a way back to green and pleasant landed gentry in order to return earthlings to the peace and love that inspires so many cat photos to be uploaded to the internet daily – certain proof experts say, of the ever evolving genius behind the myth of human wisdom.

Climate Change Deniers Switch Allegiance To Causes Of War Coalition!

Troubling interpretations of conflict revolution techniques mean that squabbles continue to break out like adolescent acne around the breakfast table in the Kremlin war room. While China attempts to build military wind farms on disputed pacific island territory, parachuting former soviet auto pilots are braving disputed borders in order to smuggle themselves and other supposedly communist-era regimes into Europe through an island of Lesbians. Looking as fresh faced as a burkha shop window display, the German Chancellor Angela Merc-rules posed yesterday in the Turkish photo shoot of EU members applauding dubious human rights records, hurrying along the treaty compromise over the current refugee crisis engulfing British intentions to join in the war game being played out in the Middle East because of what happened in Paris – a town somewhere south of Armorica, the home of former De Gaullist hero, Asterix.

And in other animal news:

Dead Chickens Need More Support Than Dead Cows!

Studies into murdered animals claim to have concluded that as it takes far more chicken’s lives to fill the belly of your average human carnivore, we should consider the number of actual chickens that are extinguished everyday just to put meat-style food on our tables when compared with other live animals that become dead for human consumption – such as ‘beef’ cattle. “Take a cow, for instance” said an expert trying to sound ethical, “a whole one would be difficult to digest in one sitting” he said while checking beneath his car for speed bumps.”On the other hand, you can eat chickens by the bucket-load and still have room for pudding!” For some consumers of food, this raises moral questions about the quantity of animals being killed for the purpose of their appetite reduction sensations. The latest studies compare life to size in several ways that hungry people don’t think of very often and which other experts suggest aren’t that important. ” If we can think about the same thing in different ways, in the end we’ll think differently about the same thing over time.” said an expert in how to say meaningless things without looking like an idiot.

“The deaths of certain animals are definitely size related.” Said a praying mantis female to it’s male sexual partner before biting his head off and laying her eggs in his abdomen for the impending larva to eat their way out of. Meanwhile Animal Farms around the country find the new statistics positively Orwellian in their implications. “No one’s even bothered to mention pigs yet” said a troubled porker at the trough. “Pigs always fall through the net, we’re neither small enough like chickens or big enough like cows for anyone to bother with, unless of course they don’t want to eat us at all, in which case we just get used as objects of abuse in religious circles.” Other pigs snorted in agreement, while a family of earthworms claimed to have proof that missing members of their family previously thought to have burrowed away on holiday had actually been drowned by humans before their bodies were then eaten by fish in a nearby river. Several selfies claiming to be of said worms were then produced while an entire school of fish are currently being gutted for their earthly remains by Japanese Whaling experts.

“Humans don’t seem bothered about the idea they might eat each other” said a passing spider busy cocooning a butterfly “Human animals should try to keep things in perspective – my mother killed herself so we’d have something to eat besides each other when we were born – I don’t think you people know which side of the web you’re stuck on sometimes!”

(no dead chickens could make themselves available for comment today.)
check out the new exhibition of MacD’s large works on canvas The Enigma’s Progress currently installed at Jam Records, Falmouth:

“Mac Dunlop’s new series introduces the visitor to an array of dramatically coloured imagery combined with beautiful line drawings and poetry.”

(please ignore any advertising below)

POlitoons #17 The Literally F.O.A.D. issue

Existential Threats Expanded Exponentially Exponents Claim!

New research by the government that thinks it can do whatever it likes having survived 5 years of coaliting with the enemy shows that discussing real things by attaching the prefix ‘existential’ to the subject confuses the inattentive public. Previously democratic voters are unsure as to whether their own government – and by implication everyone else they chat with in the pub – are talking about real reality or just a series of existential or fantastically imagined things.

Existential Finances Explained:

The Chancellor of the Axechecker and the Wank of England are both in difficulty as it emerges that there are not enough poor people to blame for the financial crisis that they have been voted into office in order to solve on the last two occassions. Ministers have come to realise that in the confusion over collective short term memory loss (The Current British Prime Minister being an exact warrior clone of the last one, for instance) makes governing the system that makes subsidising rich people look like fixing the roof when the  sun shines a lot easier.

Existential Sporting Activities:

The government’s genocidal nature toward anyone with sympathy for others is seeping into the foreground of death cult politics. So called “friendlies” for instance have recently evolved from previously highly competitive international football matches into highly lucrative arena spectacles where supporters from each nation’s side sing each other’s songs and wave each other’s flags while the players on the pitch kick each others balls and even score each others goals.

