Thousands mourn because it seems like the right thing to do!
More deaths of well known figures than normal for this time of year piles the pressure on tv’s talking heads to remember where they were when they dressed up and got drunk a bit.
Members of the newly formed Grief Police – a subsidiary of INterPol dedicated to questioning emotional states in online communities – have been un-friended in their thousands over the past week as millions worry that their sole and very private but very real although largely unrecognized relationship with variously deceased public figures are not being taken seriously enough by suspected GP social media account holders.
Social Media Spikes over Dead David Likes!
Facecrook and Twitzer have been deluged with requests from their customer/client/content producer communities to block previous friends who critique their claim to being the most important anonymous figure behind the career of recently expired pop artists and actors.
Threatening anyone who says ‘C’mon, we’re all dying, it’s just some die faster than others, so let’s get over it’ with the kind of fate that awaits convicted animal abusers released into the wild, social mediators are patrolling websites and news feed 24/7 in an attempt to identify and name people who are not taking the recent deaths of songwriters and actors seriously.
Self Censors are the new Self Expressionists say Self Experts!
‘In a world of social conformity, dying is the new parameter of freedom of expression,’ says Pirate.com dark net blogger Seigfried Chichnwingz. Recent studies indicate that (s)elf-censorship now accounts for the majority of actual censorship inside the internet, and this new self regulatory conformity is being applauded by government agencies struggling to find legal methods of containing non-socially mediated behaviour and freedom of expression.
Media corporations welcome the new self censoring social parameters and are preparing to take their findings to places like North Korea, where they hope to win licenses enabling them to drive new user traffic through pay per click pop ups and favoured advertising bannerisms. ‘Places where existing censorship once meant we had no chance of making money without losing credibility internationally are now like totally up for this self moderating social media model!’ Said a social media guru putting a blue plaque on the entrance to their estate yesterday. ‘And anyone who doesn’t like it gets banned – unless they’re really famous in which case we’ll sit back and take a slice of their million-hits-a-minute pie!’
Celebrity Death to be Expanded New Study Says!
Picking up on the theme of cherished celebrity deaths, media networks are prowling their back catalogues in the hope of finding more previously contracted artists who had drug/alcohol/or other abuse problems before they become dead. There is a new completely statistically led scheme to rehabilitate forgotten D-listers into the next generation of dead stars that people reminisce about fondly. The BBC has sent researchers into its 50 year old productions such as The Black and White Minstrel show, On the Buses, and other reactionary, racist and aging empire based cultural artifacts to find personalities long forgotten since who could be the next sensational demise to hit the online community.
Rumours persist that the BBC intends to kill off one of its most endeared Eastbenders characters ‘Peggy’ because her expected real life death hasn’t happened quickly enough to capitalize on the outpouring of grief expected when she dies. In response to news of her scheduled death, the famous character Estrogenagon from ‘WTF Godo – look at the time!’ was asked to reminisce about the Carry On actress’s career: ‘Every character has their day – but did you really watch all of Carry On Camping, or just the bit with her catapulting bra?’
Ashes to Ashes…
Having forgotten about the middle east, oil prices, the NHS, schools and my mother’s birthday the editors of POlitoons wish to express their mourning at the passing of Emery Papers, the unknown make up artist who accidentally tripped while working on David Bowie’s face and ended up creating a trademark multi-coloured z across his eyes that has become eternally synonymous with the man who wrote ‘Please Mr. Gravedigger’. RIP Star(m)fan
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The current co-inhibition government has introduced new election policies in an attempt to confuse people even further. The people running the country who hate each other have proposed an unfairer but equal “Caption Tax” where word bubbles over 140 characters long would be taxed at source, and then even more so depending on how they trend. Treasury proponents insist that this is a very workable idea, if only because it means nothing, and people unlikely to vote will have to work even harder and for less as they try to figure out what the government means by all this.
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