How Existential Democracy works for you:

PR gurus fed by rich individual donors to government think tank programs have turned to philosophical components of how we view reality in order to underfund the people’s broadcasting network while seeking new media markets in propagandist bolt holes previously the preserve of dictators, oil rich monarchies and  dictators.

Other examples of existential events*:
existential terrorist threats
existential economic crisis
existential refugee crisis
*commonly these existentialities are bundled together into
the more general ‘existential threat to our way of life’

Existentialism Defined:

“Existentialism is essentially existence multiplied quantitatively by a sense of essentiallism”. Said one young government intern keen to be quoted, having just left Eton with a Bullington Club coupon entitling them to a free Latte with entry to any secret initiation ceremony of their choosing.

National Nonsense Service Expanded in Sickness and in Health!

Meanwhile the National Health Service has been re-branded as the “No Hope Sunshine” corporation. The new NHS recently ordered a million doses of Viagra and 3 million botox injections to be stored for distribution should a future crisis mean that the multinational makers of both products are forced to leave their off shore tax haven – a place commonly referred to as “The Republic of Ireland”.

Labour Leader Fast Tracked instead of Back Tracked Claim Backbench Syrian Rebels!

Jeremy Corbyn the latest in a long line of distinguished Labour leaders has come under fire for saying exactly the same thing that he said when elected to the party leadership a month ago. Pundits blame his poll rating slide on the fact that he hasn’t changed his mind or caved in on anything as was expected once he got elected and could then be told what to do. People who lost thatelection along with the last two major national ones that will keep the Labourious party out of government for at least a decade are up in muted arms about the new leader’s lack of backtracking.
“Of course we should listen to those who lose!” said a labour leader loser who did not wish to be named. “What’s more if we are going to be an effective opposition, we need to have policies that are nearly the same as the government in power, or let’s face it, we’ll never get elected like they do!”

Turkey Shoot Over Own Territory Causes Desert Sh*t Storm!

Turkey shot down a Russian Plane with it’s own American jets for bombing in Syrian territory that looked like part of Turkey from very high up, where the jets were apparently flying at the time. The Russian pilots ejected from the whatsit and everyone is blaming each other because this looks like the start of WW3, and nobody wants that on their conscience, or in their autobiography for that matter.

Testosterone levels have reportedly rocketed as the international war on drugs agency estimates that there is massive drug cheating amongst remote battlefield combatants on a seemingly military industrial complex scale!

Ever since the war on drugs found out about poppy fields in Afghanistan and Cocoa plantations in the America of the South, antidisestablishmentarianists have been fuming over who’s bogarting the joint as it goes round the veto-ists of the UN Security Council.  Having decided that flying planes into each other’s territory is the only way to keep the media storm over where to have a war next on the front pages of screen based apps and twitter feeds, poll manipulators have suggested that the government get with the social media program and start it’s own propaganda campaigns. (f.f.i check out: #bombeffingeveryfing!, #noIneverUdid2, and #isitabirdisitaplaneisitisis?

Head of International Anti Doping Drugs Agency held on suspicion of acting like Head of World Football Agency!

Now that the international football federation has decided its top team of world cup negotiators don’t collect enough bribes to earn their keep, Seb Coe chair of the world Anti Doping Agency has been surrounded by controversy over his own bribes made as a wedding gift for his corporate sponsors at Nike.  Nike’s hometown has been reshaped into a trademark tic as it competed against itself to host the next world athletics championship and has even begun work on the new anti doping emporium sponsored by Fyzwhore, the largest international manufacturers of happy pills. Depression and not enough access to sports on screen are thought to be linked by advertisers intent on shoring up the eroding landscape of Mad Men era fashion statements and people who like tattoos.

Doyen of Daesh says “A rose by any other name would still be an A-hole!”

Having holed up in Gay Pariee for a few days of malevolence, the latest fascist guru’s of gun porn held a press conference while being surrounded by paramilitary police in two of Europe’s most famous capitals.

Speaking through an atheist interpreter the drugged up nihilists promoted their vision for apocalypse and the final battle to be waged in the Middling Ease between Pepsi and Coca Cola. The explosive wearing fascistionados apologised for the effect their actions may have on the live music scene – already threatened by itunes and third party piracy giants – before racing against time to blow themselves up before being blown up by forces amassed beyond their control.

to find out more or to purchase the latest compendium of Politoons in the form of The Enigma Deviations get in touch with info(at)thepoetrypoint.com

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The Take Away issue #16

Meat – the new Tobacco!

Experts have collided like giant objects in the night sky as scientists and domestic farm animals agree that eating them can be dangerous in direct proportion to you being what you eat.  Eaters have come out in droves today to cite the latest findings as reason to ignore political correctness, and are up in arms – in some cases even tails – over what is seen as an intrusion by the World Health Organisation into the ongoing industrialisation of agriculture.

Zoo keepers too are said to be alarmed at the prospect of being sued for putting too much meat in the diets of predatory animals in their care. While sugar, salt and other preservative manufacturers are concerned at the impact this will have on what the food industry is willing to stuff into it’s sausages with government consent.

Chinese to overtake Britain as European Nuclear Power

Chairman Xi and his folk singing wife have visited Britain for the first time after being mistaken at customs for the deceased former Chinese Chair,  Mouse-in-Tongue, a Chippendale Rocker who was big in the 20th Century, revolted against culture  and swept the nation with his much talked about hit “The Little Red Book”.  Xi however is as made in china as anyone and has come to the UK to buy the queen and sell his wife’s CD’s on a mini tour of the nation’s favourite Open Mic sessions.

While protesters protest about what people think of Tibet, and other things to do with human rights besides unregulated capitalism, some paid supporters of the Folk singer’s husband’s regime lined the pavement where pigeons usually loiter, and waved red flags thinking the next world cup had started and we had all been magically transported to a half finished stadium in Russia – except for political prisoners and the ones on death row waiting to have their kidneys removed for involuntary transplants.

House of Saud berates House of Parliament

Britain came under fire from Saudi diplomats yesterday as they sought to defuse tension between the two nations by threatening to scupper trade deals involving arms dealers and huge amounts of bribes to UK corporations. The Syrian flash point has focused attention on Britain’s foreign wars yet again as the world’s biggest oil producer and least democratic nation seeks to rally support for its cause and keep oil so cheap no one else will bother trying to get the stuff out of the ground and therefore keep purchasing it from their magic desert kingdom instead.

Having got wind of the fact that some Brit’s find that their own country’s relationship with a religious monarchic state that militarily supports other non-democracies has been going on for well over a century,  some UK citz’s are suggesting that their own neo-colonial government should stop trading in things like prisons and implements of torture with the Arabian regime.

Tax Credits to be removed from the ends of British Films!

Overhauling the nation state and making everyone painfully aware of just how precarious life is, the government is this week at war with it’s un-elected components over how poor people really need to be before they deserve any help at all.  Having created so many opt out clauses for a minimum wage that is impossible to live on without a government subsidising of business through the welfare system, the government has decided to shrink it’s welfare bill so it can hand more money back to corporations through a reduction in their tax rate that they don’t pay anyway. Chance-his-arm Osborne has instructed his minions to pretend that the nation is full of 100% employed people who work hard even though they are work shy yet still live off the state while in employment and paying taxes.  Employment in the UK is now seen as a stepping stone to being able to pay off the debts incurred during childhood and the welfare system – like the war – is expected to be over by Christmas. BTW remember when VAT was less than 20%…?

regular features:

My Day Off continues on The Source FM every Wednesday afternoon at 13:45pm GMT
The Enigma Deviations, the perfect antidote to doom.

and

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Politoons, issue #13: WTF? oh yeah, I heard about that…

Wake Up! My Day Off is screaming at you:

“There, stewing like hot plated sovereigns in dish shaped bowls of cratered earth I gathered crops of tooth paste and floss into mouthfuls of saliva and spat them out like so much discarded conversation.”

(an excerpt from episode 8 of My Day Off – episode 5 goes out this Monday at 10pm on London’s Resonance FM)

Meanwhile, back in reality…

The Queen’s Palace Dream is a Nightmare in Waiting:

Don’t worry though. El Queeno – the strange annual effect of dominion over the pacified nations of the formerly wave ruling United Kingdom has influenced government weather formations enough to exponentially increase the income of the wealthiest monarch in the country (well, the only one…) Meanwhile simultaneous tax credit subtraction from people who can’t afford to pay tax is being used to feather her highness’s nest. Equality has officially become something that Old Etonians can discuss over quail eggs and caviar without fear of revolution, as they bemoan the loss of empire that had previously banished the unruly or unkemp to some far flung corner of the globe – Happy Birthday Magna Carta!

Health Self-Service Sound Byte says Minister:

Meanwhile sickness is rife in the health service, where illness is being singled out by the Minister for Health PLC. “Look” says he of the needlessly unsympathetic when confronted by advisors,  “I’ve sent you a letter saying shut up or take early retirement. You can’t have both so if you don’t like it, choose your weapons now!”

250 thousand people can’t be wrong:

Protesters in London scratched at the surface of what is wrong with Britain when they said enough was enough and waited for the Prime Minister to admit he’d got it wrong on pretty much everything. Even the Prime Minister was forced to admit he was wrong about one thing: that 5 years ago,  even he never imagined that the Conservative Party could have gotten away with it.

It’s Official – English Women ARE Better at Footie than English Men:

In football news, no one noticed that England was doing well for once, because it was the woman’s team. England’s Women made it into the quarter finals of the world cup before the men did (in fact no British men’s team has ever managed to qualify for any women’s world cu). Given that the world cup is taking place in the colonies anyway, it is expected that no one will notice unless the English Lionesses come back with a nice shiny cup, or failing that, a series of leaks about performance enhancing drug use. The media waits with baited breath and potential hash tag news feed space – largely because football is more popular than other drug sports like cycling and distance running in the battle of  between media sexists and media sexiness.

International Invasions Invasive, study finds:

In other invasions this week Saudi Arabia has bombed the living spit out of its neighbour Yemen, while Syria and Iraq are still considered fair game as far as dropping anything that goes ‘boom’ goes.

And that’s about it, for this week’s important “WTF” moments of modern history. Apart from Presidents using the N word obviously, and petrol heads continuing to profit from the most over priced form of racing in human history (as Formula 1 popularity begins to sag, it is time to sell sell sell!)

 

Good luck with your sweet dreams, and don’t forget to tune into the “splendidly idiosyncratic” My Day Off on Radio Resonance FM 104.4 in London, or live on your wet dream webstream. Monday Nights, 22:00 hr GMT +1
cheers for now,
x macd

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POlitOOns April Issue 2015, #10

Anti-Gay Gay Laws Gunned down by Rifle Association Lobby in Foyer of Religious Senior Living Homes!

Discrimination has recriminations for retro-fitted equality legislation as worrying signs of idiocy resurface in American Culture yet again. Without thinking it through, some knee jerk states have asserted their fifth column amendment rights to freedom of stupidity and disqualified themselves from being nice to others on religious grounds. Outside one church built to withstand the second coming, a well armed pastor rebuked suggestions that they were racist homophobes with nothing better to do than complain that everyone else is not an exact clone of their mother.

Loneliness seen as next social status to receive government research funding says study into the best things to say if you want to make any applications for funding!

New studies indicate that instant communication has replaced less instant communication that can take days. While people want to show how appreciative they are of others who spend ridiculous amounts of time on meaningless status updates, they do not want to have to wait around impatiently for long periods, waiting for what they’ve just posted to come up on their screens. “Ideally, the insignificant thing you want to say should arrive in your in box before you send it.” says an expert who spends a lot of time online and is only available through Skype.

Teachers take on jobs as part time politicians in parliamentary education shake up!

Secretary for Everything-that-is-wrong-with-this-country, Cleric Pickles, has told dog walkers that they could soon be fined for using unregistered leads and dog collars as the government promises to get tough on pets and tough on the causes of pets.

We can’t possibly say what we’re planning because we have no planning permission! says Tory Election Strategist

Bill Rights, the government salaried whimsicalist says “There is nothing like presenting your policies in the clearest possible manner, but we as a government need to sort out some copyright issues before publishing our ideas for the future now. Besides… Bill went on to say “…the less we say, the better we do!”

Plane Chem Trails Pale in Plain Sight Oversight!

An airplane carrying the hopes and dreams of a generation has been lost in the fog of anti European sentiment say airport officials who cannot get work permits to fly beyond the end of the landing strips of major transport hubs. With the wheels coming off the undercarriage of polluting the planet using gas guzzling jet engines at high altitude, airport duty free tax inspectors have decided to impose new queues and confusion on their paying customers during the busiest times in the air industry calendar.

Famous People Dying Unnecessarily say Obituary experts!

“More than average famous people are dying every week, and government statistics are powerless to stop it!” Said someone in a tweet sent around the world becuase the writer felt bored. Other commentators expanded on the subject saying that “If even mostly famous people can’t live forever, then what chance have the rest of us got?” Later editions of the hashtag controversy included the thoughts of anonymous users who can easily be tracked by government agencies, or even private corporations that are willing to spend some of their fat cat billions on watching insignificant others express themselves through the pooh storm of interwebbery that passes for human intimacy these days.

England nearly Play Football after Cricket disaster and Murray Fury at Golf’s Masters creates blurry word slurry over Italian Job’s sorry match tie story

Having equalled the worst in the world one way or another, English sport fans hailed the Galaxy of American L.A. as they honoured a middling midfield Englishman with a 16. 5 million dollar house in the rising sun – if not their starting 11. Rumours that David Gerrard and Steven Beckham will be seen together in California while over the age of forty have been circulating in the United States of Anti Gay laws for weeks, as the ex-pat Little Englanders happily avoid tax in the only way their accountants know how.

Tune in for more soon, in the meantime why not

Join in the latest cartoon caption contest here

And remember, the world of humour need you! 

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POlitOOns March 2015 Issue #9

LATEST BREAKING NEWS AND VIEWS!

End of the world offers huge opportunity for growth says stock market analyst!

George’s Budget Hairline’s creates treats for non-dom tax cheats!

UK-UK! Specialist Headline Brain Fade Blanks:

UKIP leaders plane wreck cast aside as NHS jibe lands broadside on Nigel’s failed state in afterlife!

Nigel concedes race rift as Poll slip concerns party whips!

UKIP EU expenses expatriated in restaurant receipt slated to Brussels!

Dolce and Gabbana drama unfolds as Elton told to fight for ‘family’ life!

Victoria in Peckham stood up to the bean counters at fashionista firmware makers D and G today.  Holding a candle in the wind for the Lion King Rocket Man pianissimo, Ms. Becks took issue with the anti-guy agenda of the post style alphabetic logo manufacturers.  “Family is what it’s all about, and everyone should have one, or two even if they need to use the spare bedroom because of poverty -which my husband and I abhor by the way, unless of course it comes in a little black number with Jimmie Wong stillettos…”

US calls IS Real threat to World Greece!

Foreign Ministers met outside the new European Bank building today dressed in Clown costumes to evade protesting citizens who are demanding their money back. Having bailed out the banks, the E-Union does not want to bail any thing else if it can help it, even if it means dissolution and running the continent in coalition with Scottish National Party goers.
Police cars continued to inflame the issue overnight as people masquerading as different other people confronted uniformed charade-ists intent on miming their way out of recession at all costs.

Jeremy very nearly fears he’s lost Top Gear!

Having gone from style icon to national treasure of the unwashed and sole British export that says rude things about foreign cars, Jeremy-Clark-Bosun was traced to the Large Haydron Service Provider in Switzerland where he battled it out with other theoretical particles in a magnetized tunnel that replicates bumper cars for protons. Having smashed the record for smashing things, Jeremy’s car crash of a career continues to careen onto screens around the speed addicted world, where millions have been lost in the cancellation of two episodes of the Three Turds on Wheels show that critics say has existed long past it’s half-lifetime.

Twitter to market all the stupid things you tell people in the hope of seeming interesting.

In order to create profit out of ordinariness Big Daddy data is capitalizing on the unexpected compel-ment users have to tell everyone about their instant life.  Twit exec’s tweet to their followers that there is no such thing as a secret as far as they’re concerned, and they should now squeeze as much money as they can from you telling everyone about what your last fart smelt like, or wasting your existence away hashtagging pictures of cats licking themselves in domestic situations.

Large Haydron Service Provider picks Net Flix for grey matter’s Auntie-matter matrix!

Cam’s Flim Flam over Debate Plans leaves Opposition in No-Man’s Land!

Chinese Bankers thank British “W”_anker’s typo no-no for Promoting Asia Bank’s Financial Loop Hole!

Tune in for more soon, in the meantime why not

Join in the latest cartoon caption contest here

And remember, the world of humour need you! 

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POlitOOns March 2015, issue #8

This week’s World News:

Harrison Furd’s Near Miss!

ISIS is in CRISIS!

National News:

The Empty Chair Debate!

The National Illness Service!

Regular Politoon Services:

The Cartoon Caption Contest!

The Free Things that Everyone looks for in an e-magazine!

Have your hearsay here! (at the bottom of this supplement)

World News

Star Wars Pilot Crash not Career Ending!

Agents for doctors auditioning to treat Harrison Fjord say that the flight of nostalgia the actor flew onto a crazy golf course could not have been prevented. A caddy for the heart throb pensioner said the plane was as old as the actor so it was no surprise that it had it’s ‘moments’ from time to time.

An aviation expert explained: ‘what goes up must come down… and that is especially true of airplanes.’

Meanwhile aging director George ‘I-am-your-father’ Lucas said that when the 70 year old acting pilot comes to the end of his career, he will be digitize d for future episodes. The film’s producers suggest the whole golf course/plane crash incident may well have saved lives who could in turn could become future audiences. The director lauded the actor even as he was being wheeled away from the nineteenth green in a hospital trolley, “Didn’t even need a second take! What more can you ask for in an actor?”.

There is already talk of an Oscar nomination in the 2016 Charlie Sheen Career Crash category. The new Star Wars Branding exercise is expected to be coming soon to a galaxy far away near you…

CR-ISIS over whether ISIS is IS or IS IS?

Militant Issisians have surrounded ancient burial grounds and started bulldozing artifacts from before they were born in an attempt to rewrite geography in their own image.  Meanwhile, the ISIS existential CRISIS continues as different parts of the world refer to different anagrams when referring to them. This has led to a re-registering of websites and media outlets in expectation that one or the other name changes will become official, leading to an enormous number of hash-tags having to be re-spelt.

PMT’s Absence causes Argument over Debate!

The empty chair of the Prime Minister came under fire in Britain this week as the unelected leader of the un-elected British government un-seated himself from Westminster Debating club circles. The Leading Opposing Leader was so enraged that he threatened to make non-debating illegal if elected, arguing that not arguing was not what the people want their unelected un-representatives to be doing or undoing before they are next not elected.

Cameron accuses Labour SNP link of being un BNP-ish

The prime minister hit back at being called a ‘chicken’ by his critics.  Waving white feathers in the air and sticking his tongue out while blowing through his pursed lips, the leader of  England accused his opposite number of not adding up when it came to chatting with other people who might get elected too.  Saying that Scottish people who want independence from England shouldn’ be allowed to have a say in running the country, the Conservative Leader begged his unknown deputy Nick (peg) Legg to stand up and be counted by sitting in the empty deck chairs on the Titanic being provided by the BBC, Sky and ITV.  The media companies hope to make a meal of anything that doesn’t have to do with policies if politicians are elected as expected. This may interfere with viewer ratings when compared with football, “BeerWulf Hall”, and “Call the Midwife because-we-don’t-make-housecalls” style documentaries.

Ill people told they will walk again if they start walking in the first place!

NHS backroom staff have suggested a new miracle cure to prevent death, illness and unfitness for work.  Based on the “it’s your fault in the first place” diagnostic method being championed in government covens, people across the country are advised to exercise their right to exercise as a way of bringing down the cost of the National Health Service that they pay for – although this is not intended to make it any cheaper, except for private contractors interested in taking part in National Illness. Studies show that if people exercise for 30 minutes five times a week, they are more likely to have less time to notice things getting worse.  Statistics show that people who exercise more than enough are also more likely to consider that ill people only have themselves to blame anyway.

“Half an hour isn’t much when you’re not doing anything anyway!” Health Sinister Jeremiah Hunt said to someone who couldn’t get up because they had made themselves so unwell. Doctors who want to make more money from working for the state have chided the ill for not trying hard enough, saying “It is simply no longer good enough to make a contribution through buying vast amounts of cigarettes, or alcohol, and paying exorbitant tax on it!” The same doctor paused before looking up from his stethoscope and added “People have got this idea that the money they put into the NHS pays for the service at their point of need, but being sick, ill or disabled is not necessarily the NHS’s fault, nor it’s intention!”

Other doctors disagree, but most NIS whistle-blowers have been silenced in the government coven’s recent pre-election witchHunts. Whistle-blowers have been shown by government media supporters as damaging to the image of the One Nation One Health Service System and have been silenced at taxpayers expense. Health Mini-mister Foxtrot Tango Hunt says “Their actions could affect the price we get for privatizing bits and pieces as we go along, and that would be bad for the economic upturn on which the well-being of everyone who has an offshore account, is not domicile in this country or banks with HSBC depends!” 

Join in the latest cartoon caption contest here 

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Politoons 2015, issue #7 the brain drainz…

Science on verge of Unifying Conspiracy Theory of Everything!

Steven Hawkwind, scientific explorer and author of several space travel guides has suggested that once we invent something smarter than us, everything we suspect might be true WILL BE!
Having taken the Oscar world by storm because they found an actor who looked remarkably like him, Dr. Hawkwind has moved astrologers to tears with his emotional call for people to come together over a pint in the local pub and muse upon what a parallel existence where there are no pubs might look like.

HSCB Doubts Savings in Swiss Accounts of Tax Evasions!

The plot thinned this week, as bankers at the height of British government took bonus culture to a new level for their high risk customers.  Having dodged bullets for money laundering in the United States of Deregulation, the money-at-all-costs Financial Whizz kids have fizzed their last.  The numbers game is up for tax havened Chair Sir Baron Lord might as well give him the lot Green, a Labour luvvie turned Tory turncoat whose blanket media coverage has smothered any talk of why he got where he was when everyone knew he’d done what he did.

Turning people into corporations in order to evade European Savings Time, the old watchmakers at the discredited too-big-to-bail bank went cuckoo at the clock as it wound down on their tax evasive racket.

Now the left and the right of European Monopoly Politics are faced with red blushed cheeks as they try to blame each other for getting into bed with bankers while their civil partners thought they were just working late at the office again.

“Sorry dear, must save the world you know – don’t bother waiting up, there’s a good luv!”

Youth to be Driven into Exile if found in their Bedrooms after the Next Election

Promising to hit the lackadaisical hard, the Leader of England pronounced the Youth word for the first time since the Riots of 2011. Having hugged hoodies honestly in historical hordes, the PMQ of Hospital Bethannia is now concerned that he has caught something rather serious – like the public mood or something.  Driving the economy forward by putting wages and living standards in reverse, the new rules on being young are intended to push people toward middle age faster than previously expected.

Ukraine Brain Drain is Rocket Propelled Grenade say psycho-experts!

In a bid to get their tweets higher rankings and filed in the Library of Congress, neo-liberal minded mind scientists who think about thinking in the future suggest that one day everyone will be an expert in something.  “Pontificating in short messages is causing a profundity crisis in everyone’s mind” say current experts who are currently estimated to  be between 5 to 10 percent of the wider population. This figure is likely to expand as access to predictive text and spell checks advance the world economy into the Literary Age, as more and more smart objects become literate themselves. The world has already seen the first robot tweets – the Chinese Moon Lander that crashed last year while updating it’s FaceBook status is just one of many examples.  Robot thespians have also performed the work of Mary Shelley’s “I Frankenstein” to a theatre full of ipads, the artificial performance was then re-broadcast un-live to smart phones around the world.

“But what’s that got to do with the crisis in the Ukraine?” Texted our Politoon reporter to a computer busy positioning satellites around the planet. “NO Likee, No Buyee!” replied the super mainframe as it quietly orbited past the Russian space station.

that’s it for this week
apart from…

the 8th Politoon Caption Contest is now open!

What’s your Line?

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click here for more info on the Caption contests, and to see our previous winners!
Tune in for more February Supplements over the coming days, so follow, feed, and generally spread the jam … I mean word!

 

The Enigma Deviations – the second volume of MacD cartoons with over 120 selections is out now

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Poli-flash news ending week of February 6th 2015

America and Russians agree with Chinese on Syrian Conflictees!

After many meetings negotiating how to get out of doing what they said they were going to do, John Hairy, secretary of state for stuff that America doesn’t care about announced that US authorities may be willing to see President Assad remain in power after all. White House insiders said that the American President, having spent the last 3 years suggesting the Syrian regime needed changing, and leaving thousands of rebels in the lurch after years of not supporting them was now backing away from the red line his administration had drawn over the affair. Oblama has recently sent his emmisaries to Moscow to negotiate a done deal with the Russian emirates, who always said US plans for the region were dumb-ass or ‘kaputnitski’ from the get go.

“At least someone has a plan now!” said a relieved American ambassador to Luxemburg who has no intention of leaving his kushti little number for the ISIS-IAN hot bed of a thousand and one Arabian Fights.
Libya meanwhile has erected a statue of Tony Blair shaking hands with Colonel Gadfly (ex) in a Tripoli theme park. Tripoli’s troubled mayor hopes to encourage tourism into the capital, and this week opened a “Migration Museum” with hands on displays, and Migration Imitation workshops aimed at nut-case survivalist tourism organizations interested in finding out how hard it is to get across the Mediterranean in a leaky boat, let alone into fortress Europe. Middle Age envoy Blair is expected to officially unveil the sculpture once he has eluded calls for him to answer perjury charges relating to what many British Militants fondly remember as ‘Tony’s War’.

Flight MH 370 has accidentally disappeared officially!

Confirming that no one is going to explain what really happened, especially to those that think the plane was shot down mid air, Malaysian investigators intend sweeping everything under the carpet on the sea floor, and handing out compensation dosh in the hope that everyone is so exhausted by the ordeal, they won’t notice that Diego Garcian officialers have quietly spread the hush money around, waiting for everyone to give up on the whole thing.

Nasty people in Nasty places more likely to vote for Nasty parties!

The Nasty party of Groot Brittania today announced it’s pre-election findings carried out by a made up group of nameless pen pushers. In response to the idea that over 6 million people were exterminated seventy years ago by a group with a similar name, the Nasties have hired half of Saatchi and Saatchi ( now known as ‘Saatchi And…’) to reinvent the wheel and themselves in time for the non-Euro British elections. The Nasties new election slogan also doubles as their election pledge, when in power the Nasties promise to: “Keep Calm, and stay Nasty!”

 

More February Supplements over the coming days, so tune in, follow, feed, and generally spread the jam … I mean word!

Meanwhile, here’s the regular features:

the 7th Politoon Caption Contest (closing at the end of this week!)

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The Enigma Deviations – the second volume of MacD cartoons with over 120 selections is out now

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Poli-flash #5 news supplement, feb 2015

 
Russian Bombers Invade British Aerospace!

Having taken the wrong flight path to Stansted, two Russian planes found themselves circling over the English channel having realized the cabin crew’s luggage had been loaded onto the wrong airline. Apologizing to the RAF tornadoes scrambled to intercept them, the Russians offered a range of duty free items including Vodka and a shrinking collection of Matroyska Dolls to the defensive British pilots. Air France was also affected, where a government spokesperson assured cartoonists that everything would be done to protect those who wished to comment on the incident.

FIFA’s Blatt probes into Match Fixing Facts!

In sport Seb Blahblah Blatter the president of Soccer is fighting rivals for his position as chief bribe-maker at the top of the so called sporting government’s body. With only ex-footballers as rivals, he expects to announce his own succession, having gone on a weekend course in political survival run by a crack team of Russian presidential dynasticians. Meanwhile players in the English game curtsey after stamping on each other’s ankles in a rare show of support for referees  accused of making controversial, if not life changing decisions. Team managers are furious at this unmanly show of protest, refusing to speak with the 200,000 pound a week players, storming down wind tunnels without speaking to the media, and feeling humiliated in front of thousands of fans who had previously mortgaged their homes and given up their children’s university places in order to feel like part of a team.

more up to date flashes as things continue to kick off,
keep your plane spotting eyes peeled for more national and international Politoons news
Don’t forget the 7th Cartoon Caption Contest drawing to a close february 8th!
and the rest
cheers for now,

please credit all text and images © macd

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Politoons 2015 Supplement One, 26th of January

 

Prime Minister solves the problem of what to do with Cold Callers!

Hanging up on a drunk who had made his way through high level security carrying a pint and smoking a cigarette, the PM’s bodyguards insisted they thought it was Nigel Farage on the line, whom the Prime Minister had told everyone to listen out for.  As it turned out to be an ordinary member of the public who was not organising a drone assassination attempt, using the PM’s mobile phone as a homing device for a predator missile, the country was told to “keep calm, and your pants on”.

Greece’s Discovers Democracy in Austerity!

Greece meanwhile decided it has had enough of Europe, but  – unlike Britain – has insisted they would stay in the game.  A table large enough for all of Europe to sit around to discuss the Greek Debt Mountain was hastily organised (cobbled together from some crates and bits and bobs left over from old Butter and Wine Mountains found going mouldy at the back of the fridge)

Education isn’t Working!

The Labour Party’s new campaign slogan harks back to the dark days of the Thatcheric Era, when the two Saatchi’s – as opposed to Ronnies – made the British tradition of queuing into an enduring election pledge. Now the legacy industry has recycled the difference between Labour’s ideas of ‘academies’ and the coalition government’s ideas of ‘academies’ into a Govian nightmare of distinguishing between doing one thing one way and the same thing another. Shadowy Education Minister in waiting Tristan Blunt, and his even posher sounding brother James have bandied about pages of a new report that inconclusively says all the money spent on changing things hasn’t really.

American Sniper Hits The Big Screen! (damaging it beyond repair)

Clint Eastwood, father of American democracy and a conspiracy theory in his own right has unleashed an unabashed flavour of the month hit that has exploded the idea of war and how good Americans are at that kind of stuff when given guns to shoot at each other with and left to their own devices.  Hollywood is reeling under the rampant gingo-ism and patriotic fervor that Clint, in homage to John Wayne before him has served up to Americans on screen the way McDonald’s serves the nation their fries. In a film that waxes nostalgic about nasty snipers who are increasingly being replaced by nastier unmanned drones, the military industrial complex has found in war, a reason to celebrate its self-justification, once again clawing pyrrhic victory from the jaws of  a 2nd presidential term defeat.

Canadian Government Halved as Oil Price Shock and Awe hits Tar Sands Home!

The Harper government has bitten off the hand that feeds it, in the hope of claiming accident insurance to disguise the fact that they have overseen the worst man-made spoilation of natural habitat since a meteor hit the planet millions of years ago and wiped out the dinosaurs. Panicking because his horse has died, and people realized he was a one trick pony, Harper has appealed to the Western provinces to rehabilitate his flagging popularity by replicating Toronto’s ex Mayor Rob Ford’s strategy of crack fueled drug abuse and intimidation nationwide.  The high risk strategy has been code named Harp Attack, and if it fails, he intends selling off the Dew Line  – an outdated intercontinental missile early warning system – to a bunch of Russian Oligarchs he met at a time share conference in Davos, Switzerland.

That’s it for today’s Politoons supplement. But you can still check out the Caption Contest and other regular features below. And if you’re worried about what’s going on in the world, or in your state of mind, and it’s got you feeling a little paranoid and that everyone is out to get you – don’t worry… chances are you’re probably right.

(p.s happy birthday Rick)

the 7th Politoon Caption Contest

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The Enigma Deviations – the second volume of MacD cartoons with over 120 selections is out now

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Revenge of the Cartoons #2

It has come to my attention that I don’t offend people enough. I have had my knuckles rapped (in a non-violent way of course) because I continue to produce work that fails to inflame.

I have therefore put down my pen (as opposed to anybody else) for the time being in order to offer this spoken word piece to the waiting throngs of knuckle rappers as nothing short of a cowardly and shameful attempt at appeasement.
Here is a pen-free audio piece of mine: “mono-land-of-the-free”

As for mon stylo? Well Chuckie, the people I don’t offend enough will have to take it from my cold dead hands:

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